Manners Means Optional?

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I have one child that will not listen to anything with the words "please" or "thank you" in them.

"Please use your walking feet!" is ignored as is "Please do not run!"
If I say, "No running!" the child stops.

I feel rude. Yelling (in a nice voice, but loud enough for the child to hear me), "No running!" just feels embarrassing as we're going down the street.

Has anyone ever dealt with a child that doesn't respond to manners??? Do I use both phrases at the same time? "Please do not run! No running!"

[MizzCheryl]

Originally Posted by LCLC

I have one child that will not listen to anything with the words "please" or "thank you" in them.

"Please use your walking feet!" is ignored as is "Please do not run!"
If I say, "No running!" the child stops.

I feel rude. Yelling (in a nice voice, but loud enough for the child to hear me), "No running!" just feels embarrassing as we're going down the street.

Has anyone ever dealt with a child that doesn't respond to manners??? Do I use both phrases at the same time? "Please do not run! No running!"

I know!
I am always Saying :Please walk!!"

"PLEASE walk!!!"


!!!!WALK!!!!

LOL then my little angel says Say please and I will

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I'm ALL about manners and respect. I just feel like I'm barking, and it's awkward. It truly is. When people walk by, I feel like the grouch. It's ONLY this child.

[MizzCheryl]

Originally Posted by LCLC

I'm ALL about manners and respect. I just feel like I'm barking, and it's awkward. It truly is. When people walk by, I feel like the grouch. It's ONLY this child.

I know what you mean. I am just not a stern person and I really Hate when I have to get stern.
Some kids will not listen to a nice request. I don't know what it is. I am very tender hearted. I hate sounding like a grouch. It jsut isn't me.
My husband tells me some kids need a stern caregiver. But I am no good at it.
I have one that will not listen so I tell her once then I say "Go to time out" And I make her go. Once she realized I meant business she got it.
She is starting to listen alot better. And I didn't have to get grumpy sounding.

With some kids that doesn't work.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Originally Posted by Clueless

I know what you mean. I am just not a stern person and I really Hate when I have to get stern.
Some kids will not listen to a nice request. I don't know what it is. I am very tender hearted. I hate sounding like a grouch. It jsut isn't me.
My husband tells me some kids need a stern caregiver. But I am no good at it.
I have one that will not listen so I tell her once then I say "Go to time out" And I make her go. Once she realized I meant business she got it.
She is starting to listen alot better. And I didn't have to get grumpy sounding.

With some kids that doesn't work.

If it's clean up time in the Preschool, I repeat myself 3-4 times (sometimes placing my hand on her back as I say it to draw attention to the fact that I'm talking) before the child actually moves to start cleaning up/helping to clean up.
I don't have to be grouchy in this instance, since it's not a dangerous situation.

I don't get it. I don't know that time out would even help. I've never used time out here before.

[MizzCheryl]

Originally Posted by LCLC

If it's clean up time in the Preschool, I repeat myself 3-4 times (sometimes placing my hand on her back as I say it to draw attention to the fact that I'm talking) before the child actually moves to start cleaning up/helping to clean up.
I don't have to be grouchy in this instance, since it's not a dangerous situation.

I don't get it. I don't know that time out would even help. I've never used time out here before.

So do you think she hears you?
or is she preoccupied?
or is she ignorging you?
or does she not understand?

My lil angel hears me and chooses not to do as I asked her to do.
Since I am the one that is here to to make sure everyone is safe and does what they are supposed to do I have to make sure she understands that.

I give her a clear choice. Then I let her choose.
You can help us clean up NOW or you can sit in time out and then clean up your share after your time out.
She is 3 and highly intelligent, she can clean up.
Otherwise I say it 15 times and she does not clean up.

[Solandia]

I do not repeat instructions. I ask nicely, while looking the child in the eyes, once...then I do "it" for them or (depending on the instruction & my goal with that instruction) move on to the next activity. No escalating tone or volume or cajoling. No power struggles.

Because you are repeating your instructions, the child is testing YOU to see if/when you really mean it. Well, I mean it from the first request 100% of the time.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Originally Posted by Clueless

So do you think she hears you?
or is she preoccupied?
or is she ignorging you?
or does she not understand?

My lil angel hears me and chooses not to do as I asked her to do.
Since I am the one that is here to to make sure everyone is safe and does what they are supposed to do I have to make sure she understands that.

I give her a clear choice. Then I let her choose.
You can help us clean up NOW or you can sit in time out and then clean up your share after your time out.
She is 3 and highly intelligent, she can clean up.
Otherwise I say it 15 times and she does not clean up.

She ignores quite well. She is nearly 4.

[Heidi]

I do have another perspective on this:

Please to me does imply choice. Please pass the ketchup, for instance.

