Originally Posted by bbo:
Oh I TOTALLY agree with that part of it. I have 2 kids on a sticker system that their mom insisted on, and I HATE it.
No, the part that I hyper-focused on was the where he suggested we are manipulating the children with our praise. I agree that we are, I just don't think that it's wrong to do it. Specifically, when it comes to behaviors.
I also agree that it's better to say "tell me about your picture" or "you used a lot of different colors" than "WOW, THIS SHOULD HANG IN THE GUGGENHEIM< YOU ARE AN AMAZING ARTIST!"...lol....
I thought it was nuts too...
...until it percolated in my brain for a few months and one day I suddenly noticed what a little praise-junkie my DD had become. She wanted praise for EVERYTHING. She would do NOTHING without being cheered on. She LOOKED for the praise. She CRAVED that attention and recognition.
So for just a week, I tried making more meaningful statements about things she drew, I tried making observational statements about what I saw her doing, I tried urging her to be proud of herself.
And she changed. It took time, she was confused at first (she was pretty young) but she changed...she became proud of her own work. She praised her own work. Sometimes I would ask her before saying something, "Look at that picture you drew! How do you feel about it?" and she would actually tell me, "I don't like it. I'm going to draw another one."
She stopped seeking out that recognition for everything. I loved looking at her pictures, for example, and really studying them to find something meaningful to comment on.
I still thank her for helping pick up. I still praise her for a job well done--when it's really over and above the call of duty. I let her know that I notice and appreciate what she did or is doing.
it's not so much about
not praising...it's about
changing the way we praise, changing the reasons and especially the language.