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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Why, Why, Why??? WWYD?
sierrastreasures 07:03 AM 12-09-2010
Quick post for suggestions please.

I have a 3 year old that continuously ask why, why, why and more whys. Some whys are out of curiosity, others because she does not want to do a particular project or change activities or share for that matter.

To be honest out of frustration the other day I said to her after 10 whys that morning, "because I asked you to and please don't keep asking why". The child went home last night and complained to her mom.

Mom showed up this morning a little miffed. She is a very young mom 19 years old and very sensitive to her child's complaints. Her conversation went like this "___ said she is not allowed to ask why at your daycare. Your daycare is different than so and so's because she was allowed to ask why any time she wanted as well as run and scream all day. She did not have as many toys as you do but _____ had the whole basement to run and scream if she wanted to".

I explained that there are differences in the type of why's that ___ continually ask ask. I went on to explain that I have recognized that when ___ does not want to change activities she says "why".

I'm upset with myself because I did not stick to my guns and gave into her request to answer every why. Now I fear the other children will follow suit when they do not want to follow my program and the questionable whys will become whiny whhhhhhyyyyyys???????

How can I correct this situation and put the ball back in my court. I don't want to bend the rules for one child and I feel I've just set myself up from the beginning with this young mom to run the show. Am I being over sensitive?
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marniewon 07:18 AM 12-09-2010
You told mom that you would answer dcg's every "why"? Yikes! I would have told mom that I would answer every "why" that comes from curiosity, but would not answer "why's" that are just stalling or whining. I ignore (stalling/whiny) whys here. And some curiosity whys too - after about the 10th time of the same "why" I'm done. One thing you can do is turn it around on her - she asks why so you ask a why question.

Not sure what you can do to get the ball back in your court, except maybe do what you do and next time mom comes to you with an issue, don't back down. Or you could tell mom that after thinking about things, you have decided you will not answer every why, unless it's a curiosity why. That you will not allow whining or stalling tactics. Do you suppose mom answers every single why? I'll bet she doesn't
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Blackcat31 07:25 AM 12-09-2010
Tell the child "I don't know ask your mom." every time she asks why.
Sorry, I was being sarcastic!!! That is a tough one, but the whole going home and complaining to the parent is a tough and annoying situation. I've had kids do that before too and I just tell parents that they need to keep in mind that the kid is telling them things from a child's perspective and no matter what the kid complains about all you can do is assure the mom you are providing a safe and nurturing environment for her child and that she would be doing herself a favor by not calling you out on every complaint her preschool age child has. Bottom line is that if she truly wants someone to answer every "why" her child has then hire a tutor or a nanny to give her child that kind of attention. I've had kids tell their parents that they never get to eat here or that we have mac'n cheese EVERY day...and then had the parents actually come and ask me if we really eat mac'n cheese every day!?!?!

"If you promise not believe everything your child says happens at daycare, then I promise not to believe everything they say happens at home!"
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Live and Learn 07:26 AM 12-09-2010
When lil kids go throughout this stage..... and a whole lot of really smart kids do.....if I know that the lil one already knows the answer I say "Why do you think?" with a smile in my voice....sometimes asking why just becomes a habit for them too. I answer all "why's" but if I know they know the answer I turn the why back around to them......It is easy for me to answer the why's because I have a smaller group then many others on this forum.
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Live and Learn 07:30 AM 12-09-2010
"If you promise not believe everything your child says happens at daycare, then I promise not to believe everything they say happens at home
This is so true
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melskids 07:38 AM 12-09-2010
i usually just look at them and say "why not?" i get a confused look for a second, and then they're on their merry way.....
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DancingQueen 07:42 AM 12-09-2010
"because I said so"
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DancingQueen 07:43 AM 12-09-2010
so basically you have a kid saying "WHY" all day then mom comes and asks "WHY?" LOL apple - meet tree.. tree.. meet apple.
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kitkat 07:47 AM 12-09-2010
Originally Posted by Live and Learn:
When lil kids go throughout this stage..... and a whole lot of really smart kids do.....if I know that the lil one already knows the answer I say "Why do you think?" with a smile in my voice....sometimes asking why just becomes a habit for them too. I answer all "why's" but if I know they know the answer I turn the why back around to them......It is easy for me to answer the why's because I have a smaller group then many others on this forum.

