because my kids can act up in the presence of "some" parents, and be perfectly fine in the presence of others, I would allow parents to stay depending on the outcome

Am I misunderstanding this, or is it a VERY part time young infant in a brand new (less than a week) daycare situation?

Give it time.

I recommend;
sending a tshirt or blanket that you have slept with for her to cuddle with (for your smell)

stop allowing her to sleep in her crib. OMG! That is dangerous and HORRIBLE for transitioning to daycare. A licensed provider cannot allow a child to sleep in a crib for any length of time.

Get her on a schedule at home, adjust her schedule to the daycare schedule as far as feeding and napping.

Do NOT co sleep, hold her during naps, rock her to sleep. Take the time to sleep train your child.

If you are breast feeding, make sure someone gives her a bottle at least daily.

Drop and leave. It is MUCH harder for any child when a parent lingers. I wouldn't be able to accommodate a parent staying, the other children in my care would freak out at a stranger present.

I agree that it will take some time. However, the constant crying even at home reminds me of other things. Have you researched high need/spirited kids? Helped a lot w/ my son, as I'd never dealt with the issues and personality he brought.

Originally Posted by daycarediva:
Am I misunderstanding this, or is it a VERY part time young infant in a brand new (less than a week) daycare situation?

Give it time.

I recommend;
sending a tshirt or blanket that you have slept with for her to cuddle with (for your smell)

stop allowing her to sleep in her crib. OMG! That is dangerous and HORRIBLE for transitioning to daycare. A licensed provider cannot allow a child to sleep in a crib for any length of time.

Get her on a schedule at home, adjust her schedule to the daycare schedule as far as feeding and napping.

Do NOT co sleep, hold her during naps, rock her to sleep. Take the time to sleep train your child.

If you are breast feeding, make sure someone gives her a bottle at least daily.

Drop and leave. It is MUCH harder for any child when a parent lingers. I wouldn't be able to accommodate a parent staying, the other children in my care would freak out at a stranger present.

I agree.
And daycarediva...I think you mean swing, not crib...;)

Originally Posted by nannyde:
I wouldn't be able to provide services for your infant. I would be scared off because of your perception of her crying and your attribution as to why. The words you attach to it are subjective but, as you have learned in the few months you have been a parent, your perception becomes fact whether it is really true or not. Your perception leads you to believe she is one extreme to another... hysterical when with or been with others and perfectly calm and content with mama.

The stories you already have in your brief experience with child care are enough to ruin a provider if retold in an online review or recounted to the DHS via you or any person who hears your story and decides the provider needs DHS involvement.

I wouldn't touch this gig. I wouldn't allow a four hour interview for as many days as you deem necessary. Your hanging out to transition the baby is really you interviewing the provider. You call it transition but the provider will think it is you interviewing and you (the newbie parent) assessing the providers ability to do no cry care.

I keep thinking how in the heck did my granny who had eleven kids over twenty years produce such great and healthy kids. She not only had kid after kid but she worked a farm and supported them with her hands and back. She didn't spend a minute worrying about brain damage because of crying. Her worries were enough food to go around, laundry, money for a car, and clothing her brood. She had it way easier than you though. You spend your worry on one kids crying. She had tangible worry of basic survival.

Well said!

NannyDe is right.
You're perception of what is happening has now become your own truth. You feel that your daughter is being neglected at daycare and in your absence and you don't trust your provider to be able to move past that without your supervision. If that is how you feel, that is fine. Just own it. Quit your job and stay home with your infant. That choice is okay to make!

But be aware that transitioning at 6 months or a year almost always is harder than infant age. Babies and young toddlers are very aware of the change, much more so than infants. If you stay home, I suggest staying till 15 or 18 months when you child is ready to be more independent and able to move into group care a bit better.

I am reading between the lines here but it appears that what you really want by posting here is for people to support you decision to stay home and support the idea that your child is going to be damaged by crying and that your provider and your child will not be able to adjust to this scenario. I cannot support all those ideas because as a mother of four and an experienced daycare provider, experience tells me otherwise HOWEVER, I support your right to decide what is best for your family. If you dont want to wait out an adjustment period and you want the support to quit your job, here it is from me.

Lastly, you have the best scenario possible....a nanny for daycare cost. That is as good as it gets. You wont be able to find a better set up than that. And now that I know that your provider has no other kids in care, I think staying for half days is definitely a bad idea. Your infant will almost surely not benefit from this and it will be you that is trying to "interview" the provider and gain a comfort level during those times. It does not take two adults to care for one baby and do nothing else. Sounds horribly awkward for the provider. I cant imagine that she will take it any other way than a bad way BUT if you want to ask and she is okay with it, then by all means, try it. I just dont think it will change anything for you. I think you would sit in her house for a week or two and then quit your job anyway so that would be a waste of her time. I could be wrong, but I probably am not.

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
NannyDe is right.
You're perception of what is happening has now become your own truth. You feel that your daughter is being neglected at daycare and in your absence and you don't trust your provider to be able to move past that without your supervision. If that is how you feel, that is fine. Just own it. Quit your job and stay home with your infant. That choice is okay to make!

