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gbcc 06:32 AM 03-01-2011
I am very upset by this daycare mother and I am considering terming the family over this one incident.

So this 9 year old boy "lost" his PSP charger. Now my rule is, you bring it, you watch it. Not my responsibility. Anyways, he throws a fit saying someone stole it. So I was helping look for it in the playroom when I heard my son yelling and having his own fit.

Turns out DCM took it upon herself to search my sons room

I was so upset and just speachless. I couldn't say anything. Where would I begin. Who does she think she is??? First off this kid looses his games daily. My son finds them in the yard, down the couch wherever and always returns them to the kid. So if he is going to steal it would be a $50 game not a stupid charger to a game system he doesn't even have.

So duh she doesn't find it up there and they leave. Well she calls about 15 minutes later to let me know they found it. It was in the kids bag the whole time, he just didn't look. No appologies or anything. She just wanted to let me know. UGHHHHH.

Now I don't mind a parent seeing the conditions of my home where the child is ALLOWED to be. My bathroom, kitchen whatever. If you have questions by all means come see. But no one has a right to walk up my stairs and invade my families private rooms. This happened Friday and I am still just fuming about it 4 days later.
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jen 06:33 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by gbcc:
I am very upset by this daycare mother and I am considering terming the family over this one incident.

So this 9 year old boy "lost" his PSP charger. Now my rule is, you bring it, you watch it. Not my responsibility. Anyways, he throws a fit saying someone stole it. So I was helping look for it in the playroom when I heard my son yelling and having his own fit.

Turns out DCM took it upon herself to search my sons room

I was so upset and just speachless. I couldn't say anything. Where would I begin. Who does she think she is??? First off this kid looses his games daily. My son finds them in the yard, down the couch wherever and always returns them to the kid. So if he is going to steal it would be a $50 game not a stupid charger to a game system he doesn't even have.

So duh she doesn't find it up there and they leave. Well she calls about 15 minutes later to let me know they found it. It was in the kids bag the whole time, he just didn't look. No appologies or anything. She just wanted to let me know. UGHHHHH.

Now I don't mind a parent seeing the conditions of my home where the child is ALLOWED to be. My bathroom, kitchen whatever. If you have questions by all means come see. But no one has a right to walk up my stairs and invade my families private rooms. This happened Friday and I am still just fuming about it 4 days later.
I would absolutely terminate! No question.
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SilverSabre25 06:35 AM 03-01-2011
I think I would absolutely term. That was a total invasion of privacy--yours AND your son's! That dcm had NO RIGHT to search your son's room...that's as good as accusing him of theft! That she would do that makes me wonder what tales her son tells her that made her "suspect" your son that way.

Totally, absolutely, over the top inappropriate.
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Cat Herder 06:37 AM 03-01-2011
Buh-Bye PITA mom.....


BUT......why do you let them bring toys from home???


Just thought of this... Is her son allowed to play in your son's room at all?
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Blackcat31 06:40 AM 03-01-2011
I would term IMMEDIATELY! Total disreguard for boundaries! I would be livid at the implied accusation!

Your situation is EXACTLY why I do NOT allow toys from home. I do not want the responsibility or the hassle.
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SandeeAR 06:42 AM 03-01-2011
I would have THROWN them out right then!!!!!! She would never set foot in my home again and neither would the child. I don't care if I did need the money!

I agree, why allow toys from home? And how did she get past you and into your sons room anyway?
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gbcc 06:51 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by Catherder:
Buh-Bye PITA mom.....


BUT......why do you let them bring toys from home???


Just thought of this... Is her son allowed to play in your son's room at all?
No he is not allowed in my sons room. If my son would like to share something he can bring it down but it's his problem if it breaks.

I allow toys from home but I make it very clear that it is each child's responsibility. If the toy is lost or broken it's not my responsibility. I tell parents I need more money to babysit toys.

Is it too late to term seeing as this happened 4 days ago? I just couldn't address it because I was really mad and I didn't want to be unprofessional. How do I bring it up?
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My4SunshineGirlsNY 06:53 AM 03-01-2011
The audacity of her! Wow, seriously, I would NEVER think of doing such a thing.

Does she disrespect on other things as well? If she made me feel uncomfortable I would consider it...I seem to be a sucker and hold on to families that really should have been gone long ago, but I'm working on my backbone.
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MommyMuffin 06:55 AM 03-01-2011
That would upset me. That is why I do not take school age or toys from home. When they come with toys they get taken away and given back to parent at pick up time.
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Blackcat31 06:57 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by gbcc:
No he is not allowed in my sons room. If my son would like to share something he can bring it down but it's his problem if it breaks.

