Help Touchy Subject - How To Inform Parents

[juliebug]

Ok, i need some help.

My husband has cancer and radiation and Chemo didn't work. He is getting worse and he is no longer accepting treatments. He is going to pass away. How do i let my parents know they need to have back up care in place now. I don't know when this will happen it could be 6month it could be weeks. we just don't know. Do i say nothing to them and just close when it happens?

Please help

[Country Kids]

First of all I'm very, very sorry about this. If you need anything please pm me and I will see what I can do.

Tell you parents today or by Monday. Let them know that you will need to have back up emergency care for when your husband gets to the point you need to be with him or of his passing.

This is a no and if or buts situation. If they don't have backup care you won't watch their child. Also, let them know you need a number where someone is reachable in the event something happens during the day to him and you need to close.

Is he at home or at a hospice house. Will hospice be there with you or are you trying to do this alone while the kids are there. If so please see if you can get someone to come and sit with him during the day.

[lovemykidstoo]

Originally Posted by Country Kids

First of all I'm very, very sorry about this. If you need anything please pm me and I will see what I can do.

Tell you parents today or by Monday. Let them know that you will need to have back up emergency care for when your husband gets to the point you need to be with him or of his passing.

This is a no and if or buts situation. If they don't have backup care you won't watch their child. Also, let them know you need a number where someone is reachable in the event something happens during the day to him and you need to close.

Is he at home or at a hospice house. Will hospice be there with you or are you trying to do this alone while the kids are there. If so please see if you can get someone to come and sit with him during the day.

I ditto this. I am so very sorry. You and your husband will be in my prayers. The only thing I can add is that if it's too hard for you to tell all of your parents in person, type them up a letter and you can even put in the letter if you feel like talking or not. That way you don't have to tell your story over and over again when that might be very difficult for you. AGain, my heart goes out to you.

[NiNi.R.]

Originally Posted by lovemykidstoo

I ditto this. I am so very sorry. You and your husband will be in my prayers. The only thing I can add is that if it's too hard for you to tell all of your parents in person, type them up a letter and you can even put in the letter if you feel like talking or not. That way you don't have to tell your story over and over again when that might be very difficult for you. AGain, my heart goes out to you.

I 2nd this!

I'm so very sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents but I know in a situation like this mine would bend over backwards and be completely understanding.

Tell them in person if you can, if not write a letter and in it explain you chose to do it this way so you didn't have to repeat yourself for several meetings as it is too painful.

(((hugs)))

[daycare]

I am so sorry to hear of your news. My thoughts are with you and I feel for what you must be going through.

I agree, I would write a letter and let them know what is going on and what you expect from them, including that you do or don't wish to talk about it, just like the PP said.

If anyone gives you a hard time about it, give me their address and I wil fly over there and give them the boot to the butt myself.... But all jokes aside, I am sure that your DCF will be more than understanding and compassionate about your situation.

Hugs to you...

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by juliebug

Ok, i need some help.

My husband has cancer and radiation and Chemo didn't work. He is getting worse and he is no longer accepting treatments. He is going to pass away. How do i let my parents know they need to have back up care in place now. I don't know when this will happen it could be 6month it could be weeks. we just don't know. Do i say nothing to them and just close when it happens?

Please help

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

I would let your families know as soon as possible and please don't give them a second thought afterwards as I am sure they will FULLY understand given the circumstances.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Life doesn't always deal us a fair hand. I wish I could say/do more.

[Heidi]

Oh Julie! I am so sorry! I don't know what else to say; I don't even know you and my heart just breaks for you and your family.

I would recommend calling each one of your families individually outside of daycare. Maybe Saturday or Sunday afternoon, or after 7 when you know their kiddos are probably in bed. Tell them now, and maybe they can even coordinate with each other for back up when they need it.

[juliebug]

He is still fully aware and capable at the moment. i think it will be a few months for sure.

