Daycare.com ForumDaycare Insurance Daycare Insurance LIST YOUR DAYCARE!

FIND A DAYCARE!

Facebook


Go Back   Daycare.com Forum > Main Category > Daycare Center and Family Home Forum

Daycare Center and Family Home Forum Daycare Center and Family Home owners, Directors, Operators and Assistants should post and ask questions here.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-31-2012, 11:28 AM
CoachingForQualityImprovement's Avatar
CoachingForQualityImprovement CoachingForQualityImprovement is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3,722
Default Five Reasons Not To Say "Good Job"

The "you got a gold star for what?" thread prompted me to share this with you all, and I couldn't agree more:

(it's long, but good)

YOUNG CHILDREN

September 2001


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"

By Alfie Kohn

NOTE: An abridged version of this article was published in Parents magazine in May 2000 with the title "Hooked on Praise." For a more detailed look at the issues discussed here -- as well as a comprehensive list of citations to relevant research -- please see the books Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting.


Para leer este artículo en Español, haga clic aquí.




Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child’s birthday party, and there’s one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: "Good job!" Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together ("Good clapping!"). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic.

Plenty of books and articles advise us against relying on punishment, from spanking to forcible isolation ("time out"). Occasionally someone will even ask us to rethink the practice of bribing children with stickers or food. But you’ll have to look awfully hard to find a discouraging word about what is euphemistically called positive reinforcement.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, the point here is not to call into question the importance of supporting and encouraging children, the need to love them and hug them and help them feel good about themselves. Praise, however, is a different story entirely. Here's why.

1. Manipulating children. Suppose you offer a verbal reward to reinforce the behavior of a two-year-old who eats without spilling, or a five-year-old who cleans up her art supplies. Who benefits from this? Is it possible that telling kids they’ve done a good job may have less to do with their emotional needs than with our convenience?

Rheta DeVries, a professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, refers to this as "sugar-coated control." Very much like tangible rewards – or, for that matter, punishments – it’s a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes. It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it’s very different from working with kids – for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done -- or failed to do. The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people.

The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience. A "Good job!" to reinforce something that makes our lives a little easier can be an example of taking advantage of children’s dependence. Kids may also come to feel manipulated by this, even if they can’t quite explain why.

2. Creating praise junkies. To be sure, not every use of praise is a calculated tactic to control children’s behavior. Sometimes we compliment kids just because we’re genuinely pleased by what they’ve done. Even then, however, it’s worth looking more closely. Rather than bolstering a child’s self-esteem, praise may increase kids’ dependence on us. The more we say, "I like the way you…." or "Good ______ing," the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.

Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice ("Um, seven?"). They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students.

In short, "Good job!" doesn’t reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK. Surely this is not what we want for our daughters and sons.

3. Stealing a child’s pleasure. Apart from the issue of dependence, a child deserves to take delight in her accomplishments, to feel pride in what she’s learned how to do. She also deserves to decide when to feel that way. Every time we say, "Good job!", though, we’re telling a child how to feel.

To be sure, there are times when our evaluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary -- especially with toddlers and preschoolers. But a constant stream of value judgments is neither necessary nor useful for children’s development. Unfortunately, we may not have realized that "Good job!" is just as much an evaluation as "Bad job!" The most notable feature of a positive judgment isn’t that it’s positive, but that it’s a judgment. And people, including kids, don’t like being judged.

I cherish the occasions when my daughter manages to do something for the first time, or does something better than she’s ever done it before. But I try to resist the knee-jerk tendency to say, "Good job!" because I don’t want to dilute her joy. I want her to share her pleasure with me, not look to me for a verdict. I want her to exclaim, "I did it!" (which she often does) instead of asking me uncertainly, "Was that good?"

4. Losing interest. "Good painting!" may get children to keep painting for as long as we keep watching and praising. But, warns Lilian Katz, one of the country’s leading authorities on early childhood education, "once attention is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again." Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a "Good job!"

In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Every time they had heard "Good sharing!" or "I’m so proud of you for helping," they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end.

Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that’s often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise.

5. Reducing achievement. As if it weren’t bad enough that "Good job!" can undermine independence, pleasure, and interest, it can also interfere with how good a job children actually do. Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task – and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.

Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to "keep up the good work" that gets in the way of doing so. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks – a prerequisite for creativity – once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming.

More generally, "Good job!" is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors. For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise, or as a way of making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future.

*
Once you start to see praise for what it is – and what it does – these constant little evaluative eruptions from adults start to produce the same effect as fingernails being dragged down a blackboard. You begin to root for a child to give his teachers or parents a taste of their own treacle by turning around to them and saying (in the same saccharine tone of voice), "Good praising!"

Still, it’s not an easy habit to break. It can seem strange, at least at first, to stop praising; it can feel as though you’re being chilly or withholding something. But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it. Whenever that’s true, it’s time to rethink what we’re doing.

What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us.

This point, you’ll notice, is very different from a criticism that some people offer to the effect that we give kids too much approval, or give it too easily. They recommend that we become more miserly with our praise and demand that kids "earn" it. But the real problem isn’t that children expect to be praised for everything they do these days. It’s that we’re tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of explaining and helping them to develop needed skills and good values.

So what’s the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they’ve done. When unconditional support is present, "Good job!" isn’t necessary; when it’s absent, "Good job!" won’t help.

If we’re praising positive actions as a way of discouraging misbehavior, this is unlikely to be effective for long. Even when it works, we can’t really say the child is now "behaving himself"; it would be more accurate to say the praise is behaving him. The alternative is to work with the child, to figure out the reasons he’s acting that way. We may have to reconsider our own requests rather than just looking for a way to get kids to obey. (Instead of using "Good job!" to get a four-year-old to sit quietly through a long class meeting or family dinner, perhaps we should ask whether it’s reasonable to expect a child to do so.)

We also need to bring kids in on the process of making decisions. If a child is doing something that disturbs others, then sitting down with her later and asking, "What do you think we can do to solve this problem?" will likely be more effective than bribes or threats. It also helps a child learn how to solve problems and teaches that her ideas and feelings are important. Of course, this process takes time and talent, care and courage. Tossing off a "Good job!" when the child acts in the way we deem appropriate takes none of those things, which helps to explain why "doing to" strategies are a lot more popular than "working with" strategies.

And what can we say when kids just do something impressive? Consider three possible responses:

* Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be "reinforced" because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary.

* Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your shoes on by yourself" or even just "You did it") tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!"

If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: "Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack." This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing

* Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking "What was the hardest part to draw?" or "How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?" is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying "Good job!", as we’ve seen, may have exactly the opposite effect.

This doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you’s, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child’s future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so. Are our reactions helping the child to feel a sense of control over her life -- or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right – or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head

It’s not a matter of memorizing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long-term goals for our children and watching for the effects of what we say. The bad news is that the use of positive reinforcement really isn’t so positive. The good news is that you don’t have to evaluate in order to encourage.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Copyright © 2001 by Alfie Kohn. This article may be downloaded, reproduced, and distributed without permission as long as each copy includes this notice along with citation information (i.e., name of the periodical in which it originally appeared, date of publication, and author's name). Permission must be obtained in order to reprint this article in a published work or in order to offer it for sale in any form. Please write to the address indicated on the Contact page at www.alfiekohn.org.





www.alfiekohn.org -- © Alfie Kohn
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-31-2012, 11:31 AM
JenNJ's Avatar
JenNJ JenNJ is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Burbank
Posts: 1,197
Default

Great article. My son came home with a prize from the "Prize Box" in his kindergarten class yesterday. The reason for the prize -- he answered a question correctly. Ugh! I was so irritated!!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-31-2012, 11:33 AM
Meyou's Avatar
Meyou Meyou is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,641
Default

Great article! I've been trying very hard the past few months to stop praising so much and trying other things. It's hard!! My go to has been, "You did it by yourself!" which I don't know is much better but it's certainly encouraged them to keep trying.

ETA: the other thing I've been doing is to comment on what they've done. Like if they want praise for a great block tower I say,"Wow, that tower is sooo tall!" instead of good job or nice tower.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-31-2012, 11:35 AM
Blackcat31's Avatar
Blackcat31 Blackcat31 is offline
Daycare.com Member/Mod
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 13,794
Default

great article! I love that publication too! (Young Children)
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-31-2012, 11:54 AM
Heidi's Avatar
Heidi Heidi is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 5,816
Default

I read this once before recently, and agree with the idea that praise is overused at times.

