I wanted to use my forum here at daycare.com to tell you folks how much I appreciate working for you and how much I respect you.  You are a phenomenal group of individuals.

In these times, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find parents who are “doing it right”.  You guys are.  You are the parents who are leading the way and setting the example of how to raise children in the 21st Century.   Your friends, family, and co-workers admire you.  I do too.

I’ve learned so much from each of you.  You prove each day  that despite the distractions to modern parenting  you can uphold fundamental principles of raising quality human beings and do the hard work to make it happen.  It is hard work.

You do not take the easy way out.  You spend TIME with your children every day.  You are their primary caretaker.  Our role here is to continue your good work while you are away from your little ones.  Your insistence that your children be raised first by you is what makes my job a dream every day.  You are my partners and my leaders.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Your children are sweet, kind, gentle, respectful and loving.  Every day when I look out the window and watch them come up my front sidewalk I’m truly excited to see them and feel blessed that I get to be a part of another day in their life. 

I’d also like to thank you for the kindness you have shown my son, Beeks, and I.   The gifts,  year end bonuses, and extra paid time off this year were off the hook.   I’m humbled by your generosity.   It has made for a wonderful Christmas for my son and Beeks, and given us extra funds to add some new toys and supplies to the day care.

I wish you folks the happiest New Year and thank you for the many years of loyalty you have given to me and my business.  It’s because of you that I enjoy my work so much.

Your precious children are everything to me.  They are

my life,        

my heart,          

my joy.

With love from your Nan

Beat butter and sugars at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Add eggs and vanilla, beating until blended. Combine flour, soda, oats, and salt and gradually add to butter mixture. Stir by hand. Once the dough is wet and the oats completely stirred in, add chocolate chips. Don’t over-stir it. Just get everything wet.

Drop by tablespoonfuls (about the size of a half dollar… they don’t spread out too much) onto lightly greased baking sheets. Bake at 350 degrees for nine to eleven minutes. Bake on the second to the top shelf in the oven (the one that is one higher than the middle shelf). Put cookies on a paper sack or newspaper right out of the oven to cool.

This makes about five dozen cookies. You are going to love these. They are soft, chewey and stay fresh for days. They are about half healthy so you can feel half good about eating a half dozen at one time.

Clothing that fits: It’s very important to have clothing that fits for the walk. The shoes need to fit properly or you will have kids tumbling over. If they are too big they trip over the excess material at the toe. If they are too small they hurt their feet.

We require tennis shoes for the walk. We don’t allow any open toed shoes, flip flops, clogs, sandals, or crocs. I provide Keds Velcro shoes for all of my kids so the parents can send them in their favorite shoes without affecting our walk.

Make sure the pant legs on the kids don’t go below the ankle. I have had kids pants either be too long or droop down during a walk and had kids trip forward over their own pants. Also be aware that if the pants are too long and the weather is wet with wet leaves on the ground you can have the kids tripping on the slick leaves or sidewalk. We have also had kids who have tripped on the stairs indoors when the bottoms of their shoes and the wet material at the ankle come in contact with the wood stairs or carpeted stairs. Make sure you remove their shoes and roll up any wet on the bottom before they attempt the stairs.

Don’t allow too many rolls at the wrist. If there is a lot of material at the child’s wrist it can impede a good grip and wrist flexibility where the child is holding onto the stroller.

Their hats must fit flush onto their heads and face. If the cap of the hat starts to lower over their eyes it will affect their line of vision. You can tell from the back if their hat is falling forward because their heads naturally bend down to watch the sidewalk at their feet instead of the sidewalk ahead of them. Stop the stroller and adjust their hats.

Stray Dogs: Stray dogs are the bane of my existence. I seriously can’t BELIEVE how often we run into them when we have the kids out. We’ve had to develop a plan to deal with them because we can’t tell if they are friend or foe. We have to assume they are all a threat to the kids.

When we see one at a distance we just turn back towards the house. We want to be as close as possible to the house as we can in case we need to get the kids back inside quickly. If they approach us from nowhere we stand in between them and the kids and give them the death glare. We do not allow the kids to have any contact with them physically or verbally. If they persist we just bring the kids back in and call animal control to make a record of the situation.

One of my daycare Mom’s is a preschool teacher and she told me about having to carry key chain attached mace with her when she took her group out on walks outside of the school. She came across the situation many times also. I think it’s a great idea but I’m a little nervous about spraying mace around little kids so I haven’t used it before.
Driveways and blind spots: When you are pushing a long stroller and have kids up front a bit you have to remember that the front of the line kids will meet driveways before you do. Watch for cars backing up or cars coming off the street to turn into the driveways. You can’t always hear the motors running or hear the people getting in their vehicle. If there are hedges separating property lines they often block your view of the driveways. Don’t allow your lead kids to get too far ahead of you so you can check what’s going on in the driveways you are crossing. When we are completely unable to see the driveway except for the sidewalk part of it we bring the front kids back to the stroller and ease up as a group until the adult can double check and make sure there isn’t a car pulling out.

Be extra careful during garage sales. This is a perfect storm of driveway turning, distracted drivers, and people parking illegally to get to the closest spot near the sale. People have a tendency to drive past the yard sale and then turn their head backwards as they are checking out the goods. This leaves you with a driver looking the opposite way they are going and often making a quick decision to try to park without really looking at what’s going on around them.

Phones: Take your cell phone with you and keep a full list of all the numbers you need for the kids and police. Parents who haven’t dropped off yet can contact you to see where you are in the neighborhood and you can call for help if something happens.

Stroller break down: We’ve had this happen a few times and it can be very difficult to get the kids back to the house when you have a group of riders that can’t walk. Do routine checks on your stroller and pay attention to anything that is off on the steering or wheels. We’ve learned the HARD way that letting a little creek and pull on the stroller can turn into it breaking down blocks away from the house. If you can afford to have a spare stroller in storage it helps to have a full set of parts available to replace normal wear and tear. I purchased extra wheels and bolts for my main triple stroller and put them up. I also purchased an identical used stroller so I have everything I need to keep it running. The model I use isn’t being made anymore so it’s good to have it on hand.