But be aware that transitioning at 6 months or a year almost always is harder than infant age. Babies and young toddlers are very aware of the change, much more so than infants. If you stay home, I suggest staying till 15 or 18 months when you child is ready to be more independent and able to move into group care a bit better.

I am reading between the lines here but it appears that what you really want by posting here is for people to support you decision to stay home and support the idea that your child is going to be damaged by crying and that your provider and your child will not be able to adjust to this scenario. I cannot support all those ideas because as a mother of four and an experienced daycare provider, experience tells me otherwise HOWEVER, I support your right to decide what is best for your family. If you dont want to wait out an adjustment period and you want the support to quit your job, here it is from me.

Lastly, you have the best scenario possible....a nanny for daycare cost. That is as good as it gets. You wont be able to find a better set up than that. And now that I know that your provider has no other kids in care, I think staying for half days is definitely a bad idea. Your infant will almost surely not benefit from this and it will be you that is trying to "interview" the provider and gain a comfort level during those times. It does not take two adults to care for one baby and do nothing else. Sounds horribly awkward for the provider. I cant imagine that she will take it any other way than a bad way BUT if you want to ask and she is okay with it, then by all means, try it. I just dont think it will change anything for you. I think you would sit in her house for a week or two and then quit your job anyway so that would be a waste of her time. I could be wrong, but I probably am not.

That was my first thought too.... I think OP simply wants a group of experienced providers to tell her what she wants to hear.

I have NEVER heard of emotionally damaging an infant when it comes to crying.

I also do NOT believe that a 4 month old has the capabilities to suffer from separation anxiety.

I think OP WANTS to stay home and care for her own child but needs "permission" or some sort of logical reasoning to give her a push to make that decision.

I also think moving her from one provider to the next in such sort periods of time is MORE damaging to her emotionally than the crying.

Originally Posted by blandino:
Think about the relationship you had when your first brought your baby home from the hospital. You spent time listening to her cries and trying to decipher what she wanted and needed. You have to let the daycare provider and the baby develop the same relationship. It really isn't abnormal. I sound like a broken record, but you have to give it time and patience and let the caregiver and the baby develop a relationship.

Trying to get to know my LO initially was a disaster!! HAHA! She did cry hysterically on occasion and I had no idea what she wanted, or if she even needed anything. It did take awhile to finally figure it out.

I appreciate the broken record reminders!

Originally Posted by TwinKristi:
I agree... They need more time. And you need to stop meddling. I get that it's your baby but she'll never acclimate if you always come to the rescue. The provider will be anxious, you'll be anxious, baby will be anxious. Maybe try being happy and positive and talking about his fun daycare is and how happy you are and she'll see you're happy and she should be too! And once she gets the routine and the idea that you leave and come back than she'll be much happier. I had an 18 month old who cried for like 3wks and mom and Nana were so afraid to leave but an 8 month old who never cried and mom was very happy and not nervous. Babies feel your anxiety and unhappiness from you too.

I know, you're so right! I know my "rescue her" mentality is increasing the anxiety for everyone. I need to make up my mind whether I'm in or not. If I'm in I will start focusing more on the positives. Thanks!

Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
That was my first thought too.... I think OP simply wants a group of experienced providers to tell her what she wants to hear.

I have NEVER heard of emotionally damaging an infant when it comes to crying.

I also do NOT believe that a 4 month old has the capabilities to suffer from separation anxiety.

I think OP WANTS to stay home and care for her own child but needs "permission" or some sort of logical reasoning to give her a push to make that decision.

I also think moving her from one provider to the next in such sort periods of time is MORE damaging to her emotionally than the crying.

likethis Totally agree. If sounds like staying home is the best option for this parent.

Originally Posted by MotherNature:
I agree that it will take some time. However, the constant crying even at home reminds me of other things. Have you researched high need/spirited kids? Helped a lot w/ my son, as I'd never dealt with the issues and personality he brought.

No I haven't but I will. Thank you!

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
NannyDe is right.
You're perception of what is happening has now become your own truth. You feel that your daughter is being neglected at daycare and in your absence and you don't trust your provider to be able to move past that without your supervision. If that is how you feel, that is fine. Just own it. Quit your job and stay home with your infant. That choice is okay to make!

But be aware that transitioning at 6 months or a year almost always is harder than infant age. Babies and young toddlers are very aware of the change, much more so than infants. If you stay home, I suggest staying till 15 or 18 months when you child is ready to be more independent and able to move into group care a bit better.

I am reading between the lines here but it appears that what you really want by posting here is for people to support you decision to stay home and support the idea that your child is going to be damaged by crying and that your provider and your child will not be able to adjust to this scenario. I cannot support all those ideas because as a mother of four and an experienced daycare provider, experience tells me otherwise HOWEVER, I support your right to decide what is best for your family. If you dont want to wait out an adjustment period and you want the support to quit your job, here it is from me.

Lastly, you have the best scenario possible....a nanny for daycare cost. That is as good as it gets. You wont be able to find a better set up than that. And now that I know that your provider has no other kids in care, I think staying for half days is definitely a bad idea. Your infant will almost surely not benefit from this and it will be you that is trying to "interview" the provider and gain a comfort level during those times. It does not take two adults to care for one baby and do nothing else. Sounds horribly awkward for the provider. I cant imagine that she will take it any other way than a bad way BUT if you want to ask and she is okay with it, then by all means, try it. I just dont think it will change anything for you. I think you would sit in her house for a week or two and then quit your job anyway so that would be a waste of her time. I could be wrong, but I probably am not.

