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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>A Little Too Personal For Me But................
daycare 04:46 PM 10-20-2014
I have a dcf that consist of dck and dcd only. DCM left shortly after the birth of dcb and has never been back. I don't know the story, this is what I was told.

DCB has been in my care since age 14 months old and is now 5 in kinder. The DCD has done an absolute amazing job with him.

Well DCB is doing an activity with his church and there is a mommy and me day.

They don't have any other family around or too many close friends that live near by.

Today at pick up I get put on the spot by DCB and DCD. They both ask me if I would be willing to do this activity with DCB. While I am flattered, I said can I check my calendar, because I don't do those kind of things with DCKS. I don't even go to b-day parties. I didn't tell them that, I just said let me get back to you.

But to me this just felt a little different, I don't want to let dck down, but I feel really horribly backward.

What should I do? Should I go? I worry other parents will find out and I belive that at least every one of my DCF has asked me to a personal event that I declined. I don't want to seem like I am playing favorites.

what would you do? would you go? If I decide to decline, how should I tell them.

I thought about lying saying I have something going on this day, but live in such a small town that it might get bacl to them......

ohhhh what to do....help
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EntropyControlSpecialist 04:51 PM 10-20-2014
Since you are super uncomfortable, could you just tell them that and suggest a female relative?

I think I would go.
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Butter Biskets 04:51 PM 10-20-2014
In this case, I would do it. I wouldn't want to let the little boy down, especially with his back story. I know it isn't something that you would normally do, but I think that this would mean everything to him.
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Cradle2crayons 04:56 PM 10-20-2014
I personally don't think this counts as a "personal event" like a birthday party etc.

This child doesn't have a mom. And I would feel very honored to have been chosen to attend this very special event.

I grew up with a mom there PHYSICALLY but not in any other way. She took my sister to mom stuff but didn't take me. She threw me away mentally and emotionally. I'm "damaged" in some ways due to this.

But, this young man has no mom at all. I've been asked to do a few of these events and I've done it.

Also, my husband spends more months away than in town due to his job. Thankfully, we had a stand in she asked and he accepted. Both times. It REALLY made my daughter feel so good that this guy accepted.

Of course, this choice is YOURS. But again, don't think of it like a birthday party. And, if other parents found out, I would HOPE they didn't say a WORD to me or else I'd show them the door. If they didn't understand the context of this invitation is different than a birthday party, then bye bye to them!
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Childminder 04:57 PM 10-20-2014
I would go! Honored to be asked. You have been the maternal influence almost her entire life and what would it take, two hours of your life? I understand the wish to keep business and family separate as many on here wish to do but that is not me.

When he is older and calls you up to thank you for the support you gave him or if he wants to bring his child to you because you were the person that went out of your way to care for him you will be glad you did it. I know I have been.
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Sugar Magnolia 05:59 PM 10-20-2014
Only you can decide this, daycare!

My dad died when I was 4. The father/daughter things were always hard for me. My mom remarried when I was 14, to a really great guy who I love dearly, but as a little kid, the absence was tough.

It's a tough decision. I understand your feelings completely. I would support you either way.
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ColorfulSunburst 07:45 PM 10-20-2014
Originally Posted by Childminder:
I would go!
me too!
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Lucy 07:53 PM 10-20-2014
Originally Posted by Childminder:
I would go!
Originally Posted by ColorfulSunburst:
me too!
Me three! I'd love it! I went to two Kindergarten graduations this June. (I only have before/after kids right now, so I was able to go.) Loved it! I'd be proud, in your situation, to accompany your little DC boy.

That being said, it might possibly worry me that dcd could take this as a sign that you want to be more involved in the dcb's life. I'd be a little bit afraid he'd start asking more and more favors. But if it were just this one time, I think it would be awesome.
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Leigh 08:00 PM 10-20-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
I have a dcf that consist of dck and dcd only. DCM left shortly after the birth of dcb and has never been back. I don't know the story, this is what I was told.

DCB has been in my care since age 14 months old and is now 5 in kinder. The DCD has done an absolute amazing job with him.

