Daycare.com Forum
Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>DCPs divorcing. How do I help dcb?
SilverSabre25 08:05 AM 06-26-2013
I found out last night that these DCPs are divorcing. They are only in the very early stages of things. Kids are 4 and 1. How do I help the DCBs with this adjustment? What sorts of things do I need to say/do to help them with this transition? Already today he's referenced his parents not being together anymore at least 3 times.
Starburst 08:51 AM 06-26-2013
Just reassure him that there are different types of families; some only have a mommy or only a daddy. Some have both parents that live in the same house and some have both parents that live apart. Some kids don't live with their mommy's or daddy's but live with grandparents/aunts/uncles... You can also look for children's books about divorced parents. Other then that there is not much else to say unless he asks question.
EX: If he asks if its because his parents are mad at him or don't love him anymore tell him all it means is that they realize they don't want to be together anymore but that they still love him and his little bro/sis.
Or if he asks if it's his fault or his bro/sis's fault tell him it's not his fault or his little bro/sis's fault, they just realized they are better people apart then together.
The biggest issue with kids of divorce is that they are usually afraid its either their fault or that because their parents don't like/love each other anymore that their parents probably don't like/love them (the child) anymore since they are a part of both of them. So avoid saying "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore" or "daddy doesn't like mommy anymore" because they are still apart of that person and any critisism on either parent will make them feel like the feelings will be projected on them by that parent who fell out of love/like. Also make sure he understands that its not his little siblings fault either, sometimes older kids blame divorces on the younger sibling if they are babies when the parents split (they may think if he/she was never born they would still be together).
EX: If he asks if its because his parents are mad at him or don't love him anymore tell him all it means is that they realize they don't want to be together anymore but that they still love him and his little bro/sis.
Or if he asks if it's his fault or his bro/sis's fault tell him it's not his fault or his little bro/sis's fault, they just realized they are better people apart then together.
The biggest issue with kids of divorce is that they are usually afraid its either their fault or that because their parents don't like/love each other anymore that their parents probably don't like/love them (the child) anymore since they are a part of both of them. So avoid saying "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore" or "daddy doesn't like mommy anymore" because they are still apart of that person and any critisism on either parent will make them feel like the feelings will be projected on them by that parent who fell out of love/like. Also make sure he understands that its not his little siblings fault either, sometimes older kids blame divorces on the younger sibling if they are babies when the parents split (they may think if he/she was never born they would still be together).
Blackcat31 09:01 AM 06-26-2013
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
I found out last night that these DCPs are divorcing. They are only in the very early stages of things. Kids are 4 and 1. How do I help the DCBs with this adjustment? What sorts of things do I need to say/do to help them with this transition? Already today he's referenced his parents not being together anymore at least 3 times.
Before even attempting to talk with a child who's parents are divorcing, I would have a discussion with the parent(s) first. I would need to know what they have already discussed with their child and how much info/details, if any they want me to know as well as what they would want me to discuss with their child.I found out last night that these DCPs are divorcing. They are only in the very early stages of things. Kids are 4 and 1. How do I help the DCBs with this adjustment? What sorts of things do I need to say/do to help them with this transition? Already today he's referenced his parents not being together anymore at least 3 times.
As a parent, if I were divorcing, I'd be a little upset if my child care provider took it upon herself to discuss the situation with my child WITHOUT my consent or knowledge before hand...kwim?
I know as providers we deal with and interact with these kids on a daily basis and are usually the child's first outside non-relative adult or role model and it is hard to not want to talk with the kids about changes like this.
I think we should talk with them and help them adjust in any way necessary but ONLY with the parent's prior knowledge and the parent's input as well as their permission.
It's just one of those touchy subjects that we get the privilege of seeing the fall out first hand but don't automatically have the right to talk with them about.
Poor little guy.
SilverSabre25 09:15 AM 06-26-2013
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Before even attempting to talk with a child who's parents are divorcing, I would have a discussion with the parent(s) first. I would need to know what they have already discussed with their child and how much info/details, if any they want me to know as well as what they would want me to discuss with their child.
As a parent, if I were divorcing, I'd be a little upset if my child care provider took it upon herself to discuss the situation with my child WITHOUT my consent or knowledge before hand...kwim?
I know as providers we deal with and interact with these kids on a daily basis and are usually the child's first outside non-relative adult or role model and it is hard to not want to talk with the kids about changes like this.
I think we should talk with them and help them adjust in any way necessary but ONLY with the parent's prior knowledge and the parent's input as well as their permission.