Exactly what I do! Why is such a contagious word, also. Even DD who turned 2 in Sept has picked it up from dcg who is 4. Whenever someone asks why and it's not a true why question, I always ask, "Why do you think?" and they always can tell me the right answer.
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SilverSabre25 07:48 AM 12-09-2010
Why? (curiosity)--as honest and true of an answer as possible, even if it's "I don't know"...
Why? b/c a. Why a? b/c b. Why b? b/c c. Why c?...answer as honestly as possible until you're tired of it or it seems to be a game--then my stock answer is, "Because, because, because, that's why I like giraffes" and redirect to something else. The answer is silly and elicits giggles and distracts from the game of Why.

Why? (stalling)--as honest and true of an answer as possible--the first time. ("because it's lunch time" "Because we wash our hands before we eat" "Because it's time to clean up"). Subsequent times: "Because I told you to. Now do it."
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Luna 07:49 AM 12-09-2010
For "why?'s" when I know they already no the answer, or there is no answer, I usually make something up...like "because the cows on the moon are dancing", "because the mayor of Sillyville needs new shoes"...something like that. They look at me like I have two heads and walk away.
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kitkat 07:49 AM 12-09-2010
Originally Posted by DancingQueen:
"because I said so"
I hate using this, but I do it with DS6 sometimes.

Originally Posted by DancingQueen:
so basically you have a kid saying "WHY" all day then mom comes and asks "WHY?" LOL apple - meet tree.. tree.. meet apple.
Love it!
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Live and Learn 07:53 AM 12-09-2010
Dancing Queen:
Apple tree comment SO FUNNY!!!!!
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AnythingsPossible 07:58 AM 12-09-2010
Originally Posted by Live and Learn:
When lil kids go throughout this stage..... and a whole lot of really smart kids do.....if I know that the lil one already knows the answer I say "Why do you think?" with a smile in my voice....sometimes asking why just becomes a habit for them too. I answer all "why's" but if I know they know the answer I turn the why back around to them......It is easy for me to answer the why's because I have a smaller group then many others on this forum.
Ditto this! I always use this strategy when they get into the what's this what's that. If I know they know the answer, then I ask the question back to them. As far as the constant why's on some things, I have in the past ignored the question, or just repeat the statement firmly. Ignoring may not be the nicest way to handle it, but it is better then snapping at them out of frustration! (hanging head in shame for having done this a time or two..)
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Lilbutterflie 09:12 AM 12-09-2010
I try to be patient with all of the "whys" here b/c all of my dck's are at the age to ask why all the time! When it's out of curiosity, I try to answer. BUT, around here if you ask an authority figure "Why?" after they tell you to do something, it's DISRESPECT! I don't tolerate it in my house. I would have told DCM that you are willing to answer her "whys" out of curiosity, but when it's b/c she is questioning your authority it is not tolerated. In my house, if you are told to do something you DO it without any questions. If they are still curious after they have done what they've been told (like asking "why are we getting our shoes on" while they are in the process of getting shoes on), then I will answer.
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Live and Learn 09:19 AM 12-09-2010
lil butterfly: I agree with you on this.....
When a lil one asks why when I have just told them to do something I do say "because I said so"......I cannot stand the "back talking why". I answer all why's ....just sometimes the lil ones don't get the answer they were expecting or hoping for!
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DancingQueen 09:20 AM 12-09-2010
I have a dcg about 1.5 yrs old. She asks "why?" all the time. I giggle and usually I give her an answer because she is cute. Her dad is driven insane by it.. He tells her "because I said so" This morning she was talking on her play phone and it went like this.

"e i e i o. why? sedso why sedso on e farm e i e i why? sedso tinkle tinkle lit-oh sar why? sedso"
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boysx5 09:26 AM 12-09-2010
I have two who asked why all day and I always because
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countrymom 09:44 AM 12-09-2010
I think after a while it becomes a games, so I ignore them and redirect them (I pretend i don't hear them) but thats funny that this mom thinks its a big issue, I would start my conversations with her with "why"
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nannyde 10:00 AM 12-09-2010
Okay so you have two things going on here. The child is misbehaving and the parent is misbehaving.

The child:

When children use "why" repeatedly it is a "term of engagement". It's a word or phrase used to get you to "do" them. Small children learn the word why causes adults to stop... pay attention to them... talk to them... and the best thing ever KEEP doing it if the child repeats the word.

