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wdmmom
07-05-2011, 07:09 AM
This is a little off topic but I'm looking for all types of opinions/advice/suggestions.

I have 4 kids...3 girls, 1 boy. My son is 10 and is wanting to join football in the autumn. At first I thought it was great that he wanted to be active, play a sport, ect. but looking at this further has lead me to believe it would be more of a nuisance than it's worth.

Not only is there a practice once or twice a week in the week (usually at 530pm) but there is a game EVERY Saturday or Sunday and they are all between 345pm and 730pm!

I like to spend my weekends cleaning, relaxing, planning upcoming events for daycare, grocery shopping, etc.

Is it selfish of me to not want him to do this?!

Not only do I find myself feeling exhausted already just thinking about it but not 2 of the 3 girls are harping me that they now want to do something too!

To be completely honest, I don't see us having the money to enroll 3 of the 4 kids, I don't like to drive and I would be forced to take them here, there and everywhere, and I would have to pretty much keep every weekend open. That would mean not seeing my family for 9 solid weeks as well.

Keep in mind that I come from a family that sports weren't an option nor were they ever introduced. I asked to be in several things as a child (gymnastics, cheer leading, etc.) The only choice I got was to be in band.

I don't want to hold my kids back but I do think that they are too young. At the same time, any activity would put a hinder on my job and on my life in general and I'm the type that thrives on structure.

Any suggestions?!

jen
07-05-2011, 07:41 AM
Personally, I think extra-curriculars are really important. While we don't insist on a sport, we do insist that our kids participate in something. Honestly, I would rather that they stay busy and out of trouble.

As far as too young goes, well...sports are generally pretty competitive and kids start pretty young. I don't know how old your girls are, but your son is definitely not too young. Have you checked in to community education? Our offers a variety of sports and activities at affordable rates.

JenNJ
07-05-2011, 07:45 AM
I think sports and other organized peer groups are REALLY important in promoting self confidence, responsibility, teamwork, goal setting, etc. I encourage my kids to join sports and other organized groups that appeal to their interests and passions.

My son is now 5 and has already participated in soccer and t-ball in the past year. My daughter is 2.5 will be joining a dance class as soon as she is 3. I personally think it is a parental responsibility to encourage things like this and yes, give up your weekends to shuttle them around. If you want to make it easier on yourself, you can try and set up a carpool with another parent/s to relieve some of the burden.

If your kids are old enough, have them save some money by earning an allowance with chores around the house. Have them contribute to the cost of these programs.

Crazy8
07-05-2011, 07:52 AM
I agree with the above. Of course you have those who over schedule their children in every activity under the sun.

I have 3 kids of my own (ages 5 - 12) and they all participate in something. Yes, it means my nights and weekends are busy but they enjoy doing what they do and I actually enjoy watching them. Does it make the rest of my life more hectic? definitely. But I figured that's just part of being a mom to 3 active kids!

sharlan
07-05-2011, 08:08 AM
I left it up to my daughters whether or not they joined Girl Scouts or sports.

I was able to work the daycare around their activities. The parents knew I would be gone from this time to this time. I didn't mind the driving.

pfund2233
07-05-2011, 08:08 AM
Where is dad at? Can't he help you out? I have two daughters. The oldest (8) is in Soccer and dance and the youngest (5) is in Softball and dance. Soccer is Monday nights at 6pm, Ballet is Tuesday 630pm, Wednesday is Softball 530pm, Thursday is Soccer again at 6pm, Friday NOTHING :ouch:, Saturday soccer 9am and Sunday NOTHING. I'm super busy too but want my kids to do thing I didn't get the chance to do. It don't matter how tired I am and how much I would like to stay home... it's what I signed up for when I decided to have kids. Don't discourage them to NOT do something because it's not convenient for you. This stuff keeps kids happy, healthy and outta trouble. GOOD LUCK!!:D

Meeko
07-05-2011, 08:33 AM
Have you looked into car pooling? Sharing the running around makes life MUCH easier!

daysofelijah
07-05-2011, 08:40 AM
My boys do two sports each year. They are 6 and 8 and we have been doing sports since the oldest was 5. When we started doing sports I changed my closing time to 5:15 because some practices do start at 5:30. It does get expensive with two boys, but it's worth it imo.

I think team sports are pretty important, but my boys are also homeschooled so they don't get that in the school day. Practices are really only two days a week which for us is a good reason to get out of the house, especially in the winter. Games or meets (football and wrestling) are generally Saturday mornings, so we still have afternoons free. I can see how the afternoon games would be hard to deal with, but it's not long term.

I think you should give it a try and give your son the option of doing it. It's good experience, esp at his age. I look forward to starting my dd (3) in gymnastics in the next year or two and hope she loves it. I never got to do gymnastics as a kid and have always regretted it.

momma2girls
07-05-2011, 09:07 AM
I feel this is very important as well. My daughter has played softball for 5 yr. now, and she loves it!!
This is one of the main reasons for closing at 4:30, so I can make it to all her games, swimming lessons, etc.. on time, and do not miss out on anything!!

daycare
07-05-2011, 09:16 AM
I have been working with kids for a very long time, I used to teach youth sports and I feel that it is very important part of your childs life.

Not only does it teach them how to work together as a team and help then build confidence, it also keeps them out of trouble when trying to find something to do when they are bored. It also teaches them to stand by their commitments that they make.

I was a single mom for a long time and had both of my kids in sports. I found that signing your child up with a friend always worked out really well. I would always do a ride share with my kids. Usually I did the pick up after practice and did this with both of my kids.

Sometimes we had several parents in on the ride share that I would only pick up once a week.

As for the games, your family will learn to love going. You will make an event out of it by packing picnic lunches or dinners and having a balst spending time together outside of the home.

Both of my kids are still very active. NO matter what, I make every practice and every game. But they are older now so they usually practice later in the evening. I enjoy watching them do what they love and I could be more proud.
BTW all 3 of my kids are involved in 3 plus activities a week........
My adivce is to find a ride share.

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 09:36 AM
Where is dad at? Can't he help you out? I have two daughters. The oldest (8) is in Soccer and dance and the youngest (5) is in Softball and dance. Soccer is Monday nights at 6pm, Ballet is Tuesday 630pm, Wednesday is Softball 530pm, Thursday is Soccer again at 6pm, Friday NOTHING :ouch:, Saturday soccer 9am and Sunday NOTHING. I'm super busy too but want my kids to do thing I didn't get the chance to do. It don't matter how tired I am and how much I would like to stay home... it's what I signed up for when I decided to have kids. Don't discourage them to NOT do something because it's not convenient for you. This stuff keeps kids happy, healthy and outta trouble. GOOD LUCK!!:D

Dad is not in the picture. Step dad has his own child in hockey and that is usually 3 nights a week so the chance of him being able to help is slim not to mention I'm not the type to ask for help.

I don't like to drive and I have a huge anxiety issue when leaving the house. (That's why I work from home! :p) People in our community are very hoity toity and competitive. I think kids sports should be more of a fun and educational experience not hooting and hollaring and yelling.

I'm having a really hard time getting out of my comfort zone on this....

sharlan
07-05-2011, 09:41 AM
Please don't take this wrong, it's not meant to upset. BUT, STEPFATHER has chosen to be the father figure to these children. He's made that choice, not them. If he has the time to interact with "his" son, he needs to make the time to help with "your" children as well.

Your children see their stepbrother getting to do things, why can't they?

As someone else said, try signing your son up with a friend and ask the other parents to share carpooling.

daycare
07-05-2011, 09:43 AM
Dad is not in the picture. Step dad has his own child in hockey and that is usually 3 nights a week so the chance of him being able to help is slim not to mention I'm not the type to ask for help.

I don't like to drive and I have a huge anxiety issue when leaving the house. (That's why I work from home! :p) People in our community are very hoity toity and competitive. I think kids sports should be more of a fun and educational experience not hooting and hollaring and yelling.

I'm having a really hard time getting out of my comfort zone on this....
I feel you on this and i think that if you prep your child about it being fun and remind them that its about fun then that is what it will be..
I tell my kids win or lose no matter what as long as you are having fun is all that matters

I do agree with what you are saying, as my sons football team went to flordia to compete in the pop warner ESPN orange bowl at age 10.... The coaches were over the top crazy that I think they took a lot of the fun out of it. I almost pulled my son off the team that year, but he wanted to stay and said that he could deal with the coaches that it didnt bother him.

Just like everything in your life, you have to make a habit of it. Once you start doing it, you will make a habit of it and it will get easy for you..