Buyer beware that this child care provider WILL take other children and most likely very soon. There's not enough money in one baby. This parent needs to realize that there will come a day very soon when the provider gets the next baby who needs four hour parental interviews and "teaching" for THAT baby to not cry. This baby will have to endure the provider doing another acclimation transition with a complete stranger parent hanging around for hours over days and the focus of the provider will shift from her no cry training to another babies no cry training so the provider can have money.

There's value in the newbie provider having this experience right out of the gate. For some providers there may be value to this but I think most by far would see it as a ridiculous amount of one to one parent care in a group setting. The newbie provider needs to work out what she will do when subjected to these kinds of requests as they will come often. The parent who is concerned about crying brain damage is becoming the majority. How they deal with "transition" to stave off the brain damage will be different with each parent. One thing for certain... the solution will ALWAYS be more. More one to one... more parent... more time. It won't translate into the provider having a smooth easy time as she gets to know the kid.

The provider also needs the experience of divesting a TON of prestart time and "transition" time and end up loosing the kid anyway because the one to one no cry care can't really be done in a group and the provider dissatisfaction for working SO hard for so little will rear it's head soon. Providers who consider doing this kind of upfront investment need to set basic pay rates to reflect the high probability that they will only have the child a short time after the parent interviewing and transitioning stops. They need to require a substantial upfront amount of money that will pay for the slot for the duration of how long it takes to fill a slot. They need at least a full MONTH of salary from the point where the "transition" time stops forward. That way they have some security of income to cover till the next no cry baby comes along. If she does it for free... meaning only getting care money for this level of parent time she will learn VERY quickly she did a ton of work for a few dollars an hour. That will sting.

More than half of my consulting work now is working with providers trying to manage attachment parents with no cry babies (no cry in fear of brain damage) , toddlers, and the preschooler who has been raised in it in their setting. I never in a million years thought I would have income coming in as a direct result of no cry parenting. Never thought I would make a dime off of it... but alas it is quite the money maker. :rolleyes:

Yes, everyone is right! You need to give it time.
Babies cry!
She is adjusting to a new caregiver and environment.
It seems as if you WANT your child to have separation anxiety.
I would never let a DCP stay to make the adjustment "easier". It may be easier for YOU but trust me, it's only confusing and harder for your daughter.
I think your provider is amazing for sending you pics every hour.
Let your daughter and provider have time to bond.

Let us know what you end up doing. Good luck!

Honesty with yourself is required. What is it that you feel is best for your family? Honesty about what you feel is best for both you and your child. Honesty about the temperment of your child and the care you feel is best for her.

You have said she "She never does this at home. She almost never cries. If she wants something she kind of babbles in a very loud, whinny voice." yet have also said "She was VERY colicky when she was little. I listened to nothing but crying for months and I know every kind of cry she makes."

IF you want your child to be in care, then allow her and the provider time to adjust.

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
NannyDe is right.
You're perception of what is happening has now become your own truth. You feel that your daughter is being neglected at daycare and in your absence and you don't trust your provider to be able to move past that without your supervision. If that is how you feel, that is fine. Just own it. Quit your job and stay home with your infant. That choice is okay to make!

As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

I don't think it's offensive to sensitive providers. I think that most providers who have been doing childcare for a long time, know that staying with a child only makes it harder for the child and the provider. If you are there to be with your child, how is she going to connect with the provider? Of course she will go to you if you are there. You are her mommy!

I haven't had time to read all of the responses but my 22 years experience doing home childcare tells me this: you have trained her that if she cries hard enough and long enough you will come and pick her up. She just needs more adjustment time and time to bond with the provider. In time she will learn to trust that the provider will and can meet her needs also. You will always be her preferred choice though and she will never want you to leave. You might try sending along a blanket from home with home smells on it for awhile.

Good luck!

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I know, you're so right! I know my "rescue her" mentality is increasing the anxiety for everyone. I need to make up my mind whether I'm in or not. If I'm in I will start focusing more on the positives. Thanks!

I just wanted to let you know that I do sympathize with you.
It's hard to leave your baby. It's hard to know that they are with someone else and not you. It's hard when they cry, especially when they aren't with you. Sometimes, it can just be plain hard.

With that said, I've been on both sides. When I had my dd (10 years ago), I took her to a fcc part time, but not until she was 1. She didn't cry, and seemed to like it so it it was easy for me.
Then when she was 3, I took her to a center dc. I worked there so it was a little easier for me, but she did cry sometimes and it did break my heart, BUT I trusted the teacher and knew that I had to give it time and had to walk away when she cried, it was hard, but if I stayed it would have been worse. (I worked there, but tried to not let her see me unless it was time to go home).

But, during both times, I was in school for child development and had been and was working with children in a dc environment, and that combined with all my experiences working with families, I knew what to expect and what worked best, especially for the child's well being. Even though I hated to see my dd cry (I'm a huge softie), I knew that me being by her only made it worse.

