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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>How To Detach?
Ariana 07:33 AM 01-11-2017
I have been a caregiver in my home for 7 years and I am starting to realize that I desperately need to detach from the kids in my care. I am not sure if it is possible but it would greatly reduce my stress.
For example if I suspect a developmental delay that needs to be addressed and I bring it up to parents and nothing gets done, how do I keep doing my job effectively? How do I let go of the worry or the feelings of hopelessness about the situation and ignore the problem like the parents are doing? I hate that I am more stressed than the parents are. I hate that sometimes I spend my free time researching symptoms etc. I really just want to let it go and not care. Let go of the pressure I feel to be the childs advocate.
I think I have asked this question before but I am terrible at it and need more advice!
For example if I suspect a developmental delay that needs to be addressed and I bring it up to parents and nothing gets done, how do I keep doing my job effectively? How do I let go of the worry or the feelings of hopelessness about the situation and ignore the problem like the parents are doing? I hate that I am more stressed than the parents are. I hate that sometimes I spend my free time researching symptoms etc. I really just want to let it go and not care. Let go of the pressure I feel to be the childs advocate.
I think I have asked this question before but I am terrible at it and need more advice!
Blackcat31 10:02 AM 01-11-2017
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I have been a caregiver in my home for 7 years and I am starting to realize that I desperately need to detach from the kids in my care. I am not sure if it is possible but it would greatly reduce my stress.
For example if I suspect a developmental delay that needs to be addressed and I bring it up to parents and nothing gets done, how do I keep doing my job effectively? How do I let go of the worry or the feelings of hopelessness about the situation and ignore the problem like the parents are doing? I hate that I am more stressed than the parents are. I hate that sometimes I spend my free time researching symptoms etc. I really just want to let it go and not care. Let go of the pressure I feel to be the childs advocate.
I think I have asked this question before but I am terrible at it and need more advice!
This is me. I have been a caregiver in my home for 7 years and I am starting to realize that I desperately need to detach from the kids in my care. I am not sure if it is possible but it would greatly reduce my stress.
For example if I suspect a developmental delay that needs to be addressed and I bring it up to parents and nothing gets done, how do I keep doing my job effectively? How do I let go of the worry or the feelings of hopelessness about the situation and ignore the problem like the parents are doing? I hate that I am more stressed than the parents are. I hate that sometimes I spend my free time researching symptoms etc. I really just want to let it go and not care. Let go of the pressure I feel to be the childs advocate.
I think I have asked this question before but I am terrible at it and need more advice!
I love them while they are here but they aren't my kids.
I am not attached to them and I don't "mourn" them when they leave or age out.
I have a very clear divide in regards to what things/issues I will stress/focus on and what I won't. The black and white thought process is what keeps me in business, keeps me from having common issues other providers have.
I can give you advice or suggestions on what I would do in certain situations but I don't know if that is what you are looking for or not.
I don't know how to explain my approach without sounding cold and uncaring. I am neither but I am both.
Ariana 05:51 PM 01-11-2017
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I can give you advice or suggestions on what I would do in certain situations but I don't know if that is what you are looking for or not.
I would love your input! Do you mind if I PM you?I can give you advice or suggestions on what I would do in certain situations but I don't know if that is what you are looking for or not.
Blackcat31 06:58 PM 01-11-2017
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I would love your input! Do you mind if I PM you?
Feel free! I'm in the car on the road (I'm a passenger.....I'm not driving...lol! I would love your input! Do you mind if I PM you?
) but can't type lots on my phone (too old for tiny screens 
) so I will reply first thing in the morning! 
Ariana 07:06 PM 01-11-2017
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Feel free! I'm in the car on the road (I'm a passenger.....I'm not driving...lol!) but can't type lots on my phone (too old for tiny screens ) so I will reply first thing in the morning!
Thank you! I already sent the PM Feel free! I'm in the car on the road (I'm a passenger.....I'm not driving...lol!