Well DCB is doing an activity with his church and there is a mommy and me day.

They don't have any other family around or too many close friends that live near by.

Today at pick up I get put on the spot by DCB and DCD. They both ask me if I would be willing to do this activity with DCB. While I am flattered, I said can I check my calendar, because I don't do those kind of things with DCKS. I don't even go to b-day parties. I didn't tell them that, I just said let me get back to you.

But to me this just felt a little different, I don't want to let dck down, but I feel really horribly backward.

What should I do? Should I go? I worry other parents will find out and I belive that at least every one of my DCF has asked me to a personal event that I declined. I don't want to seem like I am playing favorites.

what would you do? would you go? If I decide to decline, how should I tell them.

I thought about lying saying I have something going on this day, but live in such a small town that it might get bacl to them......

ohhhh what to do....help
You're probably the only "Mom" this kid has ever had. You shouldn't do anything you're uncomfortable with, but if the other parents are the only thing stopping you from accepting-just do it. This is completely different from a school play or birthday party. This is about making this child feel for a day like there is a mom in the picture.
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NightOwl 09:20 PM 10-20-2014
In many, many ways, we ARE second moms, whether we want to admit it or not. They spend too much time with us to avoid it happening. So yes, I would absolutely go and feel so honored that they asked.
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daycarediva 03:43 AM 10-21-2014
I would probably go. I don't go to dck's events, but this would be different for me.
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Shell 04:04 AM 10-21-2014
I would go, too. You've had this child for years, and as pp mentioned, you are his "mother" figure. What an honor!
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DaveA 04:06 AM 10-21-2014
I'm torn- 50% of me says you could make an exception and it would mean a lot to DCK. The other half thinks it would be better to decline and not worry about softening the line between daycare provider and client. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't be comfortable doing it when it's not something I would do with other kids. As I type I find myself leaning toward the latter.

Snap decision answer- I would politely find a way to say that you were honored to be asked to participate but you couldn't.
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taylorw1210 04:55 AM 10-21-2014
Originally Posted by Leigh:
You're probably the only "Mom" this kid has ever had. You shouldn't do anything you're uncomfortable with, but if the other parents are the only thing stopping you from accepting-just do it. This is completely different from a school play or birthday party. This is about making this child feel for a day like there is a mom in the picture.
Completely agree. If the other parents are the main thing stopping you from saying yes, think about how much it would mean to the little boy rather than what the other parents would have to say. And imagine the difference in how he'd feel between having you there vs. not.

Originally Posted by Wednesday:
In many, many ways, we ARE second moms, whether we want to admit it or not. They spend too much time with us to avoid it happening. So yes, I would absolutely go and feel so honored that they asked.


Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I would probably go. I don't go to dck's events, but this would be different for me.


I would totally go. After 4 years, you can't help but form a special bond with a child you've cared for for so long. And I'm sure he adores you, and what an amazing compliment the dad has given you by even asking you!
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EntropyControlSpecialist 05:43 AM 10-21-2014
The more I have thought about this the more I feel like you should really go. I understand you are uncomfortable and I would likely be as well but I FEEL for that little boy.

My son didn't have his biological father growing up due to him being incarcerated...and his biological mother was terrible...but, thankfully when a "DAD" figure or "MOM" figure was needed various people stepped up to fill in. Children like this are very different from others. While others take for granted that their parents can go with them, or have minimal appreciation and just see it as a fun night, this child will be appreciative for the rest of his life and will be filled with PRIDE to be seen there with YOU.
Just another perspective.
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JenNJ 06:42 AM 10-21-2014
Personally, I would go. You are not his mom, true. But you are the mother figure in his life. Families are chosen and they are choosing you (everyday by using your services) to be that special role model in his life.

He was left by his bio mom. He and his father obviously respect and care for you. This is a moment that could define that boy's life. A woman standing where no one in his life has before could make him see that he is worth and "deserves" to have a mom.

Think about how hard it must be to not have a mother. Think how it would feel to have a loved person in your life stand up and say, I am proud of you, I love you, and I am here for you.

