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Old 07-27-2011, 08:49 AM
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This is gonna be long....sorry ladies.....

"Sue" has relationship with #1 and had a son.
#1 goes to prison
Sue has relationship with #2 and has two more sons.
Sue brings the three boys to my day care.
Sue and #2 have a rocky relationship and she has affair with #3.
Sue gets pregnant. It's #3's.
Sue and #2 split up and #3 moves into her house. They have a boy.
#3 is in trouble with the law constantly...drugs, dui etc. Is a waste of space and reminds me of the Sean Penn character from Fast Times at Ridgemont High...)
The three boys volunteer that mommy won't ever marry #3 because he won't be a good father and husband (she actually told them that!)
Sue gets pregnant again with #3's baby They have a girl.
All five children are at my day care.

Then...just to complicate things.....#2 gets his new girlfriend pregnant and they bring their little guy here too!!! Talk about revolving partners!!!

Are you with me so far?!!!

#3 has a daughter from a previous relationship. The mother is a drug addict and is in and out of rehab, no job etc. So dad is the better parent at this point
Daughter comes to live with dad and "Sue" and attends my day care.

She is 12 years old and the sweetest kid. I have been told many times by Sue that the mom is coming to get the 12 year old from day care. She has never showed up due to being too drunk, high etc. I have had this little girl curl up in my arms and break her heart because she loves and misses her mom.

Then about 3 months ago, the mom came and got her from Sue's house for the weekend. But ended up keeping her and it's been a back and forth fight ever since. The mom seems to have cleaned up her act a LITTLE.

The girl was back at my day care this past Monday. She is a wreck. Her mother and father (#3) have told her to CHOOSE which parent she wants to live with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is so mixed up and unhappy. I do not think much of Sue as a mother (their home is a pig sty, no set bedtime, kids watch R rated movies etc)...but I agree with her that a 12 year old should never be put in the position of having to choose between her parents. She's been told to shut up and mind her own business by both of the child's parents!

Any ideas on what I can do to help? The poor child cries daily. She ate breakfast and then threw up this morning. I am not sending her home, because I know it's just nerves. She comes and hugs me all the time and then walks off again. She is so confused and unhappy. She doesn't know where she belongs. I do not even know if she will be here on Monday and nor does she.

I feel so helpless. The courts and social services are already involved as her mom is supposed to have custody, but her lifestyle has not allowed that for the past few years.

Are they really going to make the CHILD decide where she goes? I do not think that should ever be put on a child. At 12...she is very capable of expressing her needs and desires to a judge....but to actually have to make the decision herself?????!!!!!!

And as you can see from the above info...neither household is desirable for a 12 year old girl. Poor kid. I'd take her myself if I could.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:07 AM
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This breaks my heart . I just wish some people could get their eyes off of themselves for a few minutes! I'm sure they "think" they're giving dcg a say in the matter, but what a huge burden this poor girl now has!

I don't know all the legalities and what the implications would be, but I'd be VERY tempted to give her a place to stay, permanently or temporarily.

At the very least, know that you're the one constant and sane adult in her life, and make sure she knows your phone number in case she ever needs it.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:08 AM
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Unfortunately at her age, they often place that decision in the child's hands. It is supposed to be so that she can choose who she is more comfortable with and where she would be happiest. Its awful to make her so upset though. Poor girl
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:11 AM
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OMG what a 3 ring circus and how sad for the girl..... WOW that is tuff.

Honestly, I wouldnt know what to do here. I would think that the only thing that you could do is try your best to be there for the girl and let her know that you are always here for her NO matter what. If she is 12 I would give her my personal phone number and befriend her. Tell her that if she ever needs someone to talk to that I would be there.

My best friend growing up came from a very very bad family life of drugs and abuse. If it were not for my parents, allwoing her to move into our house when she was only 13, who knows where she would have ended up.. HOwever, she did pass away when we were only 19 years old. SHe never got involved with the stuff her parents did, but she always chose yucky men in her life.....

