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  #1  
Old 02-05-2013, 11:51 AM
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DaisyMamma DaisyMamma is offline
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Default Family Hates My Daycare But My Family Needs The Income

I'm getting no respect what so ever from DH. Leaves gates open, doors unlocked, comes in and out of house during nap. Other family does similar things. We had a "family meeting" last night to discuss daycare rules. I printed out a copy for everyone.
Today was like no meeting ever happened. I'm actually in tears right now after a blow out with my husband, who has broken 4-5 rules already. He made it clear that he doesn't care. This is his house and he doesn't feel like it's his house.

My 6 year old is always telling me she doesn't like the daycare.
My 3 year old doesn't say she doesn't like the daycare, but it's clear that she doesn't.

I do. Here's the thing. We were living off my husband's pay before @ $400-$500/week. My daycare now brings in another $1000/week. This is a huge difference. At this point we couldn't even cover our basic bills without half of this daycare income.

I don't think having less kids will make any difference. The daycare will still be here.

If I were to get a "job" I would have to put my 3 year old in daycare @ a very minimum $165/week and with my skills would only be making approx. $400-$450....so not worth it, besides I want to be with my 3 year old. She full day kindergarten in 1.5 years. I do not want her in someone else's daycare.
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Old 02-05-2013, 11:56 AM
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I'm getting no respect what so ever from DH. Leaves gates open, doors unlocked, comes in and out of house during nap. Other family does similar things. We had a "family meeting" last night to discuss daycare rules. I printed out a copy for everyone.
Today was like no meeting ever happened. I'm actually in tears right now after a blow out with my husband, who has broken 4-5 rules already. He made it clear that he doesn't care. This is his house and he doesn't feel like it's his house.

My 6 year old is always telling me she doesn't like the daycare.
My 3 year old doesn't say she doesn't like the daycare, but it's clear that she doesn't.

I do. Here's the thing. We were living off my husband's pay before @ $400-$500/week. My daycare now brings in another $1000/week. This is a huge difference. At this point we couldn't even cover our basic bills without half of this daycare income.

I don't think having less kids will make any difference. The daycare will still be here.

If I were to get a "job" I would have to put my 3 year old in daycare @ a very minimum $165/week and with my skills would only be making approx. $400-$450....so not worth it, besides I want to be with my 3 year old. She full day kindergarten in 1.5 years. I do not want her in someone else's daycare.
So then maybe instead of giving your DH a list of rules you should give him a budget with and without the income from daycare.

Ask him again how he feels about it after he sees the monetary difference.
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Old 02-05-2013, 11:58 AM
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So then maybe instead of giving your DH a list of rules you should give him a budget with and without the income from daycare.

Ask him again how he feels about it after he sees the monetary difference.
I thought about doing this. I will.

My bigger problem here is that I am taking it personally. By him not respecting the daycare, he is disrespecting me as a person as well. It has turned into a marriage problem now.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:01 PM
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{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

People can be idiots. I'm sorry DH isn't more supportive and understanding about what you love to do + it's value to your home / family / finances. My DH and I went to counseling, and I highly recommend it. It sucked and was tough and I wanted to claw someone's eye out, but in the end it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We worked through a lot of junk that would have otherwise never been dealt with. Please consider it if at all possible. Lots and lots of hugs and love to you!!!!
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:04 PM
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{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

People can be idiots. I'm sorry DH isn't more supportive and understanding about what you love to do + it's value to your home / family / finances. My DH and I went to counseling, and I highly recommend it. It sucked and was tough and I wanted to claw someone's eye out, but in the end it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We worked through a lot of junk that would have otherwise never been dealt with. Please consider it if at all possible. Lots and lots of hugs and love to you!!!!
Thank you lindy. I will approach this subject as well.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:31 PM
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Maybe there are some other changes I can make to accommodate my family. My DH is currently home on medical leave, making things especially more challenging. But maybe I can change my closing time to the time he gets off work.
Or switch to infant care only. Or SA only. Or??? Any other ideas?

My hours are currently 8:30-6:00. Only a couple kids stay from 5:30-6. Some kids might be able to leave by 5.
Perhaps I can change my hours to be the same as my husband's hours, 7-5 with a field trip on Wednesdays (his day off). It sounds reasonable to me. I can give everyone a ton of notice and have the start date be the beginning of summer (right when I can easily replace kids )

Then I can tell DCK no more time in our personal living room. And not nap kids in my 6 year old's bedroom... Then I can have my sub come from 3:30-5:00 every other day so I can take my own kids out somewhere....alone. maybe...???

sigh, this really sucks. We've spent years and years just getting by. Getting food from food banks. Now we have a decent living and it's making us all so unhappy.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:34 PM
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You probably wrote what the problem is without realizing it-how much money your making.

