So I am on the CACFP, but 2 1/2 weeks ago, one mom showed up and told me that from now on her 6 yo daughter would be bringing her own lunch, and that she had brought her own lunch that day. She said they were going to be vegan. I was surprised but have given it a try.

I was kinda surprised that dcg has been bringing yogurt and cheese as well as juice (mom had asked me months ago to not give her juice which I have done). There have also been a few other little issues like bringing dcg in shoes that she can't do up herself after I'd asked mom to not do that (I require older children to be dressed in a way that they can be self-sufficient in dressing).

After thinking it over, I decided that I wanted to stick to a policy that I would provide all meals. The odd things about the lunch just felt kinda weird along with the other funny stuff.

Overall, it has felt like mom wants to call shots a little bit here, and I don't really want to deal with it. Yes, it also costs me on the CACFP, but if that was the only reason I wouldn't have decided that way.

I sent mom an email today, letting her know that after giving it a try I had decided to stick to my policy that I provide all meals.

Well mom replied and boy did she vent out her frustrations with me and daycare providers in general. Overall, I got the impression that she didn't like the lack of control that she feels when other people are caring for her children.

If I felt that she was making sense, I would reason with her a bit, like suggesting that if she had a nanny she could call most of the shots then, but she wasn't even that calm. I'm not sure if she can see her lack of reason at all, and now I'm concerned about continuing to work with her.

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I think I would start looking to replace and if I could afford to term. I say this only because of her seeming to want to call all the shots. I wasn't in the conversation, but I would have probably told her she needed a nanny.

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Great job being flexible! You tried it, meals weren't vegan, you didn't see the need to continue. It's all well and good that dcm wants to feed her child, but it's a pain in the butt for you. Nanny or in home daycare where she can bring her own food

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So I was in the middle of writing mom a reply to the email. I was going to ask her to make sure that she really felt good about having her daughter in care here, and that I wouldn't want to keep caring for dkg if mom had bad feelings towards me and my policies. BUT THEN dad came to the door, because dcg had left her lunch bag here. !!!!

So I was able to talk with him about it all. I explained that to be able to keep doing this job I had to have policies that I can live with. It's a hard job--every family is different, my income is small compared with the hours I put in, etc etc. I also expressed to dad that I wanted them to make sure that they really felt good about being here, that I would totally understand if they needed to look elsewhere etc etc.

I feel really blessed on this. It had been a hard day with dcm so upset and all, and I wanted to handle it right. I guess now I need to see what mom does next. If she keeps being weird, though I don't think I can keep caring for dcg. Her choice, but I just don't want to hate my job. I know my limits.

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Well what response did you get from dad?

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don't you just love it how a parent will act like a 2yr old when they get a no.

Hey you were more than fair you gave her a yes, then took the yes away...lol so it was more like a maybe.

I would stick to your rules. I did special food only once and NEVER again will I do it. Same kind of thing. Parents claimed they were going full gluten free and it wasn't. It created issues with the other kids or the parent forgetting, so I ended it and boy was I happy when I did.

I would jsut tell the dcm,

Dear Cray-cray

I can see that you are very upset that we will not be able to accommodate your little peanut's personal lunches from home. Over the last several weeks we have come to realize that having peanut bring her own food from home is just not working out. While I understand that this may be upsetting to you, we need to do what is best for our program as a whole, because it did create a lot of unfair situations for the rest of the kids who did not get a yougurt or cheese in their lunch.

If you would like a true VEGAN meal plan, that does not include dairy, I will not be able to assist you. If you are looking for a vegetarian meal plan, that will include dairy, I can still provide meals for your peanut head by filling out the meal alternative form with your doctor.

Sorry I am not able to offer any other alternatives.

your provider who is the best in the world...Miss mom of2

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Dear cray cray oh my I laughed so hard at that daycare!!

I agree, just stick to what works for you and if she is not on board send cray cray packing!

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LOL Dear cray cray!! Needed a good laugh.

You won't believe the organic, vegan, blah blah's I encounter, it's the area I live in. I truly think it's funny when it's processed and packaged within an inch of it's life.

Cray mom obviously does not know what a vegan diet entails. Maybe you could give her some tips!

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BC taught me that word......lol

Yeah she's crazy if she thinks that is a VEGAN diet..

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Ha, ha, I just snorted with laughter when I read that, lol!

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Thriftylady: He just said he'd talk to his wife. He was calm and seemed to understand. Mom is much more emotional, and from what I picked up he takes all her feelings and concerns very seriously. She is sure lucky to have such a supportive husband. But he also seemed rational, so hopefully it will all calm down.