Distracted drivers: I spoke about distracted garage sale drivers but you also must keep in mind about distracted cell phone drivers. In this day and age it’s very common for people to use their cell phones as they drive. We keep a watchful eye on cars coming our way. We prefer to walk on the side of the street opposite of the traffic direction. This way we can see what is coming at us. The lane we can’t see behind us is on the other side of the street.

We do a drill called “YARD” where we have trained the kids to bolt into the yard wherever we are whenever we shout the word. We train them to go up as far as possible into the yard in a split second. This techniques gives us a quick way to get as far away from the road as possible if we see a driver coming at us that is veering around in the street or driving recklessly.

The kids on the walk: We have a few basic rules of behavior on the walk that we look for to keep the kids from tripping.

We don’t allow them to walk with their hands in their pockets or to have their hands up to their mouths. They must have their arms down and swinging normally front to back. The reason we require this is that kids will go off of balance if they don’t keep that posture when they doing a long steady walk. If their hands are confined in their pockets they won’t be able to catch themselves when they trip and will fall face first. If their hands are up at their mouths they will fall inward towards the stroller when they trip. They need to have a natural walking position in order to maintain a steady pace and have everything going for them if they fall to protect their face and head.

We require them to walk face forward. We don’t allow them to move their body forward and have their heads turned backwards. It only takes a few steps of them not watching where they are going or their body going off balance and them falling forward, to the side, or into the stroller.

Lastly, you may have to deal with adults and children approaching your group when you are out. If you have a pack of kids and walk the same route daily you will find that neighbors will try to engage the kids. Many people out walking or walking their dogs want to stop and talk to them. I personally don’t like this so I discourage it as much as possible. I’m pretty Mama Bear when I have my kids and just want anyone I don’t know as far away from the kids as possible. We have had a few neighbors that have sat at the window waiting to see the kids every day and eventually started coming out. When we see a neighbor having an interest in the kids we just change routes.

My kids are dressed identically when they are out and there is a lot of them so we draw a crowd. My protective nature comes into play and I try to give off the “stay away from my young” vibe when I have them out. We often cross to the other side of the street if we see them coming from afar.

If someone comes out of their house towards the kids or comes along on the sidewalk, I make sure we stop and I get in between them and the kids. A stern body language with the matching face and a positioning of my body between theirs pretty much gives them the idea I DON’T WANT THEM NEAR MY KIDS!!!!!

It’s not that we are unfriendly…. It’s that I don’t trust anyone around them and I sure don’t want someone to have quick access to them. You never know when there’s someone out there who sees us every day who would have bad intentions. I want them to know with every interaction that I’m NOT PLAYIN and they best stay a distance from my babies. The ARE my world and I want them to be able to go out and about without any interference. I will do whatever it takes to protect them and keep them safe.

I hope this series helps you when learning how to take your kids out and gives you a few ideas to incorporate into your routine. The benefits of the daily walk are phenomenal. It’s a bunch of work… especially in the dead of winter when you have to do full winter gear… but it’s SO worth it. It’s a very high bonding time for the kids, sort of like it is when dogs or other animals travel in packs. The time they have to exercise and fellowship with each other out in nature brings peace and solidarity to the group when you bring them back in. It also helps their hunger drive. If you can time it every day before lunch you will have a group of hungry little ones when you get back!! A well exercised group with a full belly will give you a calm play time after lunch and a house full of sleeping babies at nap.

Load the babies in the stroller from back to front. Don’t put the heavier babies in the front seat first because it can topple the stroller forward.

Put the little babies as close to the adult as possible. You have to supervise them visually at all times so they keep their heads upright. Positional asphyxia can occur in a stroller seat as well as a car seat or a swing. You can use the little crescent moon inserts for car seats in your stroller to keep a young baby or newborns head from lobbing over.

Don’t let the babies use the arm rest to rest their heads. With normal bumping and going over sidewalk grades, you can end up with a baby having their head bounce up and down off the rail. If the baby leans over to the rail to suck on the rail you can have their teeth and mouth get cut if you go over a bump.

If you have seats with five point harnesses you shouldn’t have any problem with the kids leaning forward. Unfortunately, most multiple seat strollers don’t have attached five point harnesses. We use this item: http://www.amazon.com/Leachco-Sit-Secure-Seating-Noahs
Leachco Sit-n-Secure Safe Seating Wrap to keep the babies sitting upright in our three point harness strollers.

Keep an eye on the babies for kicking or pulling on the babies seat in front of them. If you have a baby that can’t resist the blonde hair of the baby in front of them you can put a mitted sweatshirt or mittens on them before the walk. With kicking you can put thick blankets at the feet in the stroller to soften the kicks. Triple strollers don’t have a ton of leg room between seats so the longer legged and taller baby will most likely need the front seat.

I don’t take toys for the babies on the walk. Fixed toys add another layer to get the kids loaded into the stroller. Loose toys get chucked out of the stroller and can trip the walking kids. We’ve tried it a few times but have ended up loosing toys, breaking toys, and having kids kick at the fixed toys across their laps. I’ve found it’s just best to have them ride and not play during the walk.

Check the babies body temperature when the weather is on the cooler or hotter ends of the spectrum for acceptable outdoor weather temperatures. A baby can get overheated easier than an older child and can chill quicker than the ones who are up walking. They aren’t generating heat by sitting so they get cooler faster. In the winter we use oversized footed pajamas to put over their clothes for extra layers of warmth. We also double sock them since they don’t normally have shoes when they are really little.

Take a first aid pack with you when you go out. We keep Kleenex and a Ziploc of wet wipes with us for clean ups. We keep extra blankets (for warmth or to put over the top of the stroller hoods to keep the sun out), extra diapers, hats and gloves in the bottom of the stroller. We also have a kit with band-aids, gauze, plastic gloves, saline, sun screen, emergency numbers, and an identification list of all the kids. We also carry a cell phone at all times.

Free Walking:

We don’t allow kids to free walk. We have them attached to the stroller with the tot-a-longs I discussed in the first part of this blog. I feel it is unsafe to allow kids to walk ahead, behind, or beside the stroller holding onto a rope or each other. I know many providers feel differently because they are able to keep track of the children well without having them right next to them and the children follow their directions when they are out.