I allow toys from home but I make it very clear that it is each child's responsibility. If the toy is lost or broken it's not my responsibility. I tell parents I need more money to babysit toys.

Is it too late to term seeing as this happened 4 days ago? I just couldn't address it because I was really mad and I didn't want to be unprofessional. How do I bring it up?
I would term and just tell mom you waited because you were so angry you did not want to do anything out of anger but after calming down and rationally thinking over the situation, you are still mad and you just cannot continue providing care to someone who has no respect for you or your (and families) privacy. IT IS NOT TOO LATE.
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gbcc 06:59 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by SandeeAR:
And how did she get past you and into your sons room anyway?
I was in the playroom so I didn't see her walk by me to the stairs. I have a gate up so I knew no children could get by so I wasn't really paying attention to the doorway. I thought she was just waiting for me in the coat room. My living room is off my coat room and then the playroom is off to the side of the living room and coat room. So usually parents just wait in the coat room or come to the gate to get the children.
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Cat Herder 07:02 AM 03-01-2011
It is never too late.

Especially if she knew those bedrooms were off limits.

IMHO, it was an accusation, an intrusion, blatant disrespect and you have every right to kick her to the curb.

I bet she never considered how scary that was for your son...

I can't imagine how that felt as a child having his "safety area" violated with a physical intrusion AND accusation by an adult acquaintance like that.

I'd have my own Mom by the throat for that one...YKWIM? (and before any of you read too far into that, she raised me that way Team Mama Bear!!)

OMG...I just saw she stepped over a gate to do it.... I would have lost it.

What would she have done if you allowed your husband to corner her son alone in a room???
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JenNJ 07:02 AM 03-01-2011
Wow - just wow. I would have a letter at pickup today. Its never too late. She implicated your son was a thief and disregarded your family's privacy
I would not want her in my home again.
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gbcc 07:03 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by My4SunshineGirlsNY:
Does she disrespect on other things as well?
She has never disrespected me ever. That is what is so surprising. She always pays and is polite. This was like a different person.
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cillybean83 07:04 AM 03-01-2011
next time she comes, tell her to go back home with her kid, she's no longer welcome...and if she doesn't like it. TOUGH
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ninosqueridos 07:18 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by gbcc:
She has never disrespected me ever. That is what is so surprising. She always pays and is polite. This was like a different person.
Based on this and imagining if it were one of my awesome dcps who I think would never do something like this, I would have a sit down about no toys in my house EVER (or have her DS KEEP HIS STUFF IN HIS BACKPACK)....and no stepping into your personal space EVER. In seems a bit harsh to just term like that IMHO.

It's eating you up inside, so at a minimum they deserve a warning. If you are not willing to move on from this incident after discussing it with them privately, then yes, I would just term and get it over with.
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Symphony 07:21 AM 03-01-2011
I would be LIVID and handing her a letter at pickup tonight. That is beyond disrespectful to your entire family.
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My4SunshineGirlsNY 07:25 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by gbcc:
She has never disrespected me ever. That is what is so surprising. She always pays and is polite. This was like a different person.
Maybe she is just oblivious to how disrespectful it was? If this was an isolated incidence, then maybe just watch more closely and definitely enforce a no toys from home rule.
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marniewon 07:30 AM 03-01-2011
Agree with all PP's. Terminate immediately. That's beyond disrespectful. And, my thought is, if she stepped so far out of bounds on this one, it was probably just a matter of time before she showed her disrespect for you in other ways.

It would be different if your son's room was off the entry or play room and she just peeked in there (if the door was open) but to go all the way upstairs? Nope, gone. Now.
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MyAngels 07:35 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by gbcc:
She has never disrespected me ever. That is what is so surprising. She always pays and is polite. This was like a different person.
Based on this I think I would sit down and discuss this incident with her. It is entirely possible that she was not aware that she was overstepping her boundaries and that it would upset you so much.

I would change my policies (at least for this family) as far as bringing toys from home (no more allowed) and I would make it clear to them that it was because of this incident and the upset that it caused you. I would make sure it was absolutely clear to her which areas of your home she is allowed to be in. I would put it all in writing. If she does not take it well, then I would terminate care.
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missnikki 07:36 AM 03-01-2011
I would be professional about it, and ask to have a time to meet with her before any care is provided.