The big thing is these are all new families with infants. They have all been here less than a year. I do have an assistant that is willing to come be with the kids when i need to help out but i will have to close when he does pass or when he starts to get really bad. They don't think they will have to hospitalize him at all. We are going to see the Doctor on Tues (i am closing early) to see what he think and how long it might or might not be.

My husband is not getting a feeding tube are anything else more medically at this time he is going to continue his meds tho. We are also looking in to hospice too and deciding when we need them.

worse case i can pack all the kids in the van with me if i need to take dh to the ER.

[AfterSchoolMom]

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry - I'll say a prayer for you and your DH.

[busymomof2]

JulieBug I am so sorry for you and your family. It's too bad that you have to work these last months with him. Use your assistant as much as possible. My father passed from cancer over 6 years ago but it hurts like it was yesterday. Spend as much time as you can with him and tell him everything you need to so you don't have any regrets. I would highly recommend hospice because they can help him with his pain and be that support for you. My dad's nurse was the BEST. I could not have done it without her especially at the end. As for your families, they would be cold hearted if they didn't understand. Just about everyone has been affected by cancer in some way or another...they will understand. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. If you just want to talk to someone who has gone through something similar let me know.

[MrsSteinel'sHouse]

You have my prayers too.
I also agree that you need to notify the parents now.
Take Care!!!

[boysx5]

Keeping you in my prayers

[Meeko]

So sorry...please know you are in the prayers of so many of us. Lean on us if you need to vent, cry, question or just talk. We are here for you.

[Sunchimes]

Oh hon, I'm so sorry. There are just no words. I think whether you write a letter or tell them in person is up to you. For some people, talking helps-I'm that way-and I'd tell them in person. Others are more private and a note would be easiest for them. You do what feels right for you.

My prayers are with you.

[sharlan]

My thoughts are prayers for you and your family. I pray for some quality time for your family.

Please remember, that there is no expiration date stamped on your husband's foot. Regardless, at this point, whatever the drs tell you, it's a guesstimate.

[MyAngels]

I will be praying for you and your family in this difficult time as well.

I would probably let your daycare families know what is going on, to the extent your dh is comfortable with giving out information. They will understand and could be a source of help and comfort as well.

(((Hugs))) to you and yours.

[WImom]

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry. Prayers for you and your husband.

[rhymia1]

I am so sorry. I agree with the previous posters who said to let the parents know asap and then be done with thinking about them. Thoughts and prayers to your family.

[SilverSabre25]

I'm so sorry. My thoughts will be with you, your husband, and your family during this difficult time.

[Sugar Magnolia]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you. Peace and Love.

[DBug]

I can't imagine going through this situation with my husband . My heart breaks for you and him, and I just hope that you are able to make some amazing memories in the meantime! Enjoy every moment, as much as possible.

My mom passed two years ago, and I typed up a newsletter that explained to my parents that my mom was in poor health (I didn't go into detail, but it was cancer) and that I may need to leave or close daycare unexpectedly. I wrote that I would call them as soon as possible if I was going to be closed, but also that if I needed to leave during the day my backup would come and call each of them to pick up their kids. Then when I handed them the letter, I quickly said "Here's your newsletter. The most important thing in it is that my mom has a major health concern and I may need to close unexpectedly. The details are in there." I did it that way because if I had to tell each parent, I would have burst into tears each time.

They were amazing! One family was iffy, but they didn't say anything negative thankfully. Most of my families brought flowers and other gifts when I reopened and were just so amazingly supportive. I know yours will probably be just as great, but if they aren't, don't give them another thought.

My thoughts and prayers are with you .

[e.j.]

I"m so sorry to hear that your husband's prognosis isn't a good one. I will keep you both in my prayers.

As far as the dc parents are concerned, if you need the income and are afraid they might "jump ship", I would wait as long as possible to say something - as long as your assistant is there to help, you can keep the kids safe and you can stay in compliance with your state's regs. As your husband's illness progresses, you'll know when it's time to say something to your dc parents. You can either do it verbally or in writing, whichever you feel most comfortable doing but try to give them enough time to make arrangments for alternate care as needed. If you aren't too concerned they'll leave, I would tell them asap.

