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newtodaycare22 10:06 AM 05-03-2011
Has anyone written a letter for custody recommendation, on behalf of a daycare kid? I had a parent ask me for this today. I have no problem doing it and she said the judge wants to know that she comes in happy, clean, etc...and that I see a difference when dad picks her up (which is completely true). Does anyone have any other suggestions of things to include in the letter/things that a judge considers for custody? Thanks!
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daycare 10:08 AM 05-03-2011
Originally Posted by newtodaycare22:
Has anyone written a letter for custody recommendation, on behalf of a daycare kid? I had a parent ask me for this today. I have no problem doing it and she said the judge wants to know that she comes in happy, clean, etc...and that I see a difference when dad picks her up (which is completely true). Does anyone have any other suggestions of things to include in the letter/things that a judge considers for custody? Thanks!
I guess my only question is.......is the dad really that bad of a person> Are you ready to help the dad lose the right to see his child and vice versa?
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Blackcat31 10:09 AM 05-03-2011
I've been asked to do this several times but I refuse to get involved with custody issues...I do NOT want to be subpoenaed later to testify in court and have to close or hire a substitute or have other parents tell prospective clients that I take sides in custody issues. It is only my job to care for the children and report anything regarded as neglect or abuse. This is one area I will not venture into. Too much of a liability or risk involved.
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newtodaycare22 10:13 AM 05-03-2011
Ok, well the situation is slightly different than it's coming across. I don't see both parents equally.


Mom signed the contract with me. She's always had full custody and dad sees her occasionally. In 6 months, he's brought her to me 3 times and she very clearly is uneasy (very possibly because she simply doesn't know him!)

I do not want to say anything negative about the father-that's not my place. I just wanted to give a positive picture of the mother-because this I know for a fact is true. Does that make sense?
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Zoe 10:22 AM 05-03-2011
Originally Posted by newtodaycare22:
Ok, well the situation is slightly different than it's coming across. I don't see both parents equally.


Mom signed the contract with me. She's always had full custody and dad sees her occasionally. In 6 months, he's brought her to me 3 times and she very clearly is uneasy (very possibly because she simply doesn't know him!)

I do not want to say anything negative about the father-that's not my place. I just wanted to give a positive picture of the mother-because this I know for a fact is true. Does that make sense?
If this is the case, then I would simply state facts and no opinions, simply because they'd come back to bite you. Is the dcg clean and happy when she arrives with mom? Is she the same way when dad drops her off? Exactly what you said before. I would think that that's sufficient. It protects you that way.
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daycare 10:22 AM 05-03-2011
I agree with PP I would not get involved with it..

I have a stoy for you.... An old neighbor of mine was trying to help her ex daughter in law get custody of 3 grand children. The neighbors son (age 27) was not fit to be a parent and had no business being around his children... So his own mother helps the ex daughter in law get custody of the kids..

2 days later the mom, my neighbor is found dead...


Not saying that this will happen to you, but why put yourself in a situation at all? How do you know that the DCD is not crazy and may try to harm you when he finds out that you went aganist him?
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jojosmommy 10:48 AM 05-03-2011
I have written two letters in the past but both have focused on the particular needs of a special needs child I have in care. One parent said it was too much for the other parent to take care of this child and the other kids and thought they should be separated. I just wrote what I observe at daycare in terms of behaviors, play skills, ability to toilet on own- eat on own etc. I hope it doesnt come back to bite me in the butt as they are still trying to get custody worked out.

I would focus on what you observe and list it in measureable increments, like 4 of 5 days child comes with clean clothes, clean diapers, appears happy etc. At pick up __% of the time child is happy/excited etc to go home with mom. Avoid making judgements.
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QualiTcare 11:20 AM 05-03-2011
i would either not get involved OR i would write a letter saying positive things about the mom, but i wouldn't mention the dad.

people get crazy when it comes to their kids. letters do get read in courtrooms. is it a situation you care enough about to risk some retaliation?
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jen 11:39 AM 05-03-2011
I've done this. I didn't say anything negative about Dad at all...actually, I said a couple nice things about him in there too.
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Meeko 12:34 PM 05-03-2011
I've done it once.

I had a mom who was so detached from her son. I NEVER saw any affection. Dad was the opposite. The baby was so happy to see his dad. When he got older, all the mom was interested in was partying and her career. Only the dad showed any concern for his son. They got divorced. Then the mom left the state for 6 months and never even called to speak to her son and then out of the blue showed up and wanted custody. I went to court for the dad to let the judge know he was a fantastic father.

They were awarded joint custody for a while. A week at dad's and a week at mom's (poor kid...he was about 3yrs old at the time) But the mom kept calling the dad asking him to take the boy as she had "meetings" or "plans". She eventually admitted that having a kid cramped her style and she gave full custody to dad. The "baby" is 9 now. He hardly ever sees his mom and she lives only 40 miles away. That's her choice. He still comes to my day care before school only as his dad starts work at 6:30AM so he can be home when school gets out. Still a wonderful father and one of my best clients ever. He follows all the rules, pays early a lot of the time and never fails to let us know about changes in a schedule etc. He has become great friends with my husband and they like to go four wheeling together on the weekends.