Who cares what anyone else says or thinks! This is a life defining moment. Please consider going and standing behind this boy in a moment where he needs you.
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Cat Herder 06:52 AM 10-21-2014
I would go in a heartbeat if I could be 100% sure it would not be a soul crushing blow to a poor GMA, somewhere.... Does he have a Gma?

Added: Just occurred to me that the situation might also make my DH a bit uncomfortable... Would DCD also be in attendance as a psuedo-family? Probably projecting, "if the shoe was on the other foot it would give me pause", but something to consider...
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Happily_wed 07:05 AM 10-21-2014
I would go. I had parents but they never attended things with me. I was a cheerleader in junior high and high school and they never came to see me cheer. They missed my senior night in basketball when they were announcing all the seniors and their parents, etc.

IF this child had a mother or grandmother and they just refused to go I would not attend. But he has never known a mother and has no family in the area. I would be honored to have been asked and I would go. It would be a couple of hours out of my life but it might mean the entire world to him!

As for the other parents, what you choose to attend on your down time is none of their business.
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KiddieCahoots 07:17 AM 10-21-2014
My heart says go, my mind says don't.
I feel it all comes down to the type of working relationship you've got going on so far, and you've got to take all aspects of that relationship into consideration to have your answer.
I don't usually go to all personal events, but have gone to the events of the families that were the right fit. This intensified the bond and great working relationship we already had started with.
On the other hand, I've just recently been invited to a birthday party that I know I cannot attend. The working relationship is already under strain, and if I went, I'm sure I'd be expected to accommodate with more, "special".
Only you can ultimately make that decision, and don't worry about what other clients think, tell them it's confidential ..........
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crazydaycarelady 07:19 AM 10-21-2014
I don't do stuff with the kids outside of daycare either but in this case I would. YOU are the closest thing this boy has to a mother. They both must really love you to have asked.
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daycare 08:48 AM 10-21-2014
sorry I lagged in responding back to my own thread. This Iron woman training is killing me...lol

Thank you all so much for everything you posted.

Someone did bring up one of the only other concerns that I have and that is how my DH would feel about this. I guess I would need to find out more details about this function.

There really is no other family around that I am aware of. DCD told me that his family is extremely dysfunctional, his mother is an alcoholic and the rest of them are not any better, so he chooses not to be apart of that family. I belive they live up state NY any how. I have never known them to visit family either.

Trust me when I tell you how bad I really want to go. I just want to make sure that I consider everyone involved and make sure that this cant backfire in anyway.

Yes, you are all correct that I should not worry about what the other parents feel or say about this situation, it's not any of their business.

I will say that I was a little upset that DCD put me on the spot in front of DCK, I wish he would have not asked me in front of him, it was almost like it was a way to make me feel bad or something. Which I already do.

I love this boy like my own. I have had him for many years and I have been there through all of the ugly battles in his life, always being that safety net. Last year he drew me a picture for his brithday and gave it to me. He told me that it was a picture of his birthday wish, a beautiful mommy like me. Of course that made me cry and hurt so bad to know that when all of the other kids wanted toys, he just wanted a mom.

I adopted my first child, his mother died. She was my best friend. Oddly enough I love him more than I love my own biological children. One would think that this would be an easy decision for me, but it's not.

again thank you all so much for your responses, I have some things to think about. I guess getting the full details of the event would be a good start.
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CraftyMom 09:14 AM 10-21-2014
Originally Posted by Leigh:
You're probably the only "Mom" this kid has ever had. You shouldn't do anything you're uncomfortable with, but if the other parents are the only thing stopping you from accepting-just do it. This is completely different from a school play or birthday party. This is about making this child feel for a day like there is a mom in the picture.

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Annalee 09:17 AM 10-21-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
sorry I lagged in responding back to my own thread. This Iron woman training is killing me...lol

Thank you all so much for everything you posted.

Someone did bring up one of the only other concerns that I have and that is how my DH would feel about this. I guess I would need to find out more details about this function.

There really is no other family around that I am aware of. DCD told me that his family is extremely dysfunctional, his mother is an alcoholic and the rest of them are not any better, so he chooses not to be apart of that family. I belive they live up state NY any how. I have never known them to visit family either.