Again ride share would be a smart way to go..

jen
07-05-2011, 09:44 AM
Dad is not in the picture. Step dad has his own child in hockey and that is usually 3 nights a week so the chance of him being able to help is slim not to mention I'm not the type to ask for help.

I don't like to drive and I have a huge anxiety issue when leaving the house. (That's why I work from home! :p) People in our community are very hoity toity and competitive. I think kids sports should be more of a fun and educational experience not hooting and hollaring and yelling.

I'm having a really hard time getting out of my comfort zone on this....

I totally understand anxiety issues and how they can impact your life. Have you considered getting some help so that you can effectively deal with them? When you have an issue such as anxiety and its reaching a point that it is effecting your parenting, I would definitely suggest consulting a professional.

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 09:48 AM
Please don't take this wrong, it's not meant to upset. BUT, STEPFATHER has chosen to be the father figure to these children. He's made that choice, not them. If he has the time to interact with "his" son, he needs to make the time to help with "your" children as well.

Your children see their stepbrother getting to do things, why can't they?

As someone else said, try signing your son up with a friend and ask the other parents to share carpooling.

Step brother lived with grandma up until a year ago so we've never really gotten to "see" him do much...not that we were very interested anyway.

And, it's not step father, it's me. I don't want him taking on the roll of father. I have been their mother and father for years and when I got into a relationship with him, I didn't do it to find a suitable father for my kids. I have been doing it on my own for years and I don't like asking for help. I learned to adapt when I got divorced and still live that way.

I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have don't have kids my age.

You guys all make valid points and I respect that but between the anxiety, the lack of help and going out of my comfort zone, this is really too much! I have a guy friend that offered to take him to all his games but then I feel guilty if I'm not there.

It's a 6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of another situation.

jen
07-05-2011, 09:54 AM
Step brother lived with grandma up until a year ago so we've never really gotten to "see" him do much...not that we were very interested anyway.

And, it's not step father, it's me. I don't want him taking on the roll of father. I have been their mother and father for years and when I got into a relationship with him, I didn't do it to find a suitable father for my kids. I have been doing it on my own for years and I don't like asking for help. I learned to adapt when I got divorced and still live that way.

I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have don't have kids my age.

You guys all make valid points and I respect that but between the anxiety, the lack of help and going out of my comfort zone, this is really too much! I have a guy friend that offered to take him to all his games but then I feel guilty if I'm not there.

It's a 6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of another situation.

OK...no doubt that someone is going to tell me I'm being mean but...

Aren't you holding your children back from participating in events and making friends in order avoid dealing with your own issues? It sounds as though you've found a solution that at least lets the kids participate but don't want to do that because you'll feel guilty. I'm sorry, but isn't that YOUR problem? It seems that you are making your kids pay the price for your issues and that really isn't fair.

By the way, what did you mean when you said "Step brother lived with grandma up until a year ago so we've never really gotten to "see" him do much...not that we were very interested anyway." Are you saying that you and your husband weren't interested in seeing your stepson participate in hockey?

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 10:05 AM
OK...no doubt that someone is going to tell me I'm being mean but...

Aren't you holding your children back from participating in events and making friends in order avoid dealing with your own issues? It sounds as though you've found a solution that at least lets the kids participate but don't want to do that because you'll feel guilty. I'm sorry, but isn't that YOUR problem? It seems that you are making your kids pay the price for your issues and that really isn't fair.

By the way, what did you mean when you said "Step brother lived with grandma up until a year ago so we've never really gotten to "see" him do much...not that we were very interested anyway." Are you saying that you and your husband weren't interested in seeing your stepson participate in hockey?

I'm saying that ME & MY KIDS weren't interested. Still aren't.

I was raised in a family that sports were "stupid" and a "waste of money time and money". And the community I live in has made them about winning and losing...not about the kids ability to learn and play fairly. That disappoints me beyond belief and is a contributing factor to me not wanting to be involved.

I admit I have my issues and financial matters are also a huge part. Not only do I want to have to pay a large expense to participate but the cost of equipment and the gas to transport back and forth...I'm projecting it costing at least $500 for a 9 week program.

To me, that is a chunk of change that I can't pull out of the sky.

jen
07-05-2011, 10:10 AM
I'm saying that ME & MY KIDS weren't interested. Still aren't.

I was raised in a family that sports were "stupid" and a "waste of money time and money". And the community I live in has made them about winning and losing...not about the kids ability to learn and play fairly. That disappoints me beyond belief and is a contributing factor to me not wanting to be involved.

I admit I have my issues and financial matters are also a huge part. Not only do I want to have to pay a large expense to participate but the cost of equipment and the gas to transport back and forth...I'm projecting it costing at least $500 for a 9 week program.

To me, that is a chunk of change that I can't pull out of the sky.

I would still suggest checking in to community education. It is much cheaper and often times they supply the equipment. You can also buy it second hand on ebay or craigslist.

permanentvacation
07-05-2011, 10:14 AM
I would beg, borrow, and steal to let my kids join sports or any other proper activity. Group sports, individual sports (swimming, running track, etc.,), and non-sports extracurricular activities such as learning piano, taking up arts, etc. teach children way too much to not allow them to join. They learn social skills, teamwork, gain self-confidence, sometimes simply find themselves, spend time in a safe environment doing proper activities instead of being bored and getting into trouble, even if you can assign plenty of chores to keep them out of trouble, they gain so much personal knowledge, rewards, etc., from sports and activities. Yes, if my child wanted to do any proper activity, I would do everything and anything to allow them to do it! You can go to the 1st meeting and let the coach and everyone there that your child needs a ride. Explain your situation and there's a good chance someone will give your child a ride. Or if you can't afford it, call or go to wherever you have to go to register and ask if there's any program that will help you pay for it. Tell your child to try to cut people's lawns to raise his own money. Find some way to lower your daily living expenses to be able to cover the sports/activities. Make a list of your spending - from your mortgage/rent, gas and electric to grabbing a soda when you stop for gasoline. Look over your list and see where you can save money and cut costs. Maybe disconnect the cable (if you have it), maybe have everyone pack lunches instead of buying them, simply changing the way you cook meals can save some money, call your phone company and other companies you pay and see if there's any way you can save money on your bills.

Here's my personal experience on having my children in sports/activities. I have 2 children of my own. My older has been in piano, karate, soccer, basketball, cheereleading, then in high school, soccer and track. My younger has been in karate, soccer, basketball, and cheerleading. I have operated my home daycare and did almost all of the running of my kids to and from all activities by myself. My now ex-husband didn't help much at all raising the children. He pretty much was a walking ATM. Didn't actually assist much with the day to day tending to the children, just paid for things. He did however, in the mornings take our older daughter to her private school in the morning (because it was on his way to work anyway). She went to piano lessons at her school in the morning and played soccer for her school which had practice a couple of days/week after school and games on Saturdays. After school (during daycare hours) I had to load up my younger daycare children, drive 20 minutes to her private school, pick her up, then drive to the local school and pick up my daycare kids from the local school. On the days that she had practice after school, I had to get the local daycare kids from their school first then get my daughter from soccer practice.

Every one of my children's activities has began during my daycare hours. For the past 13 years (since my older daughter was in kindergarten), I have always put daycare kids in my vehicle to take my personal children to and from sports practices and sometimes their games as well. I have never had a problem with my daycare parents regarding this. I explain during the interview that my daughter is in whichever sport it is at the time and that we have to leave each day at whatever time to take her to practice and the parents have always said that was fine with them. The daycare kids that have had to go with me to watch their games or track meets have had a blast cheering my kids on! I have had to have some of the parents pick their children up from me at the games/track meets instead of my home and they were all fine with it.

Basically, since your child/children have an interest in participating in a proper activity that will be good for them in so many ways, yes, I would suggest that you do everything in your power to allow them to participate in their chosen activity.

Meyou
07-05-2011, 10:14 AM
I'm a slave to dance classes so I totally understand. Every single weekend both Sat and Sun between Sept and June there are multiple dance classes for my dd. Two nights a week too. I hate it but she loves it and I think it's one of my jobs as a parent to be chained to my steering wheel driving kids where they need to do at times. My parents did it for me so I do it for mine. *sigh*

Respectfully, I think you need to consider what your kids need and want and just do the driving. Better yet, ask stepdad, family or friends for help. If he's living in the same home with the kids it's not a huge stretch to be driving them sometimes. It's also NOT AT ALL an indication that you can't do it all alone. I've been single, married, divorced,single, dating and now with a live in boyfriend since my dd was born 12 years ago. I expect my bf to be a responsible male role model in my kids lives but not their dad. They have an awesome dad but any adult in their lives should be someone they and you can depend on, IMO. Your significant other is your support system and you should use that when you need it. :) Would you refuse to drive his child somewhere?

dEHmom
07-05-2011, 10:16 AM
This is a little off topic but I'm looking for all types of opinions/advice/suggestions.