I will say for the record, though, that I am with full knowledge going to continue manipulating my particular little group with praise! It's all I've got, man!

I understand all about intrinsic motivation. But, I have no problem at all with children WANTING to please the adults around them. I believe that there is a hierarchy here, and that is the way it should be. My children (dc or otherwise) are my emotional equal, meaning they have the right to their feelings and thoughts. But I have 45 years of experience on the lot of them, so they are not my "equals" in every way. I will use whatever "tools" I have to teach them acceptable behavior until they are able to understand on their own.

Toddlers don't have an innate sense of right and wrong; they need to be taught it. Somewhere along the line, they internalize those messages, and no longer need be "manipulated", as Alfie suggests.

Sorry, Cystal, maybe I am taking the tone of the article the wrong way???
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-31-2012, 12:15 PM
Ariana's Avatar
Ariana Ariana is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,242
Default

Love it!! Read the book too and it's so wonderful. If more parents could get on board with this idea we wouldn't have so many self entitled kids running around expecting praise for every little thing.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-31-2012, 12:19 PM
Ariana's Avatar
Ariana Ariana is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,242
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbo View Post
I read this once before recently, and agree with the idea that praise is overused at times.

I will say for the record, though, that I am with full knowledge going to continue manipulating my particular little group with praise! It's all I've got, man!

I understand all about intrinsic motivation. But, I have no problem at all with children WANTING to please the adults around them. I believe that there is a hierarchy here, and that is the way it should be. My children (dc or otherwise) are my emotional equal, meaning they have the right to their feelings and thoughts. But I have 45 years of experience on the lot of them, so they are not my "equals" in every way. I will use whatever "tools" I have to teach them acceptable behavior until they are able to understand on their own.

Toddlers don't have an innate sense of right and wrong; they need to be taught it. Somewhere along the line, they internalize those messages, and no longer need be "manipulated", as Alfie suggests.

Sorry, Cystal, maybe I am taking the tone of the article the wrong way???
I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds like you don't understand what the article is trying to say. He's not eliminating praise he's making it more meaningful. I'm confused by your statement!!

We are still teaching them right from wrong
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-31-2012, 12:24 PM
Heidi's Avatar
Heidi Heidi is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 5,816
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariana View Post
I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds like you don't understand what the article is trying to say. He's not eliminating praise he's making it more meaningful. I'm confused by your statement!!

We are still teaching them right from wrong
I know you wouldn't be rude, Ariana!

I figured I was probably taking it the wrong way, or reading something into it that wasn't there....
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-31-2012, 12:33 PM
Ariana's Avatar
Ariana Ariana is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,242
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbo View Post
I know you wouldn't be rude, Ariana!

I figured I was probably taking it the wrong way, or reading something into it that wasn't there....
Well I definately try not to be rude but with the internet you never know how things come across!! Have you read the book yet? Maybe you need to be more open minded so it makes more sense? I'm not sure

There are going to be people that disagree with him so maybe you just disagree which is fine too, i just wouldn't want you to disagree but miss his point because you don't fully understand what he's saying.

I watched a documentary once where a high school was so worried about their students poor grades they started offering $$ to go to class and get good grades. At the end, the person who got the best grades got a limo ride to grad and all expenses paid for a meal at a restaurant for all their friends etc. Everyone thought this was gonna work and all the teachers were so excited. At the end of the year none of the grades had changed. They changed in the beginning but slowly went back to normal because the work wasn't worth the $$ being paid to the students. I wish I could remember the name of it!!!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-31-2012, 12:42 PM
Heidi's Avatar
Heidi Heidi is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 5,816
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariana View Post
Well I definately try not to be rude but with the internet you never know how things come across!! Have you read the book yet? Maybe you need to be more open minded so it makes more sense? I'm not sure

There are going to be people that disagree with him so maybe you just disagree which is fine too, i just wouldn't want you to disagree but miss his point because you don't fully understand what he's saying.

