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06-08-2016 12:10 PM
Unregistered A bit of an older post, but this totally made me laugh out loud today. I had a dcd that was here for about 3-4 minutes this morning and I was about to throw a fit. 15-20? Nope.

To try to be helpful for others, the longer you stay, the more worked up they get. The quicker you leave, the easier the transition is. Other dck's also act up for me when parents (any parents) are here. I can't have lingering.
05-13-2016 02:59 AM
Josiegirl How long has your dd been going to this dc? I can understand 'easing' her into it maybe a couple of days at the beginning but after that I think you're essentially weaning yourself, not your dd. Hanging around is not good for her, the providers, the group as a whole. Hope things have gotten better since you've posted this.
I just wanted to add that I completely understand where you're coming from because as a young parent, I did the exact same thing. I hung around. That was 30 years ago and now after having 3 children(all grown and gone now)and being in dc 34 years, I can see the error in my ways. These were my mini flesh and bloods going into someone else's hands every day and I now had no clue what their day would be like. It was terribly difficult letting them go.
05-12-2016 11:58 AM
ChelseaB
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
To be completely honest with you, I would have already given you notice to find another provider.

Drop offs should be quick. Lingering requires her to engage you, essentially adult daycare, then you were rude and dismissive to her.

You stated that you do not respect her advice and I would bet she is well aware of that. Basically you are causing a toxic work environment for her each morning. Not cool.
05-09-2016 10:44 AM
Thriftylady I agree with everyone else as far as the long drop offs. Anything that takes that long with your child should be done before walking into daycare. My handbook states that drop off and pick up should take no more than five minutes. I have to focus on caring for the children not my parents. If they need longer than that, they have to schedule a conference. However, what you are staying for is not something a conference would cover. I would likely term a parent who was lingering that long every day. I just can't do my job AND entertain a parent, to do my job the children must come in and be ready to start the day. They can't start the day if the parent is there with them.
05-09-2016 10:25 AM
Cat Herder To be completely honest with you, I would have already given you notice to find another provider.

Drop offs should be quick. Lingering requires her to engage you, essentially adult daycare, then you were rude and dismissive to her.

You stated that you do not respect her advice and I would bet she is well aware of that. Basically you are causing a toxic work environment for her each morning. Not cool.
05-07-2016 09:42 AM
mommyneedsadayoff
Quote:
Originally Posted by starry_sassy View Post
To everyone who responded: thank you for your input. The daycare is not a big chain. I would say it's a medium-sized nonprofit. I am not looking to switch my daughter b/c I think the daycare as a whole is good and my daughter is comfortable there. There are also not too many other options that would work near me. I think the teacher is good at her job and is not rude to my child. It is her tone that bothers me mostly, although sometimes she is definitely rude to me (everyone has a bad day sometimes, I get it). I try to keep it as professional and polite as possible with her, and I usually spend about 15 or 20 minutes dropping off in the morning so my daughter can "ease in". I think maybe some of the issue is that a couple of months ago I had to ask the teacher (I think I did it in a nice way) to pretty much back off. When we first started at the daycare I was still figuring out the whole mom thing and now I need everyone's help less. The teacher likes to offer advice and opinions, but I think a lot of what she says is wrong or just not helpful. I appreciate that she cares, but I feel like I can take care of my daughter my way. So maybe she's mad that I'm not wanting her advice? I do try to get over it, but I hate leaving my daughter and then the added tension really makes it worse . . .
If you think the provider is wrong, why do you keep bringing your child there? You can't take your kid to daycare and expect that her care will be done in YOUR way. It is group care, so her care will be done in a way that benefits the GROUP, not just your kid. If you want individualized care done YOUR way, you have to hire a nanny or stay home with her. Most likely, she is trying to offer advice to get you to leave quicker and to trust her, yet you think she is does it wrong and want it done your way

Quote:
Originally Posted by starry_sassy View Post
Oh, yeah. I agree that liking each other is not required for good care. But I am very careful to be respectful of her, especially b/c I want her to be nice to my daughter. I don't feel that she is respectful of me in many ways. I have thought about talking to the director but I fear making the situation worse. I especially am worried about her taking it out on my daughter, so I'm in a position where I feel pretty stuck.
The bolded part kind of bugs me. Just because we sometimes have issues with parents does not mean we are going to be mean or even abusive to the child If you honestly feel they would hurt your child in retaliation, then why are you still bringing her and putting her in that potential danger? You either trust they are great fit for your child, or you don't, in which case, pull your daughter and figure out another way.