You are doubling a week/month what he is. He probably is really struggling with this-believe me I know. Its extremely hard on men to know that their wife makes more then them, especially doing childcare. Remember, in most peoples eyes it "easy" money!

For your children, its been hard on mine to the point one of mine doesn't want children at all. Not all children are cut out to have children in their home all the time. Siblings fight and struggle, I don't know why we think our children should accept having "friends" over every single day. They don't always understand that this is your job when everyone elses mommy/daddy goes away to work, not at home.

You have been doing it for awhile, so is this a new problem or something thats been happening since you started?
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:40 PM
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I think that at the very least making some better/more separate space for daycare and family would be a huge help. Let your kids be able to go freely to their own rooms and the personal living room. If you can give them other privileges like having a supply of snacks they can help themselves freely to as long as they keep it quiet from the daycare kids.

I feel your pain, my DD hates daycare and says this frequently, even in front of daycare parents. It makes me feel awful but it's what we have to do. she's gotten better since I've started almost pushing her to go spend time away from the daycare kids. She can get snacks and drinks on her own, spend time in her own room away from them, and is allowed things like my phone/Nook/laptop to play games or watch netflix.

We just get by even with my income and I make sure to remind her of some of the perks she wouldn't get without the daycare--like her prized gymnastics lessons, and zoo membership, and eating out a couple times a week.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:48 PM
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I really know where you are coming from. My kids hate that I do daycare and my husband really does not like it. He told me that he doesn't mind me doing this but the kids I currently have he can't stand. I have some very testing kids right now. 2 screaming/fussy babies and other kids that have issues. I told him that I will gladly not do this anymore but take a look at the amount of money we will not have each month. He has 2 days off during the week and if it falls during the week he is gone all day, sleeps all day or sits in his office which is in the basement. He can't stand being around the kids. Our marriage has really been tested lately and I often wonder if this is really worth it. My kids dont like sharing their personal toys which I can understand. They dont like that we are tied down at home during the summer time. I do not travel with my daycare kids. By the time I am done at the end of the day I am so tired and drained that I dont do much with them. I watch kids from 6:45 am until 6pm. It just seems like I get all the fussy babies and kids that are not used to daycare. I have changed my policies but I dont know if that is enough. I used to enjoy what I do but lately I am not enjoying it. I either keep doing this or go get a job. My youngest is 3 so it would require putting him in daycare. For what I would make it wouldn;t be worth it. I keep asking myself what I can do different but at this time I am just not sure. I really feel for you as I am struggling also.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by DaisyMamma View Post
I thought about doing this. I will.

My bigger problem here is that I am taking it personally. By him not respecting the daycare, he is disrespecting me as a person as well. It has turned into a marriage problem now.
It is a marriage problem, it is a respect thing. He doesn't respect your business as a profession period. If he feels that his house needs to simply be his house then it's time you offered him that option. Here's how MY conversation with my husband would go....

"Okay so I've been thinking about how daycare is effecting everyone in this home so I'm letting you know that I'm giving myself two months to find another job and quit daycare. That should hopefully give me enough time to find work and for my DC families to find new daycares. The stress of having you disrespect my business is taking too big a toll on me and since it's obvious that you are not going to make simple changes to abide by my daycare job rules then I have no other choice other than to just stop doing daycare. Doing daycare is too stressful on me when you intentionally do things that make it harder for me in daycare and daycare is obviously stressful on you otherwise why would you do these things intentionally. The obvious solution is to remove the problem .... daycare. I refuse to do daycare when you and the kids are so obviously against it. In the better interest of our family I think this solution is best.

What do you want to do about the kids? We will need daycare for them so that I can return to work. 6yo DD needs after school and 3yo DD needs full-time daycare meaning that we will easily be spending $200-$250 for daycare. I can get a job that pays $400-$500 a week which means that I will be bringing home approximately $200-$250 a week from working a regular job. I think that during the next 2 months it is a good idea to start cutting out unnecessary things like cable, internet, eating out and anywhere else we can in order to get used to living without that extra $750-$800 that I get from daycare. Either you or I should also try to get a second job in the evenings and nights or on weekends while the other one of us watches, feeds, bathes, helps with homework and stuff with the kids. This will help us add a little more income to help us pay the bills...."

Etc. I know you don't want your 3yo child to go to another daycare but I think if you approach it in this way you will give him a different perspective.