Sit with her, ask her why she would find it necessary to enter your private home's off-limits area. She may have been told that it was up there and thought you were busy or something... I know it's a bad excuse, but sometimes it can help calm the situation to know the motivation behind something so obviously wrong.

I would be peeved on the inside, (realllly peeved), but she deserves the professionalism that she pays for. She did not steal or lie. She just made a very bad judgement call.
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jen 07:39 AM 03-01-2011
So not too late.

I would verbally say something like...

I was very upset that you violated our personal space by going outside of the daycare portion of our home to "check out" my son's room. I felt it was important to take a few days and think the situation over before reacting. However, after thinking about it and discussing it as a family, I've come to the conclusion that I will need to terminate our professional relationship.

Then hand over a basic term letter with whaterver the last day of care it.

I wouldn't even get in to the implication regarding your son, she'll just deny it.
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jen 07:41 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by missnikki:
I would be professional about it, and ask to have a time to meet with her before any care is provided.

Sit with her, ask her why she would find it necessary to enter your private home's off-limits area. She may have been told that it was up there and thought you were busy or something... I know it's a bad excuse, but sometimes it can help calm the situation to know the motivation behind something so obviously wrong.

I would be peeved on the inside, (realllly peeved), but she deserves the professionalism that she pays for. She did not steal or lie. She just made a very bad judgement call.
I have to disagree, that is a huge violation of her personal space and shows no respect for her home and family. I agree that professionism is called for in the form of providing notice per her contract, but family and home should always come first. She didn't steal or lie, but she did completely overstep her boundaries.
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missnikki 07:57 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by jen:
I have to disagree, that is a huge violation of her personal space and shows no respect for her home and family. I agree that professionism is called for in the form of providing notice per her contract, but family and home should always come first. She didn't steal or lie, but she did completely overstep her boundaries.
Well, I considered that position, then I realized that I do not have any idea how comfortable this parent is in the home. I do not know the relationship between parent and provider. I have no clue about the intentions of the mom.

If the OP cannot look past this, she should term. If she is willing to talk it out and reach an agreement, then there you have it.

Just trying to add another possible spin to what seems like overwhelming judgement in this thread.
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littlemissmuffet 08:03 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by ninosqueridos:
Based on this and imagining if it were one of my awesome dcps who I think would never do something like this, I would have a sit down about no toys in my house EVER (or have her DS KEEP HIS STUFF IN HIS BACKPACK)....and no stepping into your personal space EVER. In seems a bit harsh to just term like that IMHO.

It's eating you up inside, so at a minimum they deserve a warning. If you are not willing to move on from this incident after discussing it with them privately, then yes, I would just term and get it over with.
This is exactly how I would try and handle the situation.
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Zoe 08:05 AM 03-01-2011
Even if she is comfortable enough to go into your home (I don't know your relationship with this dcm), she should have at least asked to go into your son's room. I'm a Mama Bear and if I heard my son having a fit and find an adult in his room, I would have lost it. Professionalism be darned! To me, that's a safety issue. How is your son going to feel from now on?!? That adults can just come into his room without asking? No!!! Man, I'm getting worked up just thinking about it!

I personally wouldn't care if it was a bad judgment call. You don't do that. Bye bye.
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jen 08:08 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by Zoe:
Even if she is comfortable enough to go into your home (I don't know your relationship with this dcm), she should have at least asked to go into your son's room. I'm a Mama Bear and if I heard my son having a fit and find an adult in his room, I would have lost it. Professionalism be darned! To me, that's a safety issue. How is your son going to feel from now on?!? That adults can just come into his room without asking? No!!! Man, I'm getting worked up just thinking about it!

I personally wouldn't care if it was a bad judgment call. You don't do that. Bye bye.
I'm with you! Must be a Minnesota Girl thing!
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snowball 08:09 AM 03-01-2011
If a parent accused my kid of stealing they would be gone . NOT OKAY.
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gbcc 08:11 AM 03-01-2011
I can see both sides of this and that is what is making it difficult. After reading some remarks maybe the mom is too comfortable. She is my mothers age and they used to be friendly acquaintances I guess you could say. Also our sons are very good friends so maybe she did not realize how far over the line this was.

Also, my son told me this am that the boy told her that my son had the game in his room. Still I think the appropriate thing would be to ask me to look.