My daycare kids are very well behaved and follow directions but I still worry about them being little children and making poor choices in a split second. I have read way too many posts over the years on internet boards where providers believed their daycare kids would stick with them and not bolt off and then one day out of the blue a kid decides to take off. When this happens the provider can’t get to them quickly and can’t get the other kids to keep up while they are chasing the one who got away. It can get extremely dangerous for everyone very quickly. My philosophy is that my little angel babies will “mind me” 999 out of a 1000 times but the ONE time they decide to get froggy can be the day someone looses their life and everything I have worked SO hard for goes POOF in one day. It’s easy to allow the 999 times of compliance to steer your decision to allow them to free walk and give you a false sense of security. Small children, city streets, moving vehicles and a stroller full of other little kids can be a lethal combination. To me, it’s not worth taking the risk.

The other thing to consider when allowing free walking is having your own children out on the walk. If you allow your own children to free walk ahead or behind you, you are still putting the other children at risk. A mother’s natural instinct is going to be to protect her own child. A child’s natural instinct is to act up around their parents. Those two together are going to lend a provider to take off away from the stroller and other kids who are attached or free walking to catch or rescue her own child.

A providers child has the highest likelihood of disobedience when excited. This can lead to a chase scene where the other kids are left unattended. It’s another one of those decisions where you have to include your own child in your “group” think. If your own children come along they need to have the same rules and placement as the daycare children in order to protect the daycare children. Allowing your own child a different set of expectations can ultimately affect your ability to protect the group.

The Daily Walk – Part 1
The Daily Walk – Part 2
The Daily Walk – Part 3

My kids are from birth to five. I purchased in line strollers that were long but not wide. I purchased single, double, and eventually triple strollers so we could adapt to any age combination we needed for whatever age group was currently attending the child care.

We go on walks when the temperature is over twenty (including the wind chill factor) but below eighty (including the heat index). We do not go outside if it is raining or if the sidewalks are slick with snow or very wet leaves. We also don’t go out if it’s terribly windy.

My neighborhood was built in the sixties and the sidewalks are pretty narrow. I wanted in line strollers instead of side by side strollers because we needed as much room on both sides of the strollers to allow the walking kids as much sidewalk room as possible.

I’ve never been comfortable with kids free walking. I don’t like the idea of the hand held loops on ropes. I always fear that a child will drop the loop and bolt off. I also don’t like the idea of kids free walking closely by the adult or a bit ahead. I don’t feel like we can safely keep track of them if they are not right next to us and attached to the stroller.

I ended up choosing a product called “tot a longs“. They are elastic bands that have Velcro clasps on one end and a hoop for the adult hands on the other. They stretch out four feet when new. They can be attached to the stroller by running the clasped end through the hope and knotting the end over a pole or handlebar on the stroller.

They can also be easily wrapped around the poles on the stroller to leave a small lead for the kid or attached to the front of the stroller fully stretched out to leave a long lead for the walkers upfront.

With a triple stroller we can accommodate as many as six walkers and three riders. We put two on the left of the stroller, two on the right of the stroller, and two up front ahead of the stroller. The walking kids position is based on age.

We place the loop end of the “tot a longs” in six locations on the stroller: the handlebars on each side, the middle horizontal railing of the middle stroller on both sides and the front bar of the front seat on each side. We attach the wrist end of the “tot a long” to each child with the oldest two being upfront, the middle children being in the middle, and the younger walkers attached to the sides of the front handlebars. We want the youngest children to be the closest to the adult pushing the stroller so they can be taught how to walk safely and behave during the walk. We also want to keep extra tabs on their fatigue level when they first start walking.

From the time the children can walk steadily we start having them walk. This is around the fifteenth month but we have had kids who couldn’t manage it until they were about two. We usually start them at a time when we can have them both walk and ride. This is when they can have a slot alongside the stroller or an empty seat for them to go into if they are tired or misbehaving. It takes a few weeks to get them used to doing the full walk. Within a few weeks they start fussing about going back into the stroller. This is our cue that it’s time to have them do the full walk.

If the child is capable of walking and in good health we don’t give them the option to ride instead of walk. Because we have two adults here the child who doesn’t want to walk is welcome to have a rest period in the house while the other kids are out. We do not push kids over the age of two in the stroller. They are too heavy and taxing on the adult pushing the stroller.

The hardest walker spot on the stroller is actually the middle spot. The middle kids are the ones that have to mind the wheels of the stroller and keep themselves positioned so they aren’t getting ran over by the ones behind them or walking into the ones in front of them. They have to pay attention to the children ahead of them and keep far enough away from the ones behind them to keep the younger ones from kicking them in the heels. They also have the smallest amount of room on the side sidewalk to navigate. When we move a child up to the middle position we have to work with them for a week or so to teach them to hold onto the horizontal railing and stay in position. A couple of trips over the wheel and they soon figure out they have to keep track of their feet in relation to the wheels.

We keep a pretty steady pace. The kids do a city block in about three minutes. It takes a little longer when you are training the front pack leader, a child new to the middle, and a new walker. The older kids are patient and understand they have to keep a slower pace as they have all been the child in that position before.

Part 2 of our series “Daily Walk” will focus walking safety.

The Daily Walk – Part 1
The Daily Walk – Part 2
The Daily Walk – Part 3

Within the 7 minutes taped there are 2 minutes and 24 seconds where he delivers 17 lashings. Of the 2 minutes 24 seconds he’s out of the room 34 seconds to fetch ANOTHER belt. In 1 minute and 50 seconds he hit her 17 times. Out of the 17 blows there are 2 hits in 3 seconds, 4 hits in 6 seconds, and 5 hits in 5 seconds.

That’s 11 hits in 14 seconds. Try taking a doubled up belt in your hand and whacking your sofa five times in five seconds and get a feel for what that must have been like. Raise the belt to your shoulder level or higher when you are doing it to get the full affect.

His lashings struck Hillary on the back, thighs, buttocks, and her wrists, hands, and forearms due to her attempting to defend her body with each strike. He also slapped her with his hands and pulled violently on the back of her hair.

Along with the physical abuse he cursed all the way through the beating. He used the F word 15 times in phrases like “You caused this with your dis-F’in-obedience. and “Lay down or I’m going to spank you in the F’in face”

Hillary begged him to stop, cried “no”, and “that’s enough” over 20 times in the seven minutes. Her cries and pleas did nothing to deescalate his rising rage.