I have 4 kids...3 girls, 1 boy. My son is 10 and is wanting to join football in the autumn. At first I thought it was great that he wanted to be active, play a sport, ect. but looking at this further has lead me to believe it would be more of a nuisance than it's worth.

Not only is there a practice once or twice a week in the week (usually at 530pm) but there is a game EVERY Saturday or Sunday and they are all between 345pm and 730pm!

I like to spend my weekends cleaning, relaxing, planning upcoming events for daycare, grocery shopping, etc.

Is it selfish of me to not want him to do this?!

Not only do I find myself feeling exhausted already just thinking about it but not 2 of the 3 girls are harping me that they now want to do something too!

To be completely honest, I don't see us having the money to enroll 3 of the 4 kids, I don't like to drive and I would be forced to take them here, there and everywhere, and I would have to pretty much keep every weekend open. That would mean not seeing my family for 9 solid weeks as well.

Keep in mind that I come from a family that sports weren't an option nor were they ever introduced. I asked to be in several things as a child (gymnastics, cheer leading, etc.) The only choice I got was to be in band.

I don't want to hold my kids back but I do think that they are too young. At the same time, any activity would put a hinder on my job and on my life in general and I'm the type that thrives on structure.

Any suggestions?!

I haven't read ANY of the responses yet.

I understand how you feel. I had 3 kids in Soccer this summer, and so monday thru thursday we were booked in the evenings running here and there. I was also in school as well. It really did stink, but to me my kids joining sports was really important. I didn't join soccer until I was in grade 5, and all my friends had been playing since they were 2 or 3 yrs old. I wasn't nearly as good or competitive as they were.

Its a sacrifice I was willing to do. It wasn't all year either, it was only for a couple months.

It might be a good idea to ask them about a different "cheaper" sport like soccer instead. The kids who never played sports in school or outside of school were the ones who always got into trouble, did drugs and stuff. EVERY kid I knew was like this. Even some of the kids on the sports teams were doing bad things too. But it was always harder on them in the sports.

We live in a small city/town, and there isn't anything to do as a teen, there is no shopping mall, and the theater only plays one movie for a week or 2 at a time. So the kids either play sports, or get into trouble.

As for the weekends, I feel ya! My parents, and DH's parents are both divorced and remarried, so we have ALOT of family to jam into 2 days. Some compromise and come and watch a game in the evenings and have supper after, other come and visit us on the weekend. Having kids is tough, and doesn't give much for time.

Cleaning I do as I go the best I can. Then friday afternoon/evening, I do a much better clean so I can relax most of the weekend. Any mess is just my kids and our mess, so it's not so bad.

They will make friends quickly on the teams, and they can get rides to the games/practices with coaches or other team mates. This would help a lot so you have some evenings to do other things.

As for money, we are lucky because our parents (kids grandparents) will pay for part or all of the extra curricular activities. You can also tell the kids, that if this is what they want, then for bday/xmas they can ask grandma, grampa, aunty or uncle for money towards enrollment costs or equipment.

daycare
07-05-2011, 10:18 AM
Im not trying to be mean, but I don't think you are being fair to your children. I agree with Jen that you should seek medical help so that it does not affect your ability to parent. It's not your childrens fault that you have anxiety and they shouldnt have to suffer beacuse of it.


Just because you find it stupid, does that mean your children have to agree with you and never be allowed to pursure thier dreams?

I am not trying to put you down, but i really think that you are making way too many excused to NOT let your child participate.

All I have to say is don't knock it until you try it. As for the money, there are plenty of programs out there with scholarships, places that will give you equipment and as someone else posted community education.

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 10:22 AM
I'm a slave to dance classes so I totally understand. Every single weekend both Sat and Sun between Sept and June there are multiple dance classes for my dd. Two nights a week too. I hate it but she loves it and I think it's one of my jobs as a parent to be chained to my steering wheel driving kids where they need to do at times. My parents did it for me so I do it for mine. *sigh*

Respectfully, I think you need to consider what your kids need and want and just do the driving. Better yet, ask stepdad, family or friends for help. If he's living in the same home with the kids it's not a huge stretch to be driving them sometimes. It's also NOT AT ALL an indication that you can't do it all alone. I've been single, married, divorced,single, dating and now with a live in boyfriend since my dd was born 12 years ago. I expect my bf to be a responsible male role model in my kids lives but not their dad. They have an awesome dad but any adult in their lives should be someone they and you can depend on, IMO. Your significant other is your support system and you should use that when you need it. :) Would you refuse to drive his child somewhere?

Would I refuse...possibly. Depends on the circumstances surrounding it. For example...he has a week in August where stepson will need to be at hockey camp at 530pm...obviously my job interferes so I wouldn't take him. I'm not going to ask my families to accommodate it. If it was something more consistent and longer than a week, I might consider it. Right now I work 7am - 530pm and I'm wanting to shorten my hours but if I do, I lose 1 client for sure...possibly 2.

dEHmom
07-05-2011, 10:23 AM
oh, and also, my youngest is 3.5 yo, and there are kids on his soccer team that are better because they played when they were 2. same goes for my 5 and 7 yo. There are WAY better kids, who are actually somewhat of ball hogs because they've played for a year or more before.

sharlan
07-05-2011, 10:35 AM
Please reach out and allow others to help you. Your inability to let go of the total control is going to have some serious impacts on your children as they grow.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but from what you have written, it is your husband and his son, then, it is you and your children. It appears that rather than blending you are keeping the families seperate in order for you to keep control. Do you really think this is fair to your children?

permanentvacation
07-05-2011, 10:45 AM
Me again. Thought I would mention what positive things came from my kids being in sports.

My older daughter used to be a paid karate instructor (she stopped karate a couple of years ago) but she had a couple of years as a paid instructor. She is definately capable of protecting herself in the real world - I know there will always be someone that could over power her, but if a guy tried to attack her, she'll put up a real good fight and be able to properly defend herself. She has choosen to go to a small college which does not offer sports scholarships, but if she wanted to go to a larger school, she could get a scholarship for track. The coach at the small college she chose wants her on his track team badly and told us that if there's anything we need help with in getting her accepted to his college, just ask him and he will pull any strings he can for her. Neither of my children have been involved in drugs/drinking. Yes, my older one who is going to college tried it just like anyone else, but didn't get involved in it. She would rather be out running and keeping in shape for track. Both of my kids choose like minded friends - the ones interested in sports and school activities. It kept them out of trouble and interested in the 'right' activities and friends.

When I was in high school, I tried out for the basketball team and actually made it onto the team! I was thrilled to death. I had (in elementary school) been in all Gifted and Talented classes and I loved learning. Then we moved. The school I moved to wanted to test me before putting me in their GT classes but they had already completed their testing for the year and refused to test me until the following year. I got an attitude about that and lost interest in learning and basically had no interest in school at all. Then something made me want to try out for the basketball team in high school. I made it on the team, but my mother didn't drive. My father was a truck driver -drove the entire U.S. and would be gone for 3 wks at a time so he wasn't home to drive me to basketball practice. So my mother told me I could not join the team. I was devestated and to this day wonder how my life might have been different if I had been allowed to join the team. Instead of playing basketball, I was keeping myself busy with the wrong crowd drinking and partying in the woods every weekend. There was another time in high school when I was offered a job working for the government at NSA National Security Administration and my mother wouldn't allow me to take the job because I didn't drive yet and she couldn't drive me to it. She wouldn't allow me to bum a ride from a friend - she didn't want me to get in trouble at work if my friend didn't go to work some day and I couldn't get a ride. I happen to run into my friend - the one who drove and did accept the job and she has it made in the shade! She still works there, has unbelievable benefits, an awesome paycheck, great car, lovely house, plenty of vacation/sick leave, etc. Yep, I really wish my mother did whatever she had to to let me do what I knew would be good for me. Those two experiences that I went through and still wish I were able to have experienced are what made me decide that I would do anything I can to make sure my children experience any positive activity they want to experience.

I know so many kids who's parents couldn't afford to put them in sports/activities or simply didn't want to bother to do so that wound up in trouble and hanging with the wrong kids. Kids often hang in their groups of friends that often are associated with their sports/activities. If you aren't in a sport, there's a chance that you'll be forced to hang with the wrong crowd because you simply won't fit in with the sports/activity kids. I'm not saying its guarenteed that they will get with the wrong crowd, it's just easier to slip into it if you're not already part of the right crowd.

