Strong Willed Toddler Driving Me Over The Edge
 

I have a toddler who is pushing me to the brink. I actually have 3 kiddos under 19 months (AND 2 2 year olds and a 4 year old, full time), so my hands are full. But I have one in particular that makes my blood boil. We call him a bull in a china shop. He's very strong and pretty destructive. He is CONSTANTLY going and getting into places he shouldn't. I have baby-proofed to the best of my ability. I have removed/changed several things in an attempt to minimize my headaches. (Because, he's a toddler and I know this stuff is normal and expected.)

I just removed an end table that he was constantly walking (walking!) across between two couches. He bangs objects against my windows. He pries back the baby gate in front of the TV in order to access my book case (books), lamp, trash can, and TV stand (electronics!). I have literally stopped him doing one thing, and he's breaking into something else before I've turned around! When I went to the bathroom, I came back to him standing ON TOP of my changing table (also now moved), playing with blinds. He occasionally hits and takes toys, crawls on top or walks on other children. I once turned around doing dishes to find him standing on top of my then 10 month old daughter, who was folded in half, shrieking. He stands at the baby gate, popping it open ALL day long or crying any time he is not being paid attention to. On top of that, he's the only child who can't make it past lunch to nap time (and he takes the shortest naps) so by the time everyone else is ready for nap, he's awake! Leaving this provider with no break and lots more stress.

I KNOW he is a toddler and this is all normal and I KNOW he is napping at a schedule appropriate for his age and I KNOW I should not compare him to the child who is only 2 months older (and is very stubborn but at least follows SOME directions) but really. When he is gone, it's like the sun has come out. He used to not come on Fridays because dad was off but they asked for full weeks and I agreed.

So, what can I do? His parents are wonderful, they pay on time, they are first time parents and listen to suggestions. They are consistent with pick up. They love bringing him here. But I'm losing my cool. (I am also burnt out, which I posted about earlier but am taking a vacation in 3 weeks and cut my hours back slightly). I am not being a good provider for him or the others, when he is here. Is this something I can work on with behaviors or is he going to always be difficult???

In my experience... Some kids are just like that. No matter what you do, how hard you try they are just into everything! I had one like that- loved him- he was very sweet and actually not defiant BUT he was exausting and clueless! He ended up leaving and lets just say: I don't miss him:)

This is a situation I would term for.

I assume that you have communicated some of this stuff to his parents. Then, I'd gently tell them that you just don't think your program is a good fit for him. He needs to be somewhere that is designed for toddlers only; a home environment is a blend of home and daycare. A center classroom environment will most likely suit him better.

I'm sorry but I don't think any of that is normal. Maybe one or two behaviors but not full on Crazy Town!!

Honestly it sounds like he has zero discipline. I'd start there.

If that didn't work, I have to say I would term too. He is not only a danger to himself and others but a danger to your sanity as well.

NO toddler should be that much work....at that age, they are usually MORE than willing to please the adult in their life and comply with your house rules...if he isn't doing that "something" is giving him the impression that he doesn't HAVE to...kwim?

NOT saying you...just saying that this kind of behavior is usually rooted in parent styles, approaches and/or what's allowed at home.

I had twin toddlers like this that I termed. Afterwards, I heard stories from their next provider; they lasted 2 weeks. :ouch: and their next...

I also had their older sibs, b 4, and g 3, and they were another kind of awful (hitting ME, kicking ME, sassing beyond belief). Again, I've heard stories from the childcare community.

It's very possible that this little boy has some sensory seeking issues. But, unless you are going to have him evaluated and his parents/doc/etc. are going to work on a plan, I would term him.

Is this an only child? Sometimes, first time parents just can't believe what their child is or is not capable of comprehending and "obeying", for lack of a better word. I would try guiding the parents in discipline techniques. I keep a small lending library of parenting books at my front door for parents to borrow, and I often send home good parenting tips I find on line. I started doing this thinking that if I send things like this home to ALL parents regularly, the ones with the "bad" kids won't be so offended when they are the target.;)

I have seen lots of kids like this, and all but one learned quickly how things are done in our group-one still needs CONSTANT redirection at age 3.

How long as this DCB been with you?

I have noticed that big/strong for their age boys seem to be MUCH more physical about things (and tend to have lower than normal vocabularies) when they start w/ us- but that within 2 months or so they get the picture.

We have 1 right now that started w/ us 6 weeks ago. He is 23 mo but the size and strength of a 3.5 yo. He talks very little- when he wants something he tries to get it instead of asking for it, a toy, food, drink, etc. He watches a lot and copies the other children so gradually he has figured out our routines and how we do things and is falling right in place happyface

Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I'm sorry but I don't think any of that is normal. Maybe one or two behaviors but not full on Crazy Town!!

Honestly it sounds like he has zero discipline. I'd start there.

If that didn't work, I have to say I would term too. He is not only a danger to himself and others but a danger to your sanity as well.

NO toddler should be that much work....at that age, they are usually MORE than willing to please the adult in their life and comply with your house rules...if he isn't doing that "something" is giving him the impression that he doesn't HAVE to...kwim?

