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-   -   Never Had to Do This (Advice Needed) (https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=92614)

Valerie928 11-06-2019 04:18 AM

Never Had to Do This (Advice Needed)
 
I am having behavioral problems with dcg2. She refuses to listen to anything I say anymore. Yesterday, any chance she got she stuck her hands/fingers in her mouth and smeared spit onto my walls/windows. She picked up several toys and threw them across the room. She yells obnoxiously at nap time. I am feeling the stress and this is new to me. I never had a child stress me out. I can't seem to get the parents on board to help(they are certainly the problem). Not sure what goes on at home😳 Yesterday mom picked up and as I tried to explain the day and how terrible it was, mom joked with dcg while dcg hit her mother and mom laughed and kept ignoring all things. I am just rambling here.
I would like help wording a "you have 2 weeks to get your shit straight" type of thing or I will be terminating care. It makes me sick to have to term over behavior issues, never had this happen before. But I am going to have a nervous breakdown. What do I do or say to these parents?
Thank you for any and all input.

rosieteddy 11-06-2019 05:08 AM

Obviously parent is not caring.I only got parent involved on huge behavior issues(biting ).Otherwise I would just point out difficulties (not listening ect).Parent doesn't care they do not have same issues they are not group care.I would start separating her from group aka sits next to you.Nap time I would stay in nap room if needed.If not able to move her away.Two yrs is when they start realizing they have choices.I would tell mom either stop the behavior at pick up or do "bye ,bye" outside .Explain to parent you can not condone that behavior at pick up.Have parent call from driveway hand off at door tell parent to go right to the car.

Valerie928 11-06-2019 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosieteddy (Post 710795)
Obviously parent is not caring.I only got parent involved on huge behavior issues(biting ).Otherwise I would just point out difficulties (not listening ect).Parent doesn't care they do not have same issues they are not group care.I would start separating her from group aka sits next to you.Nap time I would stay in nap room if needed.If not able to move her away.Two yrs is when they start realizing they have choices.I would tell mom either stop the behavior at pick up or do "bye ,bye" outside .Explain to parent you can not condone that behavior at pick up.Have parent call from driveway hand off at door tell parent to go right to the car.

I tried to tell the dad what has been going on here today at drop off. He made a joke about it and left. I can't fix everything myself, I need the parents on board.
I am aware of the bye bye outside technique. I have dcg ready right at pick up but mom stands here while dcg screams and acts obnoxious. I know I can hand her over and shut my door and will do so. My question is how do I word/say that I will have to terminate if things don't change. Just looking for polite wording and advice.

Tin Blues 11-06-2019 05:14 AM

How long have you had this child? Are you still in your 2 week trial period?

LostMyMarbles 11-06-2019 05:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valerie928 (Post 710794)
I am having behavioral problems with dcg2. She refuses to listen to anything I say anymore. Yesterday, any chance she got she stuck her hands/fingers in her mouth and smeared spit onto my walls/windows. She picked up several toys and threw them across the room. She yells obnoxiously at nap time. I am feeling the stress and this is new to me. I never had a child stress me out. I can't seem to get the parents on board to help(they are certainly the problem). Not sure what goes on at home😳 Yesterday mom picked up and as I tried to explain the day and how terrible it was, mom joked with dcg while dcg hit her mother and mom laughed and kept ignoring all things. I am just rambling here.
I would like help wording a "you have 2 weeks to get your shit straight" type of thing or I will be terminating care. It makes me sick to have to term over behavior issues, never had this happen before. But I am going to have a nervous breakdown. What do I do or say to these parents?
Thank you for any and all input.

I feel your pain. I started a new girl in September, who was about to turn four at the end of September. I started experiencing a lot of behavioral issues, similar to the ones you’ve described. The screaming over very simple things, like it’s time to pick up. She would just go into the screaming rage. She started acting out, kicking the kids, who are near her, and trying to hit the adults. I talk to the mom, she did blow me off, just like your mom. Then I talk to the dad. I told him it was not acceptable, something needed to be done or she was not going to be able to attend here anymore. He shared with me horror stories of how she is at home. The mom thinks it’s OK just to put her in her room and let her go while she’s having a fit. During one of her rages at home, she pulled her curtains and curtain rods right out of the wall. I told her dad that we need to get on board and do something about this. We decided ignoring it was about the only thing that had not been tried. When she would start to go off on one of her fits, We would take all of the other children into one of the other daycare rooms. Either me or my helper would watch her from another room, so she could not see us. We didn’t acknowledge it in anyway. We just let her go. After many times of doing this, she realize she was not going to get the attention for these fits. After all, alls they are is attention seeking fits anyways. We were constantly praising her on her good behavior, and what a great day she was having. It made me want to gag for constantly having to praise her for things she should be doing anyways. Things eased up quite a bit. I would recommend doing your best to ignore the bad behavior, to remove the other children into a different environment, and praising for the good behavior. If that doesn’t work, maybe it’s time to get rid of that child.

Unregistered 11-06-2019 05:41 AM

I would mark two weeks on your calendar. Report to them her behaviour at pick up each night. If no improvement happens during that time, then give notice.