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 10:45 AM
Please reach out and allow others to help you. Your inability to let go of the total control is going to have some serious impacts on your children as they grow.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but from what you have written, it is your husband and his son, then, it is you and your children. It appears that rather than blending you are keeping the families seperate in order for you to keep control. Do you really think this is fair to your children?

LIving the life I am and the circumstances surrounding it, yes, right now, this is the way things need to be.

I knew getting into this that he had a son that lived with grandma and I knew the circumstances surrounding why. He was basically thrown onto our laps when grandma decided to pick herself up a boyfriend and live the "be young, be free, go ___ " lifestyle. Fair?! Not so much. I never expected to "parent" this child.

And, "keeping control" as you call it isn't the reason for not blending as you see it. As I see it, we are all individuals living together. We are not harmonious or in unison. We are just us being who we are. Better to be me than live a lie and be someone I'm not.

jen
07-05-2011, 10:51 AM
LIving the life I am and the circumstances surrounding it, yes, right now, this is the way things need to be.

I knew getting into this that he had a son that lived with grandma and I knew the circumstances surrounding why. He was basically thrown onto our laps when grandma decided to pick herself up a boyfriend and live the "be young, be free, go ___ " lifestyle. Fair?! Not so much. I never expected to "parent" this child.

And, "keeping control" as you call it isn't the reason for not blending as you see it. As I see it, we are all individuals living together. We are not harmonious or in unison. We are just us being who we are. Better to be me than live a lie and be someone I'm not.

It seems to me that Grandma raised her kids and would be free to decide that her son should take responsibility for his. Fair...Absolutely.

permanentvacation
07-05-2011, 11:06 AM
The anxiety issue - maybe you can do some soul searching and try to figure out why you are nervous about the outside world. Often times, its one incident that happened that made a person afraid of something. Once that person realizes that that incident was a one time thing and learns how to handle themselves if it ever were to happen again or how to go about a more typical life ( going outside, to your kids games, driving, etc. ) while feeling more in control of situations that might arise that make them feel uncomfortable, you might be able to go out and about more.

A person who had been raped when younger for example. They might be nervous to go out in areas they are unfamiliar with or around people they don't know. However, if they learn that it was most likely a one time thing that doesn't typically continue to happen to the same person over and over. They also learn to be more aware of their surroundings, not seem paranoid, but deffinately aware of who is where. They also might want to take karate lessons or some other form of self defense lessons to help themselves better fight off a possible attack. They might get into the habit of sitting by the exit, sitting in the end of an aisle, etc. so they can quickly escape the area if they feel threatened. Those are some things that someone who is a bit nervous, for good reason, can do to be able to enjoy outings while doing the best they can to make some changes that make themselves feel a bit safer out there.

I don't know what caused your anxiety, I'm just using an example. But what I mean is maybe you can figure out what your nervous about, why your nervous, and what you can do to be able to make yourself feel safer in the world to allow yourself to go out in the world more.

nannyde
07-05-2011, 11:06 AM
I don't do any sports activities for my son. I didn't sign up for that when I became a parent. Haven't even given it a second thought.

I don't have the time in the evening and I need the weekends to relax.

We put our money into having a nice home, really good quality food, and travelling. My son has been all around the world from the time he was an infant. That's WAY more important to me than sports or extracurricular activities.

To each their own. ;)

DBug
07-05-2011, 11:06 AM
Okay, I'm going to take the complete opposite view of everyone else :D.

I was raised in a hockey family -- 5 am practices, weekends away for tournies, the whole nine yards. I refuse to do that to my kids.

My husband and I very strongly believe that children need lots of time to just be kids. That means at least an hour or two each evening to go to the frog pond with their friends, go for a family walk, go with me to get groceries, wrestle with dad, etc., etc. Our kids (during the school year) get up at 7:15, and spend the next 9 hours rushing from home to school and back again. They have two recesses of 20 minutes each as their downtime during the day. Then they come home and have supper, spend an hour or so on homework, and then have a bit of a chance to play. I think the downtime is really important. Our culture tends to be one of non-stop rushing, and I don't think it's healthy. We need to have a chance to relax, let our bp stabilize, and just enjoy life.

We do have our kids in one after-school activity (everyone on the same night -- Wednesdays) and on weekends we have church on Sunday. Lots of other opportunities come up that will consume our time, and when they do come up, we do tend to say yes to them ... because we have the time and energy ;). This summer, I've been able to book a bunch of Saturday day trips because we purposely haven't committed to any summer sports or extra-curriculars.

I do agree that organized activities turn out kids that are confident, talented, and well-rounded kids. But I think it's even more important to give kids the experience of not being over-scheduled, and of allowing them the chance to just be kids.

The more I read Richard Louv, the more validated I feel about this. Allowing kids to have more free play time (especially outdoors) can have the same benefits as organized activities -- making friends, increasing physical skills & fitness, etc.

So, my advice would be to do what you feel is best for your children (note: not necessarily for yourself ;) ). If you feel that your children would benefit more by spending evenings shuttled from one activity to the next (ie. 4 kids = LOTS of shuttling!), so be it. But if you feel your kids would benefit more so from having more free time, then feel confident in your decision, explain it to your kids, and stick by it.

Just my 2 cents, fwiw!

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 11:18 AM
It seems to me that Grandma raised her kids and would be free to decide that her son should take responsibility for his. Fair...Absolutely.

Yes but that's not the case at hand...

SHE is the one that put stepson in all these activities and now expects us to tote him around and fulfill HER obligation. SHE suggested it, SHE enrolled him, SHE should continue doing her part to finish it. I don't like it, I never have, but I've gone to a few games and supported it because he likes it.

Now SHE's back to making decisions for him again on what camp he should go to and this and that. Not only do I think this camp is ridiculous in price but I really don't think it's her decision anymore. AND...Now she's trying to get MY son into hockey! As if there's no other option in the world...

permanentvacation
07-05-2011, 11:19 AM
Yeah, they need time to just hang out around the neighborhood, and have simple down time. I wouldn't cram two or more activities in at once. One at a time is enough and they still have neighborhood time. I just think that if the child wants to join sports or another activity, they should be able to do the activity they want to try. I think only having the option of running around the neighborhood trying to find something to do gets boring and if a kid wants to join an activity he should be allowed to. I think it was NannyD who said they take their child to see the world. That's great - the child has something to look forward to, be interested in, keep them busy and out of trouble, etc.

I think if the child has an interest in something that is a positive thing, they should be allowed to do it. So like the other post said, I think that what is best for the child, not the parent is what should be done.

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 11:29 AM
Ok...in my defense...my anxiety is because I hate large crowds...always have. And, I don't like to leave the house because I was almost killed in a car accident a few years ago. I have since recovered and I do drive, I just don't like highway driving or driving at night.

As for my son...I think it would be an awesome opportunity for him to play and I would give up whatever time I needed to accommodate it. However...I have other children. The next thing I'm going to hear is they want to do something and why does he get to do that when I don't get to do this. I absolutely can't afford to stick all 4 of my kids in 4 different activities, nor am I willing to shuttle them here, there and everywhere to make it work for all of them. Then I'm sure to have my 1 daughter refuse to go which will then lead to me needing to get a sitter for her.

How do you people do it all...really?! 4 kids with a total household of 7 people...I get a 10 minute shower per day because there just isn't time for a 20 minute one! And god forbid if dinner isn't ready at 6pm or their black sparkly shorts haven't been washed.

Between working 10.5 plus hours per day and doing all that I already do, I already tugged in every direction!

daysofelijah
07-05-2011, 11:37 AM
I agree about the need for free play and down time. That is why we only do two sports and keep summers off. I also will absolutely refuse to do hockey as an option for a sport. The requirements of time and expense for hockey is ridiculous here.

My kids get lots of afternoon downtime because we usually finish our schoolwork by early afternoon. So they get bored and need something to do in the evenings other than watch tv or play wii, that's where the sports come in for us. Also hoping to get them into church group one night a week this year.

My dh is very protective of the kids and won't let them off our street, while all the other neighborhood kids run wild all over the neighborhood, so it limits the evening activities they can do around the neighborhood. Plus I don't want them running around the neighborhood getting into trouble, there are a ton of pre-teen/teen age boys around our area that cause a lot of trouble in the area. Vandalizing the park, blowing up mailboxes, stealing from vehicles, bad crowds that I don't want anywhere near my kids. And we live in a nice suburb, not the inner city or anything. I just think unsupervised kids get bored and do dumb things.