Sorry, I'm trying to get my point across and it's dragging on....lol

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think that we, as providers, have the experience of working with children and their families, have seen many different scenario's of different family dynamic's (if that makes sense) and know the in's and out's of child development (not all providers, but most). It's easy for us to say do this and do that, because we have been there and done that.

But you as parents, (many) do not have the experience working with kids in a dc/fcc environment. It's really hard for some to see what we see because you haven't been there or done that. I'm not in any way putting anyone down, just saying that it can be really hard for parents to take our advice and be comfortable with it when they have no experience in this field outside of their own children. Just like I probably wouldn't know what to do with your job...

All I can say is take the advice you get on here and do what YOU feel is best.

Gosh....I hope this makes sense. I have a hard time getting my point across, I know what I want to say, just not how to say it! And I think it's awesome that you came on here to get advice, and from your responses, are taking or looking into it! :)

Good luck!

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

It's not offensive. It's just a bunch of work that most likely won't work out to make the provider money over time.

Your request isn't unusual. Your perception of your baby is VERY VERY common. Your solutions are common.

This aint our first time to this rodeo. I wish newbie parents could understand that what they come up with and attribute to their child we have seen a ZILLION times. It's not unique. It's not special. It's not child specific.

We have had the same words you use come to our ears. We have had the same facial expressions you use to convey your worry. We have had many many requests to do the parent in order to have the money to do the kid.

Your face looks the same.
Your voice inflection is the same.
Your analysis is the same.
Your child is the same.

It's not new. Nothing you have said hasn't come knocking at our door.

It's WORK. The question you should be asking is if this amount of WORK for the provider is worth the money you are paying her. You should ask what kind of compensation should you be offering to her that is above the child care rate to compensate her for doing you and your kid at this level.

It's not about you or what you think your kid needs. It's about WORK and time. Work and time that will most likely end the way it ended with your previous providers.

No offense to you OP though. Please don't take me wrong. I'm all for picking the kind of parenting you want for your kid. She's your kid so do as you wish. I've been at this long enough to know there are a zillion right ways to raise a kid. My only interest is how does that work in group care and what cost to the provider to fetter through no cry parenting to find the ones who will stay. Your chances of staying are so slim. Your perception is dangerous to a providers long term success. It just is what it is. You could really damage someone's future with your perceptions if you decided to spread the word.

Originally Posted by melilley:
I agree.
And daycarediva...I think you mean swing, not crib...;)

:lol: yes, swing. ;)

Originally Posted by nannyde:
Buyer beware that this child care provider WILL take other children and most likely very soon. There's not enough money in one baby. This parent needs to realize that there will come a day very soon when the provider gets the next baby who needs four hour parental interviews and "teaching" for THAT baby to not cry. This baby will have to endure the provider doing another acclimation transition with a complete stranger parent hanging around for hours over days and the focus of the provider will shift from her no cry training to another babies no cry training so the provider can have money.

There's value in the newbie provider having this experience right out of the gate. For some providers there may be value to this but I think most by far would see it as a ridiculous amount of one to one parent care in a group setting. The newbie provider needs to work out what she will do when subjected to these kinds of requests as they will come often. The parent who is concerned about crying brain damage is becoming the majority. How they deal with "transition" to stave off the brain damage will be different with each parent. One thing for certain... the solution will ALWAYS be more. More one to one... more parent... more time. It won't translate into the provider having a smooth easy time as she gets to know the kid.

The provider also needs the experience of divesting a TON of prestart time and "transition" time and end up loosing the kid anyway because the one to one no cry care can't really be done in a group and the provider dissatisfaction for working SO hard for so little will rear it's head soon. Providers who consider doing this kind of upfront investment need to set basic pay rates to reflect the high probability that they will only have the child a short time after the parent interviewing and transitioning stops. They need to require a substantial upfront amount of money that will pay for the slot for the duration of how long it takes to fill a slot. They need at least a full MONTH of salary from the point where the "transition" time stops forward. That way they have some security of income to cover till the next no cry baby comes along. If she does it for free... meaning only getting care money for this level of parent time she will learn VERY quickly she did a ton of work for a few dollars an hour. That will sting.

More than half of my consulting work now is working with providers trying to manage attachment parents with no cry babies (no cry in fear of brain damage) , toddlers, and the preschooler who has been raised in it in their setting. I never in a million years thought I would have income coming in as a direct result of no cry parenting. Never thought I would make a dime off of it... but alas it is quite the money maker. :rolleyes:

I am not at all saying that I would offer or support this service from a provider perspective. My point was, this mom has a great deal for now. A provider that has ALL day to transition and care for one baby. Baby will be good and comfy by the time another child is added. Many parents would kill for that scenario so again, this is as good as it gets from the parent perspective. If the OP does not think this is good enough, nothing ever will be good enough and mom should just own that and stay home.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

Feel free to link that article. I would love to see if it references reliable sources, was written by someone with many years of childcare and child development, etc, etc.

You are talking about crying being detrimental to your child so the natural implication because she is crying, is that you feel the current daycare situation is neglectful to her needs. Its fine if you feel that way.

I will say that your back and forth on the facts as you see them are conflicting and it appears that either you are editing posts or perhaps I am not seeing everything you are posting.