When my father was hospitalized and going through testing, I didn't say anything to my dc parents. Once he was diagnosed with cancer and we were told he had only a couple of weeks to live, I spoke with my dc parents and explained the situation. They were all incredibly supportive. It took some of the stress off of me, too, to know they understood, had backup care and had no problem with me closing any time I needed. I hope your dc parents are just as supportive.

[youretooloud]

I am SO sorry! My heart is breaking for you.

If you aren't ready to say anything to them, don't until you know it's time. They can find backup care quickly. You need to do what is right for you. WHen you are ready, they will all come back and be the light of your life.

Those parents who are not supportive, or are selfish (and I can't believe anybody would) are not worth accepting back.

If you NEED to talk to them, because sometimes we need to talk about it, then do. They will also be a wonderful support system. I know my own DC parents would rally behind me and come up with ways to help.

[saved4always]

I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with everyone else that you should let them know now. Whether in person or by letter depends on how much you want to talk to them about it. If you would rather not have in-depth conversations with each of them, type up a letter to give them Monday. Then you can concentrate on your husband without stressing about your daycare families.

((Hugs)).

[MizzCheryl]

I am so sorry for you and your husband.
These things have a way of working themselves out. Don't worry about it. Just take care of you and your husband. That is what matters. Your DCparents will understand.

[momofsix]

I'd let you dc parents know what you're comfortable sharing when your comfortable doing it, as soon as possible though. Let them know clearly what you need from them as far as emergency pick ups, time off, whatever you need from them.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Keep sharing, venting , crying and whatever you need to us on here-we'll be here to support you as best as we can.
I'll be praying for you and your husband during this time.

[juliebug]

Thanks for all the support and love.

We have a doctor appt on tues and i think i will talk to the parents after i have more information.

They have been good so far but none has impacted them. my sub has come a few times but she is working more and is available less.

Next Sat we are going to the funeral home and pre-planing so it is easier on me when the time comes.

[littlemissmuffet]

Oh my goodness, Julie... you are so strong. Your post made me cry. (((hugs))) Your and yours will remain in my thoughts.

[EarthyMom]

I am sorry to hear this news. May angels surround you and your family during this difficult time bringing peace, support, and love.

[BABYLUVER]

Originally Posted by Country Kids

First of all I'm very, very sorry about this. If you need anything please pm me and I will see what I can do.

Tell you parents today or by Monday. Let them know that you will need to have back up emergency care for when your husband gets to the point you need to be with him or of his passing.

This is a no and if or buts situation. If they don't have backup care you won't watch their child. Also, let them know you need a number where someone is reachable in the event something happens during the day to him and you need to close.

Is he at home or at a hospice house. Will hospice be there with you or are you trying to do this alone while the kids are there. If so please see if you can get someone to come and sit with him during the day.

I agree with this.

And I too am very sorry that this is happening.

[Provider_Manda]

You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers..I am very sorry you guys have to go through this. I would let them know as soon as possible. That way they can go ahead and make backup arrangements.

((HUGS))

[MaritimeMummy]

No one should have to go through this. My heart aches for you. You''re both in my thoughts. I couldn't even imagine being in your position now. I'm so sorry.

Originally Posted by juliebug

Thanks for all the support and love.

We have a doctor appt on tues and i think i will talk to the parents after i have more information.

They have been good so far but none has impacted them. my sub has come a few times but she is working more and is available less.

Next Sat we are going to the funeral home and pre-planing so it is easier on me when the time comes.

Julie-

Do what you have to do. Your husband is only going to be with you for a very short time. I would close shop for a few months and spend that time with him, devote those last days to him and enjoy the little time left together that you have, now while he is at his best. Take out a loan if $ is the issue or borrow from loved ones- whatever you have to do. If that is not an option for you then I would cut way back on the hours that I was open. I would send out a letter to my parents and explain your plans, and that at this time you need to do what is best for your family. I would be too emotional to be able to tell this to my parents, so a letter for everyone would work best for me.