The word "why" doesn't mean anything to this child. It wouldn't be any different if she was saying the word "just" to you. Now there are times when the word "why" would come up in a child's speech but you KNOW intrinsically when the usage of the word is genuine and when it is a term of engagement. The little thing in your gut that goes off when she says it to engage you... listen to that ... it will be correct a hundred percent of the time.

So the best way to get her to stop using it specifically for a term of engagement is to answer her with "WhyCuz" and follow it with what you DO want her to do at that moment. In my house this would be "WhyCuz? Go play toys".

Now you can pick something other than WhyCuz. Just make a word that uses the word she is using and then attach something one syllable to it. You can say WhyFrog... WhySky... whatever. The most important thing is to follow it with what you want her to do. WhyCuz... go sit down at the table. WhyCuz... go wash your hands. WhyCuz turn around. There HAS to be a prompt for her to DO something. You can't leave it open to her reengaging you with her response. You can't say "WhyCuz... what do you want to do right now?"

You don't even have to be stern about it. Just be matter of fact. Respond to her in a straight way and expect her to DO what you want her to DO.

So you are changing the scene from her wanting to get YOU to DO her to YOU telling her to DO... whatever.

If she doesn't go play or go to the table or go wash her hands THEN the consequence for not doing what you want HER to do goes into effect.

This technique works pretty quickly. A week or so. When she does ask you a real WHY question then you answer it. If your gut is dinging that it's not sincere and doesn't have anything to do but to get you to DO her then use the attached word and prompt.

What this system does is tell her that the word now has another meaning. When it's intended for the purpose of engagement (she may want to stall, to have your undivided attention, nicely REFUSE what you are asking her to do before she says why, have you justify why you are or are not doing or expecting something etc. then the engagement doesn't work. Once it quits working she quits doing it.

When a child can say "why" the inexperienced parent is gobsmacked by it. It's really one of the first signs that the child is able to really sort their world and interact with their parents beyond basic concrete thinking. Because the parents reaction to it is SO strong the child senses that this is a very powerful word that when said... gets the adults to pay heed. Once they pay heed the child then sees that they can pay heed for a way longer time and way more often as long as they put out the word. So this word captivates adults and the child then uses it to capture adults.

You just got got

Now where the parent comes in is a whole nutter kettle o fish.

What the parent is saying to you is that her child is able to tell her specifically what is happening in your care.... THAT'S HUGE... and that the child has an opinion... that she feels that her childs opinion is a top priority... and that if you want to continue caring for her you better think the same.
She's telling you that she is paying you for this and/or if she is state funded that she is giving you this opportunity to get the money and you better get to gettin and do it. She will know if you don't cuz the kid can obviously tell her.

The Mom doesn't get to command you that you must keep her daughter happy at all times. She doesn't get to come in and tell you how you are to respond and what you are to do minute to minute. If the child is constantly doing this she is taking over your minute to minute. The Mom doesn't get to say words just like her daughter is trying to get you to do what SHE wants you to do. Her request is unreasonable and it's not for the benefit of you or your group. The kid is in group care so one child doesn't get to take over the adult and what the adult does with the other kids. Sorry... but not even for her very intelligent daughter who got to do it at her other babysitters house.

Tell the Mom that you don't think she understands the use of the word "why" and that you are working with her to help her understand it. The best solution for everyone is for her and her daughter to sit down every evening and write out all of her WHY questions that her daughter doesn't feel were properly answered. Then Mom can answer the questions she can and then supply to you a list of the WHY questions the Mom is unable to answer. This will give the Mom an opportunity to see for herself what WHY questions she has and possibly she will understand that indeed she doesn't understand the word. You will take that list and when you have time at the end of the day you will have a "why" conference with her daughter.

This will give the parent something to really DO when her daughter and she insist that you DO what her daughter wants you to DO. If her Mom agrees that the child can monopolize an adult with the WHY's then let it be her.

This way you are exacting discipline on both of them for their misbehaving. It's like the "writing sentences" grade schoolers do when they get in trouble in the classroom.
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SandeeAR 10:02 AM 12-09-2010
Originally Posted by DancingQueen:
I have a dcg about 1.5 yrs old. She asks "why?" all the time. I giggle and usually I give her an answer because she is cute. Her dad is driven insane by it.. He tells her "because I said so" This morning she was talking on her play phone and it went like this.

