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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Not Sure if I Can Continue (Long)
MarcieM 01:57 PM 02-16-2010
I am feeling at the end of my rope with doing daycare. I have 3 kids of my own 2,5,7 and 3 kids in dc all siblings 4,6,8. I have been looking after then for 4 months.

The dc kids live with their aunt and uncle - the parents were (are) drug addicts.
They took custody when youngest was 1 1/2 y/o. The older 2 witnessed drug use, and were neglected- they were removed from their parents home by police and remember it. I am pretty sure the mother continued to use drugs throughout all the pregnancies. The Aunt and Uncle are amazing- they took on all 3 of these kids, and now are the legal guardians they have no kids of their own.

These kids definitely have problems. The oldest is in school all day and the middle one is in kindergarten, 1/2 day and the youngest is with me all day.

The youngest has NO impulse control. He is constantly touching, punching, pushing, squeezing anything he gets his hand on. One day while taking a walk he randomly ran up to a guy who was sitting up on the rail of a bridge and tried to push him off. If a kid walks by him he will punch them or pull their hair or touch them. He doesn't seem angry, in fact he is quite happy, but his hands are just always getting trouble. He is also not potty trained and pees his pants about once a week and poos in his pants every day.
He has:
choked the cat
choked my youngest
colored on my office chair, walls and other toys
colored all over his face and body (that was today)
stood on a bookshelf until it ripped right off the wall
thrown a small rock at the tv



The middle one is just sneaky and mean. Always up to something and always trying to get the younger one in trouble. She is also very possessive of my son and does not want anyone else to play with him. She follows him around right on his heels everywhere. If my DS and the younger one are playing cars or trains she will do everything she can think of to break it up, but she will not play anything. I have suggested barbies, babies, school, puppet show, blocks coloring, lego, books, puzzles etc but she does not want to do anything. If I set up a game or craft or exercise for them she will do it for about 2 minutes then get up and start wandering around. She spends 1/2 the day just wandering around looking lost.
She has:
Constantly lied and blamed other kids
poured water on the cat
pulled a chair out from my youngest
Thrown chairs

My kids are pretty well behaved and very social with lots of friends. They hate the dc kids coming.

IS this too much or is it just what happens when you do dc.
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Crystal 02:14 PM 02-16-2010
Well, this is not typical, but neither is the situation that these children have had to deal with. I wouldn't give up on daycare just yet. First, I'd be having a very serious discussion with the aunt/uncle. Because you know what has happened, it is within your rights to ask them if the children are in counseling. If they are not, they need to be. Their whole world has slid out from under them, and even though it was a bad situation at home with the parents, to the kids, that was a normal life and they probably feel abandoned, at best.

Aunt and uncle had no kids of their own, so this is all new to them too. Offer them guidance and support. Locate resources for them that can help them deal with the challenging behaviors, and make sure they understand that even though the children are fragile right now, they still need clear, consistent discipline.

It's up to you if you can continue to do this job. Perhaps a bit longer with these three to see if things improve. If they don't, then pehaps terminate and try with a new family or two to see if you still feel the same way about the career.
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Unregistered 02:20 PM 02-16-2010
It is the children They have been through alot and it is going to be hard for them to adjust. I have a niece and nephew who have been through alot like they have. if it is to much like it sounds just let them know that you are putting in your two weeks I would not shut down my daycare just because I had a rough group of kids. If you true love having a house full I would find another family to care for. I would also for sure let the aunt and uncle know what you have been dealing with from the kids they need to know so they can get the kids help. Good luck and count to 10 or 20.
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emosks 02:49 PM 02-16-2010
Totally agree with Crystal! This is not the norm for daycare and these kids have been through so much in such a short period of time! They lost their parents (even though they are losers) and have to adjust to a new life as well as daycare, etc.

See if there is help out there for them but also let the Aunt/Uncle know that this behavior can not continue under your care. You have children who need a safe environment as well.

:::HUGS:::
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Persephone 03:30 PM 02-16-2010
I agree that I hope these children are in counseling. Sounds like they really need it, not only for the way they are acting out but because of their past life.

Don't give up on them if you can hold out. They really don't need another person in their life leaving them.
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MarcieM 04:49 PM 02-16-2010
Thanks for all the replies. When I agreed to take the kids I knew it was going to be hard. My oldest and the oldest dc were in daycare together and in kindergarten and grade one together. She had problems in class and in daycare.

I studied psychology in University, and I've read every parenting book out there, but nothing has prepared me for this. When they started I thought I could make a difference in their lives. I am really worn out. I am planning a talk with the aunt soon.
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Persephone 05:17 PM 02-16-2010
Originally Posted by MarcieM:
Thanks for all the replies. When I agreed to take the kids I knew it was going to be hard. My oldest and the oldest dc were in daycare together and in kindergarten and grade one together. She had problems in class and in daycare.

I studied psychology in University, and I've read every parenting book out there, but nothing has prepared me for this. When they started I thought I could make a difference in their lives. I am really worn out. I am planning a talk with the aunt soon.
This might be something to bring up to the aunt, but some foods and food dyes make children hyper.
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Former Teacher 06:32 PM 02-16-2010
Originally Posted by Persephone:
This might be something to bring up to the aunt, but some foods and food dyes make children hyper.
I know speaking from experiance that I am allergic to red dye. If I drink something with it, I get bladder infections. If I use a soap with it I break out into these massive hives and it is the WORST feeling. I talked to my doctor and the nurse told me that she too have heard of people being allergic to the red dye and to other crazy things.