If at that point he still doesn't see how difficult his behavior and his attitude towards your business is affecting you then at that point ask yourself if you are willing to make one of these choices:
  • Are you willing to let the behavior continue in order to continue to do daycare and to keep receiving the extra income and just accept that this is the way that things are and will continue to be?
  • Are you willing to stop doing daycare and have less income coming in meaning that you will have to put your children in childcare and may have to struggle a little more financially or at minimum not live as your were financially used to while doing daycare?
  • Are you willing to walk away from your husband to continue to do daycare so that his behavior no longer effects you while you do daycare?

I know the last one is a drastic choice that is probably not even something that you are even contemplating but it is a choice. The other two options are really the ones that you are more likely to have to choose from. Either you accept that things will continue as they have been or you do something to change it. Tough choices for sure if your spouse isn't willing to make any changes himself.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Country Kids View Post
You probably wrote what the problem is without realizing it-how much money your making.

You are doubling a week/month what he is. He probably is really struggling with this-believe me I know. Its extremely hard on men to know that their wife makes more then them, especially doing childcare. Remember, in most peoples eyes it "easy" money!

For your children, its been hard on mine to the point one of mine doesn't want children at all. Not all children are cut out to have children in their home all the time. Siblings fight and struggle, I don't know why we think our children should accept having "friends" over every single day. They don't always understand that this is your job when everyone elses mommy/daddy goes away to work, not at home.

You have been doing it for awhile, so is this a new problem or something thats been happening since you started?
My younger child never seemed to like it. My older one just started hating it since I've had a decent # of kids. My husband has always left gates open and doors unlocked.
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Old 02-05-2013, 01:06 PM
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It is a marriage problem, it is a respect thing. He doesn't respect your business as a profession period. If he feels that his house needs to simply be his house then it's time you offered him that option. Here's how MY conversation with my husband would go....

"Okay so I've been thinking about how daycare is effecting everyone in this home so I'm letting you know that I'm giving myself two months to find another job and quit daycare. That should hopefully give me enough time to find work and for my DC families to find new daycares. The stress of having you disrespect my business is taking too big a toll on me and since it's obvious that you are not going to make simple changes to abide by my daycare job rules then I have no other choice other than to just stop doing daycare. Doing daycare is too stressful on me when you intentionally do things that make it harder for me in daycare and daycare is obviously stressful on you otherwise why would you do these things intentionally. The obvious solution is to remove the problem .... daycare. I refuse to do daycare when you and the kids are so obviously against it. In the better interest of our family I think this solution is best.

What do you want to do about the kids? We will need daycare for them so that I can return to work. 6yo DD needs after school and 3yo DD needs full-time daycare meaning that we will easily be spending $200-$250 for daycare. I can get a job that pays $400-$500 a week which means that I will be bringing home approximately $200-$250 a week from working a regular job. I think that during the next 2 months it is a good idea to start cutting out unnecessary things like cable, internet, eating out and anywhere else we can in order to get used to living without that extra $750-$800 that I get from daycare. Either you or I should also try to get a second job in the evenings and nights or on weekends while the other one of us watches, feeds, bathes, helps with homework and stuff with the kids. This will help us add a little more income to help us pay the bills...."

Etc. I know you don't want your 3yo child to go to another daycare but I think if you approach it in this way you will give him a different perspective.

If at that point he still doesn't see how difficult his behavior and his attitude towards your business is affecting you then at that point ask yourself if you are willing to make one of these choices:
  • Are you willing to let the behavior continue in order to continue to do daycare and to keep receiving the extra income and just accept that this is the way that things are and will continue to be?
  • Are you willing to stop doing daycare and have less income coming in meaning that you will have to put your children in childcare and may have to struggle a little more financially or at minimum not live as your were financially used to while doing daycare?
  • Are you willing to walk away from your husband to continue to do daycare so that his behavior no longer effects you while you do daycare?

I know the last one is a drastic choice that is probably not even something that you are even contemplating but it is a choice. The other two options are really the ones that you are more likely to have to choose from. Either you accept that things will continue as they have been or you do something to change it. Tough choices for sure if your spouse isn't willing to make any changes himself.
I'm not willing to let the behavior continue. Won't choose this option.
I'm not interested in making a measly $200/week and putting my own kids in daycare. Won't choose this option till 3yo goes to K.
Yes, I've been contemplating leaving with my kids and the daycare. I mentioned this and he said "good" though he was mad and says mean things when he's mad.
Other options
Finishing a basement room for daycare use with private entrance.
Moving the daycare to a rental house.
Changing around the daycare use areas and changing daycare hours.

I'm going to get some estimates on finishing the basement. I'm going to take your advice on what to say when we can speak to eachother rationally.
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Old 02-05-2013, 02:06 PM
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I'm not willing to let the behavior continue. Won't choose this option.
I'm not interested in making a measly $200/week and putting my own kids in daycare. Won't choose this option till 3yo goes to K.
Yes, I've been contemplating leaving with my kids and the daycare. I mentioned this and he said "good" though he was mad and says mean things when he's mad.
Other options
Finishing a basement room for daycare use with private entrance.
Moving the daycare to a rental house.
Changing around the daycare use areas and changing daycare hours.