I am curious to see what others have to say.... THis is just so sad and those families should be cut off from being allowed to have any more children..

Can I ask a question and please don't flame me for this, but are they state paid??
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:18 AM
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This is a sad story and I will only add that in many states 12 is completely old enough to have a say in where she lives but not necessarily be the one to decide.

My only other advice is that other than offering the emotional support you are to the child....stay out of it.

I have BTDT and let me tell you, it was the most stressful, heartbreaking, horrible, nerve racking situation I have ever been in. Long story short: I had to put a restraining order on a parent, I lost three daycare children from the family and I was thisclose to having a serious nervous breakdown. I will never ever again allow myself to be in the middle of anyone else's drama. I will never allow myself to be that vulnerable again.

You cannot save everyones children. You only know what you have observed and have been told. I guarantee you there are many more complicated layers to this story that you are not aware of. That was the hardest lesson I have ever learned while being in this field.

There are 3 sides to every story...theirs, yours and the truth.

I do not mean any of this harshy but you sound exactly like I was feeling at the start of my situation. I know it is hard not to act but in all honesty it isn't your place. Be the emotional support if necessary but please do not get involved. You will more than likely regret it if you do. The only exception would be if you suspect physical or emotional abuse but even then, I would only report it to the necessary authorities and leave it at that.

Good luck and I am glad this girl has someone she can talk to.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daycare View Post
OMG what a 3 ring circus and how sad for the girl..... WOW that is tuff.

Honestly, I wouldnt know what to do here. I would think that the only thing that you could do is try your best to be there for the girl and let her know that you are always here for her NO matter what. If she is 12 I would give her my personal phone number and befriend her. Tell her that if she ever needs someone to talk to that I would be there.

My best friend growing up came from a very very bad family life of drugs and abuse. If it were not for my parents, allwoing her to move into our house when she was only 13, who knows where she would have ended up.. HOwever, she did pass away when we were only 19 years old. SHe never got involved with the stuff her parents did, but she always chose yucky men in her life.....

I am curious to see what others have to say.... THis is just so sad and those families should be cut off from being allowed to have any more children..

Can I ask a question and please don't flame me for this, but are they state paid??
yes...state pay.
Not one penny out of pocket for the parents for all 6 kids. From a business perspective, I do not like having 6 of my 16 kids all from one family. But it might sound like I am tooting my own horn...but we have been able to give the kids SOME sort of stability and routine while with us.

My husband is from a terrible childhood situation and he feels a real attachment to these kids. He wants me to keep them here as long as we can to give them a chance, no matter how small. We love the kids....despise their parents....
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
This is a sad story and I will only add that in many states 12 is completely old enough to have a say in where she lives but not necessarily be the one to decide.

My only other advice is that other than offering the emotional support you are to the child....stay out of it.

I have BTDT and let me tell you, it was the most stressful, heartbreaking, horrible, nerve racking situation I have ever been in. Long story short: I had to put a restraining order on a parent, I lost three daycare children from the family and I was thisclose to having a serious nervous breakdown. I will never ever again allow myself to be in the middle of anyone else's drama. I will never allow myself to be that vulnerable again.

You cannot save everyones children. You only know what you have observed and have been told. I guarantee you there are many more complicated layers to this story that you are not aware of. That was the hardest lesson I have ever learned while being in this field.

There are 3 sides to every story...theirs, yours and the truth.

I do not mean any of this harshy but you sound exactly like I was feeling at the start of my situation. I know it is hard not to act but in all honesty it isn't your place. Be the emotional support if necessary but please do not get involved. You will more than likely regret it if you do. The only exception would be if you suspect physical or emotional abuse but even then, I would only report it to the necessary authorities and leave it at that.