I watched a documentary once where a high school was so worried about their students poor grades they started offering $$ to go to class and get good grades. At the end, the person who got the best grades got a limo ride to grad and all expenses paid for a meal at a restaurant for all their friends etc. Everyone thought this was gonna work and all the teachers were so excited. At the end of the year none of the grades had changed. They changed in the beginning but slowly went back to normal because the work wasn't worth the $$ being paid to the students. I wish I could remember the name of it!!!

Oh I TOTALLY agree with that part of it. I have 2 kids on a sticker system that their mom insisted on, and I HATE it.

No, the part that I hyper-focused on was the where he suggested we are manipulating the children with our praise. I agree that we are, I just don't think that it's wrong to do it. Specifically, when it comes to behaviors.

I also agree that it's better to say "tell me about your picture" or "you used a lot of different colors" than "WOW, THIS SHOULD HANG IN THE GUGGENHEIM< YOU ARE AN AMAZING ARTIST!"...lol....
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 01-31-2012, 01:03 PM
SilverSabre25's Avatar
SilverSabre25 SilverSabre25 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Where I am legally unlicensed ;), USA
Posts: 7,439
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbo View Post
Oh I TOTALLY agree with that part of it. I have 2 kids on a sticker system that their mom insisted on, and I HATE it.

No, the part that I hyper-focused on was the where he suggested we are manipulating the children with our praise. I agree that we are, I just don't think that it's wrong to do it. Specifically, when it comes to behaviors.

I also agree that it's better to say "tell me about your picture" or "you used a lot of different colors" than "WOW, THIS SHOULD HANG IN THE GUGGENHEIM< YOU ARE AN AMAZING ARTIST!"...lol....
I thought it was nuts too...

...until it percolated in my brain for a few months and one day I suddenly noticed what a little praise-junkie my DD had become. She wanted praise for EVERYTHING. She would do NOTHING without being cheered on. She LOOKED for the praise. She CRAVED that attention and recognition.

So for just a week, I tried making more meaningful statements about things she drew, I tried making observational statements about what I saw her doing, I tried urging her to be proud of herself.

And she changed. It took time, she was confused at first (she was pretty young) but she changed...she became proud of her own work. She praised her own work. Sometimes I would ask her before saying something, "Look at that picture you drew! How do you feel about it?" and she would actually tell me, "I don't like it. I'm going to draw another one."

She stopped seeking out that recognition for everything. I loved looking at her pictures, for example, and really studying them to find something meaningful to comment on.

I still thank her for helping pick up. I still praise her for a job well done--when it's really over and above the call of duty. I let her know that I notice and appreciate what she did or is doing.

it's not so much about not praising...it's about changing the way we praise, changing the reasons and especially the language.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-31-2012, 01:05 PM
daycare's Avatar
daycare daycare is online now
Advanced Daycare.com Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Mars
Posts: 12,087
Default

I guess I never realized how much I say wow great job or wonderful, I’m so proud of you.

I read the article before we went out for a nature hike. a very short one at that...lol

I think I caught myself saying those words more than I have toes and fingers.

I really need to learn to say what I saw....and find different ways to go about this.

One of the moms has asked me to start a sticker chart with her child. I don't agree in them. I have not yet gotten back to mom on it just yet..

I would like it to be the other way around.

Daily we will have special time...maybe get to watch a you tube video, play on our educational video game, play with something cool alone, like play dough or something else?? I need to think about it still.

You get to participate as long as you don't lose your special privileges.

Does this sound like the right way to do it?
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-31-2012, 01:49 PM
Blackcat31's Avatar
Blackcat31 Blackcat31 is offline
Daycare.com Member/Mod
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 13,794
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25 View Post
I thought it was nuts too...

...until it percolated in my brain for a few months and one day I suddenly noticed what a little praise-junkie my DD had become. She wanted praise for EVERYTHING. She would do NOTHING without being cheered on. She LOOKED for the praise. She CRAVED that attention and recognition.

So for just a week, I tried making more meaningful statements about things she drew, I tried making observational statements about what I saw her doing, I tried urging her to be proud of herself.