She needs to know how she violated my family. I will discuss this with her and let her know that I think it best for all involved that no personal items are to be brought to daycare. Her son caused a huge problem by accusing someone of theft and it was really due to the fact he didn't look.
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snowball 08:23 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by gbcc:
I can see both sides of this and that is what is making it difficult. After reading some remarks maybe the mom is too comfortable. She is my mothers age and they used to be friendly acquaintances I guess you could say. Also our sons are very good friends so maybe she did not realize how far over the line this was.

Also, my son told me this am that the boy told her that my son had the game in his room. Still I think the appropriate thing would be to ask me to look.

She needs to know how she violated my family. I will discuss this with her and let her know that I think it best for all involved that no personal items are to be brought to daycare. Her son caused a huge problem by accusing someone of theft and it was really due to the fact he didn't look.
I'll be honest here, I don't think you should be excusing this type of behaviour.

It doesn't matter WHY she did it, the fact is she did it. For me, this would be a reason to term. My kids will not be accused of anything in their own home.

Could you imagine her reaction if it was the other way around and your DS accused HER kid of stealing something of his? She would pull immediately.
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gbcc 08:27 AM 03-01-2011
I didn't mean to sound like I was excusing the behavior! I definately don't!! Just trying to think outside the box. I will speak with her and based on her response I will decide if I will term lol. If she really seems clueless and sincere I will in no uncertain terms tell her it is not acceptable, I am banning all toys from home and it will not happen again. If she acts like it's nothing, 2 wks notice right there.
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daycare 08:30 AM 03-01-2011
I would let this mom know how she made my child feel and would be demanding that she give him an apology. Just because he is a child does not give her the right to disregard his feelings, privacy, or to disrespect your child by entering his private living space without permission.

How would she like it if your son went through her bedroom?? I am sure your child would not be invited over again and you would hear about it to no end..

I would term... she crossed over boundraies that even my own sister would not have done without asking permission from me or my child to enter my childs private space....

thats just beyond rude and disrespectful.
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laundrymom 09:49 AM 03-01-2011
Mom needs to apologize to BOTH of you and no more toys from home. I had a boy (SA) come in this morning saying" my mom says my cell is here and you need to find it "

Ummmm no it's not and no I'm not looking. Lol.
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Zoe 10:10 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
Mom needs to apologize to BOTH of you and no more toys from home. I had a boy (SA) come in this morning saying" my mom says my cell is here and you need to find it "

Ummmm no it's not and no I'm not looking. Lol.
Nice! Funny how mom had her son do this for her. I would be saying the same thing as you did!
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laundrymom 10:12 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by Zoe:
Nice! Funny how mom had her son do this for her. I would be saying the same thing as you did!

Yes, I don't allow things from home. I don't care how old they are. I for darned sure am not looking for a phone that I know is not here. Lol.
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WImom 10:29 AM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by ninosqueridos:
Based on this and imagining if it were one of my awesome dcps who I think would never do something like this, I would have a sit down about no toys in my house EVER (or have her DS KEEP HIS STUFF IN HIS BACKPACK)....and no stepping into your personal space EVER. In seems a bit harsh to just term like that IMHO.

It's eating you up inside, so at a minimum they deserve a warning. If you are not willing to move on from this incident after discussing it with them privately, then yes, I would just term and get it over with.
I agree. I would talk to her about it so she knows that what she did should never happen again and that she needs to stay in the coat room. I'd also reconsider toys from home since this child can't seem to keep them together.
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squareone 10:37 AM 03-01-2011
Definitely out of line! Since you have never had any problems with her before, I would have a stern talk with her. Print out the term letter and have it ready. During the meeting, be sure that she fully understands how it made you and your son feel and that this is to never ever happen again - ever. Let her know that there is a new "no personal items from home rule". If she isn't apologetic or the conversation goes in a direction other than you expected, hand her the term letter and bid her farewell.
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Kaddidle Care 01:15 PM 03-01-2011
I applaud the fact that you waited 4 days before doing anything. Sometimes we act on our feelings at the moment and then regret what's been done.

You've had time to cool down and think about it. Now give her a tongue lashing. How dare she barge into your son's room and start looking around.
Off Limits
Invasion of privacy
False accusation

Ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned.

If you keep him, no toys are to be brought in period. Disobeying the rules will result in termination.
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Lucy 02:26 PM 03-01-2011
Originally Posted by gbcc:
I am very upset by this daycare mother and I am considering terming the family over this one incident.