That's why sports are a great option to keep them busy, active, and part of a good social group. Sports do start to get more competitive around 9-10 years old here, from 3-9 though it's pretty much the everyone's a winner concept, which is good to a point, but eventually kids need to learn about winning and losing and how to be a good sport. I agree the parents can go overboard and ruin it sometimes though.

boysx5
07-05-2011, 11:59 AM
I have five sons and they all play sports it is busy but they love it and my dh helps out as well as friends if I need them to. I enjoy the summer months when the sports are slow and I get to relax then

permanentvacation
07-05-2011, 12:01 PM
Yep, welcome to my world! Now I only have 2 kids of my own compared to your 4, however, try doing this all while running daycare 24/7! I call it controlled chaos!

I absoutely have to have everything (events, daycare kids schedules, kids actitites, school meetings, etc.) written on the calendar - if it's not on the calendar, it doesn't happen. And there are times when even though it's on the calendar - and I checked the calendar that morning (like every morning) and made my list of things to do in order for the day, there are times when I forget something and at the last minute my daughter yells - "MOM, we have to get to soccer! I'm going to be late!!" As for 'me time' - haven't had that since before I gave birth! But I wouldn't trade my busy life for anything! I have been able to go to almost every game/track meet my children have been in, been able to see them jump and yell in excitement and pride when they scored a goal, basket, etc. My older daughter just graduated from high school and is going to move off to college (only an hour or so away) and I can honestly say that she was able to experience almost everything that she wanted to try and that I was able to enjoy experiencing life with her. Oh, please, there have been plenty of times that I wanted to quit, absoutely hated my husband and now ex-husband for not helping me by driving her here and there ( he owns his own business and can easily have left work to help me but chose not to), would have killed for sleep! etc. However, if given the chance, I would not have changed one thing about it. Since he didn't drive her, I was able to watch her practice, watch her games/track meets, get to know the coaches, other players, and parents. I understood the inside jokes that my ex could only give a dumbfounded look about. I honestly experienced and was, am a part of my daughter's life. I have shared in every aspect of her life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Country Kids
07-05-2011, 12:11 PM
I have four children also-elementary up to high school and we do homeschool one of our children. Yes, I work an 11 hour day but when the last of my dcks go home doesn't mean my day is done. I have to still get dinner done, house cleaned, showers and bedtime. In there we do sports! Really its not easy but please remember you chose to do daycare not your children. Some children (not all) I think see daycare as a punishment of some sorts because they start hearing-I work so many hours a day, you can't go do this, you can't go do that, you have to abide by the daycare rules, you have to be quiet, etc. and pretty soon providers children start resenting the dcks because their lifes start to revolve around these dcks.

I'm all about downtime and being a kid but I can tell you this. Everytime my one son will call and see if someone can come over to play, everyone is doing some type of camp or sport even in the summer. If we did not do the sports during the school year I know this would be the same thing and at least with the sports they can hang out with friends and be supervised at the same time.

If you are worried about the cost ALOT of programs do have scholarships and they help tremendously.

My one child who homeschools does miss out on more than the siblings because alot of things the her friends do are during the day and I am working so we don't get to go.

This year I am closing earlier because I do have a family and they do come first in my life. If I am going to participate in their school years I have to do the right thing and if that means closing early then let it be!

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 12:32 PM
I have four children also-elementary up to high school and we do homeschool one of our children. Yes, I work an 11 hour day but when the last of my dcks go home doesn't mean my day is done. I have to still get dinner done, house cleaned, showers and bedtime. In there we do sports! Really its not easy but please remember you chose to do daycare not your children. Some children (not all) I think see daycare as a punishment of some sorts because they start hearing-I work so many hours a day, you can't go do this, you can't go do that, you have to abide by the daycare rules, you have to be quiet, etc. and pretty soon providers children start resenting the dcks because their lifes start to revolve around these dcks.

I'm all about downtime and being a kid but I can tell you this. Everytime my one son will call and see if someone can come over to play, everyone is doing some type of camp or sport even in the summer. If we did not do the sports during the school year I know this would be the same thing and at least with the sports they can hang out with friends and be supervised at the same time.

If you are worried about the cost ALOT of programs do have scholarships and they help tremendously.

My one child who homeschools does miss out on more than the siblings because alot of things the her friends do are during the day and I am working so we don't get to go.

This year I am closing earlier because I do have a family and they do come first in my life. If I am going to participate in their school years I have to do the right thing and if that means closing early then let it be!

More power to ya...If I have 1 part timer. The others are full time and they all leave between 445 and 530pm. If I close any earlier than 530pm, I will lose half of my clients.

My kids understand that me working pays for their XBox and an awesome summer vacation each year and a nanny to help take them to the pool in the summer, etc. I have taught my kids the difference between a necessity and a luxury. IMHO think sports fall into the category of a luxury.

If the family is in agreeance that dinner will be late on Saturdays and Wednesdays I will be a "fend for yourself" night, so be it but I think it should not only be up to my son but I think the rest of the family needs to understand that it's going to take a family effort and not just an effort on my part. :)

littlemissmuffet
07-05-2011, 01:36 PM
I'm with NannyDe on this one... our money goes in to our nice home, eating well, travelling and family activities.

However, wdmmom, you have a lot of "I" and "me" statements in your posts which is somewhat alarming to me. You have come up with every excuse in the book to not enroll your son into football, so it's obvious you have already made your decision... I wonder why you even came to the forum seeking opinions?! Some posters here have offered some great advice... and some even have more children than you, less money and work longer hours and still manage - but you continue to make more excuses.

I am with the other posters who suggested getting professional help for your issues... anxiety, control, fear of driving, etc. It is absolutely unfair and selfish to let your children pay the price for your mental issues that you have the oppurunity to mend. They deserve the best mom they can have, and it's your responsibility to provide that... especially being their only active parent!

On another note, I also feel very sad for your stepson... it seems as though you don't like having him in the home by the comments you have made, like, "He was basically thrown onto our laps..."

This statement "SHE is the one that put stepson in all these activities and now expects us to tote him around and fulfill HER obligation. SHE suggested it, SHE enrolled him, SHE should continue doing her part to finish it. I don't like it..." doesn't sit well with me either.
That boy is and always has been YOUR HUSBAND'S obligation - and he should thank his lucky stars that his mother stepped up and helped him in raising this child. HE SHOULD CONTINUE DOING HIS PART TO "FINISH IT"!

I had three step-mothers growing up. All of the them hated me. All of them treated me badly and treated me like a throw away. And all of them made similar statements to the kind you are making about your stepson. I am sure that makes me biased but so be it, the way you and your husband are choosing to do things are hurting ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN.

I would do absolutely anything to have my husband's son in our lives but his mother will not allow it and she has done everything under the sun to try and ruin our lives... and still, we fight for him. I take great offence to women who do not embrace and cherish their step-children.

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 01:50 PM
I'm with NannyDe on this one... our money goes in to our nice home, eating well, travelling and family activities.

However, wdmmom, you have a lot of "I" and "me" statements in your posts which is somewhat alarming to me. You have come up with every excuse in the book to not enroll your son into football, so it's obvious you have already made your decision... I wonder why you even came to the forum seeking opinions?! Some posters here have offered some great advice... and some even have more children than you, less money and work longer hours and still manage - but you continue to make more excuses.

I am with the other posters who suggested getting professional help for your issues... anxiety, control, fear of driving, etc. It is absolutely unfair and selfish to let your children pay the price for your mental issues that you have the oppurunity to mend. They deserve the best mom they can have, and it's your responsibility to provide that... especially being their only active parent!

On another note, I also feel very sad for your stepson... it seems as though you don't like having him in the home by the comments you have made, like, "He was basically thrown onto our laps..."

This statement "SHE is the one that put stepson in all these activities and now expects us to tote him around and fulfill HER obligation. SHE suggested it, SHE enrolled him, SHE should continue doing her part to finish it. I don't like it..." doesn't sit well with me either.
That boy is and always has been YOUR HUSBAND'S obligation - and he should thank his lucky stars that his mother stepped up and helped him in raising this child. HE SHOULD CONTINUE DOING HIS PART TO "FINISH IT"!

I had three step-mothers growing up. All of the them hated me. All of them treated me badly and treated me like a throw away. And all of them made similar statements to the kind you are making about your stepson. I am sure that makes me biased but so be it, the way you and your husband are choosing to do things are hurting ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN.

I would do absolutely anything to have my husband's son in our lives but his mother will not allow it and she has done everything under the sun to try and ruin our lives... and still, we fight for him. I take great offence to women who do not embrace and cherish their step-children.