"e i e i o. why? sedso why sedso on e farm e i e i why? sedso tinkle tinkle lit-oh sar why? sedso"
It is amazing what you can learn when they talk on play phones! My 2.5 y/o dkg was really telling a child what for on the phone one day. It was a boys name I had never heard. We are close with this family, go to church with them etc. I knew it wasn't a cousin or a kid from church.

I told Dad about it, he laughed. It was a little boy that bugs big sister at school. When big siste plays school, he is the one always in trouble. Little sister was just copying it!
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nannyde 10:19 AM 12-09-2010
Oh and one other thing:

What I do with "my" kids... who have all been here since they were itty bitty babies... is different than what I would do with a new kid who was trying to seize the power.

With my kids they all go thru a phase when they try the why. They are successful at home and they ALL go thru a time when they try it on here to see if it works.

It doesn't.

My general way with them is to tease them mercilessly with torture in mind. We are a very teasing group.

So when they try it on here I always tell them to go ask the youngest baby in the house who can't even talk.

Nan: Go clean toys Little Missy.
Little Missy: Why
Nan: I dunno go ask Little Sluggo
Little Missy: Little Sluggo can't talk.
Nan: Yes he can.
Little Missy: No he can't.
Nan: Yes he can.
Little Missy: No he can't.
Nan: Yes he can.
Little Missy: No he can't.
Nan: Yes he can.
Little Missy: No he can't.


I learned this one on Elf.

I say "yes he can" in five languages with seventeen inflections. The kid says "no he can't" in EVERY possible way they can THINK to say it.

I will not surrender until the kid busts out laughing.

Then I tell them to go clean toys.

I always try FIRST to kid them out of it. If it doesn't work then I go on the WhyCuz plan. My kids have been with me their whole lives so they try to get a rise out of me whenever possible. I allow it all in fun but DO make the point.

I wouldn't do this with a kid that didn't get "us" in the first place. "us" is me being in charge and not allowing a kid to fixate on anything ever. My kids know the drill but they also know when enough is enough. If she can get the point thru humor than try that. If not I would do the WhyCuz plan.
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QualiTcare 10:32 AM 12-09-2010
"The word "why" doesn't mean anything to this child. It wouldn't be any different if she was saying the word "just" to you."

i agree. my sisters were old enough to remember me saying HUH? all the time. i don't remember it.

they still talk about it. "i'd say move and you'd say HUH?" "i'd say are you an alien and you'd say HUH?" "i'd ask you your name and you'd say HUH?" apparently it annoyed them really bad to be able to remember it so long.

i assume saying HUH? got whoever i said it to to repeat themselves or "do" me
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jen 10:35 AM 12-09-2010
LOL!

I have one that says,

"Are ya' making lunch Jen?" Which, obviously I am. After I say yes, he just continues:

Are ya making lunch, Jen
Yep
What are you making?
Chicken and Potatoes.
Are you making chicken and potatoes?
Yes, M
Jen, Are you making chicken and potatoes?

Now, if I say Yes, M, we are stuck in a loop so I say, NOPE! Beans and Franks. We just keep gonig like that, with my lunch suggestions getting weirder and weirder, until he starts laughing or returns to...

"Nah, your making chicken and potatoes." At which point, he is done.
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nannyde 10:40 AM 12-09-2010
My ten year old does it with WHAT?

Oh my ... makes me insane.

I now answer with WHAT?

And then he repeats "what did you say"

I say "i dunno.. I forgot"

Then he goes on and on about that he didn't HEAR me and what did I say. I again say "I don't remember".

After five rounds of that THEN he repeats what I did say.

Sometimes I just change it too just to mess with him.

When he says "What" I say "you are grounded for seven weeks". He does the "no you didn't say that .. WHAT did you say?"

rinse and repeat
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laundrymom 11:19 AM 12-09-2010
I say... Because I asked nicely and uses my manners. Or... Why so YOU think?
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Unregistered 11:34 AM 12-09-2010
I like answering legit "why" questions because it's an exchange of information and I've found that my kids really absorb information when they ask the question and I answer it. I love those "why's". The "why's" that I really hate to hear are the time-buying "why's" and the whining "why's".
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