) but can't type lots on my phone (too old for tiny screens ) so I will reply first thing in the morning! Take your time, great minds need time
.
daycarediva 10:03 AM 01-11-2017
I bring up my concerns. I provide summaries of what I see in group care. I supply developmental evaluations that share similar conclusions. Then I leave it to the parent. If it upsets my day/care of the other children, then I address each behavior as an individual, not another set of symptoms to push on the parent. Jr's difficulty with transitions might be related to a developmental disability but that's not how it's going down on my behavioral intervention to parents. His hitting? Same. His lack of language skills? Same.
IMHO- most are in complete denial. It's a hard thing to hear, it's harder to have it on paper and be real. Until they do the eval, until they hear it from a professional, it will always be less real.
I don't work after work anymore. You shouldn't either. It's conditioning. You go to look up symptoms on a Saturday morning. STOP YOURSELF and say "This is work. I am not at work right now."
I love my kids. They aren't MY KIDS. Once I set that frame work into my mind, I do just MY job, not the parents. MY job is to provide the best possible care while they are with me. Worrying after hours? That's a parent job.
IMHO- most are in complete denial. It's a hard thing to hear, it's harder to have it on paper and be real. Until they do the eval, until they hear it from a professional, it will always be less real.
I don't work after work anymore. You shouldn't either. It's conditioning. You go to look up symptoms on a Saturday morning. STOP YOURSELF and say "This is work. I am not at work right now."
I love my kids. They aren't MY KIDS. Once I set that frame work into my mind, I do just MY job, not the parents. MY job is to provide the best possible care while they are with me. Worrying after hours? That's a parent job.
Snowmom 10:48 AM 01-11-2017
It takes time.
Keep telling yourself that you've done your job.
You can't do their job too.
Keep telling yourself that you've done your job.
You can't do their job too.
Max 11:39 AM 01-11-2017
I don't know exactly how to detach but as someone becoming a foster parent and DCP, I look at it this way:
If not you, then someone else. And someone else may not do as great of a job. At least with you, you're giving that child the best care possible and should be proud of that.
I guess my post isn't necessarily answering your question but more less saying it's ok to be attached. It's a matter of how to handle the stress of the powerlessness that comes with it... Maybe reminding yourself that you've done everything you can will reduce some of the stress? Take another step or two so you feel fulfilled/complete in the extra duties you perceive that you have?
I think being able to become attached to children is what makes a provider extra special. Unfortunately, it comes at the price of weighing on the provider mentally and emotionally at times
I guess I view it as a sacrifice that some people make, not always by choice, but because that's their personality.
This reminds me of when people say they couldn't do foster care b/c they would 'get too attached.' It's considered an insult to many foster parents b/c it implies a foster parent doesn't get attached when in reality, a lot of them do get attached and could never imagine not getting attached to the little people in their lives.
ETA: I think it's great that you care so much for the kids in your care!!! But at times, we need to take a step back to care for ourselves and put ourselves first. Some people wear themselves too thin trying to always help and care for others. If you think that's the case, don't be afraid to do whatever you need to so you can be at your best going forward!
If not you, then someone else. And someone else may not do as great of a job. At least with you, you're giving that child the best care possible and should be proud of that.
I guess my post isn't necessarily answering your question but more less saying it's ok to be attached. It's a matter of how to handle the stress of the powerlessness that comes with it... Maybe reminding yourself that you've done everything you can will reduce some of the stress? Take another step or two so you feel fulfilled/complete in the extra duties you perceive that you have?
I think being able to become attached to children is what makes a provider extra special. Unfortunately, it comes at the price of weighing on the provider mentally and emotionally at times
I guess I view it as a sacrifice that some people make, not always by choice, but because that's their personality. This reminds me of when people say they couldn't do foster care b/c they would 'get too attached.' It's considered an insult to many foster parents b/c it implies a foster parent doesn't get attached when in reality, a lot of them do get attached and could never imagine not getting attached to the little people in their lives.
ETA: I think it's great that you care so much for the kids in your care!!! But at times, we need to take a step back to care for ourselves and put ourselves first. Some people wear themselves too thin trying to always help and care for others. If you think that's the case, don't be afraid to do whatever you need to so you can be at your best going forward!
laundrymom 11:49 AM 01-11-2017
I'm guilty of saying that, not because I don't think others don't get attached, just that I'll not be able to move past the heartache. I will stop saying it though. Thank you for opening my eyes to my mistake.