Perhaps you didn't read my last post. I am all for my son entering football, however, it's going to need to be a family decision because I'm going need more help with other things like dinner and laundry. I can't be a "be here, do all" if I am required elsewhere too. My responsibilities already take up 90% of my day not leaving time for much else. With a family action, this can happen but everyone involved is going to need to participate.

I have made a life for myself and my kids. I refuse to rely on anyone but myself. They are my children and my sole responsibility. I accepted that along time ago. We don't have family nearby so it's not an option.

My anxiety is not a mental problem or disorder or whatever you called it. It's the fact that I don't like large crowds. I find them to be a nuisance. Is that really a disorder? I know a lot of people that would much rather shop for groceries on Sunday night at 9pm rather than Saturday morning at 10am. Is it a crime to do things differently than anyone else?!

As for driving, try putting yourself in the drivers seat and rolling your vehicle 5 times and then have a sheriff tell you that it's a good thing the kids weren't with you because they would have suffered extreme injuries that may have been fatal.

I choose to be careful when it comes to kids. The fear of large crowds isn't confining by any means. We just got back from an 8 day vacation. We went to Mall of America and a large amusement park. I don't let things stop me, I choose to deter high traffic times. I know the amusement park would be super busy on Saturday and Sunday so we went on Wednesday. I knew the mall would be busy on the weekend as well so we went on a Monday.

So again, read my previous post. I am all for my son getting active and getting involved. I just don't think he realizes it's about discipline and learning and not sacking everyone on the field. :p

daycare
07-05-2011, 02:36 PM
i read all of the post and I thought the same as missmuffet.
however, you are correct, it is a family commitment... It's not always easy, but if its something your son wants, then put the responsibility on him... have him earn it and save his money so that he can play.....arrange ride shares and only go to games when you feel you can take it. I have a 3 year old that is impossible to contorl in a stadium.... He once almost fell through the blechers 35 feet, lucky some man I didnt know caught him. It's hell sometimes having to take my little one and it takes all the fun out of even going

I don't make all the games, but I try to be there when I can. I tell my kids there is only so much of me to go around and I can only do so much at one time. They understand and are very happy that I am at the games when I am there, becuase they know how hard it is for me to get there...
My husband works non stop and I never have help with the kids or house. This includes the yard work and everything else. My older kids help, but they are never home, as they are so busy with school and sports, or other activites...

Look at it like this, it will only be for a certain period of time and if it doesnt come out of your pocket and you can find someone to help drive, then you have it made and your son is happy too....

nannyde
07-05-2011, 02:42 PM
WDM,

You need to look at what you DO for your children, not what you don't do. Your kids live in a BIG beautiful home and go to nice schools. They have a Mom at home during the day. They have nice clothes, excellent home made food, and a great connection with their extended family.

We can't give them EVERYTHING. You guys have your plates full and it's just not realistic to single out one kid and devote so much of the famiy's resources to do special.

To keep up the pace you have to keep things simple and do what YOU feel you can do well.

You are a really great Mom and a wonderful friend. Shake it off and be proud of what you DO do every day. I could never do what you do every day. It's easy to say to just do it but not so easy to do. ;)

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 03:00 PM
WDM,

You need to look at what you DO for your children, not what you don't do. Your kids live in a BIG beautiful home and go to nice schools. They have a Mom at home during the day. They have nice clothes, excellent home made food, and a great connection with their extended family.

We can't give them EVERYTHING. You guys have your plates full and it's just not realistic to single out one kid and devote so much of the famiy's resources to do special.

To keep up the pace you have to keep things simple and do what YOU feel you can do well.

You are a really great Mom and a wonderful friend. Shake it off and be proud of what you DO do every day. I could never do what you do every day. It's easy to say to just do it but not so easy to do. ;)

Thanks Nan! I know I'm appreciated and you know me personally so you know what I do and how hard I thrive to get where I am. :)

Country Kids
07-05-2011, 03:04 PM
More power to ya...If I have 1 part timer. The others are full time and they all leave between 445 and 530pm. If I close any earlier than 530pm, I will lose half of my clients.

My kids understand that me working pays for their XBox and an awesome summer vacation each year and a nanny to help take them to the pool in the summer, etc. I have taught my kids the difference between a necessity and a luxury. IMHO think sports fall into the category of a luxury.

If the family is in agreeance that dinner will be late on Saturdays and Wednesdays I will be a "fend for yourself" night, so be it but I think it should not only be up to my son but I think the rest of the family needs to understand that it's going to take a family effort and not just an effort on my part. :)

I don't have just one part timer-I have 6 full time children and then several SA that come before and after school. I start my working day at 6:30 and go to 5:30. I'm only closing 1/2 hour earlier and all my families have said that would work for them.

What shocks me is that you have a nanny! Wow, that is a luxury I would Love to have. So if you have a nanny why can't she help you with running the kids around? I think you are looking for excuses. This is part of parenthood having to make the hard decisions.

It sounds like your children have a lot of luxuries so I'm not sure why your son playing sports is such a problem. You said it has to do with money but wow my kids would love to have 1/2 of what yours have.

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 04:01 PM
I have a nanny come in 2 days a week for 3 hours a day. She is here for the summer months only while the kids are home from school. Since I work so much, I can't possibly keep them entertained while I work. She takes them swimming, miniature golfing, movies, library, etc. This way they still have an "outside" life instead of being trapped at home all day everyday.

It's not like she is here all day, everyday. The kids still get to have a life and go places while I have to be home to work.

My kids have a nice home, they have all the necessities and they have hand-me-downs. They all have a Nintendo DS that they received for Christmas 3 years ago and they have a Wii with maybe 4 games.

We don't have anything beyond our means and my kids are far from spoiled. My oldest daughter is 14 and knows that in order for her to get a car or a cell phone, she needs to have a job and pay for it. My 11 year old wants a cell phone. NOPE! It's not a necessity.

The kids share bedrooms with their siblings, they all have chores (which never seem to get done), they don't get an allowance, they get what they earn. If they want a slushy from the gas station, they need to work and earn it.

I don't see where you come off saying my kids have SOOO much. You don't know how I live. Nannyde knows how I live and she attested to it.

nannyde
07-05-2011, 04:44 PM
Thanks Nan! I know I'm appreciated and you know me personally so you know what I do and how hard I thrive to get where I am. :)

Yes I know you as a friend but first a Mom. You were one of the best clients I have ever worked for and I know what you are made of. If I could have a house full of WDM Mom clients I would be in heaven. ;);););););););)

Live and Learn
07-05-2011, 05:23 PM
This is a long thread. I haven't read it all .... Sorry.

How old are the two daughters who want to start a sport?

wdmmom
07-05-2011, 05:55 PM
It's my son...he's 10. He thinks football would be great to play. I think it would be good too, however, his mentality right now is he wants to sack people and throw them on their backs more-so than learn the real rules of the game and work as a team.

My oldest is 14 and in chorus which takes 2 evenings a year. 1 for a winter concert, 1 for a spring concert.

My other daughter is 11 and in girl scouts. It works out that it's once a month and if I'm unable to pick her up, the leader only lives a few blocks away so she'll bring her home. Otherwise my daughter will ride her bike.

I also have a 6 year old. She's not in anything. She's interested in dance or gymnastics but she also doesn't want the little play time she gets to be interrupted.

Please keep in mind that by the time my kids get home from school it's 435pm and that bedtime is 8pm with 30 minutes of reading time and getting ready for school the next day. Lights out is 830pm.

I've already made up my mind...with the help of others in the family, it is possible but there are going to need to be commitments made on all our parts. :)

Live and Learn
07-05-2011, 07:08 PM
When my 3 sons were this age they all wanted to participate in sports too. I think it makes them feel like they fit in with their friends. Great confidence builder.

Since dad is out of the picture and you prefer to be both mom and dad to your son and he has three sisters it would be an especially great experience for him.

If cost is an issue you could look into scholarship. I would carpool with a friend to practices if travel was an issue. I like to have a homemade lasagna in the freezer just for practice/game nights.

To be honest 1 or 2 practices a week is not a big deal. I would do this for my own son for sure:). Good luck.

Ps. I have a lot of my own kids too so I know it can be hard to juggle everyone's wants.

Live and Learn
07-05-2011, 07:20 PM
I also wanted to add that being involved in my children's extra curricular activities has been very good for my daycare and my husband's business too.

The $500 you spend to make your son happy with football might just snowball into a new client or two.

Michelle
07-05-2011, 08:05 PM
I also wanted to add that being involved in my children's extra curricular activities has been very good for my daycare and my husband's business too.