NOT saying you...just saying that this kind of behavior is usually rooted in parent styles, approaches and/or what's allowed at home.

I completely agree with this. At that young of an age, a STERN "NO, DCB!" should be enough to stop him in his tracks.

I would ask his parents "What do you do when little Joe does _____" and what they respond with usually gives you an indication of the parenting (or NON parenting he gets at home). How do his parents act/react when he misbehaves at drop off and pick up? I am assuming these behaviors are allowed at the least or encouraged at most. NOT normal toddler behavior, imho.

Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I'm sorry but I don't think any of that is normal. Maybe one or two behaviors but not full on Crazy Town!!

Honestly it sounds like he has zero discipline. I'd start there.

If that didn't work, I have to say I would term too. He is not only a danger to himself and others but a danger to your sanity as well.

NO toddler should be that much work....at that age, they are usually MORE than willing to please the adult in their life and comply with your house rules...if he isn't doing that "something" is giving him the impression that he doesn't HAVE to...kwim?

NOT saying you...just saying that this kind of behavior is usually rooted in parent styles, approaches and/or what's allowed at home.

It may not be normal. It is normal at my home. I always seem to forget that most of my kids are a little different, because most of them come from a background of neglect and sometimes abuse (high ratio of foster kids). It's amazing what you can get used to in terms of behavior, and how I forget what "normal" kids are like. 2/3 of the kids in my care are currently in foster homes. The "normal" kids are the ones that I consider to be especially well-behaved, and I am amazed when their parents complain about behavior issues, because I find them to be angels at my home (probably because I am blinded by the outrageous behavior of a couple in my care right now!).

Originally Posted by JoseyJo:
How long as this DCB been with you?

I have noticed that big/strong for their age boys seem to be MUCH more physical about things (and tend to have lower than normal vocabularies) when they start w/ us- but that within 2 months or so they get the picture.

We have 1 right now that started w/ us 6 weeks ago. He is 23 mo but the size and strength of a 3.5 yo. He talks very little- when he wants something he tries to get it instead of asking for it, a toy, food, drink, etc. He watches a lot and copies the other children so gradually he has figured out our routines and how we do things and is falling right in place happyface

This is exactly him. Big, strong kid, low vocab (he's just now picking up 2-3 words and 2 sign language words) He is 17 months today. He has been with me roughly since he was 6 months (minus 2 months because I had to close for a short period). Even at 6 months, he was a very fussy baby. It was like he had to be entertained, instead of having a natural curiosity for his environment. He suffered acid reflux and has had numerous illnesses so it always seems like something is wrong. His mom is VERY perky and I know he has a large family that spoils him (only child, only grandchild...) I don't think mom sees a lot of these behaviors at home, honestly because he already has her full-on attention already. I have heard numerous other (family/friends of hers) comment on what a handful he is so I know I'm not delusional or exaggerating. I do give them advice and have tried to guide her toward making him less dependent (they do want to have another kiddo).

Her previous provider and myself have tried here and there to get them to baby him less. I think I need to have a talk about discipline. When I expressed my frustration at his standing on my furniture and walking across the end table, she was embarrassed and said, "Oh my gosh, we have dance parties on the coffee table. We'll stop doing that." So, yeah, I just don't think they consider that what he's allowed to do at home, will be tried elsewhere!!

So I guess I had myself fooled into think he would get better as he aged? I kept telling myself, "when he can do X, he'll be happier." But I'm wondering if it's ever going to end? If he's ever going to mellow out?

I could have written this on Monday. On Wed, I termed my toddler. She was the sweetest girl in the world, but my house was on full lock down. I had to rearrange my furniture, use every single child proofing tool in the book and the potty trainers were upset because they needed to ask me to use the potty so I can unlock everything. We had our good days and bad days. Then she became a runner. I don't have a lot of options for runners, but when she ran into the street, I gave her parents a written warning of what happened, what my plans were, and if, despite my plans, she runs again, she is termed immediately. I gave them a ton of resources including Early Development Intervention, The out-of-sync child has fun (more on that later), ideas and the next day they came at said, "We thought about it and we think she is just too independent. You just have to watch her." I knew right then it wouldn't work. Three weeks later, she ran and I said bye. I will not have a child get hurt on my watch.

As for the out-of-sync child, I did a lot of ideas you would do if a child have SPD. My son is the same way, when I started these exercises, he calmed way down. Essentially, in your case, the child's senses are under sensitive and they are trying to find a way to stimulate themselves. Jumping on the sofa or climbing, wrap them tight in a blanket and roll them across the floor or do airplanes (lay on your back, they lay on your upright feet). Touching the tv, dvd, buttons, etc, make a toys of locks, jack in the box, any toy that does an instant reaction when you touch it or easy puzzles.

As for the little girl, even though I had to be her shadow, on her good days she responded to everything well, but on her bad days she was sitting in her booster with activities the whole time. That was the other thing, it wasn't fair to her that her only option was to be strapped down. all. the. time. she needed to be in an environment suit for her needs whether she was spd or not.