Anyway, I stand by my statements. I find it very telling that you post and highlight ONE thing I said that you did not like yet you have not commented on the rest of my very thorough post. It does not look like you want a solution. It looks like you want people to agree with you.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
You have said she "She never does this at home. She almost never cries. If she wants something she kind of babbles in a very loud, whinny voice." yet have also said "She was VERY colicky when she was little. I listened to nothing but crying for months and I know every kind of cry she makes."

Sorry for all the confusion! I meant to say that she hasnt really cried in almost two months.

I think you really have only two choices:

#1 Stay home and raise/care for your own child.

#2 Get a nanny

With either choice, your child will get the level of care that you are seeking.

You will also get to dictate EXACTLY how your child is cared for.

Sounds like it's a win-win solution for your DD, you and whatever child care provider you are currently using.

fwiw~ I'm not trying to be snarky..... I just don't see any other solution working. Your levels of expectation is just not something a group family provider can manage.

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
I am not at all saying that I would offer or support this service from a provider perspective. My point was, this mom has a great deal for now. A provider that has ALL day to transition and care for one baby. Baby will be good and comfy by the time another child is added. Many parents would kill for that scenario so again, this is as good as it gets from the parent perspective. If the OP does not think this is good enough, nothing ever will be good enough and mom should just own that and stay home.

Roger on that. This is as good as it gets.

Originally Posted by melilley:
I just wanted to let you know that I do sympathize with you.
It's hard to leave your baby. It's hard to know that they are with someone else and not you. It's hard when they cry, especially when they aren't with you. Sometimes, it can just be plain hard.

With that said, I've been on both sides. When I had my dd (10 years ago), I took her to a fcc part time, but not until she was 1. She didn't cry, and seemed to like it so it it was easy for me.
Then when she was 3, I took her to a center dc. I worked there so it was a little easier for me, but she did cry sometimes and it did break my heart, BUT I trusted the teacher and knew that I had to give it time and had to walk away when she cried, it was hard, but if I stayed it would have been worse. (I worked there, but tried to not let her see me unless it was time to go home).

But, during both times, I was in school for child development and had been and was working with children in a dc environment, and that combined with all my experiences working with families, I knew what to expect and what worked best, especially for the child's well being. Even though I hated to see my dd cry (I'm a huge softie), I knew that me being by her only made it worse.

Sorry, I'm trying to get my point across and it's dragging on....lol

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think that we, as providers, have the experience of working with children and their families, have seen many different scenario's of different family dynamic's (if that makes sense) and know the in's and out's of child development (not all providers, but most). It's easy for us to say do this and do that, because we have been there and done that.

But you as parents, (many) do not have the experience working with kids in a dc/fcc environment. It's really hard for some to see what we see because you haven't been there or done that. I'm not in any way putting anyone down, just saying that it can be really hard for parents to take our advice and be comfortable with it when they have no experience in this field outside of their own children. Just like I probably wouldn't know what to do with your job...

All I can say is take the advice you get on here and do what YOU feel is best.

Gosh....I hope this makes sense. I have a hard time getting my point across, I know what I want to say, just not how to say it! And I think it's awesome that you came on here to get advice, and from your responses, are taking or looking into it! :)

Good luck!

Thank you! It has been insanely hard. I think since she was so colicky when she was little I developed a really strong bond with her.

It seems there are a few providers here that say they'd be OK with my staying. And then a couple who seem to be freaking out. So I guess there's a wide range. I think since my provider is new she might not freak out; doesn't have all the buildup from years of dealing with difficult parents. But I can see how it would come off as a slight and I don't want to diminish her confidence with my LO. And as you pointed out, there is the element of my "rescuer" mentality that might create too much anxiety while I'm there which wouldn't help anything. Eh! I need to let her know by today whether LO is coming tomorrow or not. Argh! There's so much to consider.

I had a FTM who was very paranoid about her daughter, granted she lost her first son at birth, I could understand and did my best to care for her as I would my own. I had an 8 month old and she was 6mos old. Of course she was having a hard time the first week away from mom. But she ate, slept and played and did fine. Mom didn't. She was a wreck and it made it hard for me. I remember getting an email one night during the 2nd week that she noticed her baby's hair was a little matted and she had dried tears on her face like she had been left to cry for a period of time. :confused: She was having a hard time understanding how I could provide care for 2 babies. A) even before watching her we went on a walk and she cried for 85% of our walk. So crying is nothing NEW for this baby. B) she cried when I changed her diaper, she cried when she was in her carseat too long, she cried often. So even if was playing with her, interacting with her, etc. she cried. We walked to and from school, she cried. C) perhaps she was crying on the ride home? How could she determine exactly "when" this crying occurred?
I wrote her back and explained that there ARE two babies in my care and eventually there will be more. There will be times that she cries whether it's when she wakes up from a nap, is unhappy in the stroller, unhappy in the high chair, etc. I do my very best to keep her happy through the day but she WILL cry as that's her only means of communication. I would never neglect her baby and allow her to lay "crying for a period of time" aside from when I have to. I do have to use the bathroom throughout the day, I also have to change diapers and wash my hands. If she cries during that time it's not because I'm neglecting her. I realized then that this wasn't working out and told her it may be best to find a nanny who will be devoted to ONLY her baby. Because even my situation was as close to a nanny as you could get for a home daycare only having one other baby there. She of course back stepped that she didn't think I was neglecting her and reacted too quickly and didn't think about the implications of what she said. She apologized and said she was more than happy with our situation. :rolleyes: Well after the 2wk trial period I thought we were doing great but she put in her 2wks notices and said she's staying home with her. She figured out she was making $2/hr less than she thought by calculating her salary by 52 not her paycheck by 80hrs or something and it wasn't worth it after daycare expenses and how much time she's away from her. For them that was the best solution. She was never going to be happy with the level of care anyone else but what she provided. I ended up getting a baby the same age and she started watching another baby for a friend. It's funny how when the tables were turned she managed to care for 2 babies but my care for 2 babies with 15yrs more experience was somehow inadequate. LOL
Anyway, my point is daycare is not for everyone!