Good luck and I am glad this girl has someone she can talk to.
Thanks BlackCat....we have tried to stay out of the "inner workings" of the situation as much as we can. It's just so hard to have a 12 year old sobbing in your arms and asking for help and not being able to do anything except make sympathetic noises
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meeko60 View Post
Thanks BlackCat....we have tried to stay out of the "inner workings" of the situation as much as we can. It's just so hard to have a 12 year old sobbing in your arms and asking for help and not being able to do anything except make sympathetic noises
I know. I really do. But you are doing everyone (especially you) a big favor by just doing that. I also have a strong hunch that that is all the girl really needs right now. Well besides the obvious stability in her life, but emotionally support can go a long way without compromising you and your business. Hang in there...it's a tough spot to be in because you do care but...ykwim.
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:05 AM
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Unfortunately it is a very sad and hard situation for the kids and ultimately you . At that age even a judge will talk to a child that age and see what they want (some places as early as 8) and base his recommendation on that and each parents situation and living arrangements... but they will ask what the child wants to do. That stinks if what you are saying is that each parents wants her to pick ONE parent to live with ... she can always choose both and do a one week mom one week dad thing or something. This is what the judge will most likely do unless she has a prefference for one parent more than another, then it may be more like an every weekend or every other weekend thing especially if one parent doesn't work, has a hard time with drugs/alcohol etc. I would NOT want to be in your shoes.
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meeko60 View Post
yes...state pay.
Not one penny out of pocket for the parents for all 6 kids. From a business perspective, I do not like having 6 of my 16 kids all from one family. But it might sound like I am tooting my own horn...but we have been able to give the kids SOME sort of stability and routine while with us.

My husband is from a terrible childhood situation and he feels a real attachment to these kids. He wants me to keep them here as long as we can to give them a chance, no matter how small. We love the kids....despise their parents....
Trust me I am with you and your husband on this one.... Nothing feels better than going to bed at night knowing that you are helping make a difference in a childs life... It's not the kids fault that their parents are they way they are......

Good for you and your husband to help these kids out....You really are a hero in their eyes, even though they may never be able to tell you this..
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:41 AM
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Does the child have a Guardian Ad Litem appointed by the court? If so, you should probably contact him or her and let your concerns be known, but I agree with the others - lend emotional support and stability to the children, but other than that stay out of it as much as possible.

I'm sorry any of you have to go through this, it can't be easy.
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:46 AM
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Oh Cat....sigh...so sad.
I think DBug said it very well....

Quote:
Originally Posted by DBug View Post

At the very least, know that you're the one constant and sane adult in her life, and make sure she knows your phone number in case she ever needs it.
12 is such a fragile age for girls...how tragic. Help her by talking through it, not much else you can do, besides be the positive influence you are....(((Hugs)))
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Old 07-27-2011, 11:22 AM
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Thanks everyone. We'll just go on trying to give her moral support. I will be giving her my cell phone number in case she just wants to talk. My youngest daughters are 14 and 16 and have offered to take her to the mall on Saturday. I think she'll like that. She adores my girls and it would get her out of the house for a few hours..If she goes to her mom, it will be Sunday. So we shall see what happens.
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Old 07-27-2011, 02:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meeko60 View Post
This is gonna be long....sorry ladies.....

"Sue" has relationship with #1 and had a son.
#1 goes to prison
Sue has relationship with #2 and has two more sons.
Sue brings the three boys to my day care.
Sue and #2 have a rocky relationship and she has affair with #3.
Sue gets pregnant. It's #3's.
Sue and #2 split up and #3 moves into her house. They have a boy.
#3 is in trouble with the law constantly...drugs, dui etc. Is a waste of space and reminds me of the Sean Penn character from Fast Times at Ridgemont High...)
The three boys volunteer that mommy won't ever marry #3 because he won't be a good father and husband (she actually told them that!)
Sue gets pregnant again with #3's baby They have a girl.
All five children are at my day care.

Then...just to complicate things.....#2 gets his new girlfriend pregnant and they bring their little guy here too!!! Talk about revolving partners!!!

Are you with me so far?!!!

#3 has a daughter from a previous relationship. The mother is a drug addict and is in and out of rehab, no job etc. So dad is the better parent at this point
Daughter comes to live with dad and "Sue" and attends my day care.