And she changed. It took time, she was confused at first (she was pretty young) but she changed...she became proud of her own work. She praised her own work. Sometimes I would ask her before saying something, "Look at that picture you drew! How do you feel about it?" and she would actually tell me, "I don't like it. I'm going to draw another one."

She stopped seeking out that recognition for everything. I loved looking at her pictures, for example, and really studying them to find something meaningful to comment on.

I still thank her for helping pick up. I still praise her for a job well done--when it's really over and above the call of duty. I let her know that I notice and appreciate what she did or is doing.

it's not so much about not praising...it's about changing the way we praise, changing the reasons and especially the language.
Nice post Silver! Great example of how we do things is as important as why.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-31-2012, 08:47 PM
Mary Poppins's Avatar
Mary Poppins Mary Poppins is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 399
Default

I think the gist of this article is why I've been procrastinating with using "behavior charts" even though I bought them (along with the shiny stickers!) a few weeks ago. It just feels like the wrong thing to do, even though it seems to be the common thing teachers and parents use to encourage positive behavior in kids.

I've been struggling with it since I got them. I put the kid's names at the top and put them back in the drawer. I've even mentioned to dcf's that we would be using them, but never have done it. Ugh.

It just seems SO POINTLESS. Kids nowadays seem to derive no joy in getting a star on a chart when they have every material thing they could possibly want (but could really care less about) waiting at home.

It sounds terrible and I would never really wish this on our society, but sometimes I think this country needs another "Great Depression" to teach us ALL what it means to appreciate things and one another.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 02-01-2012, 02:11 AM
Meyou's Avatar
Meyou Meyou is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,641
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25 View Post
I thought it was nuts too...

...until it percolated in my brain for a few months and one day I suddenly noticed what a little praise-junkie my DD had become. She wanted praise for EVERYTHING. She would do NOTHING without being cheered on. She LOOKED for the praise. She CRAVED that attention and recognition.

So for just a week, I tried making more meaningful statements about things she drew, I tried making observational statements about what I saw her doing, I tried urging her to be proud of herself.

And she changed. It took time, she was confused at first (she was pretty young) but she changed...she became proud of her own work. She praised her own work. Sometimes I would ask her before saying something, "Look at that picture you drew! How do you feel about it?" and she would actually tell me, "I don't like it. I'm going to draw another one."

She stopped seeking out that recognition for everything. I loved looking at her pictures, for example, and really studying them to find something meaningful to comment on.

I still thank her for helping pick up. I still praise her for a job well done--when it's really over and above the call of duty. I let her know that I notice and appreciate what she did or is doing.

it's not so much about not praising...it's about changing the way we praise, changing the reasons and especially the language.
This really hit home for me and I love how things are going with your dd. My biggest change here was a DCG that has gone from constantly saying, "Look at me!!!!!!!" to "I did it!!!" It was a huge change for me and for her. She couldn't do anything without an audience before, not the smallest thing.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 02-01-2012, 05:37 AM
SilverSabre25's Avatar
SilverSabre25 SilverSabre25 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Where I am legally unlicensed ;), USA
Posts: 7,439
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyou View Post
This really hit home for me and I love how things are going with your dd. My biggest change here was a DCG that has gone from constantly saying, "Look at me!!!!!!!" to "I did it!!!" It was a huge change for me and for her. She couldn't do anything without an audience before, not the smallest thing.
Yes!! That's a huge difference!

It's been at least 2 years since I changed my tune with DD and she is VERY proud of her own accomplishments, and that is wonderful.

I also use "You did it!" as a "word of praise" and I love to see their faces light up as they realize that they did in fact do it!

"Wow, look at that!"
"This is interesting, why did you do it that way?"
"I see you used lots of colors."
"You did it! That's something to be proud of!"
"Do you like it?"
"You worked so hard on this."
"I can tell you are very happy about it!"
"Thank you for picking up the playroom, I really appreciate it."
"I noticed you give Dave a hug after you accidentally knocked over his tower, that was very nice."
"That's exactly right!"
"That's the right thing to do."
"It feel good to work so hard on something, doesn't it?"