As others have said, 15-20 minute drop off is too long and making it harder for your daughter. You need to let your daughter know you are confident in your decision to bring her to this daycare (which it doesn't sound like you are, so maybe she is feeding off of that anxiety) and that she will be fine, have fun, and you will pick her up when you are off work. Stop dragging out the drop off and I bet you will see a huge difference. Good luck to you and just a word of advice...I have been a parent for 6 years and a provider for 17 and I still need advice on childcare and parenting all the time! It is great that you are finding your way as a parent, but don't stop listening to that advice, even if you don't use it or need it! Some day you may be at your wits end and that advice may come in useful, even if you disagree with it now. Parenting is an evolution. I am not the same parent I was 6 years ago and without the help of other parents and providers, I would have had a much harder time facing the obstacles that come with being a parent! Most people are not trying to undermine you as a parent, they just want to help
05-07-2016 06:41 AM
Nurse Jackie 15-20 mins drop off time is entirely too long. Why not drop off 15-20 mins later to spend that extra time with your little one. With the exception the first day I haven't had a little one cry more than a few seconds after mom drops off.
05-07-2016 06:34 AM
racemom Wow, a 15 minute drop off would iritate me! Most of my parents drop off at the door to my room, and our day continues. I have one parent who comes in, and puts her childs coat away, and everyone comes up to her and trys to talk. It is very disruptive, and she is quick in and out, I can't imagine a parent standing around for 15 minutes!
05-06-2016 06:03 PM
kitykids3 Curious also, how exactly, is she being rude and how exactly did you tell her to 'back off?'
05-06-2016 05:43 PM
kitykids3 Exactly what everyone else has said since you said you were dropping off and there for 15-20 minutes. My jaw dropped.
Is she by any chance giving you advice/tips that may have to do with drop off/separation etc?? Do you know her educational or experiential background? I've been doing this over 15 years, have a degree and am 5 stars and when I see a parent having issue with their child and I offer advice and it's ignored it does offend me. If I see a way that can make things easier for the child's experience in my child care, then yes, I offer tips/advice to parents because I assume they would also want it easier for their child. Why choose me as the person they trust for the care of their little one if they don't really trust me or agree with the way I believe to raise children?

The 15-20 minute drop off, at least to me, would be another way you would be conveying (even if unintentionally) that you don't trust me and that I can't handle your child so you have to stay there that long to make sure your LO is OK or checking to see how I do things. Some of us love what we do, would never take anything out on kids cuz of the parents, and have plenty of experience and education and are trying to be helpful when we offer advice/tips to parents. Don't linger making us feel like you don't trust us.

The environment is another thing to think about. I have some certain rules that I apply, because it is a group setting of kids from different families/backgrounds etc. Running a child care or ECE class is not the same as parenting at home. You are probably making her job more difficult because whenever a parent lingers it makes it harder on your own child and other children may be distracted or acting up because there is someone there. I run a family child care of up to 8 kids that range from 6 weeks to 4 years. It takes a delicate balance to give all of them what they need (especially when 3 are infants) when they need it and some rules are to help things run more smoothly (to some degree) because we understand the nuances of having so many children to take care of and teach at the same time.

Just some things to think of. She may not dislike you, but she may be feeling disrespected and not trusted and you may be unintentionally and not knowingly being a disturbance to the environment. It is easier for ALL involved to make your good-bye quick with your child. She also just may be one of those with a rbf and may not be aware she is coming off as rude.