Originally Posted by Max:
I don't know exactly how to detach but as someone becoming a foster parent and DCP, I look at it this way:
If not you, then someone else. And someone else may not do as great of a job. At least with you, you're giving that child the best care possible and should be proud of that.
I guess my post isn't necessarily answering your question but more less saying it's ok to be attached. It's a matter of how to handle the stress of the powerlessness that comes with it... Maybe reminding yourself that you've done everything you can will reduce some of the stress? Take another step or two so you feel fulfilled/complete in the extra duties you perceive that you have?
I think being able to become attached to children is what makes a provider extra special. Unfortunately, it comes at the price of weighing on the provider mentally and emotionally at times I guess I view it as a sacrifice that some people make, not always by choice, but because that's their personality.
This reminds me of when people say they couldn't do foster care b/c they would 'get too attached.' It's considered an insult to many foster parents b/c it implies a foster parent doesn't get attached when in reality, a lot of them do get attached and could never imagine not getting attached to the little people in their lives.
ETA: I think it's great that you care so much for the kids in your care!!! But at times, we need to take a step back to care for ourselves and put ourselves first. Some people wear themselves too thin trying to always help and care for others. If you think that's the case, don't be afraid to do whatever you need to so you can be at your best going forward!
I don't know exactly how to detach but as someone becoming a foster parent and DCP, I look at it this way:
If not you, then someone else. And someone else may not do as great of a job. At least with you, you're giving that child the best care possible and should be proud of that.
I guess my post isn't necessarily answering your question but more less saying it's ok to be attached. It's a matter of how to handle the stress of the powerlessness that comes with it... Maybe reminding yourself that you've done everything you can will reduce some of the stress? Take another step or two so you feel fulfilled/complete in the extra duties you perceive that you have?
I think being able to become attached to children is what makes a provider extra special. Unfortunately, it comes at the price of weighing on the provider mentally and emotionally at times
I guess I view it as a sacrifice that some people make, not always by choice, but because that's their personality. This reminds me of when people say they couldn't do foster care b/c they would 'get too attached.' It's considered an insult to many foster parents b/c it implies a foster parent doesn't get attached when in reality, a lot of them do get attached and could never imagine not getting attached to the little people in their lives.
ETA: I think it's great that you care so much for the kids in your care!!! But at times, we need to take a step back to care for ourselves and put ourselves first. Some people wear themselves too thin trying to always help and care for others. If you think that's the case, don't be afraid to do whatever you need to so you can be at your best going forward!
Ariana 12:35 PM 01-11-2017
Thank you all so much for weighing in! I have gotten some great tips so far. I think dealing with the childs behavior and not as a symptom of sleep deprivation and trying to change that is a good approach for sure. I did this on Monday and it helped. Usually I would let the child sleep for 5 hours to help the child but that is no longer working for my program and it just makes me angry at the parent for bringing their chikd to me like that.
I know logically how to detach and I really do try. I catch myself all the time and try to redirect but inevitably it always rears up and takes over. I think I need better coping skills than just mind over matter. I just downloaded a book because I really need help! Haha! I think there is a big problem when I care more about a child than I do about my own mental health. I know that I am getting these kids over and over for a reason and I think its because I need to learn to detach. When I worked in a centre I didn't see so many children with special needs that weren't already assessed and in some sort of treatment or program so this is all new to me.
Thank you all so much and feel free to keep commenting, every little bit will help
I know logically how to detach and I really do try. I catch myself all the time and try to redirect but inevitably it always rears up and takes over. I think I need better coping skills than just mind over matter. I just downloaded a book because I really need help! Haha! I think there is a big problem when I care more about a child than I do about my own mental health. I know that I am getting these kids over and over for a reason and I think its because I need to learn to detach. When I worked in a centre I didn't see so many children with special needs that weren't already assessed and in some sort of treatment or program so this is all new to me.
Thank you all so much and feel free to keep commenting, every little bit will help
Blackcat31 12:45 PM 01-11-2017
Originally Posted by Max:
I think being able to become attached to children is what makes a provider extra special. Unfortunately, it comes at the price of weighing on the provider mentally and emotionally at times I guess I view it as a sacrifice that some people make, not always by choice, but because that's their personality.