What did teen Hillary do to incite such a fury? She disobeyed her parents and downloaded videos and games on her computer which she had already been told once to remove.  She had a good idea this would result in a severe beating so she set up a video camera in her room. It ran for about 30 minutes before the “discipline” was brought to her bedroom. She covered the cameras red blinking light with a scarf.  Her Father knew enough to turn off the lights in room so the neighbors wouldn’t see the beating through the window.  Little did he know the world would get a front row seat seven years later.

If you haven’t seen it yet you can watch it on YouTube.com. Please be advised that it should not be played within eyesight or earshot of a child or anyone with a tender soul.

Hilary is 23 now and the video is seven years old. She released the video after having ongoing conflict with her Father where she claims he was continuing to harass and berate her. She was receiving financial assistance from him by way of a vehicle and a free cell phone. In the midst of their ongoing disagreement of her lifestyle and hobbies he threatened to take them away. She retaliated by appraising him of the possession of a video of him beating her and her intent to post in on the net. He hadn’t seen the video beforehand and didn’t even know it existed. He challenged her to go ahead and post it so she did. It took less than 24 hours to be re-posted onto you tube with multiple copies. Within one week it gained over five million views.

The local news media caught up with Judge Adams in a parking lot on November 2nd. This is the only time he has spoken publicly about the video.

http://www.kristv.com/news/exclusive-judge-adams-comments-on-beating-video

In this brief interview he states “In my mind I have not done anything wrong other than discipline my child when she was caught stealing. I did lose my temper, I’ve apologized.. it looks worse than it is.”

He also states “”Her mother was there, she wasn’t hurt.. it was a long time ago.. I really don’t want to get into this right now because as you can see my life’s been made very difficult over this child,”

Two days later he sent a written statement to the attorney William Dudley who forwarded it to the media:

http://www.ksat.com/news/29677473/detail.html

Judge William offers 848 words in his statement. Eight words describing what “he” did ( two parents disciplining their 16 year old daughter) and 840 words about what Hillary did and caused. That’s what my eleven year old son does when he gets in trouble at school. He comes home and gives me 8 hedged words of what he’s done and 840 words of what everyone else did.

Judge Adams doesn’t seem to get how powerful the video is and how his pathetic displacement onto his daughter would be received poorly by the rest of the world. He had a chance to own up to what he’s done.  His cruelty continues with his every denial of accountability.

There’s an old negro spiritual that goes:
“Live a-humble, humble, humble Lord
Humble, yourself, the bell done rung.”

The bell done rung Judge Adams. It’s over. You can not deny or minimize the tyranny your daughters and wife suffered under your roof. If you want to recover from this you MUST make friends with the truth and quit blaming everyone else.

Your daughter needs to hear you truly apologize for this act and the hundreds of other acts you inflicted upon her leading up to your escalating your “discipline” to this level of rage. She needs the acknowledgement her Mother has given her for the part she played in this. She needs you to be a Father and parent her now as she comes to terms with this.

You couldn’t seem to come up with the words so I will do it for you.

“Dear Hillary,

I come to you today with my heart filled with remorse and shame. I stole a part of your childhood I fear I can never make up. I exposed you, your mother, and your little sister to a part of me that is very sick and wicked. I still have it inside of me today.

Your posting of this video became the undeniable proof of what I already knew. When I used violence in our home to gain your submission I knew I was going too far. I knew it was wrong but I went ahead and did it anyway. You didn’t deserve that… not once… for anything you may have done. It was my failings that led us here. You were a child with the understanding of a child. You broke rules. That’s what kids do.

My job as a parent is to provide for you and raise you to be world ready. Now I have compromised that with my indifference to your needs, my anger, and inability to control myself. I’m supposed to be the one who protects you and loves you, not be the monster in your closet.

I’m an educated man. My station in life gave me all the resources a family could need to seek help when trouble came our way. I had access to child guidance counselors, lawyers, medical doctors, therapists, and even law enforcement to assist me in dealing with your indiscretions. I chose a whip instead.

At the time of this recording I was  44 years old. When I was coming up this kind of punishment was acceptable. I have enough experience in child abuse cases and dealing with adults who were abused as children to know the effects of being subjected to this kind of punishment is long lasting. I know many before you have been unsuccessful in navigating life due solely to the kinds of brutality I exacted upon you.

I can not undo what I have done but I will not add insult to your injury by denying it or lessening it. What I can do is make a pledge to you that from this day forward I will devote my life to getting the help I so desperately need. If you will, I would ask that you come stand beside me.

I make these promises to you:

I will seek treatment for my anger and be fully evaluated by mental health treatment providers. I will go inpatient if that is what they suggest. I will attend group therapy or whatever other family counseling models suggested to me.

I will offer my full cooperation to any agency or charity working for and with abused children and families. I will be honest with them and provide for them what I know as a perpetrator of child abuse and an officer of the court who has experience with victims of abuse. I will do this with you if you would like.

I know that being a victim of domestic violence changes the brain of the growing child. I know I have compromised your ability to relate to this world and to other humans. I know you will have struggles as you grow and mature. I expect  your life choices may differ from what “I” had planned for you. I also know that the career paths you choose in your future life may not resemble what I wanted you to do. I am here to encourage you and to help you as you find your way. It’s YOUR life. What I truly want is for you to be happy and fulfilled doing what YOU want to do even if it’s something I don’t understand or hadn’t planned for.

I give you my word I will not lay a hand upon your sister for the rest of her entire childhood. If I find myself unable to control myself I will visit her only when I am supervised. If I can’t trust myself alone with her, I won’t be alone with her. This generational abuse we find ourselves repeating will come undone. It begins with me today.

I will treat your mother with respect. I know I have shattered her life and influenced her in ways that only the strong can inflict upon the weak. I take responsibility for that. I will support her reunification with you and make my amends to her as I am doing with you. I give you my word.

I’m so sorry Hillary. I hope you can find a place for me in your life in the future.

You are my child.

You are of me.

Everything inside of me is inside of you.

Your success in life will be in spite of me not because of me.