(PS - You calling her a moron on a site seems quite childish and arrogant and makes me also wonder if somehow your tone/attitude may be making her a little upset because if you think of her like that, it may be coming through to her without you realizing)

Start with making drop offs quicker and act like you trust her and respect what she may be saying and doing. Fake acts of being 'super nice', or ignoring, or doing what she wants (what do you mean by this anyways, just curious?), you may be sending mixed signals that aren't helping the situation. I would be wondering what was going on if one of my clients was super nice for a bit, and then was ignoring me for a bit.

Most important thing is the care your child is receiving, not what you feel about the teacher. It also is not a reason to get all tense for your day. You might also feel less tense if you are spending less time at drop off. WIN-WIN for everyone. :-) Good luck!
05-06-2016 01:46 PM
NightOwl Agree, agree, agree. You answered your own question. Long drop offs are thorns in the provider's side. She can't get on with her morning with you hanging around. You probably throw off the whole morning routine, but she doesn't want to tell you outright to go. So her snarkiness comes from her irritation with these drop offs.

If your child is comfortable there and seems happy, there's no need to ease her in. Any whining, crying, negotiating that she does in the mornings is only exacerbated by the extended stay in the mornings. Trust us, we know. It stops almost immediately once you're gone.
05-06-2016 11:42 AM
daycarediva
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leigh View Post
I'm guessing that the 15-20 minutes of hanging out is the problem. Believe me, as a parent, I GET IT! It's so hard not to want to comfort your child when they don't want to separate from you! It breaks my heart to do it. However, as a provider, I can tell you that ALL of the kids stop acting sad when their parents leave-some the moment the door closes behind their parent, some wait until the car is out of the driveway, but it's QUICK that they get over it, and they move on to having fun right away. It's nearly always manipulation-they're trying to get you to stay with them, and that is perfectly normal. Drop offs should be as quick as possible. I'm talking 60 seconds MAX. The longer you stay to reassure your child, they more you reinforce that Mom leaving is scary or sad or not the right thing. Kids need to see that their parents are confident in their decisions.

You can actually help your child by making drop off fast. Talk about it on the way there, on the walk up to the door. Mom's going to take you to Miss A, and then she's going to go to work for a bit. When I'm done, I'll come right back to pick you up, just like I always do!

I think the rudeness is MUCH less about her not liking you, and probably more of her being afraid to tell you that it's time for you to leave and let her do her job of caring for your child while your child is with her. She's probably afraid of seeming rude by saying that it's time for you to leave, but I would place a BIG bet on that being the reason that you're feeling a coldness from her.

This is the proverbial nail on the head.

She tried to offer advice (was it relating to drop off by any chance?) and you disregarded that.

I run a home daycare and NEVER would allow a parent to prolong a child's drop off for 20 minutes. A quick hug, kiss and telling them you will be back after (snack, rest, outside, whatever) is ALL that your child needs. A prolonged drop off actually reinforces your child's anxiety and confirms to her that 1) she needs you to calm 2) you aren't confident in her ability to separate independently which IS a GREAT ECE skill and 3) you aren't trusting of her caregivers.

Most providers have degrees and years of experience. Most parents are brand new parents with no formal childhood education or experience. She most likely isn't trying to be rude, but you are unintentionally being rude to her.

I think you got started off on the wrong foot. *I* would go back in Monday morning and say "You know what Miss daycare teacher, I tried my way and drop offs aren't going so well. Can you tell me what you have seen work best?"

and I BET you would get a VERY different morning welcome.
05-06-2016 07:53 AM
EntropyControlSpecialist
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leigh View Post
I'm guessing that the 15-20 minutes of hanging out is the problem. Believe me, as a parent, I GET IT! It's so hard not to want to comfort your child when they don't want to separate from you! It breaks my heart to do it. However, as a provider, I can tell you that ALL of the kids stop acting sad when their parents leave-some the moment the door closes behind their parent, some wait until the car is out of the driveway, but it's QUICK that they get over it, and they move on to having fun right away. It's nearly always manipulation-they're trying to get you to stay with them, and that is perfectly normal. Drop offs should be as quick as possible. I'm talking 60 seconds MAX. The longer you stay to reassure your child, they more you reinforce that Mom leaving is scary or sad or not the right thing. Kids need to see that their parents are confident in their decisions.