Valerie928 11-06-2019 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tin Blues (Post 710797)
How long have you had this child? Are you still in your 2 week trial period?


I have had this child for almost 2 years. I have watched her behaviors progressively worsen over the past few months.

Blackcat31 11-06-2019 05:48 AM

You mentioned the parents making a joke about the issue when you relay the day to them at pick up. Can you elaborate more on that? What do they say to blow you off or not take you seriously? What types/kinds of excuses are they making? Is child full time?

I have never been a fan of probation periods as usually the issue is rarely "fixable" within that two weeks but it does provide some stress relief to your income as well as allowing parents to make alternate accommodations for child care.

Anyways, just curious about the parents and their approach to this issue.

Valerie928 11-06-2019 06:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackcat31 (Post 710802)
You mentioned the parents making a joke about the issue when you relay the day to them at pick up. Can you elaborate more on that? What do they say to blow you off or not take you seriously? What types/kinds of excuses are they making? Is child full time?

I have never been a fan of probation periods as usually the issue is rarely "fixable" within that two weeks but it does provide some stress relief to your income as well as allowing parents to make alternate accommodations for child care.

Anyways, just curious about the parents and their approach to this issue.

The parents are not on the same page. They constantly come in at pick up/drop off saying derogatory things about one another.

Example of how they don't listen to me, take me serious, joke around.....yesterday mom picks up, I hand off dcg. Dcg screaming kicking, hitting. Mom plays around with dcg making it all fun about how she is acting out. I tell mom/ try to tell mom about the bad day. Mom says nothing about it, just continues allowing dcg to act out. Mom then tries to tell me something funny dcg did yesterday. Wtf? Like I really care? Today at drop off dad was clearly never told about dcg day yesterday. I say "hope we are going to have a better day" Dad says " Huh? Laughs a bit and says " Now (child's name) we talked about this". He then leaves. So, ya

jenboo 11-06-2019 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valerie928 (Post 710806)
The parents are not on the same page. They constantly come in at pick up/drop off saying derogatory things about one another.

Example of how they don't listen to me, take me serious, joke around.....yesterday mom picks up, I hand off dcg. Dcg screaming kicking, hitting. Mom plays around with dcg making it all fun about how she is acting out. I tell mom/ try to tell mom about the bad day. Mom says nothing about it, just continues allowing dcg to act out. Mom then tries to tell me something funny dcg did yesterday. Wtf? Like I really care? Today at drop off dad was clearly never told about dcg day yesterday. I say "hope we are going to have a better day" Dad says " Huh? Laughs a bit and says " Now (child's name) we talked about this". He then leaves. So, ya

Just give a 2 week notice and be done.

DCGs contract at XX daycare will be terminated on 11/20/19. Tuition is due during this period whether or not DCG attends. The number for R&R (or whatever it's called in your address) is xxxxx.
Signed, daycare provider

Blackcat31 11-06-2019 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valerie928 (Post 710806)
The parents are not on the same page. They constantly come in at pick up/drop off saying derogatory things about one another.

Example of how they don't listen to me, take me serious, joke around.....yesterday mom picks up, I hand off dcg. Dcg screaming kicking, hitting. Mom plays around with dcg making it all fun about how she is acting out. I tell mom/ try to tell mom about the bad day. Mom says nothing about it, just continues allowing dcg to act out. Mom then tries to tell me something funny dcg did yesterday. Wtf? Like I really care? Today at drop off dad was clearly never told about dcg day yesterday. I say "hope we are going to have a better day" Dad says " Huh? Laughs a bit and says " Now (child's name) we talked about this". He then leaves. So, ya

I would start by listing the biggest issues you are having at daycare first. Once you've established what those issues are, I would type out your expectations on how they are managed/dealt with.

Identify the issue(s).
List your expectations
State your consequence for non-compliance on both DCG's and parent's part.

For example the DCG hitting her mother; I would say something like:

List the behavior [I would list "hitting adults".] at the top.

Then: "This is NOT acceptable and is behavior that leads to other types of physical aggression and disrespect to adults including caregivers, teachers and others in authoritative roles.

This behavior needs to stop. NOW.

As of today during ALL drop offs and pick ups I FULLY expect you, as the parent to take the lead in quashing this issue as you as the parent are her first and most important teacher.

If at any time DCG hits, pushes or is physically aggressive towards the adult picking her up or dropping off, I will ask you to leave immediately with no further conversation or interaction between us. Do NOT allow DCG to hit, kick or act in a physically aggressive way toward ANY adult including you. You can do this by using a firm but clear voice expressing your displeasure in her actions.

I will document and share with you daily any incidences of aggression towards others while she is here. I will redirect DCG from using her hands in any negative way and will remove and/or restrict her access to other children after being reminded more than twice.

Should she be removed from the group more than 3X's in one day I will call for immediate pick up.

My responsibility lies in ensuring all children have a safe and secure environment free from physical violence.

If you are in need of resources and/or any educational materials on how to manage this type of behavior issue with your child, please let me know as I too would like to see this issue addressed and solved as soon as possible.

Please note that if there is no improvement in her behavior by Thanksgiving I will unfortunately need to terminate our child care services agreement."