There are many, many ways to praise kids.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 02-01-2012, 06:24 AM
countrymom's Avatar
countrymom countrymom is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 4,756
Default

I hate behavior charts, heck any charts. Why should I give stickers out because you peed in the pot, thats something I expect from a child (when they are ready) Can you imagine when they get older, some of these kids are going to be waiting for their bosses to clap their hands when they do good.
I do compliment my kids, but not just for it. Like yesterday my ds drew this really good picture (first I asked him if he drew it) and then I told him what a good picture it was, then he went on to explain how the next picture took him forever to do but he was so proud of it. I'm not saying "not to praise" but I think its the excessive praising that is getting out of hand.
also, we shouldn't have to praise for behavior we expect from children, but thats what people are doing now. And I think thats where the issues are becoming conflicting.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 02-01-2012, 08:43 AM
My3cents's Avatar
My3cents My3cents is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 2,766
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbo View Post
Oh I TOTALLY agree with that part of it. I have 2 kids on a sticker system that their mom insisted on, and I HATE it.

No, the part that I hyper-focused on was the where he suggested we are manipulating the children with our praise. I agree that we are, I just don't think that it's wrong to do it. Specifically, when it comes to behaviors.

I also agree that it's better to say "tell me about your picture" or "you used a lot of different colors" than "WOW, THIS SHOULD HANG IN THE GUGGENHEIM< YOU ARE AN AMAZING ARTIST!"...lol....
I do both so what does that make me....

I usually say, good job, I like how you used the green to make your tree so bright and lovely. Or, I might say......Your rainbow has so many colors, you did a nice job, it looks like you had fun painting such a beautiful picture and I love the birds too, Good Job I like to talk to the littles......a lot.

I see both side to this and agree with both. I say use what works best for you and your little group or big group. I don't want to be asking myself every time I say something........... should I say this or is this going to hurt the welfare of this child in his or her future.... especially if I am using positives. Good article and good points. Thanks for sharing.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 02-01-2012, 08:48 AM
youretooloud's Avatar
youretooloud youretooloud is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The desert.
Posts: 1,958
Default

I say "Good Job!" all the time. Even if they say "look at me"... I say something stupid like "oh, good job".

It IS like a verbal tic... I need to stop it. I say it without thinking. It's like "go play".
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 02-01-2012, 10:15 AM
snbauser's Avatar
snbauser snbauser is online now
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 1,211
Default

I love the article. I try to not say "good job" very often. I try to focus on the actual task or something specific. I am working on getting my teachers to do the same. We have one girl (a 4 y/o) in particular here that is an "all about me" child. She is an only child at home and is daddy's little princess and is treated as such. She is so used to getting praised on everything she does that she can't do anything without it. A perfect example was the heartbroken look on her face one day last week. The kids were at the table with paper and markers. She drew a picture and asked the little boy next to her "Isn't my picture beautiful?" His response - "no, I don't like it." Her response "Ms. Sonya, C says he doesn't like my picture." Now granted his response may not have been nice, but he is 4 too. And not everyone is going to like everything she does. I told her that it didn't matter if C liked her picture. I asked her if she liked it. She said yes, and I told her that was all that mattered. It's moments like this that really make you see how constant praise can do more harm than good.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
article, power of suggestion, rude

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
For What Reasons Would You Term A Child strawberryslc17 Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 1 06-21-2012 03:22 PM
Awesome Interview Ends With "Well, If I Get The Job".... DaisyMamma Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 20 06-16-2012 08:44 PM
Reasons Cookie Cutter Crafts May Not Be The Best? SunflowerMama Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 23 03-02-2011 05:46 PM
Do You Accept Children "for Socialization" Reasons? Pros/Cons? ninosqueridos Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 32 08-08-2010 07:48 PM
Reasons to get licensed? michellezearfoss@hotmail. Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 3 11-23-2008 06:16 PM


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:04 PM.



Daycare.com         Find A Daycare         List Your Daycare         Toys & Products                 About Us

Daycare.com
Please read our Disclaimer before continuing.

Topics pertain mainly to the following States:

Alabama Alaska Arizona Arkansas California Colorado Connecticut Delaware District of Columbia Florida Georgia Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Minnesota Mississippi Missouri Montana Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah Vermont Virginia Washington West Virginia Wisconsin Wyoming