I'm going to get some estimates on finishing the basement. I'm going to take your advice on what to say when we can speak to eachother rationally.
Oh that's great that you have a space to dedicate specifically to daycare. If you can transform your space into a fully functioning space I would do it in a heartbeat. Can you add a bathroom and even a little kitchenette area with cabinet space? You probably won't need a stove but I think that a small studio-size fridge would be great to have so store pre-made meals, breast milk, dairy milk etc in. This way it can all be self-contained.

Of course if renting out another house for your daycare (I completely forgot that this was even an option because it's not allowed in my state) is more cost effective then this is also a great option. Maybe you'll find something near your home .
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:03 PM
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Oh that's great that you have a space to dedicate specifically to daycare. If you can transform your space into a fully functioning space I would do it in a heartbeat. Can you add a bathroom and even a little kitchenette area with cabinet space? You probably won't need a stove but I think that a small studio-size fridge would be great to have so store pre-made meals, breast milk, dairy milk etc in. This way it can all be self-contained.

Of course if renting out another house for your daycare (I completely forgot that this was even an option because it's not allowed in my state) is more cost effective then this is also a great option. Maybe you'll find something near your home .
I cannot even begin to list the benefits of having a separate space.

Whether it is an entire house or just the basement....it seriously makes ALL the difference.
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Old 02-05-2013, 05:03 PM
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I cannot even begin to list the benefits of having a separate space.

Whether it is an entire house or just the basement....it seriously makes ALL the difference.
I'm sure it does. It's scarey to take on an extra expense such as this though, especially since I have two kids are known to be temporary @ $300/week. .....But I could even hire someone to do the 3:30-6:00 in the afternoons and go home with my kids. which would make them very happy. So my day would only be 8:30-3:00 and my income would go down to $665. Sounds like a really good compromise, but like I said scarey with the thought of losing that $300...
I've started trolling craigslist to find some to look at already. I think it would make all of us much happier.

As for the basement, the room would be small (at least initially until I can afford to do the other half) but I would have a bathroom put in as well as a sink/mini fridge/microwave so that it's a fully functional space with separate entrance.

Thank you, ladies. I appreciate your support.
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Old 02-05-2013, 06:30 PM
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My husband and I had this same issue...your husband def probably feels like his space and privacy are being invaded..which i could understand....i dont know the layout of your house but having seperate spaces makes a huge difference.

I would def. take the time to hire a part time assistant so you can have special time with your family...and not giving all of your attention to the daycare...im sure it is harder with your husband being home all day...and husbands DONT like "RULES"

Even though it may be hard to get past the pride issue, for the both of you...maybe find a way to make him feel like he is contributing....and your daughters as well...my daughter is 5...she is my helper...Get your children's input and also let them feel like they are making decisions...it is very hard to share your personal space with "strangers" especially your room....i hear my husband telling me "your spend more time taking care of the daycare then our own home" so I hired an assistant who cleans daycare....
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Old 02-06-2013, 01:20 AM
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Of course if renting out another house for your daycare (I completely forgot that this was even an option because it's not allowed in my state) is more cost effective then this is also a great option.
In a way you can do this in California, but you would have to convert that house into a center and follow not only Title 22 but Title 5 and need at least a BA and director teaching permit (http://www.butte.edu/departments/car...0CDF%20Web.pdf). But on the plus side you will beable to have up to 24 kids (with 2 or 3 assistants). I think there are at least 2 here in my town.
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:02 AM
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In a way you can do this in California, but you would have to convert that house into a center and follow not only Title 22 but Title 5 and need at least a BA and director teaching permit (http://www.butte.edu/departments/car...0CDF%20Web.pdf). But on the plus side you will beable to have up to 24 kids (with 2 or 3 assistants). I think there are at least 2 here in my town.
In my state I dont have to upgrade my daycare, but I can, and will, eventually. But for starters I'm going to stay small.
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:39 AM
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You probably wrote what the problem is without realizing it-how much money your making.

You are doubling a week/month what he is. He probably is really struggling with this-believe me I know. Its extremely hard on men to know that their wife makes more then them, especially doing childcare. Remember, in most peoples eyes it "easy" money!
This has crossed my mind as well. Which is really pathetic that he would rather live on peanuts because of his pride.

And it's the hardest job I ever had, so it really irritates me that people think it's easy!!
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Old 02-06-2013, 04:27 AM
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Put your size 9 where the sun don't shine on your husband! (just kidding!)