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Thank you! It has been insanely hard. I think since she was so colicky when she was little I developed a really strong bond with her.

It seems there are a few providers here that say they'd be OK with my staying. And then a couple who seem to be freaking out. So I guess there's a wide range. I think since my provider is new she might not freak out; doesn't have all the buildup from years of dealing with difficult parents. But I can see how it would come off as a slight and I don't want to diminish her confidence with my LO. And as you pointed out, there is the element of my "rescuer" mentality that might create too much anxiety while I'm there which wouldn't help anything. Eh! I need to let her know by today whether LO is coming tomorrow or not. Argh! There's so much to consider.

But the point is how will the provider ever learn to care for your baby if you're there? If you don't trust her than don't choose her. I've never had anyone stay for 4hrs when leaving their baby here. That's usually done during the interview process and maybe a couple hours here and there before starting FT, but never had anyone stay 4hrs. The reason the provider is ok with it is probably because she only has her child to care for. If she had other children it may not be ok as I don't know how many parents want random strangers around their kids all day plus for liability reasons many people wouldn't allow it.

Originally Posted by nannyde:
It's not offensive. It's just a bunch of work that most likely won't work out to make the provider money over time.

Your request isn't unusual. Your perception of your baby is VERY VERY common. Your solutions are common.

This aint our first time to this rodeo. I wish newbie parents could understand that what they come up with and attribute to their child we have seen a ZILLION times. It's not unique. It's not special. It's not child specific.

We have had the same words you use come to our ears. We have had the same facial expressions you use to convey your worry. We have had many many requests to do the parent in order to have the money to do the kid.

Your face looks the same.
Your voice inflection is the same.
Your analysis is the same.
Your child is the same.

It's not new. Nothing you have said hasn't come knocking at our door.

It's WORK. The question you should be asking is if this amount of WORK for the provider is worth the money you are paying her. You should ask what kind of compensation should you be offering to her that is above the child care rate to compensate her for doing you and your kid at this level.

It's not about you or what you think your kid needs. It's about WORK and time. Work and time that will most likely end the way it ended with your previous providers.

No offense to you OP though. Please don't take me wrong. I'm all for picking the kind of parenting you want for your kid. She's your kid so do as you wish. I've been at this long enough to know there are a zillion right ways to raise a kid. My only interest is how does that work in group care and what cost to the provider to fetter through no cry parenting to find the ones who will stay. Your chances of staying are so slim. Your perception is dangerous to a providers long term success. It just is what it is. You could really damage someone's future with your perceptions if you decided to spread the word.

You sound burnt out :( I wouldn't work in childcare because it seems really difficult. I quit working in sales because I couldn't stand the people! I understand how exhausting it is and I'm only sorry that people have to worry so much about money that they subject themselves to unwanted situations. I don't mean to gloat but I am so very fortunate in that I do what I love and I don't give a thought to the money. I don't have to work. I only wish I could find a daycare provider who was of that state of mind. My current provider also seems to be in dire need of money which is unfortunate. Yes I know what you're thinking, if they didn't have to worry about money they wouldn't put up with parents like me! I know, I know. I'm sorry your experience has been so unpleasant. But there have been some very nice responses on here from seasoned providers so I have to believe there are still those who love their job and don't necessarily do it just for the money.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

Ok I am very confused. You need care 2 times a week for 4 hours each so 8 hours total. Even if she isn't drinking a bottle for provider.. she can go 4 hours. I have had many kidos that started out not drinking as much for me and waiting for mom.
If your comfortable with the provider you have chosen and she is not complaining about your child crying I would let the two of them figure out what works for them.
If I am reading this right 2 days a week, so she has been there 2 1/2 weeks. With the 2 days it will take her a while to figure out the pattern! Children need lots of repetition to figure out what is going on.
Instead of staying, I might drop her off for an hour and a half and then pick up. Work up to the 4 hours.
As a provider I could not accommodate you staying for 4 hours!

Originally Posted by TwinKristi:
But the point is how will the provider ever learn to care for your baby if you're there? If you don't trust her than don't choose her. I've never had anyone stay for 4hrs when leaving their baby here. That's usually done during the interview process and maybe a couple hours here and there before starting FT, but never had anyone stay 4hrs. The reason the provider is ok with it is probably because she only has her child to care for. If she had other children it may not be ok as I don't know how many parents want random strangers around their kids all day plus for liability reasons many people wouldn't allow it.