FWIW~ Personally I would just terminate care and I probably wouldn't even bother with a notice. I'd let parents know I've been having issues (the biggest being their lack of participation in solving this issue) and tell them on Friday you are done.

IF you have serious trouble in your area finding new enrollments, I'd atleast attempt to fix it with the above suggestion.

Valerie928 11-06-2019 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackcat31 (Post 710812)
I would start by listing the biggest issues you are having at daycare first. Once you've established what those issues are, I would type out your expectations on how they are managed/dealt with.

Identify the issue(s).
List your expectations
State your consequence for non-compliance on both DCG's and parent's part.

For example the DCG hitting her mother; I would say something like:

List the behavior [I would list "hitting adults".] at the top.

Then: "This is NOT acceptable and is behavior that leads to other types of physical aggression and disrespect to adults including caregivers, teachers and others in authoritative roles.

This behavior needs to stop. NOW.

As of today during ALL drop offs and pick ups I FULLY expect you, as the parent to take the lead in quashing this issue as you as the parent are her first and most important teacher.

If at any time DCG hits, pushes or is physically aggressive towards the adult picking her up or dropping off, I will ask you to leave immediately with no further conversation or interaction between us. Do NOT allow DCG to hit, kick or act in a physically aggressive way toward ANY adult including you. You can do this by using a firm but clear voice expressing your displeasure in her actions.

I will document and share with you daily any incidences of aggression towards others while she is here. I will redirect DCG from using her hands in any negative way and will remove and/or restrict her access to other children after being reminded more than twice.

Should she be removed from the group more than 3X's in one day I will call for immediate pick up.

My responsibility lies in ensuring all children have a safe and secure environment free from physical violence.

If you are in need of resources and/or any educational materials on how to manage this type of behavior issue with your child, please let me know as I too would like to see this issue addressed and solved as soon as possible.

Please note that if there is no improvement in her behavior by Thanksgiving I will unfortunately need to terminate our child care services agreement."



FWIW~ Personally I would just terminate care and I probably wouldn't even bother with a notice. I'd let parents know I've been having issues (the biggest being their lack of participation in solving this issue) and tell them on Friday you are done.

IF you have serious trouble in your area finding new enrollments, I'd atleast attempt to fix it with the above suggestion.

Thank you BC, all this info is extremely helpful. I would totally terminate care this Friday but she is full time. My head is spinning about what I should do🥺

Blackcat31 11-06-2019 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valerie928 (Post 710817)
Thank you BC, all this info is extremely helpful. I would totally terminate care this Friday but she is full time. My head is spinning about what I should do🥺

That is the BIGGEST issue I see...as in who's issue this is.

If parents are on board and working together with me to solve an issue, these things are easy.
If parents aren't on board, sometimes the threat to terminate suddenly shows them the light and they quickly get on board to fix the issue.
If they don't step up or don't even acknowledge there is an issue (or that there is one but it's only your issue) then you have your answer as to what YOU should do.

I understand not wanting to lose full time income Self-employment is scary sometimes) but seriously there comes a point when that full time income becomes worthless as the stress it generates outweighs the dollars....know what I mean?

Hang in there. :hug:
Type something up and give it to parents... you'll know by Friday if they're going to step up or not...

Ariana 11-06-2019 05:45 PM

“I cannot have a child here who is doing XYZ while in my care”. This is the phrase I have used to set up a possible termination for a child who tantrummed and hit her head off my floor repeatedly, a child who was so sleep deprived her whole personality went wonky after Christmas and a child who had such chronic constipation she pooped blood.

2/3 parents took me seriously and made changes. The other one I terminated. I would also stop talking to them at the door altogether. Email them a nice long email with your concerns and your ultimatums and say something like “I am writing this email because it can be difficult to chat at pickup and I do not like talking about children in front of them” this totally lets you off the hook of having a face to face confrontation with unreasonable people. Once they reply you can go from there. The point of the email is to once and for all address it and let them know if they do not change you are terminating. This way they are not blind sided.

Good luck!

Valerie928 11-07-2019 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariana (Post 710855)
“I cannot have a child here who is doing XYZ while in my care”. This is the phrase I have used to set up a possible termination for a child who tantrummed and hit her head off my floor repeatedly, a child who was so sleep deprived her whole personality went wonky after Christmas and a child who had such chronic constipation she pooped blood.

2/3 parents took me seriously and made changes. The other one I terminated. I would also stop talking to them at the door altogether. Email them a nice long email with your concerns and your ultimatums and say something like “I am writing this email because it can be difficult to chat at pickup and I do not like talking about children in front of them” this totally lets you off the hook of having a face to face confrontation with unreasonable people. Once they reply you can go from there. The point of the email is to once and for all address it and let them know if they do not change you are terminating. This way they are not blind sided.

Good luck!

Thank you! This is also great advice. I plan to type something up for tomorrow. I will also be doing "bye bye" outside as pick ups are absolutely ridiculous. If things don't improve I will have to term. I am actually feeling stress. I am very laid back normally and cope but it is one thing after the next with this kid and it's just getting to be overwhelming. I appreciate your advice 😊


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