I would not do this for just anyone. I felt passionately that this father needed his son and that it would be in the best interests of the child. Normally I try and keep my nose out of my clients business. I don't usually become good friends with clients either, although it has happened naturally a few times.

The dad is now engaged to a lovely woman who appears to love DCB a lot. I'm really happy for them!
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wdmmom 12:53 PM 05-03-2011
Tough situation.

I agree with a lot of the other posters on here...

Either write a letter only disclosing things about the child...How she appears in the morning, demeanor, and ability to do age appropriate activities, etc.

OR

Do nothing at all.

There is only 1 parent I would even consider helping with custody. I worked for her for over 2 years and the DCG's dad only wanted to be a dad at his convenience.
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Meyou 01:17 PM 05-03-2011
I've given testimony once and in the same situation I would do it again in a heartbeat. DCB needed me to speak for him. I was looking out for his best interests not mom's, dad's or a grandparent's in my case.
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grandmom 01:31 PM 05-03-2011
I would caution you about any wording you use.

Maybe the child is happy with the mom in the morning because she just gave the child his favorite cereal on the way in the car. Maybe the child is not happy with the dad, because he insisted the child wear a seat belt.

What I'm saying is you really don't know what the child's life is like except what the parents choose to show you at drop off/pick up.

I had a family once. Clean hair, clean clothes, matching headbands, the works. Then after they had been in my care for several years, I happened to visit their home. Holes in every door. Dad, who I thought was great with the kids, had a huge temper, and destroyed the doors. We really don't know.

I've given two testimonies. Both bit me later. I'll never do it again.
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Meyou 03:13 AM 05-04-2011
For those of you that have given testimony and it's come back at you what do you mean? Did the families harass you? Or something else? I'm just curious.

In my case I was prepared for backlash but there really wasn't any. However, I testified specifically about changes in behavior and emotions after long term visits to bio dad, paternal grandma and then back to mom. Little guy was shuffled around alot and I was the most stable person in his life. There wasn't much to dispute when I gave no opinions about who did a better job. I refused to take sides. I was just reporting the aftermath of each home as I saw it.
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seashell 09:17 AM 05-04-2011
I would be concerned that dad would want to "Get Even" and call licensing. I would call your specialist first and explain the situation.
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newtodaycare22 09:44 AM 05-04-2011
Originally Posted by seashell:
I would be concerned that dad would want to "Get Even" and call licensing. I would call your specialist first and explain the situation.
And tell licensing what? I do my job and I do it well. Saying that a child comes to me fed and clothed appropriately does not violate my regulations.
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Meeko 10:35 AM 05-04-2011
Originally Posted by newtodaycare22:
And tell licensing what? I do my job and I do it well. Saying that a child comes to me fed and clothed appropriately does not violate my regulations.
I think Seashell meant that you need to be ready for FALSE accusations.

It's annoying... and licensing will investigate anyway....but it will be easier if they already have the heads up that you are dealing with a difficult parent. May never happen......but it doesn't hurt to be prepared for any fallout.
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daycare 10:42 AM 05-04-2011
Originally Posted by Meeko60:
I think Seashell meant that you need to be ready for FALSE accusations.

It's annoying... and licensing will investigate anyway....but it will be easier if they already have the heads up that you are dealing with a difficult parent. May never happen......but it doesn't hurt to be prepared for any fallout.
Ditto this..

giving LIC a heads up is always a good idea if you think that a parent will ever have room to make false accusations..

EX. I had a family that I termed due to non payment.. They were pissed off really bad. They made a huge scene.... Right after it happened i called LIC to let them know what happened and that i feel they will try to make a false report.... LIC took a report and then commended me on contacting them first. They said it happens all the time when people get termed from care.....

Just so you know, I have dealt with custody issues in the past with my own personal family. Everything single item (proof/docs) will be released to the other parent 3 days before the court hearing...So the dad will have a copy of the letter.
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QualiTcare 07:03 AM 05-05-2011
Originally Posted by grandmom:
I would caution you about any wording you use.

Maybe the child is happy with the mom in the morning because she just gave the child his favorite cereal on the way in the car. Maybe the child is not happy with the dad, because he insisted the child wear a seat belt.

What I'm saying is you really don't know what the child's life is like except what the parents choose to show you at drop off/pick up.

I had a family once. Clean hair, clean clothes, matching headbands, the works. Then after they had been in my care for several years, I happened to visit their home. Holes in every door. Dad, who I thought was great with the kids, had a huge temper, and destroyed the doors. We really don't know.

I've given two testimonies. Both bit me later. I'll never do it again.
my husband has broken a door or two in his time. i broke my ex's window bc he was shutting it as we were arguing and i didn't even realize how hard i hit it until it shattered and my hand was bleeding. there were no kids around. couples can fight and dads can lose their temper and still be great with the kids. just saying.
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