It's really more honest to say "I want you to...." in a kind but firm voice. YOU want her to stop standing on the furniture. YOU are the leader, and she is expected to comply.

I try to say "use your walking feet" or "chairs are for sitting on" the 1st time. The 2nd time, it's "I want you to walk". The third time, you're holding my hand now and the conversation is over!

[MizzCheryl]

Originally Posted by bbo

I do have another perspective on this:

Please to me does imply choice. Please pass the ketchup, for instance.

It's really more honest to say "I want you to...." in a kind but firm voice. YOU want her to stop standing on the furniture. YOU are the leader, and she is expected to comply.

I try to say "use your walking feet" or "chairs are for sitting on" the 1st time. The 2nd time, it's "I want you to walk". The third time, you're holding my hand now and the conversation is over!

Cool. I am doing this

I have to keep my eye open for new ways to handle things all the time

[Crystal]

I agree with BBO. If you don't want something to be a choice, don't make it a choice.

My group is well aware that they are not to run in the house. Still, they do it occasionally. When they do, I make it simple and to the point. I look them straight in the eye and, in a firm but friendly tone, say "Walk in the house" It states exactly what is expected. They know if they continue the running, they will have a sit down activity of their choice so there is no option to run in the house. I RARELY have to make anyone sit though.

I do the same thing for everything that is EXPECTED of them "Sit on the chair" "Sit down with your scissors" etc. If they repeat the undesirable behavior they lose whatever privilege they are taking advanatge of.

[Kaddidle Care]

Try putting the Please on the end!

" WALK, please" Or "(name) Walk, please.

Sometimes it's all in the way you say it. Some children with learning or auditory issues only hear the first word.

I also had a child that responded well to positive reinforcement but...

If I said "Johnny, pick up the blocks and you can have a sticker" it wouldn't be done.

If I said "Johnny, You can have a sticker if you pick up the blocks he would do it right away.

His name wasn't Johnny but he was an interesting child.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Crystal

I agree with BBO. If you don't want something to be a choice, don't make it a choice.

My group is well aware that they are not to run in the house. Still, they do it occasionally. When they do, I make it simple and to the point. I look them straight in the eye and, in a firm but friendly tone, say "Walk in the house" It states exactly what is expected. They know if they continue the running, they will have a sit down activity of their choice so there is no option to run in the house. I RARELY have to make anyone sit though.

I do the same thing for everything that is EXPECTED of them "Sit on the chair" "Sit down with your scissors" etc. If they repeat the undesirable behavior they lose whatever privilege they are taking advanatge of.

I agree. There are certain times where "please" is not added on purpose. When I am reminding them of a safety or non-negotiable rule, I never add the please.

However, when they comply I will say "thank you" but to me saying please is like asking and when it comes to those certain rules, I am NOT asking.

[snbauser]

Originally Posted by Kaddidle Care

Try putting the Please on the end!
Sometimes it's all in the way you say it. Some children with learning or auditory issues only hear the first word.

This was my first thought as well and what we do here.

[SilverSabre25]

Originally Posted by Blackcat31

I agree. There are certain times where "please" is not added on purpose. When I am reminding them of a safety or non-negotiable rule, I never add the please.

However, when they comply I will say "thank you" but to me saying please is like asking and when it comes to those certain rules, I am NOT asking.

Originally Posted by Crystal

I agree with BBO. If you don't want something to be a choice, don't make it a choice.

My group is well aware that they are not to run in the house. Still, they do it occasionally. When they do, I make it simple and to the point. I look them straight in the eye and, in a firm but friendly tone, say "Walk in the house" It states exactly what is expected. They know if they continue the running, they will have a sit down activity of their choice so there is no option to run in the house. I RARELY have to make anyone sit though.

I do the same thing for everything that is EXPECTED of them "Sit on the chair" "Sit down with your scissors" etc. If they repeat the undesirable behavior they lose whatever privilege they are taking advanatge of.

Originally Posted by bbo

I do have another perspective on this:

Please to me does imply choice. Please pass the ketchup, for instance.

It's really more honest to say "I want you to...." in a kind but firm voice. YOU want her to stop standing on the furniture. YOU are the leader, and she is expected to comply.

I try to say "use your walking feet" or "chairs are for sitting on" the 1st time. The 2nd time, it's "I want you to walk". The third time, you're holding my hand now and the conversation is over!

Those.

Only I usually say "I need..." instead of want because to me, want implies choice in a similar way to please. Especially when it's something I'm not negotiating. I'll also state it in a way that doesn't bring me into it at all (certain personalities turn that into a power struggle of your will against the strength of theirs)--"We walk in the house," "The clock says it's time to clean up," "I know you don't want to wash your hands, but that's what we are doing right now."