Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
Yes, you're both right, I could be that, and probably is, especially if this child is an only and gets all the attention at home. It's the fact that he clams up and won't speak unless he's alone with her that made me think Social Anxiety. I have a neighbor who's child has struggled with this from a very young age, and it involves a near crippling shyness and fear of being around people, and has nothing at all to do with the child being manipulative. I know we're all hyper aware of all of the "disorders" these days, but it can't hurt to express concern (without saying that you suspect a psychological problem, of course) to the parents.
Either way he's most likely NOT being funded as a special needs kid in her day care so until he is diagnosed and she is being PAID to adapt her enviornment to meet his needs the end result is the same.
He's in a group of kids and he is three. He NEEDS to go play toys and nevermind the adult. His focus at his age should be toys and other children. She's tried to be the gateway for three months to integrate him into the group and he is refusing.
If he can play well with her he can play well by himself and the other kids. Anxiety or no... he still is a child and he still needs the life experience of playing, self entertaining, sharing the adult, and focusing on the OTHER KIDS.
If he were in my world, after three months I would cut him off of adult interaction except for the basic care things one must do... like feeding, potty, and safety supervision.
The rest of his time would be "go play toys". I would do it all day every day. I wouldn't do a single activity with him. I would make sure that he was as far away from where I hung out with his back turned AWAY from me. My offering to him would be the toys and the other kids. That's good and it's good enough.
When I spoke to him it would be to the GROUP and I would limit the eye contact to the same as I do with the other kids. When I had him come to the table I would have him do it with the group. When I put him down for a nap it would be WITH the other kids.
He would not use proximity control to control me. He wouldn't be allowed to be right next to me all day long. I want him NEXT to the toys and NEXT to the other kids.
Once he gets the idea that he's not going to have an adult for one to one entertainment and interaction he's most likely NOT going to like it. He's most likely going to start balking at coming to day care. He's most likely going to cry at drop off and most likely start crying when he sees his parents at pick up. These are GOOD sings not bad signs. It means he is understanding the gravity of his actions and his natural kid self is going to want to fight to regain his ground. The good news is that he is understaning that he's loosing ground so his next move will be to MOVE over to other grounds. The other grounds are the toys and the kids.
What happens with adult dependent kids in home day care is that most providers feel they HAVE to keep the kid happy. It takes a few hours with the kid to get WHAT makes them happy and for this kid it is one to one care. If they don't do what keeps the kid happy then the kid is going to fuss about coming and the parent is most likely going to pull the kid. With a kid like this the parents have already done this once. They will do it again. So the provider gets into a circle jerk where she's damned if she does (end result of a kid being there THREE months and sitll won't play) or damned if she doesn't (kid gets pulled and she looses income). This is bad for the kid. They may not understand
why they have this power but they surely understand that they do.
The provider WANTS there to be at least a middle ground but with kids THIS far gone there really isn't. If there was you would find it in three months.
Time to decide: Can I afford to loose this kid? If not, then he must get what he wants. If so, then time to have his world be GO PLAY TOYS.
I've NEVER kept a kid that needs an adult for his happiness. It never works out. Social anxiety disorder or not... he's a kid in a group. Kids in groups need to play WITH
each other and play toys.
Think of the positive for him. He's not a child living in a dump in Guatamala who has to scrounge thru garbage to get food. He's not a kid living in a two room trailer laying in a overflowing full diaper while his parents are sleeping off the night before, he's not a poor African kid whoose parents are having to work all day long to just get him the WATER he needs to survive.
He's a kid who has the LUXURY of going to a loving home with power, lights, food, AND toys and other kids. That's nothing to feel sorry about. Even WITH a "social anxiety disorder" this is a HUGE and wonderful thing for him. In my house he wouldn't have the luxury to shun that. I see it for what it REALLY is. We have gone WAY too far in allowing kids to not BE children and know their PLACE as a child. His place is with his mates and their toys.