Discipline, Blanket, WWYD?
 

I enrolled a child, 5 years old, 2 days per week. Today is his 3rd day.

During the first interview mom told me DCK has a lot of behavior issues. She mentioned: trouble focusing, trouble listening, said he played rough and he mentioned that he has been exposed to some inappropriate content for a 5 year old (Freddy Kruger, etc.) She was kind of evasive about his last care provider, but it sounded like it was an immediate term. First she called the provider a nanny. Then she said the provider had 5 other children in care. But the end result (according to mom) was that the provider refused to care for DCK, gave no notice and wouldn't return communication from mom.

Mom returned and I had her bring DCK with her. He did NOT listen to her. He climbed shelves, stood on toys and mom had to repeat herself multiple times. When DCK stood on a toy (a baby doll crib) I intervened, corrected DCK and took him by the hand, told him he needed to listen to his mother, clean up and go home.

The ONLY reason I continued with enrollment is because when I intervened DCK listened and mom did not act offended. Figured this was a good sign....DCK clearly runs the show at home but if he will listen to me here, I don't care what happens at home.

First day here was great. Second day here I saw many of the behaviors mom warned me about but it was still an overall okay day. Today is his 3rd day and he has been terrible. I set expectations, gave warnings, separated him, etc. Finally during lunch I told him if I had to correct him again he would lose his blanket (lovey) during nap time. Less than 2 minutes later he kicked the child sitting across from him. I told him he had lost his blanket and he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs for 45 minutes. Once nap time began, the other children were sleeping and I left the room he immediately stopped screaming and fell asleep.

For those reading:

Classroom is adjacent to the main part of my house (open concept) so I can be in another room and still see/hear DCK's.

I supply all children with a nap mat and blanket that remains here. This child was NOT without a mat or blanket, he was just without his lovey.

Child also does not have lovey (or think, mention, etc. throughout the day. Just at nap time.)

My question is: would you have done the same thing? It seems like his lovey is his "currency" and may be the only thing I have to work with here. But, I am second guessing myself?

I think you did everything right but I too would second guess myself about the lovey. To me, it's the one thing that comforts or provides security to him. Whether that is truly needed or not I don't know but I have issues with not allowing a comfort item...but that's just me.. I feel like it's the transition piece for a child in a new environment...kwim?

I would however remove a privilege or a special activity from his day when he misbehaves. At 3 I might have warnings, or advance notice type methods but at 5 (unless developmentally delayed) he DOES know better when it comes to hitting and to listening to adults.

I would break down the day into smaller parts and during each part, have something fun planned that he may look forward to. ANY time he misbehaves I wouldn't even warn him, I wouldn't inform him either. Telling him he lost something "coming up" will incite the scream fit... so I would just be pretty short and blunt and then when the time comes to do the fun activity or have the special thing, tell him he "SHOWED" you that he didn't want it, isn't old enough or didn't care about it by his behavior. Rinse and repeat....most manipulative 5 yr olds figure out pretty quickly that the tools they use at home (screaming fits, ignoring etc) don't work as well at daycare.

Finding his currency is always a good starting point but removing his power to influence, annoy, hurt or be rude to others seems to have a lasting impression. Manipulative kids with behavior issues have been some of THE smartest kids I've ever dealt with... :rolleyes:

Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I think you did everything right but I too would second guess myself about the lovey. To me, it's the one thing that comforts or provides security to him.

This was why I second guessed myself. Based on his behavior here, I don't think it is truly needed. But in the past comfort items have always been off limits as an item to take away.

He woke a little earlier from nap than usual. I brought him into another room and we had another chat about listening, making good choices and being kind to others. He apologized without prompting, I gave him his blanket and he laid back down. When he woke he said "I always listen to you Miss Baby Beluga." and we had the same chat as earlier again.

Learning experience for us both, I suppose.

I think you were right. Only because he was violent. I think once children show violence, care should be terminated. Honestly, a verbal five year old shouldn't be hitting/kicking/ect. This child sound manipulative. If it were me, I'd term. I'm not one to jump the gun on such things. Him and his mom sound strange. I also think, you're going to have issues because he's going to "forget" all of the rules while he's out of your care.

I had to do this with a child recently. I used his bed as a punishment which I NEVER do. Bed is a safe spot. He hated bed though so I had no other choice:o. I felt terrible but he was also displaying violent behaviour and hitting and my usual firm voice at eye level and taking away priviledge tactics were not working at all. It nipped it in the bud right away. Within a month the violent behavior went away completely by just sending him to his bed twice for a few minutes and then threats to be sent there. “If you hit you will be sent to your bed” or “and what happens if you hit”?...sets expectation and then follow through if non compliant.

Sometimes you have to undo a LOT of bad parenting in a short amount of time :hug: I don’t mind working slowly with other behaviors but violence is not tolerated at all.

I don't think what you did was out of line at all.

I usually try to use natural consequences, but I up the ante for hitting. At 5? NO WAY is that acceptable.

I probably wouldn't take his lovey unless he was misbehaving with his lovey at nap time.
I would separate him completely from the other kids each time he misbehaves, maybe have a small box of toys or books to do by himself until he learns to listen and behave appropriately, if he continues to misbehave take the box away OR tell him he will have to take a nap. His behavior is set in it could take some time for him to understand but if it's too bad and if you have a trial period terminating may be your next option.

I have tried other ways of behavior modification for truly difficult children and it just didn't work. If it takes the lovey to make him listen I would definitely use it as his currency. This is his time to really test the limits with you because you(and the whole group/environment)are new to him. Of course he's going to see how much he can get away with. If you show him you mean business right at the start, it'll be easier to let up a bit as he learns to listen better; thus earning back the lovey. Taking away a lovey might seem cruel but he has issues that you do NOT want to have him continue.
As Ariana has done, I also used a crib for separating a 'just starting to bite and hit' toddler. I didn't feel good about it BUT I also didn't want to send the 7 mo home with bite marks on his fingers. So I put the 17 mo in the crib while tending to others in the bathroom, etc. Sometimes I just can't be right there all the time.:(
IF this child was much younger, say 2 or so, I would try different tactics first but being 5 yo, I feel taking something away that's very important to him might be a key way to it working. Good luck!!