This disrespect can and will trickle down to your children and if something doesn't change now you can expect it from all 3 in the future. If this disrespect continues, I fear for your marriage.

MarinaVanessa's post is excellent and if you can sit down with him calmly and speak like she did in her 2nd & 3rd paragraphs then more power to you.

You seem uber focused on your business and it is clear that you are good at it because you are seeing a great profit. Your hubby may be feeling a bit down and small and he may see your business as a home invasion.

He has to realize that he cannot support a family of 4 on $25-26,000.00 per year. That is poverty level and is a great salary for someone starting out but not for someone with a family.

On a side note - my husband and I earned a combined income of $25,000.00 back in 1985 when we were in our early 20's.

Marriage is give and take and if he can support you with your business, you can support him while he learns a trade so that he can pull in a better salary.

Marriage isn't easy and it isn't always hearts and stars in your eyes. It takes work on both sides. My best wishes to you both.
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Old 02-06-2013, 04:56 AM
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Honestly, I would tell him you are letting all your kids go, so in two weeks they will be done. Then, I would hand over responsibility of all the bills to him. They either get paid or they don't.
I would NOT get a job. You have children; they are your job, at least until everyone is in school. How he puts food on the table and pays bills is up to him.

If you think it would help, give him a couple of months to change over, and let him work on how to lower costs. If he agrees, then do it and don't look back. A LOT less work for you, and he can see what is going on with the bills.
For the record, your children are likely picking up on his attitude toward you and the daycare. Both are disrespectful. It is a quiet discussion you might want to have with him at a calm time.
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Old 02-06-2013, 05:58 AM
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I cannot even begin to list the benefits of having a separate space.

Whether it is an entire house or just the basement....it seriously makes ALL the difference.
I couldn't agree more with this! Our daycare is in the finished basement, separate from the rest of our home. My two little boys are able to have their own home, with their own toys, completely independent of the daycare. At the end of the day, I shut the door and we do not look at the space again. I honestly do not think my business would have been successful if it had been in my daily living space. It really would overrun my home and my family time.

I am sorry you are struggling with your marriage and your home environment. I think that, as wives and mothers, we focus so much on making sure everyone in our homes are happy that we sometimes lose sight of what an important role we play each day. It sounds like you are making the right steps to getting your family on board. I hope it gets better for you ~ and I really do encourage you to find a way to separate it from the rest of your space! Good luck ~~~~
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Old 02-06-2013, 06:19 AM
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first, if your dh is so unhappy why doesn't HE leave, what is holding him at the house.

ok, my dh never complains and neither do my kids about the daycare. And I've been married a long time and doing this for a long time too. So I can tell you what can and cannot work.

your dh wants his house back, maybe by having a seperate area for daycare this will help the situation. You have to understand, no one wants to come home to a whole house that is a daycare.

your hours, I found when I had late hours, it was stress on everyone because we didn't have the family time and it was so crazy having to watch and feed dck's because they were here so late. I now close at 5pm, and we eat dinner at 530pm (sometimes earlier) it makes a huge difference.

my kids go to their rooms if they want quiet time or have a snack. This is their home so they need to feel comfortable, this is why they are allowed to go and eat snacks in their rooms (moderation)

as for the money problem, can your dh be hiding some money issues, is he worried about not having enough. Instead of giving him rules, maybe a budget would be better.

do you guys go out, like for a walk or for a drive (me and dh love going for a car ride, but the kids love going too---is this even normal, they even ask us to go for car rides and they are older, we get coffees, stop at parks, yardsales, auctions)

sounds to me that your dh is angry, but not about daycare about something else, and he's going to have to tell you. Have you asked him why he doesnt like the daycare.
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Old 02-06-2013, 06:30 AM
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Move the childcare to the basement solved TONS of problems for our family . I doubt I would still be in business if we had not done that years ago.

#2 ds was still small so we went "to school" in the morning #1 check in after school to see if we had a better snack.