So this 9 year old boy "lost" his PSP charger. Now my rule is, you bring it, you watch it. Not my responsibility. Anyways, he throws a fit saying someone stole it. So I was helping look for it in the playroom when I heard my son yelling and having his own fit.

Turns out DCM took it upon herself to search my sons room

I was so upset and just speachless. I couldn't say anything. Where would I begin. Who does she think she is??? First off this kid looses his games daily. My son finds them in the yard, down the couch wherever and always returns them to the kid. So if he is going to steal it would be a $50 game not a stupid charger to a game system he doesn't even have.

So duh she doesn't find it up there and they leave. Well she calls about 15 minutes later to let me know they found it. It was in the kids bag the whole time, he just didn't look. No appologies or anything. She just wanted to let me know. UGHHHHH.

Now I don't mind a parent seeing the conditions of my home where the child is ALLOWED to be. My bathroom, kitchen whatever. If you have questions by all means come see. But no one has a right to walk up my stairs and invade my families private rooms. This happened Friday and I am still just fuming about it 4 days later.
I would be mad too. My personal space is -- well -- personal !! I didn't even like it one day when a Dad walked into my kitchen, opened the fridge, and placed his son's sippy cup in there! I got a quick phone call while Dad was saying bye to the kid. The kid had put his cup on the table and I heard Dad say "don't leave it there, milk needs to be in the fridge." I was about to pick it up (while on the phone) when Dad walks into the kitchen. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. Granted, it's not that big of a deal, but for some reason it bugged me. Now if someone went into a BEDROOM, that would be 10x worse!! Like you, I wouldn't even know what to say.
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gbcc 05:07 PM 03-01-2011
Thanks again for all the advice and support!

I ended up speaking with the mother today. She looked very embarassed as if it never occured to her that I would be upset and kept appologizing over and over. I honestly believe she did not understand the issues of boundries here. I made it very clear that my son and I NEED our private spaces to remain private and OURS. I explained no children are allowed in the rooms and I don't expect parents to travel either. I then told her that her son would not be able to bring items from home. I explained that this all blew up essentially because her son did not keep track of his belongings and that in turn put everyone else in an uncomfortable predicument. She said she understood and that was probably a good idea. She asked if on occation he may be able to bring it. I said at the moment no and if I had to babysit toys I would need additional payment and a signed contract lol She looked confused as if trying to figure out if I was joking or not!
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countrymom 05:29 PM 03-01-2011
glad it worked out. I think it was just a misunderstanding. This is why I don't watch sa kids, one of them stole my ipod charger.
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melskids 02:24 AM 03-02-2011
i'm jumping in late, but i wanted to add.....

i had a parent who didnt understand boundaries either. i put up baby gates to the places i didnt want her, and so far so good.

should she ever step over a gate, all H-E-double hockey sticks will break loose
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nannyde 02:36 AM 03-02-2011
Originally Posted by gbcc:
Thanks again for all the advice and support!

I ended up speaking with the mother today. She looked very embarassed as if it never occured to her that I would be upset and kept appologizing over and over. I honestly believe she did not understand the issues of boundries here. I made it very clear that my son and I NEED our private spaces to remain private and OURS. I explained no children are allowed in the rooms and I don't expect parents to travel either. I then told her that her son would not be able to bring items from home. I explained that this all blew up essentially because her son did not keep track of his belongings and that in turn put everyone else in an uncomfortable predicument. She said she understood and that was probably a good idea. She asked if on occation he may be able to bring it. I said at the moment no and if I had to babysit toys I would need additional payment and a signed contract lol She looked confused as if trying to figure out if I was joking or not!
I think you did the right thing.

Sadly, these social skills have to be taught to adults in this day and age.

DO NOT allow toys. She's asking for now and then because she wants an escape clause should little Johnny say NO to your NO toys in the house. She knows that days coming real soon.

If it's up for grabs on any given day that he MIGHT be able to bring his stuff then it will be an issue every day. Giving ONE NO now and sticking with it will end the day to day conflict.

The babysit the toy fee is excellent and I would make it stiff. Do a ten dollar a day supervision fee paid in advance. for the toy and that does not include if the toy is broken. Just that the toy is not lost. Then have him sit in ONE location and stay there to play the toy. He has to return it to you if he gets up.

She wants him to have the toy but she won't want a ten dollar fee. Just give that to her if SHE doesn't take the NO.
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