Not Listening...
 

Im really struggling with DCG 3. She acts like rules dont apply to her and doesnt listen to what I tell her to do or not do. Ive never known a 3 year old to have so much "entitlement". An example:
I tell her "We dont throw toys, you may hurt someone." She acts like she heard me but 2 min later she starts throwing toys!:confused: She will even encourage kids to do the same. "Come on Jane lets throw the legos!"
Everyday I tell her Dont touch the baby, keep your hands to yourself, dont throw toys, dont climb on the furniture, dont touch *whatever*, clean up (refuses), dont hang on the curtains, no talking out of turn/during story time/circle time..the list goes on. My 2 year olds dont have a problem following the rules. Its like she has a defience disorder or impulse problem. If i put her in time out she tells me "i dont want to". She acts like its the worse thing in the world and I tell her behave and you wont have to go to time out. She doesnt care. I try time outs, taking toys away, idk what else to do. She doesnt seem to care about consequences. She also has the worst tantrums.
I dont understand why she thinks listening is a choice.
What else can I do...

You've used the words "I tell her X" a bunch of times. I can feel your frustration. Loss of control is the worst experience for me, for sure. But in your situation, listening is ABSOLUTELY a choice, because she isn't experiencing consequences in the right way.

She is not changing her behavior when you tell her things. She responds by doing what she thinks will get you off her case, and then carries on with what she wants.

The more you tell her, the more your instructions are becoming a drone she can easily tune out.

Pick 2--absolutely no more than 3--behaviors that you feel are the most crucial ones to curb immediately. Figure out what consequence is appropriate for each one. And the next time she arrives, don't give warnings--for anything. Let the other behaviors slide, because saying "don't do X" is just watering down your message. When she does those 2 or 3 behaviors, immediately implement the consequence, with minimal talking from you--just say "We do not do X" and make the consequence occur.

Notice the difference? It's not a command--"Stop doing X." It's a statement--"X is not going to be done." And you are the one who follows through to make sure X is not done. Don't explain, don't negotiate, don't gloat. Just do it. And do it consistently, and in a few weeks she'll hopefully have changed her behavior and you'll be able to move on to the next-most-critical items.

"Don't touch the baby" should be number one. I absolutely do not permit kids to touch infants. And I do not expect the kids to police their own behavior! Ensuring the safety of the infants is my job, not the job of the toddlers. So when a child gets grabby, I say "Oh, bummer. We don't touch the baby," and I pop that kid right over the gate into the other side of the playroom. (You need some way to keep the kids physically separated if they are picking on each other.)

She may have a disorder, but ignoring verbal instructions, having monstrous tantrums, and goading other kids into wild behavior are all expected behaviors at age 3. This is an opportunity for you to build new habits of responding to those behaviors, so when you encounter them in other kids you'll have a playbook.

Originally Posted by Pestle:
You've used the words "I tell her X" a bunch of times. I can feel your frustration. Loss of control is the worst experience for me, for sure. But in your situation, listening is ABSOLUTELY a choice, because she isn't experiencing consequences in the right way.

She is not changing her behavior when you tell her things. She responds by doing what she thinks will get you off her case, and then carries on with what she wants.

The more you tell her, the more your instructions are becoming a drone she can easily tune out.

Pick 2--absolutely no more than 3--behaviors that you feel are the most crucial ones to curb immediately. Figure out what consequence is appropriate for each one. And the next time she arrives, don't give warnings--for anything. Let the other behaviors slide, because saying "don't do X" is just watering down your message. When she does those 2 or 3 behaviors, immediately implement the consequence, with minimal talking from you--just say "We do not do X" and make the consequence occur.

Notice the difference? It's not a command--"Stop doing X." It's a statement--"X is not going to be done." And you are the one who follows through to make sure X is not done. Don't explain, don't negotiate, don't gloat. Just do it. And do it consistently, and in a few weeks she'll hopefully have changed her behavior and you'll be able to move on to the next-most-critical items.

"Don't touch the baby" should be number one. I absolutely do not permit kids to touch infants. And I do not expect the kids to police their own behavior! Ensuring the safety of the infants is my job, not the job of the toddlers. So when a child gets grabby, I say "Oh, bummer. We don't touch the baby," and I pop that kid right over the gate into the other side of the playroom. (You need some way to keep the kids physically separated if they are picking on each other.)

She may have a disorder, but ignoring verbal instructions, having monstrous tantrums, and goading other kids into wild behavior are all expected behaviors at age 3. This is an opportunity for you to build new habits of responding to those behaviors, so when you encounter them in other kids you'll have a playbook.