It's just one of those touchy subjects that we get the privilege of seeing the fall out first hand but don't automatically have the right to talk with them about.
Poor little guy.
Oh, I wasn't going to discuss it with him without first talking with mom! I was just wanting to know, (since this is all transpiring rather suddenly), what I can say to him when he does bring up things like mentioning that his parents aren't together anymore--what's the appropriate response? That sort of thing. Not initiating a conversation, but reacting to them...if that makes sense.Before even attempting to talk with a child who's parents are divorcing, I would have a discussion with the parent(s) first. I would need to know what they have already discussed with their child and how much info/details, if any they want me to know as well as what they would want me to discuss with their child.
As a parent, if I were divorcing, I'd be a little upset if my child care provider took it upon herself to discuss the situation with my child WITHOUT my consent or knowledge before hand...kwim?
I know as providers we deal with and interact with these kids on a daily basis and are usually the child's first outside non-relative adult or role model and it is hard to not want to talk with the kids about changes like this.
I think we should talk with them and help them adjust in any way necessary but ONLY with the parent's prior knowledge and the parent's input as well as their permission.
It's just one of those touchy subjects that we get the privilege of seeing the fall out first hand but don't automatically have the right to talk with them about.
Poor little guy.
And what sorts of fall out on *his end* do I need to look for, like behavioral/emotional challenges, stuff like that. Obviously I don't let him get away with stuff, but I want to know what to expect from him.
I will absolutely have a chat with mom; we were in the midst of one last night when another dcp arrived for pick up and that totally cut off our conversation. She up and left before I had a chance to finish up with her.
MarinaVanessa 09:22 AM 06-26-2013
I think that the best thing that you can do for them is to make sure that the DC stay a neutral and as stress-free environment as possible for them. If DCB wants to talk about it let him, just be his open ear. Don't ask questions and answer his questions truthfully. Just let him talk it out ... or let him not say anything at all if he doesn't want to.
I think your main focus should be with the parents. I would have a chat with them and ask if they are in fact going through a separation because DCB mentioned this. If they are then I would clarify the boundaries that they must not cross. Don't let them bring their personal issues into the DC. I think that this is the best thing that you can do to support the DCK's.
I know I mentioned it in the other thread about parent's separating but I'll mention it again... BC's letter for parent's that divorce is a great letter to give DCP's. It'll help keep your environment as stress free as possible so that they have a better chance to process their emotions and it will address scenarios now that may become issues later. In other words it will keep the DCP's from doing or asking for something later that can cause friction in your daycare.
Try printing up some helpful information for the parent's to help guide them in what they should and shouldn't do around their kids.
Mayo Clinic - Children and divorce: Helping kids after a breakup
Here's a brief article for you.
Supporting Children of Divorce: Guidelines for Caregivers
Also, you can also read the DCK's (more so the older one) a story about when families separate, something simple. I have a book called "When Dinosaurs Divorce" but there are so many out there to choose from. Pick a story that helps identify feelings that the child may be feeling and that explains what is happening, how it's not their fault and how they can cope with their emotions.
The only and the best thing that you can do for them is to be their stability in the moment when it feels like they may have none.
I think your main focus should be with the parents. I would have a chat with them and ask if they are in fact going through a separation because DCB mentioned this. If they are then I would clarify the boundaries that they must not cross. Don't let them bring their personal issues into the DC. I think that this is the best thing that you can do to support the DCK's.
I know I mentioned it in the other thread about parent's separating but I'll mention it again... BC's letter for parent's that divorce is a great letter to give DCP's. It'll help keep your environment as stress free as possible so that they have a better chance to process their emotions and it will address scenarios now that may become issues later. In other words it will keep the DCP's from doing or asking for something later that can cause friction in your daycare.
Try printing up some helpful information for the parent's to help guide them in what they should and shouldn't do around their kids.
Mayo Clinic - Children and divorce: Helping kids after a breakup
Here's a brief article for you.
Supporting Children of Divorce: Guidelines for Caregivers
Also, you can also read the DCK's (more so the older one) a story about when families separate, something simple. I have a book called "When Dinosaurs Divorce" but there are so many out there to choose from. Pick a story that helps identify feelings that the child may be feeling and that explains what is happening, how it's not their fault and how they can cope with their emotions.
The only and the best thing that you can do for them is to be their stability in the moment when it feels like they may have none.
Blackcat31 09:31 AM 06-26-2013
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
The only and the best thing that you can do for them is to be their stability in the moment when it feels like they may have none.