no school age helped with the older one also. My hours have always been 7 to 5:30 but 7:30 to 5:15 was when I normally had children. This year I have 3 until 5:30 and that really messes life up even with my boys grown.
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Old 02-06-2013, 06:43 AM
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Tell the hubster to suck it up & quit his whining or you will give him timeout! He is teaching his children a disservice by openly showing disrespect for their mother. Period. I'm sure you support (on not complain) things about him. I would advise him, he is free to get a job bringing in $1000 a week & you can search for one making only $500 if he prefers. If he comes up with a better solution you will definitely be on board with it. If he has none, he can stop with the me, me, me! (Maybe I'm coming off a little harsh, but I think you get what I'm saying.)
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Old 02-06-2013, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by bunnyslippers View Post
I couldn't agree more with this! Our daycare is in the finished basement, separate from the rest of our home. My two little boys are able to have their own home, with their own toys, completely independent of the daycare. At the end of the day, I shut the door and we do not look at the space again. I honestly do not think my business would have been successful if it had been in my daily living space. It really would overrun my home and my family time.
This highlights how different we all are. I could never work with a separate space. (My kids do all have their own rooms to go to, though) My own kids would just follow me there. I love having everyone together in a group environment.
That is not to say I would mind having a "toy room" I could just shut the door on at the end of the day, but it would have to be connected to my regular home space.
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Old 02-06-2013, 07:40 AM
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In a way you can do this in California, but you would have to convert that house into a center and follow not only Title 22 but Title 5 and need at least a BA and director teaching permit (http://www.butte.edu/departments/car...0CDF%20Web.pdf). But on the plus side you will beable to have up to 24 kids (with 2 or 3 assistants). I think there are at least 2 here in my town.
Although it's true that you can have a separate building in CA for me at least becoming a center isn't really worth it because of all of the added regulations in Title 5 and all additional cost related to getting approved, rent etc. It would also defeat my personal goal of keeping a low number of kids.
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Old 02-06-2013, 09:00 AM
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first, if your dh is so unhappy why doesn't HE leave, what is holding him at the house.
He is home on medical leave with a broken leg.

your dh wants his house back, maybe by having a seperate area for daycare this will help the situation. You have to understand, no one wants to come home to a whole house that is a daycare.

your hours, I found when I had late hours, it was stress on everyone because we didn't have the family time and it was so crazy having to watch and feed dck's because they were here so late. I now close at 5pm, and we eat dinner at 530pm (sometimes earlier) it makes a huge difference.
If I can't move or get the basement finished I will be changing my hours and cutting down on how many kids there are. Changing the hours will immediately get rid of 2-4+ kids so that will be easy.

my kids go to their rooms if they want quiet time or have a snack. This is their home so they need to feel comfortable, this is why they are allowed to go and eat snacks in their rooms (moderation)
I've already made a change that daycare kids aren't allowed in the family living room or my children's bedrooms. This is helping a little.

as for the money problem, can your dh be hiding some money issues, is he worried about not having enough. Instead of giving him rules, maybe a budget would be better.
He has no idea about our bills.

do you guys go out, like for a walk or for a drive (me and dh love going for a car ride, but the kids love going too---is this even normal, they even ask us to go for car rides and they are older, we get coffees, stop at parks, yardsales, auctions)

sounds to me that your dh is angry, but not about daycare about something else, and he's going to have to tell you. Have you asked him why he doesnt like the daycare.
He is miserable. He doesn't really like kids honestly. He can barely walk with his broken leg and we have one bathroom, which you get to through the playroom. Our front door goes to the playroom. Basically the playroom is literally in the middle of our ranch house.
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Old 02-06-2013, 10:14 AM
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He is miserable. He doesn't really like kids honestly. He can barely walk with his broken leg and we have one bathroom, which you get to through the playroom. Our front door goes to the playroom. Basically the playroom is literally in the middle of our ranch house.
you just answered your own questions. He's miserable because he can't do anything, and he feels like the daycare is taking over his life. Was he like this before he broke his leg.
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Old 02-06-2013, 10:33 AM
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I can relate in a way, my husband is very supportive, he even helps with the dishes and taking trash out every morning, but I think he does not realize how difficult this job is and how exhausted I am at the end of the day he likes to come from work to sit down on couch and fall asleep while dinner is served and the house is put together for next day. It drives me so mad that sometimes I resent him, my problem is that I live with 2 other adult, my husband and another family member, they are both the same, they think they come from work to have everything done for them. There is never a "how can Help you today?" Do you need me to mop the floor today? Clean the bathroom? and yes this might sound gross but it does happen... I would love for them to say "Hey I just used the bathroom and my poop was really soft and sticky today but no worries I will clean up after myself because I know you have DCK that are using that bathroom tomorrow" But it does not happen, Sometimes even when I leave the bathroom clean the night before so i don't have to worry about it in the am, I would find it dirty in the am. Is so disrespectful, I've talked to both of them but it does not seem to stick in to their heads that this is MY house, MY working place and I want to keep it clean and that I have enough of cleaning after kids to spend the rest of my time cleaning after adults, pleas don't leave your used cups, spoons and bowls in the sink, go ahead and wash them, I am not going to even start talking about the floors because I will be venting until tomorrow.