Thank you Im going to try this.
For the dont touch the baby, she touches the baby while im holding the baby. She will come up to me and start pulling at the legs. Idk why!

I bought a baby play yard and made a separate area in my playroom for non mobile infants so I wouldn't have to worry anymore about toddlers touching infants. It's been great and I wish I'd done that sooner! Also, in the beginning, I had a touchy toddler and she wanted to touch whatever baby I was holding. To help dissuade this, I bought her a baby doll with a carrier and baby bottle. Every time I would feed a baby and she'd want to help, I'd have her sit next to me and feed her baby instead. That helped so much!

If she's picking on the baby when you're holding the baby, she doesn't get to have access to you, either! :D She still gets popped over the gate.

I like Happy's solution, because redirection and forming a fun new habit are so much easier for everybody than just stopping a behavior that's become habit.

When it comes to touching the baby, pulling the curtains, etc., I've learned to avoid battles of the will. Much better to change the environment so the kids don't even have the opportunity to do the wrong thing. That could mean removing something that makes you happy (like changing your curtains out for something shorter or for cordless blinds), but when you think about how miserable you are fighting constantly with the kids over it, you find that removing the object raises your level of happiness.

Originally Posted by MomBoss:
Im really struggling with DCG 3. She acts like rules dont apply to her and doesnt listen to what I tell her to do or not do. Ive never known a 3 year old to have so much "entitlement". An example:
I tell her "We dont throw toys, you may hurt someone." She acts like she heard me but 2 min later she starts throwing toys!:confused: She will even encourage kids to do the same. "Come on Jane lets throw the legos!"
Everyday I tell her Dont touch the baby, keep your hands to yourself, dont throw toys, dont climb on the furniture, dont touch *whatever*, clean up (refuses), dont hang on the curtains, no talking out of turn/during story time/circle time..the list goes on. My 2 year olds dont have a problem following the rules. Its like she has a defience disorder or impulse problem. If i put her in time out she tells me "i dont want to". She acts like its the worse thing in the world and I tell her behave and you wont have to go to time out. She doesnt care. I try time outs, taking toys away, idk what else to do. She doesnt seem to care about consequences. She also has the worst tantrums.
I dont understand why she thinks listening is a choice.
What else can I do...

I have the matching dcb for this child!!! And I must say judging by the attitude of dcm the apple don’t fall far from the tree.

Also telling her what she CAN do. Instead of saying lots of negations of words try some positives and directions.

Its really hard when kids want negative attention. They will think of anything to try and make you mad so when you tell them what not to do they see it as an instruction manual I swear! I have two kids like it right now. I tell them what I want them to do and in the beginning I had to follow through with a consequence of “going to bed early”. Basically the 3 year old had to sit on his cot for a few minutes (which he hated so it worked). I now do the same with the 2 year old sister and it worked. After a few times of this plus telling them what I want them to do the behavior is completely gone!

Every morning upon arrival I'd set up expectations and let her know what will happen. Two/three expectations such as you are not allowed to touch baby, hands to yourself.

Get down at her level and look her in her eyes and tell her your expectations then tell her the consequence.

If you touch baby you will be at the table with a table toy. Firm, serious voice. What will happen if you touch baby? Have her tell you.

The fewer the words the better. No lectures. I agree if possible tell her what she can do or phrase it as "Legos on the floor"! Be firm. Use your firm voice. Be swift and consistent.

Throws Legos. Boom done - she's at the table separated with a toy you choose. Unless she can handle choosing.

Notice and comment when you see her doing something positive. Comment when you see other kids engaged in positive behavior.

I have one of those hand clappers from $ Tree that claps when you shake it back and forth. At random times when I see a child or a group doing something positive I get it out and clap it say yayyyyyy!

I have kid's binoculars I use too, and say "I see Susie cleaning up or I see Susie helping a friend." Or just cup your eyes with your hands to look like binoculars.

At circle time discuss in general scenarios like "Tell me what can happen if we throw toys." "That's right, it could hit someone's eye! Or , yes the baby could get hurt."

Talk about why there are rules. Tell them the rules you have. Such driving safe, etc.

Also, do you notice this happening at certain times of the day? Remember HATS. H-Is the child hungry? A - Is the child looking for/needing attention? T-Is the child tired? S-Is the child stressed, going through a stage or sick?

These things are all mood altering...for children and adults.

One other thing. What's your routine like? Is there a combination of active and quiet activities? What's your room set up? Do you need to rotate toys for interest or are there too many toys out? Etc.