This is so true. A lot of providers begin to feel badly for the situation a child is going through due to family or homelife and make exceptions to their behavior etc but actually the best thing you can do is stay firm and consistent. The only and the best thing that you can do for them is to be their stability in the moment when it feels like they may have none.
Kids feel safe when their routines are not disrupted and if you start giving him a bit of leeway or room as far as following rules and such, he may mistake that and think any time something is going on in his life that it means a free for all or an excuse to act up or misbehave.
I would just constantly reassure him that everyone in his life loves him the same no matter what changes as far as living arrrangements etc.
Just reconfirm what he already knows.
countrymom 09:31 AM 06-26-2013
let them talk, and reinforce that mom loves you and dad loves you. And when its a holiday I have somthing for the dad and stepdad, kids love that and so do the parents.
also as a provider your going to have to be a shoulder to lean on for the parents (I think this is one of our job descriptions lol) your neutral and its ok to listen to them.
also as a provider your going to have to be a shoulder to lean on for the parents (I think this is one of our job descriptions lol) your neutral and its ok to listen to them.
MarinaVanessa 09:36 AM 06-26-2013
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
Oh, I wasn't going to discuss it with him without first talking with mom! I was just wanting to know, (since this is all transpiring rather suddenly), what I can say to him when he does bring up things like mentioning that his parents aren't together anymore--what's the appropriate response? That sort of thing. Not initiating a conversation, but reacting to them...if that makes sense.
Appropriate responses would be things that aren't judgmental, are supportive, honest, reassuring and validating.
DCB: My mom and dad fight a lot.
YOU: Oh yeah? I bet that's hard on you.
DCB: Yeah. I don't like it.
YOU: I probably wouldn't like it either.
DCB: My dad lives in another house.
YOU: I bet that doesn't feel good.
DCB: No.
YOU: I bet it makes you feel sad. But you know what? Your mom and dad love you very much.
DCB: What's going to happen next?
YOU: That's a good question, I don't know. But you know what I do know? That you mom and dad aren't the only ones that love you. I love you too.
etc.
And what sorts of fall out on *his end* do I need to look for, like behavioral/emotional challenges, stuff like that. Obviously I don't let him get away with stuff, but I want to know what to expect from him.
Every child will be different. Some may withdraw and become more reserved, some may act out with aggression, some may test boundaries more etc. It really depends on the child. Enforcing your rules the same as always will show the child that your DC is a place of stability where nothing has changed so keep enforcing your rules, that's a great choice.
I will absolutely have a chat with mom; we were in the midst of one last night when another dcp arrived for pick up and that totally cut off our conversation. She up and left before I had a chance to finish up with her.
I answered in blue aboveOh, I wasn't going to discuss it with him without first talking with mom! I was just wanting to know, (since this is all transpiring rather suddenly), what I can say to him when he does bring up things like mentioning that his parents aren't together anymore--what's the appropriate response? That sort of thing. Not initiating a conversation, but reacting to them...if that makes sense.
Appropriate responses would be things that aren't judgmental, are supportive, honest, reassuring and validating.
DCB: My mom and dad fight a lot.
YOU: Oh yeah? I bet that's hard on you.
DCB: Yeah. I don't like it.
YOU: I probably wouldn't like it either.
DCB: My dad lives in another house.
YOU: I bet that doesn't feel good.
DCB: No.
YOU: I bet it makes you feel sad. But you know what? Your mom and dad love you very much.
DCB: What's going to happen next?
YOU: That's a good question, I don't know. But you know what I do know? That you mom and dad aren't the only ones that love you. I love you too.
etc.
And what sorts of fall out on *his end* do I need to look for, like behavioral/emotional challenges, stuff like that. Obviously I don't let him get away with stuff, but I want to know what to expect from him.
Every child will be different. Some may withdraw and become more reserved, some may act out with aggression, some may test boundaries more etc. It really depends on the child. Enforcing your rules the same as always will show the child that your DC is a place of stability where nothing has changed so keep enforcing your rules, that's a great choice.
I will absolutely have a chat with mom; we were in the midst of one last night when another dcp arrived for pick up and that totally cut off our conversation. She up and left before I had a chance to finish up with her.
daycarediva 10:04 AM 06-26-2013
I have an exceptionally bright, very very verbal 2yo in care, and his parents have separated, filed for divorce and sold their home. THEN dcd moved in his gf and has gradually seen less and less of dcb.