On the flip side, I once had a boy who was very smart and intelligent etc. Well then he started to get out of control. Throwing blocks, wouldn't do his work, kicking, you name it he did it. This child was 5 so of course he knew better.

Anyway mom and I were at our wits end because this literally happened overnight. Finally came a day to where after a few days he was great again. Was the great boy he was at first. After a day or 2 he started up again. We couldn't figure out what it is.

Sure enough, mom pinpointed it. It was his inhaler for allergies in the air that he took every morning. That day that he was back to normal she forgot to give it him. She soon stopped giving him the inhaler and the voila! we had the same boy back again
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momma2girls 06:55 PM 02-16-2010
Originally Posted by Former Teacher:
I know speaking from experiance that I am allergic to red dye. If I drink something with it, I get bladder infections. If I use a soap with it I break out into these massive hives and it is the WORST feeling. I talked to my doctor and the nurse told me that she too have heard of people being allergic to the red dye and to other crazy things.

On the flip side, I once had a boy who was very smart and intelligent etc. Well then he started to get out of control. Throwing blocks, wouldn't do his work, kicking, you name it he did it. This child was 5 so of course he knew better.

Anyway mom and I were at our wits end because this literally happened overnight. Finally came a day to where after a few days he was great again. Was the great boy he was at first. After a day or 2 he started up again. We couldn't figure out what it is.

Sure enough, mom pinpointed it. It was his inhaler for allergies in the air that he took every morning. That day that he was back to normal she forgot to give it him. She soon stopped giving him the inhaler and the voila! we had the same boy back again
WOW!!! I have diagnosed different weird things like this as well!!!!
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Persephone 07:43 PM 02-16-2010
Originally Posted by Former Teacher:
I know speaking from experiance that I am allergic to red dye. If I drink something with it, I get bladder infections. If I use a soap with it I break out into these massive hives and it is the WORST feeling. I talked to my doctor and the nurse told me that she too have heard of people being allergic to the red dye and to other crazy things.

On the flip side, I once had a boy who was very smart and intelligent etc. Well then he started to get out of control. Throwing blocks, wouldn't do his work, kicking, you name it he did it. This child was 5 so of course he knew better.

Anyway mom and I were at our wits end because this literally happened overnight. Finally came a day to where after a few days he was great again. Was the great boy he was at first. After a day or 2 he started up again. We couldn't figure out what it is.

Sure enough, mom pinpointed it. It was his inhaler for allergies in the air that he took every morning. That day that he was back to normal she forgot to give it him. She soon stopped giving him the inhaler and the voila! we had the same boy back again
Most inhalers are steroids.
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Childminder 06:20 AM 02-17-2010
You sound like you are at your wits end. I have had problem children before and have had to sit with the parents and tell them that I will give them 1 month to seek counseling for the entire family and if they will do that then I'm willing to give it one month at a time to see if there is improvement. After you feel that you have given them all of the chances you can then tell them it's not working out and terminate. It's hard to terminate sometimes especially because you need the money. Other children will fill the space, they always do.

In all of the years of doing childcare (43) I have had 3 families that just haven't worked out. Some of the children have been so mean and destructive that it can cause problems with your health and family. You are not responsible for the problems of these children and they need professional help. Other parents will not want to have their children around them,or you if this is affecting your disposition. I know this because I have almost lost good families trying to HELP the troubled one.

My life has turned 180 getting away from the stress of a dysfunctional kid.
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Unregistered 07:19 AM 02-17-2010
Childminder is right.

It's not your job to "fix" these children and you CAN NOT "fix" them. You do not have, nor are you supposed to have, some sort of super power saintly ability to be what these children need.
They've not had it easy, and don't have it easy now, but they need help from professionals that deal with their issues on a daily basis.
Do your children need to be a part of the process? Do you?
I know you want to help, but there is no reward you will receive, internally or externally, that will make up for the stress they are putting yourself and your family through.
Put your children's well being first and it will be an easy choice to either demand heavy duty counseling and therapy for the children if they are to remain in your care or let the guardians know that group care with more adults involved would be a better fit for them.
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originalkat 07:28 AM 02-17-2010
Just remember that your family comes first. It would be wonderful if you can make a difference in these kids lives, but not at the expense of your own families safety and well being.
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Unregistered 09:01 AM 02-17-2010
Speaking from experiance you need to let the family go and listen to your children, They will come to resent YOU for making them deal with these difficult kids and it is your job to provide safe care to other children not to counsel them or help them beyond normal care. I'd sit and tell the gaurdians that they are just not safe behavioral wise to have around your children or anyother children you might care for..And as a parent and not just a provider the first time ANY child for ANY reason regardless of what they have or havent been diagnosed with or what they have or havent dealt with in their short life EVER laid a hand on one of my children they would have been terminated IMMIDIATLEY! After the dcb choked your son i would have had them packed standing by the door and said not to come back! If your dreading the days they are coming to care how do you think your children feel?
kiddiecare
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mac60 09:04 AM 02-17-2010
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Childminder is right.

It's not your job to "fix" these children and you CAN NOT "fix" them. You do not have, nor are you supposed to have, some sort of super power saintly ability to be what these children need.
They've not had it easy, and don't have it easy now, but they need help from professionals that deal with their issues on a daily basis.
Do your children need to be a part of the process? Do you?
I know you want to help, but there is no reward you will receive, internally or externally, that will make up for the stress they are putting yourself and your family through.
Put your children's well being first and it will be an easy choice to either demand heavy duty counseling and therapy for the children if they are to remain in your care or let the guardians know that group care with more adults involved would be a better fit for them.
Very well said.
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Tags:allergies, dyes, hyper, steroids, violence in child care
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