I know you still love me very much. Human nature dictates that even those who are treated inhumanely still rise up with affection, a need for approval, and hope for change in the future with their parents.  Your hope is my prayer.

I love you my daughter. Please accept my apology and believe my promises.

Daddy”

Now there you have it Judge Adams. Eight hundred and forty eight words to be exact.

Give it to her.

If you do not do right by this child everything you touch will turn to dust. The world is watching you.  Everywhere you go. Everybody knows.

Take this amazing opportunity. Take your daughter by the hand… step up on this world stage and do what is right. It’s your only way through this.

She said she didn’t believe in “quality time”. She said you can’t have “quality” time if you don’t have TIME with your child. It’s quantity TIME with your child that gives you the opportunity to have quality time.

Back in the day when I started doing child care I worked for families that were able to afford a private nanny for their kids. My first seven years of caring for kids were with wealthy and famous people who could have well left the care of their children to someone else.

Even with a very busy life and all the resources you could ever want in raising children, every family I worked for spent a substantial amount of “face time” with their children every day. I wasn’t the one raising their children. I was just their helper.

In the early nineties I started a 24 hour a day daycare. I cared for poor and middle class children. It was a different socioeconomic group of parents than my previous experience as a Nanny. I had to learn over time how financial freedom and education affected their day to day life with their kids. I did not have experience with children who had just a couple of hours of awake time a day with their parents. Within the first couple of years of doing home care I got schooled on what that parent and child looked like.

One pattern I noticed really early on was that most of the parents who worked 3-11 shifts and later evening shifts were different than the day shift parents. They seemed to have an ease about their care of their children that I didn’t see as much in the day shift parents.

I began to realize that the amount of time the evening shift parents had with their children AWAKE every day was substantially more than the parents who, for example, worked nine to five. The parents would have all morning with their kids and do a short afternoon nap before coming to my home. With my early bedtime on the evening shift the child would wake up early the next morning, giving them four to five waking hours before coming to my home.

I found a significant correlation between behavioral issues with parents and the amount of time the parents actually cared for their children during the week. Parents who had only a couple of awake hours a day were much more frazzled with their children and allowed untoward behaviors much more than parents who had a significant amount of time with their kids before and after care.

There were other patterns that became apparent over time. One was how day shift parents changed over time as their child went from being an immobile infant to being an upright walking, talking, toddler with their own opinion who required much more direct supervision.

When day shift parents would interview with their newborn baby they would declare that they could hardly stand the idea of leaving the child during work hours and would pledge to come pick the baby up the second they possibly could every day. As soon as the baby became mobile it would change dramatically. The same Mom, who on day one drop off, wept profusely over having to entrust her newborn to a stranger would come six months later requesting an hour or more later pick up. I would also see the parent taking days off without keeping their child home. Those days increased dramatically as the child got older. By the time the child was two the hours had increased even later into the afternoon and evening. It didn’t resemble the agreement we had when we began. The total hours per day were longer also.

I started seeing parental patterns and children behaviors that corresponded with the amount of hours the child was in care and the amount of time the child was awake at home with their parents. It was clear to me that parents who had a significant amount of awake time every day with their children were more competent, more assured with their parenting, and were more understanding about any problems that came up with the child when they were in my care. It wasn’t with EVERY family but there was definitely a pattern emerging.

Because I operated two shifts it was financially advantageous to me to find kids on the day shift who left early enough in the afternoon to accommodate the arrival of the evening shift child that would take over their slot for the rest of the day. I decided to set my rates to offer the lowest rate for the day shift parents who picked up early and the highest rate for the day shift parents who picked up the latest. I did the reverse for the evening shift.

Second shift parents who dropped off later in the afternoon or early evening received the lowest rate. Evening shift parents who dropped off earlier in the afternoon paid the highest amount for that slot. It sorted out that the hours between three p.m. and six p.m. became the most highly sought after hours for both shifts so I built my rates around how many hours within those three hours the client would need. The more hours a client of either shift used during those times the more the rate would increase. I charged five dollars per week for every fifteen minutes used between those hours. The difference could be as much as sixty dollars per week in addition to my base rate.

After years of experience I came to the conclusion that children who had at or around five full waking hours or more a day with their parent seemed to be the easiest for me to take care of. They were the ones who had the least amount of transition time when entering the child care and their day to day behavior was less likely to be troublesome in my group of kids.

With this experience I decided to cap the total number of hours per day at nine hours and base my rates on the total number of hours used between the three and six p.m. times for both shifts. When enrolling kids I found that parents who could save money by picking up earlier in the afternoon were more likely to arrange their work and lunch break hours to pick up their child as early as possible after nap.

These two changes: Nine hour maximum per day and early departure discount has served my business very well eighteen years later. Before I made this change parents would just naturally gravitate to longer hours per day and those hours would almost always be between the three and six p.m. times.

When I attached a steep fee to increasing hours during those times the requests for increased hours and later days slowed down dramatically. Nearly all of my day shift parents started out with a three p.m. pick up and most eventually increased that over the years. The decisions to increase the time came much further into the child’s toddler hood and came in small increases like an additional fifteen minutes. Attaching money to the time is what halted the natural progression to much later and longer hours in care.

I don’t provide evening shift anymore but I still base my rates on the system that was derived from trying to blend two shifts for maximum profit and staying within capacity. I charge a base rate for three p.m. departures and the fees escalate for anything after that. I continue to do it because I want to work for the parents who have their child in care the least number of hours and awake the most number of hours in the afternoon and evenings. My average child is here for about 8 hours a day and is gone by 4 to 4:30 p.m. The younger infants and toddlers usually leave earlier and the older preschool children leave a bit later. The older three to five year olds almost all started out leaving at three.

When parents call asking about openings I ask them within the first minute what hours both parents work and where they live. If they need ten to twelve hour shifts I don’t interview them. If they have a long transport time to work and a long lunch it will not work unless one parent drops off later and one gets off of work earlier. I don’t offer services if both parents or a single parent needs a ten to twelve hour day UNLESS they need only three or four days per week and pay full time for the slot. I will not do five twelve hour days. I know it’s impossible for parents to have QUANTITY time with a their child when they are here nearly every waking minute of their day.