She is 12 years old and the sweetest kid. I have been told many times by Sue that the mom is coming to get the 12 year old from day care. She has never showed up due to being too drunk, high etc. I have had this little girl curl up in my arms and break her heart because she loves and misses her mom.

Then about 3 months ago, the mom came and got her from Sue's house for the weekend. But ended up keeping her and it's been a back and forth fight ever since. The mom seems to have cleaned up her act a LITTLE.

The girl was back at my day care this past Monday. She is a wreck. Her mother and father (#3) have told her to CHOOSE which parent she wants to live with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is so mixed up and unhappy. I do not think much of Sue as a mother (their home is a pig sty, no set bedtime, kids watch R rated movies etc)...but I agree with her that a 12 year old should never be put in the position of having to choose between her parents. She's been told to shut up and mind her own business by both of the child's parents!

Any ideas on what I can do to help? The poor child cries daily. She ate breakfast and then threw up this morning. I am not sending her home, because I know it's just nerves. She comes and hugs me all the time and then walks off again. She is so confused and unhappy. She doesn't know where she belongs. I do not even know if she will be here on Monday and nor does she.

I feel so helpless. The courts and social services are already involved as her mom is supposed to have custody, but her lifestyle has not allowed that for the past few years.

Are they really going to make the CHILD decide where she goes? I do not think that should ever be put on a child. At 12...she is very capable of expressing her needs and desires to a judge....but to actually have to make the decision herself?????!!!!!!

And as you can see from the above info...neither household is desirable for a 12 year old girl. Poor kid. I'd take her myself if I could.
I would just continue to love on this child. she was put in your life for a reason. Maybe kind of adopt her into your family so to speak letting her know she always a place she is welcomed. That is if you want to take that on. You may be her saving grace so to speak. Keep talking with her and letting her know you care. You are the only thing stable in her life right now. Poor girl. makes me sad. Is there a way that you can do foster care for this girl? Or maybe this isn't what you want to do.
I think it is great your husband is so supportive as well she needs to see that as well.
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Old 07-28-2011, 09:56 AM
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When I was a teen my parents were getting a divorce and my grandmother (who was my "daycare provider" growing up) was dying of cancer. It was so much for a young person to be dealing with all at the same time! My youth pastor and his wife and kids sort of adopted me into thier family. Listening to me when I needed it. Inviting me to spend the night, go swimming in thier pool, giving all kinds of love and emotional support. That my family, although they are wonderful people, just didnt have inside to give at the time. I credit that family alot with keeping me on the straight and narrow.

I honestly dont think I would be married for as long as I have without seeing them living in a healthy marriage, I dont think I would help those in need as much, I dont think I would have a relationship with the Lord. I am so grateful to them!
They never interfered in my family, they never bad mouthed my parents, they just were there for me, when I needed them. One day, a few months ago, I was talking to the dad of the family and someone started talking to us and asked him "is this your daughter" he said "she might as well be" gosh I love him See Im an adult and I still love them and consider them "family".

What you are doing is a huge blessing for this girl. I can tell you from experience!

Last edited by Michael; 07-28-2011 at 12:03 PM.
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Old 07-28-2011, 10:04 AM
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What a train wreck. Are there that many bad men out there or is this girl a magnet for them? At least they are putting their kids in a better environment in your care. I have a 12 year old daughter and feel for her. It is good that she sees your care and understanding and must know there are better times and relationships waiting in the future for her. She will be the stronger for it if she survives this phase.

Last edited by Michael; 07-28-2011 at 12:04 PM.
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Old 07-28-2011, 10:57 AM
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Michael, yes, she is a "magnet" in a way. Some women just like to be treated badly. I also have a child in care who has 3 kids with 3 different men, and yes, they are ALL losers and she is dating a forth, and IMO, the biggest loser yet. Sad. She seeks out the "bad boys".
Catherder, you are a saint.
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