Trust me when I tell you how bad I really want to go. I just want to make sure that I consider everyone involved and make sure that this cant backfire in anyway.

Yes, you are all correct that I should not worry about what the other parents feel or say about this situation, it's not any of their business.

I will say that I was a little upset that DCD put me on the spot in front of DCK, I wish he would have not asked me in front of him, it was almost like it was a way to make me feel bad or something. Which I already do.

I love this boy like my own. I have had him for many years and I have been there through all of the ugly battles in his life, always being that safety net. Last year he drew me a picture for his brithday and gave it to me. He told me that it was a picture of his birthday wish, a beautiful mommy like me. Of course that made me cry and hurt so bad to know that when all of the other kids wanted toys, he just wanted a mom.

I adopted my first child, his mother died. She was my best friend. Oddly enough I love him more than I love my own biological children. One would think that this would be an easy decision for me, but it's not.

again thank you all so much for your responses, I have some things to think about. I guess getting the full details of the event would be a good start.
This makes me think of the Teddy Stallard story I saw at a daycare training http://makeadifferencemovie.com/index.php ....If you have time and don't mind shedding some tears, take time to watch this....the story is only 8 minutes but is awesome!
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daycare 09:31 AM 10-21-2014
Originally Posted by Annalee:
This makes me think of the Teddy Stallard story I saw at a daycare training http://makeadifferencemovie.com/index.php ....If you have time and don't mind shedding some tears, take time to watch this....the story is only 8 minutes but is awesome!
omg I balled my eyes out and now I have to go teach class.

thank you for sharing that..... looks like I am going to be stand in mom for the event..

that video impacted me so much.

thank you
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Annalee 09:42 AM 10-21-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
omg I balled my eyes out and now I have to go teach class.

thank you for sharing that..... looks like I am going to be stand in mom for the event..

that video impacted me so much.

thank you
You are welcome! The video was an eye opener for me as well!
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Blackcat31 09:46 AM 10-21-2014
Originally Posted by DaveArmour:
I'm torn- 50% of me says you could make an exception and it would mean a lot to DCK. The other half thinks it would be better to decline and not worry about softening the line between daycare provider and client. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't be comfortable doing it when it's not something I would do with other kids. As I type I find myself leaning toward the latter.

Snap decision answer- I would politely find a way to say that you were honored to be asked to participate but you couldn't.
I would not go.

I may fill the same role a mother may fill in regards to some aspects of the child's life but the bigger issue here is the fact that the child does not have a mother in the picture right now and that is something (although very sad) the family (DCD and DCK) must find a way to deal with.

I doubt this will be the only event in his life that calls for a mother. Will you always be asked to fill in for those...kwim?

When my kids' school did the mommy and me or daddy and me type function the parent went. Whatever parent the child had.

Even though DCK has only got a dad in the picture, Dad IS providing BOTH parental roles therefore, his dad should attend the event since he is serving as both mom and dad.

I have a very clear and solid line drawn between business and personal and this would be crossing it.

I understand each situation is different but I don't allow myself to even venture into territory that I don't want to be in for everyone.
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Josiegirl 10:50 AM 10-21-2014
I haven't watched the video linked but you can bet I'll come back later to watch it.
I'm pretty sure I would go, it would feel like a complete honor to me to be asked. Just think how special this little boy must think you are in his life! He picked you!
And never mind what everybody else thinks or feels about you going, it depends on how you feel about it.
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Kabob 11:38 AM 10-21-2014
I think you should do whatever you're comfortable with.

If it makes you feel any better, my mom wasn't there for me after my parents divorced so my dad filled that role. Even before they divorced, we had a very difficult relationship that wasn't healthy or normal to say the least.

Even though I've reconciled with my mom (to a degree), I still send my dad mother's day cards every year and wish him a happy mother's day. I started doing that as a kid when I came to terms with the fact that you don't always get the parents you wish for. My dad did a great job.

Everyone deals with life differently though, so you should follow your gut on this one.
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