There was a moment that we did go to therapy, it did help and it did make us more conscious of each others needs, even when I am describing my situation as a bad one with family n DC it is way better now than it was before, counseling does help, sometimes he is thinking of things that you don't even imagine and it comes out during counseling. give it a try.
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Old 02-06-2013, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by jokalima View Post
I can relate in a way, my husband is very supportive, he even helps with the dishes and taking trash out every morning, but I think he does not realize how difficult this job is and how exhausted I am at the end of the day he likes to come from work to sit down on couch and fall asleep while dinner is served and the house is put together for next day. It drives me so mad that sometimes I resent him, my problem is that I live with 2 other adult, my husband and another family member, they are both the same, they think they come from work to have everything done for them. There is never a "how can Help you today?" Do you need me to mop the floor today? Clean the bathroom? and yes this might sound gross but it does happen... I would love for them to say "Hey I just used the bathroom and my poop was really soft and sticky today but no worries I will clean up after myself because I know you have DCK that are using that bathroom tomorrow" But it does not happen, Sometimes even when I leave the bathroom clean the night before so i don't have to worry about it in the am, I would find it dirty in the am. Is so disrespectful, I've talked to both of them but it does not seem to stick in to their heads that this is MY house, MY working place and I want to keep it clean and that I have enough of cleaning after kids to spend the rest of my time cleaning after adults, pleas don't leave your used cups, spoons and bowls in the sink, go ahead and wash them, I am not going to even start talking about the floors because I will be venting until tomorrow.

There was a moment that we did go to therapy, it did help and it did make us more conscious of each others needs, even when I am describing my situation as a bad one with family n DC it is way better now than it was before, counseling does help, sometimes he is thinking of things that you don't even imagine and it comes out during counseling. give it a try.
OMG Totally!!!! I have another adult here too! She lives downstairs in the half of our finished basement that is already finished ~~~~ wouldn't it be nice if........(you know where I'm going with this, yes?)
OK this adult IS ALSO HOME ON MEDICAL LEAVE! God help me!!!! And she comes in and out during nap time, making the dogs bark.... leaves doors open/gates unlocked. Also learned nothing from our "family discussion"...
OH by the way! When DH comes in/out during nap and makes the dogs bark he says its the dog's fault, not his (insert sarcasm) yea, ok........cuz you don't know the dogs are going to bark....??? They are only 10 YEARS OLD.

I'm going to talk to DH about what I AM GOING TO DO to help the situation and what I want him to do and that I want us BOTH to go to counseling.
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Old 02-06-2013, 12:02 PM
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you just answered your own questions. He's miserable because he can't do anything, and he feels like the daycare is taking over his life. Was he like this before he broke his leg.
Yep. But he was working till 5:00 before so even though he had to "deal" for a half hour to an hour it's not the same thing as waking up to kids in the middle of the house, surrounded by gates, etc. etc. Our family room opens up into the playroom, so there is NO sound barrier.
It took this broken leg to make him really speak up about how much he hates it. And we are the type to not communicate well. We don't say something until we're mad - then it gets ugly. But the good thing is that now I can see how much of a problem it is and now I can work on fixing it.
If it were summer time we are outside ALL the time so it wouldn't of even mattered. but now it gets DARK by 5:30, aside from the cold, so it's not like we can stay out a long time...
Lately my 6yo is really stressed out too.
I'm just really disappointed, but I would rather have a happy family then a few extra hundred a week.
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Old 02-06-2013, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by jokalima View Post
I can relate in a way, my husband is very supportive, he even helps with the dishes and taking trash out every morning, but I think he does not realize how difficult this job is and how exhausted I am at the end of the day he likes to come from work to sit down on couch and fall asleep while dinner is served and the house is put together for next day. It drives me so mad that sometimes I resent him, my problem is that I live with 2 other adult, my husband and another family member, they are both the same, they think they come from work to have everything done for them. There is never a "how can Help you today?" Do you need me to mop the floor today? Clean the bathroom? and yes this might sound gross but it does happen... I would love for them to say "Hey I just used the bathroom and my poop was really soft and sticky today but no worries I will clean up after myself because I know you have DCK that are using that bathroom tomorrow" But it does not happen, Sometimes even when I leave the bathroom clean the night before so i don't have to worry about it in the am, I would find it dirty in the am. Is so disrespectful, I've talked to both of them but it does not seem to stick in to their heads that this is MY house, MY working place and I want to keep it clean and that I have enough of cleaning after kids to spend the rest of my time cleaning after adults, pleas don't leave your used cups, spoons and bowls in the sink, go ahead and wash them, I am not going to even start talking about the floors because I will be venting until tomorrow.
Did I write this!

Just last night I had a moment with my husband, reexplaining that I have cooked 4 meals in this kitchen and cleaned up after everyone of them. Please do not plop yourself on the couch until everything is cleaned up from dinner. Yes, of course you don't care if it is done, in the morning you get to LEAVE for work, and I'll have to clean it up. Argh.
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Old 02-06-2013, 12:10 PM
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OK here's something else that is really going to make this FULLY challenging.