I encourage home child care’s and center’s to really look at their fee schedules and consider placing extra value onto the three p.m. to six p.m. times. I know it’s not possible for every parent to get off earlier in the afternoon but I have found that most parents will make early departure pick ups possible IF there is financial incentive to do it. Often with two parent families they are able to stagger their work shifts to accommodate a later drop off with an earlier pick up.

I love caring for kids but what I love the most is caring for kids who are cared for by their parents. Kids who have a substantial amount of awake time every day with their parents are, for me, the most balanced, happy, and stable children to be around. The parents who have their children AWAKE for a significant part of the day are less likely to be afraid of the work of their child and more likely to be invested in good behavior since they are on the receiving end of it a lot when they have them.

The parents who have TIME with their kids daily don’t have the parental style of making decisions based on guilt from being away from them. They don’t seem to be as overwhelmed with their kids. They are more balanced, stable, and happy too.

You can’t have your children for a couple of hours a day and cram quality into that time and come out square. You can’t have quality time if you don’t have quantity time. Our nation believes we can pull it off but my experience is that it’s not possible. In order to be good at anything you have to have time and practice. Child rearing isn’t an exception.

The “No Cry” Way To Start Your Day

It’s Fast

It’s Easy

and the Kids Love It!

Halloween is upon us. A week from today my little spooks will be trudging around their respective neighborhoods and begging for treats. They will surely get at least a half of a felt pumpkin  sack of goodies. Come Monday they will have tricked their unseasoned parents into giving them way more fun size bites than they probably should have.

Now I love myself some Halloween. I do have a cure for avoiding sugar intoxicated kids the week after Beggars Night. I require all parents to sign a contract which includes a small paragraph (in eight point font) where the parents agree to bring me ALL of their kids Halloween take. They are SUPPOSED to bring me their untouched sacks so I can keep for myself all the candy bars, Junior Mints, Sour Patch Extremes, and Milk Duds. I gladly return all the other candy to do with as they wish.

Now I haven’t had great compliance on that policy but I do manage to extort a few Snickers and Milky Ways. I’m working on better ways to enforce it but they always give me some silly excuse that their neighbors were selfish this year and only gave them pencils, erasers, stickers, and popcorn balls.

I’m not buying it.

We all expect to have candy be the mainstay of the children’s diet for a week or so after Halloween. It’s a cherished part of our early childhood. Those of us who have been in the business for decades could have never foreseen what is happening now. Candy for breakfast is being served the other 51 weeks of the year too.

Sadly we are seeing a dramatic increase in children who are given pure candy every morning before day care. That candy comes in the form of starch based treats (cookies with candy chips, donuts with candy frosting, granola bars that look nutritious but are nutritionally the same as candy bars, candy frosted pop tarts), drinks that look like juice but are really kool-aid, soda pop, and most recently actual candy like “fruit snacks, gummy candy, lollipops, and chocolate candy bars. As the child goes from age one to age five the amount of candy increases and the types of candy get closer and closer to some form of pure sugar.

Providers and Centers providing a complimentary breakfast are seeing this as often as those who don’t do a breakfast. It doesn’t seem to matter if a home cooked warm breakfast is awaiting the child at daycare. Providers who put the effort into making a whole grain and fresh fruit breakfast often end up tossing plates of food in the garbage day after day. We see one frustration post after another on daycare.com about how discouraging it is to put the time and money into serving excellent nutrition only to have the child who had a package of Skittles washed down with Sunny D refuse to even come sit at the breakfast table.

I think providers misunderstand WHY parents are so eager to give candy, candy food, and candy drinks to their children when they know a good breakfast awaits them after a car ride to care. They believe that the parent is giving it because they want them to have SOMETHING before they come to your house. They hear so often that the donuts and chocolate candy milk aren’t great for the kid but something is better than nothing.

When it comes to candy for breakfast something is NOT better than nothing. That something will turn the child’s natural hunger off and set the taste buds at a level where they will only be willing to receive equal or more amounts of sweets and fats.

I think that parents don’t really give the candy and treats because something is better than nothing. Everybody is telling themselves that because it makes you feel better but I don’t think it’s true. I think that most parents who give their kids this kind of start to their day have figured out that offering the highest form of treat food will bring them the lowest amount of fussing, stalling, and refusal in the morning. The candy IS the easiest way to get them dressed, outer gear on, out the door, to the car seat, and peacefully sit in the car on the way to care.

I don’t think it has a thing to do with food. I think it’s about compliance in the morning and getting the child from home to child care with little or no crying.

So when the child comes up your walkway with a half eaten six pack of powdered donuts and a sippy cup of strawberry milk remember that it’s not intended to BE breakfast. It’s intended to get the child in your door with as little protesting and crying as possible. It IS the best way to start the day if you don’t want to fight the fight first thing in the morning.

From the providers point of view, the reasoning for parents doing it doesn’t help manage  the child’s meals for the rest of the day.

Kids who are given pure candy breakfast are refusing home made food and healthy drink all day long in anticipation of the candy treats and candy liquids they will have awaiting them in the car when they are picked up from care. This makes for a difficult time for the provider when she is trying to serve a table full of little ones a plate full of healthy veggies, meats, and grains.

I get asked many times a year what to do with these kids. How do you get a child who has lives off of candy and processed food to eat the home made food you serve at meals?

There isn’t an easy answer because the diet of children today is so bad that their taste buds are set to accept pretty much the opposite of what we know is needed for them to grow properly and develop normally. The good news is that with candy breakfast and processed treat foods for the other meals… we can’t get any worse. We HAVE met up with the worst possible way to feed kids. As far as I know there’s nothing available on this planet that is more threatening to our children’s health than what they are living off of now. We’ve reached the summit of the worse case scenario.

When you are on the ground working with children who refuse all healthy food the best thing you can do is to counsel the parents with the TRUTH. Tell them what you are offering every day and what their child is refusing. Do not buy into the response that the child is picky or a special eater. There’s no such thing as a picky eater. The picky eater is the one who gets to pick. Tell the parents what the child picked and what they didn’t pick.

If you make a good faith effort to include healthy options each meal and the child categorically denies everything but the starch based “snacks” and juice then remove those out of their snacks and just offer the meat and vegetable meals even for the morning and afternoon snack. Kids who eat treat based diets will try to fill up during snacks if that’s the only time they have access to white starch and juice. Take it off the menu completely. Don’t give it at breakfast and don’t give it for snacks.