You can actually help your child by making drop off fast. Talk about it on the way there, on the walk up to the door. Mom's going to take you to Miss A, and then she's going to go to work for a bit. When I'm done, I'll come right back to pick you up, just like I always do!

I think the rudeness is MUCH less about her not liking you, and probably more of her being afraid to tell you that it's time for you to leave and let her do her job of caring for your child while your child is with her. She's probably afraid of seeming rude by saying that it's time for you to leave, but I would place a BIG bet on that being the reason that you're feeling a coldness from her.
Bingo. Once I read that you were staying 15-20 minutes my eyes nearly popped out of my head. That's INCREDIBLY long and I would be asking you to assist me with various tasks if you were here that long. If you need extra snuggles or time for your child to adjust then you really need to do that at home or in the car before coming into their classroom. I'm surprised the other children in there haven't asked, "Why is so-and-so's mom always standing there?" if they're verbal. Mine do that when a new parent takes 5 whole minutes. If they're non-verbal toddlers then they're likely wondering about it.

The parents here come in, have their child put their backpack and shoes away, holds their towel while they wash their hands/helps them wash their hands, gives a kiss/hug and sends them on their way. If they're crying then I take their hand and guide them on in and snap a photo to text to their parent 30 seconds later of them smiling and having fun with their buddies. I've never known a child that needs 15-20 minutes to ease in. If anything, a long drop off makes the transition much harder on them.
05-06-2016 07:30 AM
sleepinghart
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leigh View Post
I'm guessing that the 15-20 minutes of hanging out is the problem. Believe me, as a parent, I GET IT! It's so hard not to want to comfort your child when they don't want to separate from you! It breaks my heart to do it. However, as a provider, I can tell you that ALL of the kids stop acting sad when their parents leave-some the moment the door closes behind their parent, some wait until the car is out of the driveway, but it's QUICK that they get over it, and they move on to having fun right away. It's nearly always manipulation-they're trying to get you to stay with them, and that is perfectly normal. Drop offs should be as quick as possible. I'm talking 60 seconds MAX. The longer you stay to reassure your child, they more you reinforce that Mom leaving is scary or sad or not the right thing. Kids need to see that their parents are confident in their decisions.

You can actually help your child by making drop off fast. Talk about it on the way there, on the walk up to the door. Mom's going to take you to Miss A, and then she's going to go to work for a bit. When I'm done, I'll come right back to pick you up, just like I always do!

I think the rudeness is MUCH less about her not liking you, and probably more of her being afraid to tell you that it's time for you to leave and let her do her job of caring for your child while your child is with her. She's probably afraid of seeming rude by saying that it's time for you to leave, but I would place a BIG bet on that being the reason that you're feeling a coldness from her.
~Oh I definitely agree with all the above, and think that Leigh gave you, starry_sassy, some excellent advice that you should heed. I'd bet everything on the fact that the 15-20 minute drop-off is indeed the problem, and I am surprised that they have said nothing to you about it yet. It may be that the teacher is wanting to tell you to drop-off quickly, but does not want to come off as rude or bossy so is offering "advice", tips on how to make drop-off less painful for everyone, instead; and when that isn't working, the tension that it is causing her is unintentionally showing on her face and in her tone...I mean, I don't know, just guessing and reading between the lines.
05-06-2016 07:13 AM
Kimskiddos
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leigh View Post
I'm guessing that the 15-20 minutes of hanging out is the problem. Believe me, as a parent, I GET IT! It's so hard not to want to comfort your child when they don't want to separate from you! It breaks my heart to do it. However, as a provider, I can tell you that ALL of the kids stop acting sad when their parents leave-some the moment the door closes behind their parent, some wait until the car is out of the driveway, but it's QUICK that they get over it, and they move on to having fun right away. It's nearly always manipulation-they're trying to get you to stay with them, and that is perfectly normal. Drop offs should be as quick as possible. I'm talking 60 seconds MAX. The longer you stay to reassure your child, they more you reinforce that Mom leaving is scary or sad or not the right thing. Kids need to see that their parents are confident in their decisions.