I never considered it not trusting someone; just considered it training someone on how to help my lo. I've never started a job without training even if it was just to train me on that company's policy. I don't mean to say that a seasoned provider would need training per se. I probably insulted someone again. lol. But there are subtleties for my lo that I thought would be easier if I were there. I really actually thought it would make it easier for the provider. But I can see how that was a misconception. Although my current provider was very receptive to my being there a couple hours and I know she was not slighted in the least. There aren't any other kids there, though, and I can see how it would be difficult with other kids there.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Thank you! It has been insanely hard. I think since she was so colicky when she was little I developed a really strong bond with her.

It seems there are a few providers here that say they'd be OK with my staying. And then a couple who seem to be freaking out. So I guess there's a wide range. I think since my provider is new she might not freak out; doesn't have all the buildup from years of dealing with difficult parents. But I can see how it would come off as a slight and I don't want to diminish her confidence with my LO. And as you pointed out, there is the element of my "rescuer" mentality that might create too much anxiety while I'm there which wouldn't help anything. Eh! I need to let her know by today whether LO is coming tomorrow or not. Argh! There's so much to consider.

Maybe you could just talk to your provider and see what she thinks, then make your decision. Like you said, some providers wouldn't mind and some would. Everyone has their own opinion so do what you think is right.
But remember, if your baby knows you are there, it's totally a total different situation than if you wouldn't be there, there's no way around that.

I honestly will admit that I spoil (to a certain extent) my ds, (he is 1) despite everything I know from studying (I have a degree in child dev.) and all the experience I have, and from reading on here and other internet stuff, BUT he is here with me and I'm the one that has to deal with what happens because I do spoil him. And by spoil, I don't mean that I let him get away with everything, because I don't do that, but I spoil him in an affectionate way (if that makes sense). If I want to rock him to sleep for some one on one, I will, things like that. But then again, he is here with me, other people do not have to rock him because I do-just an example.

Originally Posted by MrsSteinel'sHouse:
Ok I am very confused. You need care 2 times a week for 4 hours each so 8 hours total. Even if she isn't drinking a bottle for provider.. she can go 4 hours. I have had many kidos that started out not drinking as much for me and waiting for mom.
If your comfortable with the provider you have chosen and she is not complaining about your child crying I would let the two of them figure out what works for them.
If I am reading this right 2 days a week, so she has been there 2 1/2 weeks. With the 2 days it will take her a while to figure out the pattern! Children need lots of repetition to figure out what is going on.
Instead of staying, I might drop her off for an hour and a half and then pick up. Work up to the 4 hours.
As a provider I could not accommodate you staying for 4 hours!

She is very part time right now but I'm going to gradually increase her time there until she goes every day, full time. I have until mid January to get her to full time.

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
Feel free to link that article. I would love to see if it references reliable sources, was written by someone with many years of childcare and child development, etc, etc.

Yes Please link that article you read. I have never heard of anyone saying that it would be easier to transition a child that way.
I would love to read this article! New info is always good!

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
One article suggested that I stay with her and get her used to the new environment and then gradually cut back on the amount of time that I'm there.

Sorry I quoted the wrong person - but you mentioned in your original post that you read an article ^^^ Can you post the link?

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
You sound burnt out :( I wouldn't work in childcare because it seems really difficult. I quit working in sales because I couldn't stand the people! I understand how exhausting it is and I'm only sorry that people have to worry so much about money that they subject themselves to unwanted situations. I don't mean to gloat but I am so very fortunate in that I do what I love and I don't give a thought to the money. I don't have to work. I only wish I could find a daycare provider who was of that state of mind. My current provider also seems to be in dire need of money which is unfortunate. Yes I know what you're thinking, if they didn't have to worry about money they wouldn't put up with parents like me! I know, I know. I'm sorry your experience has been so unpleasant. But there have been some very nice responses on here from seasoned providers so I have to believe there are still those who love their job and don't necessarily do it just for the money.

Whenever women talk about money, especially when it comes to the care of children, there is always the perception that there is some kind of emotional problem. That makes me LAUGH my arse off.

Just because we are talking about the WORK and BUSINESS of taking care of kids it does NOT mean we can't talk about MONEY every step of the way. It's OKAY to talk about MONEY. It's okay to associate the WORK and TIME of this business directly about MONEY. It's done in every single other child related business.

Every single piece of equipment, piece of clothing, bib, pacifier, bottle, sheet, crib, car seat.... every single good that is related to children there are legions of people who talk about MONEY as the product is developed, manufactured, shipped, and sold.

There's nobody at Graco telling them that they shouldn't discuss MONEY because the products they sell are for the BAYYYYBEEES. If Eddie Bauer didn't have MONEY discussions they wouldn't be able to sell car seats.

Why can't we? Why are we the ONE group who can't put MONEY into the conversation as THE topic that must be dealt with FIRST before anything else works? Every other business does that serves kids.

Oh I know... it's because we are a bunch of WOMEN and we should love first then take whatever scraps of money that is sent our way to feed, clothe, and house OUR kids.