The kid who eats candy breakfast with candy milk is going to reach their hunger peek after afternoon nap. That’s the time to try and introduce the healthy food from the meat, vegetable, and fruit group. Be willing to serve these foods at this time.

What I have done in the past that has worked wonders with kids like this is to offer them really “soft” versions of stews and soups at this time of day. I try to make them as comfort “old school” and “Sunday dinner” as possible. Things like thinly diced chicken and noodles, split pea soup with tiny diced carrots and potatoes, ham with a little cinnamon sweet potatoes are SOFT, easy to manage and eat quickly, and have enough fat in them to entice the child to at least try them.

I have made “dips” of veggies and protein for the kids to dunk their crackers in. Just a little dab on the side of the plate to start and add more as the child starts to show interest.

I have many of these “tricks in my bag” for helping poor eaters to accept good food that I will share with you in future blogs. These two methods will get you started . With the right timing you can get the kids who are holding out all day for the treats to at least TRY some healthy food. It’s not perfect for the provider because it takes a bit more time and effort to do this at snack time but the payoff is that you can eventually move the foods the child receives into his/her lunch menu as time goes on.

It takes a lot of exposure and a strong sense of calm to appeal to the humanness of the child. You have to dip down deep into the little human self who knows on a cellular level that we MUST have nutritious food inside of us to survive. You have to tweak the part of them we have carried from generation to generation that allowed us to evolve and live long. Every child has that inside of them. It may be buried underneath layers of candy wrappers and liquid Kool-Aid pouches…. But it is there.

My biggest piece of advise is to understand why parents are choosing to feed their kids the unhealthy treats and food but do not get into the business of being angry or accusatory about it. In the end, the only thing you CAN do with the parents is to tell them what the child is doing in your care. You can’t get them to change what they do while the child is in their care. You can understand it but you can’t change it. The parent has to do that themselves.

Lastly, don’t make food a battle at your house. As accepting as you must be with the parents is as accepting as you must be with the child. Know that if you put your love and effort into preparing and feeding them a variety of healthy options that you have done your job. Don’t punish them for refusing it or spend away too much energy getting them to change it. Keep mealtime CALM and invite them into it with some simple foods given in small amounts at times when you have the highest likelihood of getting them to take a small bit of it. You will be surprised how many kids you can gradually win over to healthy food if you come to them with some compassion and patience.

Don’t let the candy and treat kids defeat you. Stay at it and keep coming to the blog for more “feeding kids” advice. I’ve been there and done that for a lot of years and have ended up with all excellent eaters every day. Some of THEM have a little sompin sompin before day care but they still eat really well. It takes years of experience to get good at feeding today’s kid. I’ll help you along the way.

I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to put in eighteen years of my working life into the same job. I haven’t really thought about the fact that as the years roll on that the odds of my being successful actually decreases. The average home child care lasts about two years. I’m fixing to bump into the two decade mark here in a couple of minutes.

When I’m asked by other providers how it is possible to have longevity in this business I can’t help but think that part of my success in this business is having other complimentary businesses alongside of the home child care.

When I first started out I sold cookie dough to my friends, family, and daycare parents. Three bucks a dozen was a decent amount of money in those days. That extra cash funded my passion for traveling and the adoption savings account I started when I was thirty.

In the early 2000’s I started an Ebay business. Ebay was a blast back then. It was a young company and if you were willing to work at it you could make some serious cash. I sold fancy European boys clothes. It was a way to make money from home, provide sweet clothes for my son, and a fabulous opportunity to meet other mothers interested in kids fashion. We went to Europe twice to buy inventory. I met one of my bff’s, Annie Anke, when I was hunting the world for little boy socks!!! My son, my assistant, and I took a trip to Germany to meet her and her family in 2004. She is by far, the biggest blessing that came from the children’s clothing business.

Nearly a year ago I started a child care consulting business.
http://daycarewhisperer.webs.com
A few months later I also had the honor to be asked to work for daycare.com as a writer and an expert on their daycare forum.

The only time I haven’t had a second job in my eighteen years of child care was the two years I operated at nearly full capacity with the highest home child care registration you can have in Iowa. Running eleven kids a day, even with an excellent and experienced staff assistant, was too much work to even entertain the idea of more work!! You ladies that have ten kids by yourself please disregard this blog.

I know most new providers and mothers are so swamped that the prospect of taking on more work is daunting. I found that having my head somewhere else for part of my day helped me stay happy and wanting to continue to do child care.

For me, it has always been about finding work that I can do from home, that can be dropped at any time and picked up when things were slow in the day care. I also liked having something to give my helpers to do if we were low on kids and had everything done for the child care.

I have loved having something to fall back on if the daycare census drops unexpectedly. Selling clothes, making frozen dough, and now doing child care consulting have all provided a way to fill in the gaps when enrollment drops.

Having the security of a back up income can help you make decisions in your child care if you are having difficulty with a family. Knowing the income from the family CAN be replaced keeps the provider from making desperate decisions to retain families where the children or the parents are behaving badly or the care of the child becomes more than the provider can provide.

Some States don’t allow second jobs when performing child care. If you find something you are interested in doing make sure that you are allowed to do it on the daycare clock. My State doesn’t have prohibitions from operating a child care business and another business at the same time.

The further along I get in my business the more imperative it is that I have other sources of revenue and other interests to pursue. The odds of success in child care dramatically decreases as time goes on. The satisfaction in the business can lessen because the learning curve is near completion. I think it’s a great idea to find other interests that work well within your childcare routine to keep your mind fresh and your bank accounts a little heftier. I love cooking, children’s clothes, and talking day care. Those interests worked for me.

I know a number of providers who do volunteer work as their “second job”. If you are able to afford to offer that it’s even better. If you can include the children in the service it can bless both your home day care business, your family, and you.

Teresa Chapin, a 37 year old Registered Provider apparently laid five month old Lane Thomas on an adult bed to sleep. According to her statements to the police she laid him down after a feeding and had her daughter check on him during the nap. An hour and a half passed before Teresa realized the child had passed away. Despite efforts to revive the infant, he was pronounced dead shortly after being taken to the hospital.