#1. I can only take a rental that, obviously, is within my budget.
#2. I can only take a rental that is on the bus route.
#3. I can only take a rental that doesn't want a credit check! because! We're in the middle of a bankruptcy - which is also why we can't withdraw from our IRA to do the basement right away

I just want to CRY!!!!

I talked to a guy today who has a 1000 sq. ft. space for rent that currently has a swing set outside of it! On 8 acres... AND in my budget range, but at the end of the conversation he says, oh - well, my ex-wife has to make the decision and she might not want to rent to a daycare, or she will want you to rent the whole building (FOR 2.5 TIMES THE COST) UGH!
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Old 02-06-2013, 01:17 PM
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OK here's something else that is really going to make this FULLY challenging.

#1. I can only take a rental that, obviously, is within my budget.
#2. I can only take a rental that is on the bus route.
#3. I can only take a rental that doesn't want a credit check! because! We're in the middle of a bankruptcy - which is also why we can't withdraw from our IRA to do the basement right away

I just want to CRY!!!!

I talked to a guy today who has a 1000 sq. ft. space for rent that currently has a swing set outside of it! On 8 acres... AND in my budget range, but at the end of the conversation he says, oh - well, my ex-wife has to make the decision and she might not want to rent to a daycare, or she will want you to rent the whole building (FOR 2.5 TIMES THE COST) UGH!
The trick with landlords and daycare is to present the positives
  • Environment and building must be kept in good condition so you aren't cited by licensing
  • Long term rental possibility as most daycare don't move every other month
Sometimes those two things, guaranteed good upkeep and long term rental are all landlords need to hear to agree to rent to you.

Also if you are required to keep additional insurance on the place, that sometimes helps too.
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Old 02-06-2013, 01:20 PM
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So, instead of doing the basement, is it possible to trade your family room and your daycare room around? Does the family room have an outside door?

I don't know how your house is layed out, but I was just thinking that at least it's not in the middle of the house then.

You'd then have to put some sort of wall and door up between the new family room and daycare. That would cost less than doing the whole basement. We had a wall and door added to a house a few years ago. My FIL and a buddy did it-took 3 or 4 hours and cost a pitance.

Just an idea. If you current family room is too small, that obviously wont work. And, it still doesn't solve the whole issue, but at least the dc isn't right in the main traffic area.

Does DH have a "man cave"? I know, you probably don't have a "woman cave", but if it would help, is there a place where he can retreat when he's home and the kids are too?
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Old 02-06-2013, 01:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
The trick with landlords and daycare is to present the positives
  • Environment and building must be kept in good condition so you aren't cited by licensing
  • Long term rental possibility as most daycare don't move every other month
Sometimes those two things, guaranteed good upkeep and long term rental are all landlords need to hear to agree to rent to you.

Also if you are required to keep additional insurance on the place, that sometimes helps too.
I wouldn't mention the daycare until after you are looking at the place, either. Go in there dressed in your best (ok, not a formal dress, but you know what I mean), and once you've made a good first impression, you can ask if it'll be a problem. Over the phone, they haven't seen you yet.
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by jokalima View Post
I can relate in a way, my husband is very supportive, he even helps with the dishes and taking trash out every morning, but I think he does not realize how difficult this job is and how exhausted I am at the end of the day he likes to come from work to sit down on couch and fall asleep while dinner is served and the house is put together for next day. It drives me so mad that sometimes I resent him, my problem is that I live with 2 other adult, my husband and another family member, they are both the same, they think they come from work to have everything done for them. There is never a "how can Help you today?" Do you need me to mop the floor today? Clean the bathroom? and yes this might sound gross but it does happen... I would love for them to say "Hey I just used the bathroom and my poop was really soft and sticky today but no worries I will clean up after myself because I know you have DCK that are using that bathroom tomorrow" But it does not happen, Sometimes even when I leave the bathroom clean the night before so i don't have to worry about it in the am, I would find it dirty in the am. Is so disrespectful, I've talked to both of them but it does not seem to stick in to their heads that this is MY house, MY working place and I want to keep it clean and that I have enough of cleaning after kids to spend the rest of my time cleaning after adults, pleas don't leave your used cups, spoons and bowls in the sink, go ahead and wash them, I am not going to even start talking about the floors because I will be venting until tomorrow.

There was a moment that we did go to therapy, it did help and it did make us more conscious of each others needs, even when I am describing my situation as a bad one with family n DC it is way better now than it was before, counseling does help, sometimes he is thinking of things that you don't even imagine and it comes out during counseling. give it a try.
Oh dear, I can't believe I wrote all this
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