Hospice is a Gods Send. They will be there for not only your husband and his comfort, but also for the family unit.

Prayers and thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Take my advice and lighten your load if you can, you will never get that time back.

My last thought would be what the parents thought during this time. Family comes first. They will understand and if they don't it is time to move those parents on to a Center, or another daycare. Best-

[lil angels]

Oh my gosh I am in tears right now! I am thinking of you and praying hope it all helps no body should ever have to go through that!

Hugs

[Lilbutterflie]

I am in tears, my heart is breaking for you!! My prayers go out to you and your husband and family during this time.

I think you have been given some great advice from the others- definitely tell the parents after your appt tomorrow. If it is easier for you, type it up in a letter so that you don't have to break down every time you tell the story. If it were me I would probably give the parents notice and close the daycare so that I could spend all the time with him I could. Ask for donations from friends and family or take a loan, do whatever you have to do to be with him! Perhaps it might be possible to interview and hire someone who would be available to watch the kids and take over the daycare until it is time to return back to work. That way you get to keep your clients.

[JenNJ]

I am so very sorry. I wish you both peace, happiness, and love during this time.

If oyu don't want to repeat the information over and over, I would write a letter. Hand it out in print and email it as well. Post a large note on the door that they need to acknowledge they have read and understand the letter.

If you need anything at all, please let us know. I'm sure we could figure out a way to help.

[momma2girls]

My prayers go out to your entire family. What a horrible thing!!! I am praying for you now Juliebug!!

[KDC]

Oh no. So sorry, my prayers go out to you and your family. I find this forum to be VERY accepting of venting =) It always makes me feel better to vent to others that share my profession and understand at least that piece of my life. We're all here if you need us!

[LittleD]

I want to I am so sorry to hear you are going through this!

The best advice I can give, is instead of talking to each family, do a newsletter. This way you won't have to repeat anything. State what you need from them, thank them for their understanding.

If they give you any grief about any of this, they are unfeeling, soulless jerks and you would be better off with out them! Sorry if that sounds harsh, but really, that's how I feel. I know you are running a business, but I see it as you are being as professional as anyone can be in this position. The least they can do is show some empathy. Just my opinion.
My prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time!

[sahm2three]

Originally Posted by juliebug

Ok, i need some help.

My husband has cancer and radiation and Chemo didn't work. He is getting worse and he is no longer accepting treatments. He is going to pass away. How do i let my parents know they need to have back up care in place now. I don't know when this will happen it could be 6month it could be weeks. we just don't know. Do i say nothing to them and just close when it happens?

Please help

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I can't imagine being in your position. I am so so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.

I would just give your families a heads up, either in person, or if it is too much for you, in a note handed out to each family. I am so sorry, once again!

[Soccermom]

You are in my prayers. My mother has been through this and it is not easy.

I would call each parent at home and let them know what your family is going through. They will understand. They will make arrangements.

[blandino]

I am truly sorry to hear about your husband.

I had cancer, and had to go through chemo and radiation while working at the daycare.

Clearly this is a different situation, but some of the same points need to be made. We sent home a letter with our requests and information and said "yes, this is an inconvenience - but our only other option is to cease care". I think that really put it in perspective for the parents.

[Luna]

I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts. I would tell families after you see the doctor and you know more. Hugs to you.

[DaycareMomma]

Julie-
I am so sorry you are going through this. I couldn't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Every tear that is falling from my eyes right now is another prayer being sent up for you, your husband and your family. I agree with the previous poster that said you should just close and spend this time with your husband. God Bless your heart Julie!

[Heidi]

Julie-how is your husband doing? Can we have an update if it's not too hard to talk about?

[lovemykidstoo]

Originally Posted by Heidi

Julie-how is your husband doing? Can we have an update if it's not too hard to talk about?

I was wondering too lately. I hope you're doing okay.