The $500 you spend to make your son happy with football might just snowball into a new client or two.

definitely true!!!!
We have always coached our kids soccer and baseball teams.
We would always get clients from this.
Whenever I needed business, I would just sorta mention something cute or funny we did in the daycare that day and I would be guaranteed someone would say" oh, you do daycare?" :lol: shameful , I know :rolleyes:

MyAngels
07-05-2011, 09:35 PM
I just scanned most of the replies, so forgive me if I'm just reiterating what someone else said, I will keep it short :).

The positives for my kids (aside from the usual, self-confidence building, keeping out of trouble, etc.):

*They made lifelong (at least into their twenties so far) friends.

*They learned that, in order to participate in activities, they had to be more responsible around the house so we could fit everything in.

*They earned scholarships to college - two partial for my older kids, one full for the youngest. And no, they were not phenoms or superstars - you'd be surprised at the number of scholarships available in sports of all kinds.

A couple of positives for me:

I made some really great friends, myself, among the other parents involved over the years.

It's a great source of referrals for my business.

Good luck with whatever you decide :).

laundrymom
07-06-2011, 04:56 AM
I think I've read all the threads, I understand your frustrations with time restrictions. I had two kids playing ball on separate teams in different leagues with different schedules, I did it 6 years with two pregnancies, a toddler for the second and a husband who worked one days, two seconds and two midnights a week. It was hard, add in an ex who beat me who attended every game and practice and a severe inferiority issues on my part. But I did it FOR MY CHILDREN.
I think think " big " homes and " extensive vacations" are overrated. But what works for one family doesnt have to work for all. I can tell you that if my husband treated my oldest two as anything other than his whole children, or if he had one crawl out of his past, I would treat it as my whole child. Not his and mine. And when we married we became one. Not two halfs of something. I hear you making a huge deal about the stepson like he came in and crashed your party after living with a rich gma and " getting" a lot for a long time. I could not imagine trying to separate the responsibilities of a family. I could not imagine my husband referring to the kids as mine and ours. I hurt for your kids. I hurt first because you say the dad isn't in the picture and because you seem to keep the father figure in their life separated from that role for some reason, and second because the stepson simply was born, raised by gma, then dumped to a dad who it seems has a wife who isn't totally thrilled at every aspect about him. I know from previous posts you are a caring woman, a loving provider and a good friend but this post sounds like you are the uncaring selfish step monster who doesn't have care or concern for anyone but herself. It's like we know wdwmom,... Then someone else posted under your name. I think that's why people are responding this way. I would personally say yes to the football if it fit your schedule, if not find some different thing or league that does. I have but one bit of advice for any parent , traditional by birth or by association, remarriage or simply friendship. Be true to your kids, all of them. True deep love goes further than homes, organic food, fancy clothes or long vacations.
Families don't happen easily by some magical event. They are made from experiences, commitments, sacrifice and concerns. They are so much more than being born into a group of people sharing a common living space. They are complex and not always fun. But the true deep love you find will get you through life, or trap you in it. I wish you luck in this issue and hope with everything in me the my post is coming through with the concern and compassion it ws intended to have.

Auntie
07-06-2011, 05:16 AM
This is a little off topic but I'm looking for all types of opinions/advice/suggestions.

I have 4 kids...3 girls, 1 boy. My son is 10 and is wanting to join football in the autumn. At first I thought it was great that he wanted to be active, play a sport, ect. but looking at this further has lead me to believe it would be more of a nuisance than it's worth.

Not only is there a practice once or twice a week in the week (usually at 530pm) but there is a game EVERY Saturday or Sunday and they are all between 345pm and 730pm!

I like to spend my weekends cleaning, relaxing, planning upcoming events for daycare, grocery shopping, etc.

Is it selfish of me to not want him to do this?!

Not only do I find myself feeling exhausted already just thinking about it but not 2 of the 3 girls are harping me that they now want to do something too!

To be completely honest, I don't see us having the money to enroll 3 of the 4 kids, I don't like to drive and I would be forced to take them here, there and everywhere, and I would have to pretty much keep every weekend open. That would mean not seeing my family for 9 solid weeks as well.

Keep in mind that I come from a family that sports weren't an option nor were they ever introduced. I asked to be in several things as a child (gymnastics, cheer leading, etc.) The only choice I got was to be in band.

I don't want to hold my kids back but I do think that they are too young. At the same time, any activity would put a hinder on my job and on my life in general and I'm the type that thrives on structure.

Any suggestions?!

When I did daycare at home when my daughter was young and she wasn't in any sports or activities because I felt the same way as you. My son had football but he was older and in highschool and could get himself there.
Looking back I wish I would have put her into something.

Last year she was in junior high and played basketball not the traveling kind the "cheaper" kind. :ouch:yes games every weekend. But, it was not that bad. We enjoyed the games and it gave us something to do as a family as well.

I say go for it. let them pick one and see how it goes. Stick with it through the end and you will probably be thankful that you did it.

MyAngels
07-06-2011, 05:53 AM
I think I've read all the threads, I understand your frustrations with time restrictions. I had two kids playing ball on separate teams in different leagues with different schedules, I did it 6 years with two pregnancies, a toddler for the second and a husband who worked one days, two seconds and two midnights a week. It was hard, add in an ex who beat me who attended every game and practice and a severe inferiority issues on my part. But I did it FOR MY CHILDREN.
I think think " big " homes and " extensive vacations" are overrated. But what works for one family doesnt have to work for all. I can tell you that if my husband treated my oldest two as anything other than his whole children, or if he had one crawl out of his past, I would treat it as my whole child. Not his and mine. And when we married we became one. Not two halfs of something. I hear you making a huge deal about the stepson like he came in and crashed your party after living with a rich gma and " getting" a lot for a long time. I could not imagine trying to separate the responsibilities of a family. I could not imagine my husband referring to the kids as mine and ours. I hurt for your kids. I hurt first because you say the dad isn't in the picture and because you seem to keep the father figure in their life separated from that role for some reason, and second because the stepson simply was born, raised by gma, then dumped to a dad who it seems has a wife who isn't totally thrilled at every aspect about him. I know from previous posts you are a caring woman, a loving provider and a good friend but this post sounds like you are the uncaring selfish step monster who doesn't have care or concern for anyone but herself. It's like we know wdwmom,... Then someone else posted under your name. I think that's why people are responding this way. I would personally say yes to the football if it fit your schedule, if not find some different thing or league that does. I have but one bit of advice for any parent , traditional by birth or by association, remarriage or simply friendship. Be true to your kids, all of them. True deep love goes further than homes, organic food, fancy clothes or long vacations.
Families don't happen easily by some magical event. They are made from experiences, commitments, sacrifice and concerns. They are so much more than being born into a group of people sharing a common living space. They are complex and not always fun. But the true deep love you find will get you through life, or trap you in it. I wish you luck in this issue and hope with everything in me the my post is coming through with the concern and compassion it ws intended to have.

What a lovely post :).

wdmmom
07-06-2011, 06:51 AM
It's not a matter of me and mine, it's a matter of a a grandma running the show and trying to continue running the show and BUYING this kid love. Now he wants us to provide this, that and the other while I have raised my children with values that you get what you work for.

I never intended to or signed up to parent anyone elses child. Personally, I think it's overstepping my boundaries. I can guide him and provide him with directions but they fall on deaf ears. I know the birth mother had drug issues and probably struggled with them throughout her pregnancy. I've suggested he be tested but because he didn't have drugs in his system at birth, they think he's fine. Both grandma and dad play "special" to this kid and I'm the only one that's keeping it real!

Why live in a fantasy world when the obvious are right in front of you.

As for the way I live, don't feel sorry for me or my kids. We have a wonderful relationship and they are well taken care of. Beings that my ex husband beat me and left us, I had to fill the shoes. These precious lives are my responsibility and my responsibility alone. I brought them into the world. Being a parent means taking responsibility. I did that a long time ago. :)

Crazy8
07-06-2011, 07:18 AM
sounds like its not really a matter of how the sports will affect your daycare - because that part is totally doable. And sounds like its not a money issue because you've already said you live in a nice house and go on nice vacations, etc. and I don't even know about the cost you quoted - I have 3 children all in Pop Warner football/cheer and it does not even cost me $500 for all 3 of them combined - and we live in a high COL area. I have a son on a travel soccer team and that is the one that can cost $500-700/year. So considering your son has never done football before I would start with something like Pop Warner or AYF or whatever you have near you and not this $500+ football team.