I guess I am not what you'd consider an extra special provider then. I think being able to become attached to children is what makes a provider extra special. Unfortunately, it comes at the price of weighing on the provider mentally and emotionally at times
I guess I view it as a sacrifice that some people make, not always by choice, but because that's their personality. As a child that grew up with foster kids in my home, my experiences are different for sure.
This is a perfect example of how someone can't be everything to everyone but can be everything to someone those that wants/needs what you have to offer.
Max 01:09 PM 01-11-2017
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
I'm guilty of saying that, not because I don't think others don't get attached, just that I'll not be able to move past the heartache. I will stop saying it though. Thank you for opening my eyes to my mistake.
I personally don't get offended by it but I've heard other foster parents say it bugs them. No worries! I think a lot of people say it for the same reason you do, moving past the heartache.I'm guilty of saying that, not because I don't think others don't get attached, just that I'll not be able to move past the heartache. I will stop saying it though. Thank you for opening my eyes to my mistake.
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I guess I am not what you'd consider an extra special provider then.
I didn't mean to imply that providers who can detach aren't special at all I guess I am not what you'd consider an extra special provider then.
Just that becoming attached can be a good thing. One of several qualities that sets a great provider apart from others. I hope that makes sense!
renodeb 10:24 PM 01-18-2017
I think a lot of this is the nature of the job. We care and we care a lot. (to much sometimes)
I think we learn to separate our selves through experience. I have been doing dc for nearly 11 years and I think I still try to much. Luckily I can "turn it off " during my off time.
There have been plenty of times that advice/ opinions fell on deaf ears.
When kids leave my care its hard, I connect differently with each kid. Some are harder to let go of than others.
Don't be to hard on yourself. Just try and give yourself a break!
Deb
I think we learn to separate our selves through experience. I have been doing dc for nearly 11 years and I think I still try to much. Luckily I can "turn it off " during my off time.
There have been plenty of times that advice/ opinions fell on deaf ears.
When kids leave my care its hard, I connect differently with each kid. Some are harder to let go of than others.
Don't be to hard on yourself. Just try and give yourself a break!
Deb
Pestle 06:33 AM 01-19-2017
Speaking as the parent of a child who's been in family day care, I don't think it's a great thing for a provider to get extremely attached. Obviously, a burned-out provider who's phoning it in is worse, and we've been there. Seeing one of my daughter's providers do it the right way and one do it the wrong way sent me into this profession. I want the provider to be outstanding at the job: attentive, well-trained, and compassionate. But too much emotional involvement would make me feel uncomfortable, I think. As a parent, I'd feel like the provider's objectivity was compromised.
Ariana 07:00 AM 01-20-2017
Pestle I don't think I am attached to the child as much as to the outcome for that child if that makes sense. I had a chid in my care who had ASD but the mom was in denial. He was developmentally so behind and I desperately wanted her to take him for an evaluation. This went on for months until I finally decided to term. I just couldn't watch him suffering anymore. My current DCG needs to see an SLP but so far the parents are resisting. It just happens time and time again....another child I had to term turned out to be deaf and the parents were in deep denial about something being wrong. It just makes me angry for the kids. That is why I need to let go.
This isn't about caring too much for kids and not wanting them to go to kinder. To be honest I am quite detached in that way. It is the duty I feel to get kids the help they need when there are delays thats cause me so much stress. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in their lives advocating for them and that feels like a lot of pressure.
I have made some changes and my daughter is heading off to preschool. I think that will help my stress and my ability to ignore the developmental delays more since I won't be relying on these kids to be my childs playmates.
This isn't about caring too much for kids and not wanting them to go to kinder. To be honest I am quite detached in that way. It is the duty I feel to get kids the help they need when there are delays thats cause me so much stress. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in their lives advocating for them and that feels like a lot of pressure.
I have made some changes and my daughter is heading off to preschool. I think that will help my stress and my ability to ignore the developmental delays more since I won't be relying on these kids to be my childs playmates.
NeedaVaca 08:02 AM 01-20-2017
I think that although every situation is different, at times terming the families can be in the child best interest because the next person they go to will raise the same concerns and maybe after the parents hear from enough people they will finally get the help the child needs.