Thing is that I understand that it's hard when a mom feels conflicted because she wants to be nurturing and close to her children but she works. But I can only offer so much. I provide a great environment, safety, physical needs, patience, teaching etc etc. I just can't compensate for every single conflict in the families' lives. I can't be the third grandma, best friend, full-time servant or whatever people wish I would be. I can't mold myself to everyone's individual wishes. At least not for what I charge. I have to take care of my self too, and part of that is not trying to be responsible for everyones little personal problems. I'd lose myself if I tried to do that, and I need to keep it together for my own life, family, and problems.

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EXACTLY!!!!
You gave it a try which was more than I would have done. It sounds like mom is trying to do what she thinks is best and maintain some control over her lil 'peanut' (between cray-cray and peanut I was snorting coffee!) but she'll have to learn to let go a little bit and trust others with her child if she wants to work outside and leave her child in dc. It was hard for me to see my children off to school at every age because I no longer was part of their world 24/7, KWIM? If she doesn't trust you enough to let go it's not a good fit. I assume this is their 1st child. Maybe a better option for dcm is to stay home with her child until they're school aged.
I know you didn't ask BUT if it were me and dcm chose not to term but stick it out with you, I think I'd give them 1 more chance and then term them, stating it's clearly not a good fit. When she went off on you like that, she entered the thin ice zone.

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I am glad dad seemed to listen. I totally agree that there is only so much we can do in group care. And mommy guilt is one of those things we can't fix. I would have been pretty upset the first day the vegan lunch showed up and wasn't vegan!

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Bottom line is that you provide all meals and snacks.She picked your program knowing that.I made parents prove an allergy if they wanted a special food request. Now I would tell mom one more chance .I had a friend who gave parents a list of approved snacks -cheese sticks ,yogurt,crackers fruit. They were welcome to bring any item on list for all the children.They seemed to feel in control .She then still used it to count towards her meal program meals. I usually gave each family one crazy rant before terming.If any more rants I would term.

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Totes cray-cray!

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Best thread ever! Lol!

In all seriousness though, have you read nannyde's book? She is the mom that wants to be a stay at home mom but doesn't want the responsability of being home with her child. So she is going to live vicariously through you with control. I am having this situation right now too. Just be strong and stick to you rules. You will feel so much better in the end about it.

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That makes so much sense. Yeah...make a choice dcm. But I can't deal with being micromanaged. I have my rules for a reason!

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I was closed this morning due to an appointment, so I'll have to see how things go tomorrow.

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This morning I ended up deciding that things probably wouldn't work out with this family. To me the things that mom said in her email were a way of thinking that were very different from how I see things, and I couldn't see any way to turn it around.

Like when mom wrote that she had felt "beyond frustrated at feeling under the thumb of the daycare providers" that she'd worked with over the years (with her older kids too). And also that her email had a long list of imagined insults that she thought I was giving her.

So I was thinking that unless she apologized this morning, I wouldn't be able to keep working with her.

But dcg never came. Mom texted and said that dcg wouldn't be here today, and probably wasn't coming ever again. And I feel like it's for the best. I will just send mom her final statement (no need to collect $, I get paid in advance) and my EIN number for taxes.

But I sure am surprised that my position is so hard for her to understand. I think most of us feel like "good fences make good neighbors" and that about sums up why I have policies for my daycare. I guess she doesn't see things quite that way. She just felt like I was being unreasonable.

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I would send her a "termination of services" letter and let it go at that. That way she knows the child isn't coming back no matter what.

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Im sorry this worked out the way it did.

In a way though I'm not sorry.... you stood your ground and that is important because you have to like your job to do your job well and although it's hard to get parents to understand what group care really means (we simply cannot cater to individual needs, requests etc) I think that many parents get their first real world lesson in parenting when they are told "No, your child is not the ONLY special child in class". That lesson is important.

I think alot of parents feel that since they pay us directly they should have more control over the decisions we make in regards to their child but truth be told their child is part of a bigger community and the ONLY choice a parent has in regards to group care is whether they can agree and live by the rules the provider has in place or not.

If they can't then they need to decide to not enroll and it looks like this family did exactly that. It doesn't mean either or you were right or wrong, it just means that you both learned a valuable lesson about what's important to you and what you will or wont put up with.

It's kind of like when your child goes to Kindergarten and you suddenly realize that your child has a life beyond you and that although you feel like your kid is the ONLY kid that matters, you see all the other kindy mom's with the same scared look on their faces and understand, I mean truly understand that you wont always be able to control everything your child does and everything your child is fed, told, exposed to, etc.... It's frightening for a mother to have to let go a little bit but as a parent, we all have to do it.

Kudos for standing your ground though! That's awesome!

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Telling people no sometimes leads to this. But I wouldn't think twice about her terming. Honestly from what you have posted about it, I bet you were considering it anyway. I mean if she really felt that way about you, you don't want to deal with her anyway. I hope you replace quickly.

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Sounds like from her experiences of being under the thumbs of daycare providers, maybe it's time she stayed home and did it herself.
You'll find someone easier to work with!

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