Basicially it sounds like YOU don't want to do this and as his parent that is YOUR choice - but don't try to mask it as not working for the family or not fair to your other children. You can make it work if you want to. And newsflash, you can still get the laundry done and dinner made if your son plays football. AND your other children may actually enjoy going to his games, my kids do.

I also NEVER would have said "I do" to a man who didn't consider my children his own and vice versa but I guess that is an entirely different topic and really has nothing to do with the sports.

Michelle
07-06-2011, 07:36 AM
It's not a matter of me and mine, it's a matter of a a grandma running the show and trying to continue running the show and BUYING this kid love. Now he wants us to provide this, that and the other while I have raised my children with values that you get what you work for.

I never intended to or signed up to parent anyone elses child. Personally, I think it's overstepping my boundaries. I can guide him and provide him with directions but they fall on deaf ears. I know the birth mother had drug issues and probably struggled with them throughout her pregnancy. I've suggested he be tested but because he didn't have drugs in his system at birth, they think he's fine. Both grandma and dad play "special" to this kid and I'm the only one that's keeping it real!

Why live in a fantasy world when the obvious are right in front of you.

As for the way I live, don't feel sorry for me or my kids. We have a wonderful relationship and they are well taken care of. Beings that my ex husband beat me and left us, I had to fill the shoes. These precious lives are my responsibility and my responsibility alone. I brought them into the world. Being a parent means taking responsibility. I did that a long time ago. :)

Don't let some of these people get to you.
A lot of these women do not know what it's like to be a single mom and they have no idea. My hubby went on a business trip for a week and I did not like being alone and trying to handle things by myself...and that was just a week!
Some people just like to argue and make others feel bad. I found that out for myself.:eek: I admire you and how well you are raising your children.

There is no one perfect way to raise kids. You are those kids hero for getting them away from that abusive situation and I love the values you are teaching them. Sports are great but not all kids can do.

dEHmom
07-06-2011, 07:44 AM
from some of the past threads you've posted, and now this one, wdmmom has shown a lot of resentment towards the stepson and some towards the DH. If I recall correctly, DH isn't much help in any situations. And while I do understand the situation and how it's all fallen on your lap, just remember, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I am not religious by any means, none whatsoever, but I do believe that whether it be god, or some other force out there, you are never given more than you can handle. Even though it will feel like that, and I feel like that a lot. I think it's just meant to help you grow and become a better person.

Don't let this get you down. I know some of it is coming off harsh, but partially it's because of the way your posts are written. They come across as you resent having to give up your time and energy.

If your children want to do this stuff, and you are able to make it work, tell the kids they are responsible to help keep the house clean, make suppers, do laundry, or whatever else. Otherwise you will put an end to all the extra curricular activites so that YOU do have time to do this stuff. If they aren't willing to help, then you aren't willing to go the extra mile.

If GMA is pushing so hard for this, tell her to fund the activities, help get them to and from the activities, and whatever else. End of story. If GMA isn't willing to help with the funds and travel, then tell her to keep her mouth shut, as you cannot afford to do it, and she's causing tension in the family.

wdmmom
07-06-2011, 10:03 AM
from some of the past threads you've posted, and now this one, wdmmom has shown a lot of resentment towards the stepson and some towards the DH. If I recall correctly, DH isn't much help in any situations. And while I do understand the situation and how it's all fallen on your lap, just remember, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I am not religious by any means, none whatsoever, but I do believe that whether it be god, or some other force out there, you are never given more than you can handle. Even though it will feel like that, and I feel like that a lot. I think it's just meant to help you grow and become a better person.

Don't let this get you down. I know some of it is coming off harsh, but partially it's because of the way your posts are written. They come across as you resent having to give up your time and energy.

If your children want to do this stuff, and you are able to make it work, tell the kids they are responsible to help keep the house clean, make suppers, do laundry, or whatever else. Otherwise you will put an end to all the extra curricular activites so that YOU do have time to do this stuff. If they aren't willing to help, then you aren't willing to go the extra mile.

If GMA is pushing so hard for this, tell her to fund the activities, help get them to and from the activities, and whatever else. End of story. If GMA isn't willing to help with the funds and travel, then tell her to keep her mouth shut, as you cannot afford to do it, and she's causing tension in the family.

Thank you! and thank you to the poster before you!

There is a lot of tension and gma has caused most of it. She's the one that enlisted the stepson in every activity imaginable. She's also very well to do and is all about coughing up money but when it comes to helping out in any other sort of way...travel, snacks, equipment, babysitting, etc. It's not just a NOPE, it's a HE!! NO!

My dh and I might live together but we're miles apart. That's why I consider myself a single parent. If he's there, great, if not, great too. Me and the kiddos can survive regardless. I've learned that once before! ;) Sink or swim, right?!

CoachingForQualityImprovement
07-06-2011, 12:42 PM
Wow....how did this turn into a beat up on WDMmom? She asked a simple question and started getting ripped....I can see how that might make some of her later posts a tad defensive.

WDMMOM.....You need to do what works best for YOU and YOUR family. I think organized sports are highly overrated and that if you are giving your child enough attention, love and quality time and quality life experiences then you are doing above and beyond and sports happen when and if you have the time, patience and means to do it. Not everyone is, nor can be, a "soccer mom"

I never did sports related stuff with my children when they were little. Hubby played every sport imaginable with them and they know all of the rules, regs , etc. for every sport there is, and that, when they were younger, was enough for them.....as teenagers, yes they have played, but it has been on school teams, not paying out the rear for a leaque team.

How about getting a few friends of your sons together occasionally or kids from the neighborhood and let them toss the ball at home? It's a great way for them to get practice, a great way to learn about being fair and being a team player and will give you an idea if putting money into is going to be worth it....some kids join a team and then end up hating it and quitting....so I say start small, teach em' a few plays, teach them the rules and let em' play at home or the park. ;)

wdmmom
07-06-2011, 01:07 PM
Wow....how did this turn into a beat up on WDMmom? She asked a simple question and started getting ripped....I can see how that might make some of her later posts a tad defensive.

WDMMOM.....You need to do what works best for YOU and YOUR family. I think organized sports are highly overrated and that if you are giving your child enough attention, love and quality time and quality life experiences then you are doing above and beyond and sports happen when and if you have the time, patience and means to do it. Not everyone is, nor can be, a "soccer mom"

I never did sports related stuff with my children when they were little. Hubby played every sport imaginable with them and they know all of the rules, regs , etc. for every sport there is, and that, when they were younger, was enough for them.....as teenagers, yes they have played, but it has been on school teams, not paying out the rear for a leaque team.

How about getting a few friends of your sons together occasionally or kids from the neighborhood and let them toss the ball at home? It's a great way for them to get practice, a great way to learn about being fair and being a team player and will give you an idea if putting money into is going to be worth it....some kids join a team and then end up hating it and quitting....so I say start small, teach em' a few plays, teach them the rules and let em' play at home or the park. ;)

Thanks Crystal! He does engage in roller hockey in the street with other kids in the neighborhood, he does play basketball and he loves playing football in the front yard too. :)

I have a few guy friends that come over and play with him on a regular basis and I'm not afraid to throw a ball either! :)

Meeko
07-08-2011, 06:50 AM
OK.....there are a lot of posts here....

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but there are a bazillion ways to run a family and quite honestly I don't think anyone has it down to perfection. Every single household is different. Different personalities, different opinions, different likes and dislikes.

Some think sports are a must. Some hate it (put me in that category:p). In our house...music is a must. I am sure there are households out there with no music at all.

There is no right and wrong here. Just choices. Do what is right for YOUR family. One family's routine will not work for another's.

My personal opinion, for what little it's worth? If it's THAT important to your son to play....then he needs to sacrifice for it. The sacrifice should not be all yours. Have him call around and help arrange carpool trips etc and see if it's even possible. Have him earn the money for uniforms etc.

My daughter is a singer. She is involved with lots of choir stuff with school, belongs to a local town choir and takes private voice lessons. It takes up a lot of her time. And she is expected to put a small amount of her allowance towards the lessons and keep up on her practicing. She does this willingly which proves to us that she is dedicated. She is also expected to keep up her school grades too. Because she is so dedicated....I bust my butt to make sure we help her with her goals. She's a high school junior and wants to go to college on a music scholarship.

I would sit down and take a long look at your family needs and wants and plan accordingly. Expect the members of your family to make sacrifices too. Being a child is not all about being indulged and mom making all the sacrifices.

But that's just my two cents worth.

Don't let anyone else influence your decision. This is YOUR family. Feel good about your choices and to heck with what other people think!

Good luck!