You can actually help your child by making drop off fast. Talk about it on the way there, on the walk up to the door. Mom's going to take you to Miss A, and then she's going to go to work for a bit. When I'm done, I'll come right back to pick you up, just like I always do!

I think the rudeness is MUCH less about her not liking you, and probably more of her being afraid to tell you that it's time for you to leave and let her do her job of caring for your child while your child is with her. She's probably afraid of seeming rude by saying that it's time for you to leave, but I would place a BIG bet on that being the reason that you're feeling a coldness from her.

Think you hit the nail on the head. Protracted drop offs are hard on everyone.

Plus, caregivers are NOT going to be mean to a kiddo just because they may have an issue with the parent. This drives me a little nuts. Most of us get into this profession because we love kiddos and would never, ever think of treating a child in a harmful way.
05-05-2016 09:15 PM
Leigh I'm guessing that the 15-20 minutes of hanging out is the problem. Believe me, as a parent, I GET IT! It's so hard not to want to comfort your child when they don't want to separate from you! It breaks my heart to do it. However, as a provider, I can tell you that ALL of the kids stop acting sad when their parents leave-some the moment the door closes behind their parent, some wait until the car is out of the driveway, but it's QUICK that they get over it, and they move on to having fun right away. It's nearly always manipulation-they're trying to get you to stay with them, and that is perfectly normal. Drop offs should be as quick as possible. I'm talking 60 seconds MAX. The longer you stay to reassure your child, they more you reinforce that Mom leaving is scary or sad or not the right thing. Kids need to see that their parents are confident in their decisions.

You can actually help your child by making drop off fast. Talk about it on the way there, on the walk up to the door. Mom's going to take you to Miss A, and then she's going to go to work for a bit. When I'm done, I'll come right back to pick you up, just like I always do!

I think the rudeness is MUCH less about her not liking you, and probably more of her being afraid to tell you that it's time for you to leave and let her do her job of caring for your child while your child is with her. She's probably afraid of seeming rude by saying that it's time for you to leave, but I would place a BIG bet on that being the reason that you're feeling a coldness from her.
05-05-2016 07:10 PM
starry_sassy Oh, yeah. I agree that liking each other is not required for good care. But I am very careful to be respectful of her, especially b/c I want her to be nice to my daughter. I don't feel that she is respectful of me in many ways. I have thought about talking to the director but I fear making the situation worse. I especially am worried about her taking it out on my daughter, so I'm in a position where I feel pretty stuck.
05-05-2016 07:03 PM
starry_sassy To everyone who responded: thank you for your input. The daycare is not a big chain. I would say it's a medium-sized nonprofit. I am not looking to switch my daughter b/c I think the daycare as a whole is good and my daughter is comfortable there. There are also not too many other options that would work near me. I think the teacher is good at her job and is not rude to my child. It is her tone that bothers me mostly, although sometimes she is definitely rude to me (everyone has a bad day sometimes, I get it). I try to keep it as professional and polite as possible with her, and I usually spend about 15 or 20 minutes dropping off in the morning so my daughter can "ease in". I think maybe some of the issue is that a couple of months ago I had to ask the teacher (I think I did it in a nice way) to pretty much back off. When we first started at the daycare I was still figuring out the whole mom thing and now I need everyone's help less. The teacher likes to offer advice and opinions, but I think a lot of what she says is wrong or just not helpful. I appreciate that she cares, but I feel like I can take care of my daughter my way. So maybe she's mad that I'm not wanting her advice? I do try to get over it, but I hate leaving my daughter and then the added tension really makes it worse . . .
05-05-2016 08:06 AM
sleepinghart ~How long are you there for in the mornings dropping her off?