The specific details of this tragedy are still unfolding so we are left to only speculate on what really happened. An autopsy at the State Medical Examiners in Ankeny Iowa was unable to determine the cause of death. At present, the results state only “Sudden Unexplained Infant Death”. This is not the same as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

The provider has been charged with two felony counts including felony neglect of a dependent person and child endangerment. Now two families are devastated and a woman in the prime of her life is facing up to fifteen years in prison.

As I think about this case I am hard pressed to figure out how something like this could happen in this day and age. I can’t imagine making it to the age of 37 and going through the registration process my state requires and not knowing without equivocation what the best practice and minimum standards are for placing an infant under the age of one to sleep.

On page 56 of Iowa’s “Child Development Home Registration Guidelines” it states clearly:
http://www.dhs.state.ia.us/policyanalysis/PolicyManualPages/Manual_Documents/Master/comm143.pdf

As a registered home provider, the Department’s rules require you to place children under the age of one year on their backs to sleep. A physician may prescribe a different sleep position for children with special needs. The National Standards state that all infants must be placed on their backs to sleep unless a physician has prescribed a different sleep position. For naps and nighttime sleeping, infants should:
♦ Be placed on their backs
♦ Be placed on a firm mattress
♦ Be placed in individual infant cribs
♦ Have no soft bedding, pillows, blankets, bumper pads, and stuffed animals in the crib
♦ Sleep at a room temperature of 65-75º F

The regulations even go further in explaining the rationale of why this is a REQUIREMENT:

“Infants who sleep on their backs on a firm surface have a reduced risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). SIDS is the sudden and unexpected death of a seemingly healthy infant. SIDS usually occurs between the ages of three weeks and five months. Physicians are still not certain what causes SIDS.

Sleep position and exposure to secondhand smoke are related to SIDS deaths.

REASON: Placing infants to sleep on their backs instead of their stomachs has been associated with a dramatic decrease in deaths from SIDS.”

When we Register we are sent a nearly inch thick envelope including the 113 page Child Development Home packet. We are required to sign that we have read the packet and agree to the standards. The IDHS even goes further in publishing the regulations in an easily searchable format so that providers can access it online and check for any standard changes.

This provider had both the benefit of age, experience, and the excellent information from our state and still made a decision to put this five month old in a sleep position that is dangerously unsafe.

What I’m trying to figure out is WHY she choose an adult bed to nap the baby, why the baby went unchecked by adult eyes for an hour and a half, and why she either didn’t read or disregard our states specific and well researched decisions regarding infant sleep.

When I started caring for kids in my home in 1993 these requirements were not in place. I put every baby to sleep on their bellies, The “best practice” was to have them on their belly to avoid aspiration if they spit up during sleep. I didn’t check them every ten minutes. I believed that babies slept without adults watching them sleep since the beginning of time so having them in child care was no more of a risk then the nights they slept at home while their parents slept. I let babies with reflux sleep in upright infant seats. I didn’t know about positional asphyxia.

When I knew better I did better. I wonder why this provider choose not to.

I don’t know how she came to decide to go against such a specific direction by our state and the plethora of information out there about safe sleep. I do have my suspicions.

When I hear of cases like this the first thing that comes to my mind is that the provider decided to separate the infant because she wanted to get away from crying. Perhaps she was napping other children and wanted to protect their sleep by having a crying infant separate from their area. Protecting their sleep means protecting her precious afternoon break.

I also wonder about space and equipment. Was there ample space in the home to have equipment set up and ready to receive this baby? Does the equipment she uses stand up to repeated set ups and tear downs? Was it easier for her to forgo a separate infant bed because she was using what equipment she DID have the space for to confine the toddlers who would not stay confined unattended?

I’m also curious as to why she had her child check on this child during the nap. What made her allow a child to assess the well being of another child? What was she doing during this baby’s nap that took her away from basic fundamental supervision and delegate it to her daughter?

There HAD to be some reason to make these choices and it most likely had to do with what was easiest and best for the provider at that time. It couldn’t have had a single thing to do with what was best for the baby.

I simply can not believe this provider at the age of 37 did not know about safe sleeping practices. I’ve been in the child care business for 32 years and have watched on the front line the burgeoning research on sleep. I’ve seen hundreds of public service announcements and done thousands of hours of research on infant deaths. When I went into this profession I knew intrinsically that I would have to LEARN the craft. Learning about the care of children is a vast field that takes dedicated research and training. If you do not continually build on your skill set you will have an injury or a death. As you take in children over the years your odds of something going wrong increases. The only way to thwart that is to meet it with more knowledge and better practice.

Another thing I consider when looking at these cases is the providers refusal to accept the fact that caring for other peoples children demands a completely different set of skills and practices than the ones you use while bringing up your own. It isn’t the same as caring for or raising your own children. In fact, there is precious little in common.

You can not do what you want to do when it’s someone else’s kid. You HAVE to abide by your states regulations. You don’t get to take risks with others children like you can with your own. You don’t get to have children that you really can’t care for properly. You don’t get to scrimp on space and protect your time.

I think one great step in preventing this in the future is for our state to separate sleep regulations and have providers provide a written, signed, and even notarized agreement that they will follow the law when caring for babies.

Iowa needs to make a big deal of their sleep regulations by pulling them out of the middle of the other health and safety standards and putting them on a completely separate form that is checked by our Registration Officers when providers register as new and bi-annual registrants. We need to make it perfectly clear that each standard is important but THIS one is of utmost importance. The research and laws are there. We need to do everything in our power to make sure they are understood and applied.

The other suggestion I have is for parents interviewing providers to HAVE the conversation about where the baby will sleep and what sleep practices are being used. Parents and providers NEED to have the discussion about what the provider is to do when the infant cries to the point where it disrupts her ability to stay calm and care for the other kids. They need to talk about SPACE and equipment. Parents need to enforce their expectation that the provider be honest with them if they are unable to provide adequate care and supervision so that different arrangements can be made.

There’s no reason to make a mistake like this in this day and age. There’s no amount of money that is worth loosing the life of a precious newborn and the freedom and family of a caretaker. Whatever her core reasons were for making these poor decisions, I can assure you she would tell you today that not a one of them was worth this outcome.