I'm not burnt out. I make a GREAT living. I don't allow emotional words like "burnt out" and "it's not about the money" phase me. Just like I said before... we have heard it ALL before. You have the SAME words. You have the SAME inflection. You have the SAME message. You haven't come up with a single phrase or idea that hasn't been jammed down our throats our entire career. We've heard it all and it is just that... WORDS.

When you want to actually TALK money then we can explain money. If you want us to do it for love... well you have to find somebody who is selling something else. I have the pleasure to make money and love. I know better than to get into something where I don't make money to cause me not to love my work. I get paid a fair wage in all my endeavors. My clients are business folks too... they get money. They may not understand day care money when they come to me but they do by the third interview. They want me to be prosperous. They want me to be happy. I'm happy being prosperous even though I'm a mere girl.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I never considered it not trusting someone; just considered it training someone on how to help my lo. I've never started a job without training even if it was just to train me on that company's policy. I don't mean to say that a seasoned provider would need training per se. I probably insulted someone again. lol. But there are subtleties for my lo that I thought would be easier if I were there. I really actually thought it would make it easier for the provider. But I can see how that was a misconception. Although my current provider was very receptive to my being there a couple hours and I know she was not slighted in the least. There aren't any other kids there, though, and I can see how it would be difficult with other kids there.

Hey if your provider is up to it... go for it. Bring her a big box of special treats and a gourmet coffee when it's time. Show her you dig what she has done because you know most wouldn't.

Is this your first kid?

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

I think what you really want to hear is "yes, you should stay home with your child".

It sounds like that is what you really want. Maybe it'd be a financial struggle, maybe your SO doesn't support it, maybe you feel like people will judge you for not going back to your PhD. program.

I think that you just really need to decide if that's what's really going on?

Everyone has pretty much said give it more time. I'd agree. Sit down with your provider and let her know you are freaking out, and you need her to help you through this.

The crying itself WILL NOT hurt your child. She knows she is loved, because you show her that every day. But, a child who cries a lot and a mother who worries constantly are a major stressor for a provider. You don't want a stressed-out provider. So, talk to her. Make her promise that if she ever feels overwhelmed, she will call you. THEN you can come and rescue her (and baby). Otherwise, she's handling it, and your LO will be OK!

That, or scratch the whole thing and quit your job or school for a while. :cool:

By the way, every one of my dcm's has left here crying their first day back at work, and have been in tears the first few weeks at their jobs. You're not weird in this! I was there once myself....23 1/2 years ago!

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
You sound burnt out :( I wouldn't work in childcare because it seems really difficult.

That was kind of rude.
It isnt the children that makes this job hard or difficult. It's parents like you that make it so hard. Unrealistic expectations and wanting individualized attention.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
there have been some very nice responses on here from seasoned providers so I have to believe there are still those who love their job and don't necessarily do it just for the money.

Everyone does this for money.. I dont know a single working person that doesnt. If they say they do something just for the love of it with no money involved, they would do it for free.

Loving the job helps but dont assume that is the only reason providers open their homes and hearts to others. It's the money plain and simple.

When there is no money involved it's called a hobby.

Originally Posted by nannyde:
Whenever women talk about money, especially when it comes to the care of children, there is always the perception that there is some kind of emotional problem. That makes me LAUGH my arse off.

Just because we are talking about the WORK and BUSINESS of taking care of kids it does NOT mean we can't talk about MONEY every step of the way. It's OKAY to talk about MONEY. It's okay to associate the WORK and TIME of this business directly about MONEY. It's done in every single other child related business.

Every single piece of equipment, piece of clothing, bib, pacifier, bottle, sheet, crib, car seat.... every single good that is related to children there are legions of people who talk about MONEY as the product is developed, manufactured, shipped, and sold.

There's nobody at Graco telling them that they shouldn't discuss MONEY because the products they sell are for the BAYYYYBEEES. If Eddie Bauer didn't have MONEY discussions they wouldn't be able to sell car seats.

Why can't we? Why are we the ONE group who can't put MONEY into the conversation as THE topic that must be dealt with FIRST before anything else works? Every other business does that serves kids.

Oh I know... it's because we are a bunch of WOMEN and we should love first then take whatever scraps of money that is sent our way to feed, clothe, and house OUR kids.

I'm not burnt out. I make a GREAT living. I don't allow emotional words like "burnt out" and "it's not about the money" phase me. Just like I said before... we have heard it ALL before. You have the SAME words. You have the SAME inflection. You have the SAME message. You haven't come up with a single phrase or idea that hasn't been jammed down our throats our entire career. We've heard it all and it is just that... WORDS.

When you want to actually TALK money then we can explain money. If you want us to do it for love... well you have to find somebody who is selling something else. I have the pleasure to make money and love. I know better than to get into something where I don't make money to cause me not to love my work. I get paid a fair wage in all my endeavors. My clients are business folks too... they get money. They may not understand day care money when they come to me but they do by the third interview. They want me to be prosperous. They want me to be happy. I'm happy being prosperous even though I'm a mere girl.

But you DO sound burnt out :/ Maybe that's not the correct phrase. You sound like you are "over it." Maybe that's just how you come across in writing but you can't blame someone for coming to that conclusion when they are just reading posts on a forum.