Dcb's behavior is all over the place, but the primary way I would describe him now is clingy, whiny, shy, sad and his separation anxiety from dcm and myself is EXTREME. He is in counseling now because of the level of anxiety he has and dcm is working SO HARD to maintain consistency. He had 2 other caregivers (paternal grandmother and paternal aunt), but that ended when their marriage did, and he is now here full time. LOTS of change for him, and he doesn't do well with ANY, AT ALL. (eg if I don't read before nap, he cries "but we have to read the book before nap! How can I sleep if you don't read?")
All I do is reassure him that he is SAFE, and LOVED and remain positive and consistent. I attempt to refocus his energy on the positives, like decorating his new big boy bedroom in Mommy's new apartment, and how since he doesn't have a backyard anymore, he gets to go to the complex PLAYGROUND and POOL. He has 1 day/week with Dad and when he says he misses him, I say that I know, and I understand, and hug him and tell him Daddy misses him too, but then I try to get him to think of all the fun things Daddy and he will do together on Saturday.
It's definitely an ongoing process, and my heart BREAKS for him.
Dcb's behavior is all over the place, but the primary way I would describe him now is clingy, whiny, shy, sad and his separation anxiety from dcm and myself is EXTREME. He is in counseling now because of the level of anxiety he has and dcm is working SO HARD to maintain consistency. He had 2 other caregivers (paternal grandmother and paternal aunt), but that ended when their marriage did, and he is now here full time. LOTS of change for him, and he doesn't do well with ANY, AT ALL. (eg if I don't read before nap, he cries "but we have to read the book before nap! How can I sleep if you don't read?")
All I do is reassure him that he is SAFE, and LOVED and remain positive and consistent. I attempt to refocus his energy on the positives, like decorating his new big boy bedroom in Mommy's new apartment, and how since he doesn't have a backyard anymore, he gets to go to the complex PLAYGROUND and POOL. He has 1 day/week with Dad and when he says he misses him, I say that I know, and I understand, and hug him and tell him Daddy misses him too, but then I try to get him to think of all the fun things Daddy and he will do together on Saturday.
It's definitely an ongoing process, and my heart BREAKS for him.
daycare 11:58 AM 06-26-2013
I can you one thing NOT to do...lol
dont let up on boundaries or guidance. I did this once with a dck that was going through a divorce. I didnt want him to feel the backlash of DCP fighting and what not so I let him get away with a lot...boy was that a mistake....
I would also talk with the parents and let them know that DCK is asking questions. I try not to get into families personal life and answer questions of why MOM or DAD do what they do. I often say I wish I knew, maybe you should ask mommy or daddy next time... If its something that I can honestly answer, I do....
I also just reassure them that they will always be ok when they are here.
dont let up on boundaries or guidance. I did this once with a dck that was going through a divorce. I didnt want him to feel the backlash of DCP fighting and what not so I let him get away with a lot...boy was that a mistake....
I would also talk with the parents and let them know that DCK is asking questions. I try not to get into families personal life and answer questions of why MOM or DAD do what they do. I often say I wish I knew, maybe you should ask mommy or daddy next time... If its something that I can honestly answer, I do....
I also just reassure them that they will always be ok when they are here.
SilverSabre25 05:34 AM 06-27-2013
Thank you guys. I feel like I'm on slightly firmer ground now.
To be clear, the 4 yo's not asking any questions, just referencing "My mommy and daddy aren't together anymore" and "My daddy doesn't live with us now" and while he hasn't brought it up since yesterday morning, I can tell he's trying to process it.
Both boys are more tired than usual. The 1 yo is fussier. I can tell that he is processing things too.
I went through my parents divorce at 7, but theirs was peaceful and my dad never just up and left.
DCM is in a tough place and I can tell she's struggling. But I know better than to let up on any policies, just as I shouldn't let up on any behaviors from the kids!
DCM and I got to talk a bit more last night and I know that she's going to be proactive in helping the boys adjust. She's not one of those to just brush everything off. But I did drop the "stability" term last night in reference to daycare needing to be one safe and stable place for them.
To be clear, the 4 yo's not asking any questions, just referencing "My mommy and daddy aren't together anymore" and "My daddy doesn't live with us now" and while he hasn't brought it up since yesterday morning, I can tell he's trying to process it.
Both boys are more tired than usual. The 1 yo is fussier. I can tell that he is processing things too.
I went through my parents divorce at 7, but theirs was peaceful and my dad never just up and left.
DCM is in a tough place and I can tell she's struggling. But I know better than to let up on any policies, just as I shouldn't let up on any behaviors from the kids!
DCM and I got to talk a bit more last night and I know that she's going to be proactive in helping the boys adjust. She's not one of those to just brush everything off. But I did drop the "stability" term last night in reference to daycare needing to be one safe and stable place for them.