[juliebug]

yes yes update.

Hubby stopped all kemo and radiation on Aug 20th the doctors gave him 6 to 12 month. About oct 1st or so he started really felling better! Right now he is off all pain meds!! he is feeling so well that he has been ruining errands for us, picking the kids up from school ect. He still gets tired easliy and need lots of rest.

We are so Thankful he is doing well. We are spending lots of time together as a family going to the movies, playing board games. Family has come up and visited. Also my Step-daughter has been taking ever Sunday off and spending it with us! We are planing a zoo trip and a few other fun family activates that my husband can do with us.

We know eventually he will get worse and feel bad, but we are enjoying our time with him now. We do have his funeral planned, and much other things ready for when he gets sicker. We are hoping the doctors are wrong and he lives much longer! but no more treatments!!

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by juliebug

yes yes update.

Hubby stopped all kemo and radiation on Aug 20th the doctors gave him 6 to 12 month. About oct 1st or so he started really felling better! Right now he is off all pain meds!! he is feeling so well that he has been ruining errands for us, picking the kids up from school ect. He still gets tired easliy and need lots of rest.

We are so Thankful he is doing well. We are spending lots of time together as a family going to the movies, playing board games. Family has come up and visited. Also my Step-daughter has been taking ever Sunday off and spending it with us! We are planing a zoo trip and a few other fun family activates that my husband can do with us.

We know eventually he will get worse and feel bad, but we are enjoying our time with him now. We do have his funeral planned, and much other things ready for when he gets sicker. We are hoping the doctors are wrong and he lives much longer! but no more treatments!!

Wow! That is fantastic news! I am happy to hear you are dealing with this all realistically and in a manner your children can be super proud of!

I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and hoping things don't always turn out the way doctors say they will! People have been known to overcome even the most impossible scenarios and it sounds like you and your family have the faith and courage to beat the odds! Hoping for continued happiness and wellness!

[SilverSabre25]

wonderful, wonderful news!

[daycare]

I am so happy to hear this progress. Letting someone go is never easy,. but I do know that when we have time to plan for it, that is sure does help.

I am so happy that you are able to come together to see that he enjoys his quality of life that he is living.

what exciting news for you and your family....

[lovemykidstoo]

Julie, you never know what God will bring us. It is such great news to hear that your husband is feeling better and that you can have quality time. He may surprise you. I had a friend one time that had cancer just horribly and she was termed 'terminal'. She is alive today!!!! Have faith and we are all praying. I know that I believe in the power of prayer.

[Countrygal]

I, too, want to say how sorry I am to hear this. You need to take care of family first. Do what you have to do, and God Bless.

Posted this before I read the update! DUH! Please see post below!

[Sunshine44]

I hope you have a great time with your family. I know you will be so happy for the time you are taking!

[Countrygal]

I guess I posted the last without reading the whole thread! I am so glad that your hubby is having this time of feeling better and that you are able to spend so much time with family and friends! I know you will cherish every minute you have spent!

God Bless!

[Heidi]

Julie-

I'm so glad that you are spending as much time together as possible. Honestly, we should all have that attitude every day, shouldn't we? You know your husbands prognosis, but many of us don't know ahead of time. I have so many aquantiances that lost spouses suddenly, and each time it happens, I think "we should live like this could happen to us", but of course, we get caught up in other stuff.

I hope, of course, that all this bonding is a "wasted effort", and your dh recovers miraculously. Of course, it wouldn't be wasted at all.

Has you dh thought about writing letters to the kids, or maybe video taping messages for them for later? For big dates in their lives, like a "big" birthday, or their wedding day? I've heard of people doing this and I think it's so cool. Just an idea-maybe you've already thought of it.

Thanks for sharing your update-

[Crazy8]

so glad to read your update!!! Enjoy your time as a family. I have a friend who was also a dc provider and without going into all the details I will just say after being given a very bleak outlook on her time left she is still with us 3 years after they said she would be. {{{hugs}}}