(starry_sassy quote)"I have tried being super nice, ignoring her, doing what she seems to want, nothing works"(end quote)

~It just seems like a lot of interaction for what should usually be a quick drop-off.
05-03-2016 08:58 AM
Cat Herder Just going by your post + your chosen forum name , is it possible you may come off as a bit of a diva? Maybe condescending?

It is possible she is simply reflecting what you are putting forth to her
05-03-2016 05:44 AM
EntropyControlSpecialist What does she do and/or say that is rude and snarky? Could you just be interpreting it that way?
05-03-2016 05:19 AM
Blackcat31
Quote:
Originally Posted by starry_sassy View Post
The head teacher in my daughter's daycare room is always just a little rude and snarky to me. I don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is, especially b/c I don't want my daughter to suffer, but I am sick of it! It gets my day off to a bad start every single time I have to interact with this moron. I have tried being super nice, ignoring her, doing what she seems to want, nothing works. Any tips? Thanks.
Are you respectful and polite towards her? Calling her a moron (even while venting) isn't very parent or adult like.

I am assuming you are unhappy with her tone/attitude, not her as a person so I'm not understanding the need for name-calling.

Does your child like her? Is your child happy and excited to attend? Does the teacher talk to your child rudely?

I don't know.... we just had a thread about this and as a provider and a parent, I don't think liking each other is a requirement for good care.

I have a few parents that I don't particularly like but I am still respectful and polite towards them. I am sure it goes both ways. I had a provider when my kids were young that I didn't particularly care for but my kids loved her so that was what mattered most to me....my kids' happiness while in care.

I don't know I guess if you feel you can't get past it and it sets the tone for your day, then you'll need to speak with the director or you'll need to start searching for new care arrangements.
05-03-2016 04:47 AM
Thriftylady
Quote:
Originally Posted by Play Care View Post
Have you asked her? "Miss T, did I do something to upset you? You seem angry with me?" use a sincere tone, and put the onus on her. Or you could go to admin and let them know.
Obviously care options vary greatly in their quality. This could be one center where the pay is crud and the responsibilities are too much. She may very well be there because they need a warm body to maintain ratios.
At the end of the day, if I wasn't comfortable with my care provider, I would start searching for one I was happier with.
Early childhood is too short to have an unhappy caregiver, IMO.
Good luck!
I agree with this. But I will also say that some people have personalities that come across like that. I may speak to her about it, but if I kept feeling that way I would look for other care. And at the point I gave notice, I would tell the director exactly why. Is it a big chain center or a small locally owned one? Sometimes the big chain ones are very interested in a warm body room.
05-03-2016 03:08 AM
Play Care
Quote:
Originally Posted by starry_sassy View Post
The head teacher in my daughter's daycare room is always just a little rude and snarky to me. I don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is, especially b/c I don't want my daughter to suffer, but I am sick of it! It gets my day off to a bad start every single time I have to interact with this moron. I have tried being super nice, ignoring her, doing what she seems to want, nothing works. Any tips? Thanks.
Have you asked her? "Miss T, did I do something to upset you? You seem angry with me?" use a sincere tone, and put the onus on her. Or you could go to admin and let them know.
Obviously care options vary greatly in their quality. This could be one center where the pay is crud and the responsibilities are too much. She may very well be there because they need a warm body to maintain ratios.
At the end of the day, if I wasn't comfortable with my care provider, I would start searching for one I was happier with.
Early childhood is too short to have an unhappy caregiver, IMO.
Good luck!
05-03-2016 02:59 AM
Michael Welcome to the forum. We are a little slow during the night so check back in the morning.
05-03-2016 01:25 AM
starry_sassy The head teacher in my daughter's daycare room is always just a little rude and snarky to me. I don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is, especially b/c I don't want my daughter to suffer, but I am sick of it! It gets my day off to a bad start every single time I have to interact with this moron. I have tried being super nice, ignoring her, doing what she seems to want, nothing works. Any tips? Thanks.

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