I'm A New DCM - Question For Providers
 

I started my 4 month old LG at a new home daycare last week. The home daycare provider is new and has no other kids except her own 2 year old daughter. My LG went a couple of days for four hours each day and it went well. No crying. Today, however, she cried hysterically. Of course it broke my heart. I'm trying to make this transition as easy as possible and read some articles on how to help infants deal with the separation. One article suggested that I stay with her and get her used to the new environment and then gradually cut back on the amount of time that I'm there. I would love to do this. I would like to suggest to the provider that my LG start going full time but that I would stay with her for four hours each day until I have to start work. I will, of course, still pay full price. I wouldn't be able to gradually wean off time as there's only a few weeks until I have to start back to work.

As providers, how would you feel if a parent suggested this to you?

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I started my 4 month old LG at a new home daycare last week. The home daycare provider is new and has no other kids except her own 2 year old daughter. My LG went a couple of days for four hours each day and it went well. No crying. Today, however, she cried hysterically. Of course it broke my heart. I'm trying to make this transition as easy as possible and read some articles on how to help infants deal with the separation. One article suggested that I stay with her and get her used to the new environment and then gradually cut back on the amount of time that I'm there. I would love to do this. I would like to suggest to the provider that my LG start going full time but that I would stay with her for four hours each day until I have to start work. I will, of course, still pay full price. I wouldn't be able to gradually wean off time as there's only a few weeks until I have to start back to work.

As providers, how would you feel if a parent suggested this to you?

I absolutely do NOT do this. For several reasons. First off your child is only 4 months old. A little too young for separation anxiety issues. You staying there more than a quick few minute goodbye is probably already making things worse.

If anything I'd recommend making the drop off quicker. It's not abnormal for kids to cry for a few minutes at drop off. That doesn't mean they cry for hours.

In my experience, with both my own very clingy daughter and clingy daycare children :), a quick hug and good bye is best at drop off. Any prolonging does not improve the situation. It is not that your daughter is not used to the provider, it is that she does not want you to leave, period. If you stay for 4 hours and then leave, your daughter is still going to cry because she will still not want you to leave and I think she will be even more confused by the hours long delay. It is important to get into a quick good bye routine from the beginning. I have never had a child who did not calm down soon after mom or dad left. I never had a 4 mos old with separation anxiety, but I have had several toddlers who did. They put on the show for mom or dad to see if they could get them to stay and turned it off soon after the parents left

Also, I would never had entertained having a dcm at my house for 4 hours each day. I have never heard of anyone doing that. I would have felt like I had to entertain the mom and the kids would not have gotten my attention.

I also agree that 4 mos old is a little young for separation anxiety...Personally, I prefer getting children as infants for that reason....then they grow up learning the routine/expectations... I think it is normal for your child to notice you are gone and possibly be unhappy/insecure about you being gone, but I also think with a hug/kiss goodbye she will learn the arriving routines, too.

On the other hand, in the past, I have allowed parents to visit with the child for a few hrs at a time during dc time, but have found this to be more harmful than helpful. Like a previous poster mentioned, the lg still has to adjust and the longer stay would prolong the issue.

I would encourage you to have a consistent arrival routine and she will then know when you hug/kiss her you are going to leave....she will then adjust to the dc program.

Also, I have had parents to overly comfort their children after pickup in the evening by constantly holding their child all night because dcp feel guilty when their child cries. Remember, you want dc to be a pleasant/loving atmosphere so do things as you normally would at home....

Children are smart and actions speak loudly. I wish the best for you and your child. :)

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I started my 4 month old LG at a new home daycare last week. The home daycare provider is new and has no other kids except her own 2 year old daughter. My LG went a couple of days for four hours each day and it went well. No crying. Today, however, she cried hysterically. Of course it broke my heart. I'm trying to make this transition as easy as possible and read some articles on how to help infants deal with the separation. One article suggested that I stay with her and get her used to the new environment and then gradually cut back on the amount of time that I'm there. I would love to do this. I would like to suggest to the provider that my LG start going full time but that I would stay with her for four hours each day until I have to start work. I will, of course, still pay full price. I wouldn't be able to gradually wean off time as there's only a few weeks until I have to start back to work.

As providers, how would you feel if a parent suggested this to you?

This is something I suggest to all my families as the optimal way to transition their child into child care. Not all families are able to do this but when they can, it is the best way to go. I would suggest staying the full time one day, then slowly decreasing the time each day until you just have a normal drop-off a couple of days before you have to return to work. Talk with your provider about it, explain why you think it would be beneficial. She may be thinking the same thing but not know how to approach it with you.

Originally Posted by Cradle2crayons:
I absolutely do NOT do this. For several reasons. First off your child is only 4 months old. A little too young for separation anxiety issues. You staying there more than a quick few minute goodbye is probably already making things worse.

If anything I'd recommend making the drop off quicker. It's not abnormal for kids to cry for a few minutes at drop off. That doesn't mean they cry for hours.

I should have been more clear. She doesn't cry when I leave. She's fine for the first couple of hours. I do just give her a quick kiss and I'm gone. It's the second couple of hours that she cries hysterically. And on the car ride home she started crying, screaming, so I pulled over and held her for a little while until she calmed down then put her back in her car seat and she was fine. She never does this at home. She almost never cries. If she wants something she kind of babbles in a very loud, whinny voice.

I agree with the posters saying a quick good bye is the best way to go. Having a parent stay the whole day would be disruptive to the other children. Plus with my group, the kids tend to act out when another parent is there.

Since your provider only has your lg, then I would ask her and explain why you think it's important. I would go into it expecting her to say no or to come back with an offer for an hour or so per day.

Good luck!

I dont think staying for hours is going to help in this case. Your daughter is very young and according to you, not having issues with the initial separation, secondly you dont have the time to really do this scenario anyway, thirdly, your provider may really be opposed to this and as she has already started care and this was not discussed at interview, I can see how it could be a real conflict now.....you may come across as a demanding mom who does not trust a provider when the provider has already started caring for the child without your presence.

I am thinking the issue may be more of the following:

Is your child still breastfeeding? Have they just now transitioned to bottles? Is your child taking bottles well and in a timely fashion from the provider?

Is your child on a nap schedule and are they napping well at daycare?

Is your child being overstimulated? A new place with a busy group of kids, music or TV on a lot, new smells (especially if the provider has pets or uses a lot of harsh cleaners or fragrances) can all be a big change for babies.

None of these things are going to change due to you staying for hours for a couple weeks. The best way is to just discuss what you are seeing with your provider and work together on plan that is realistic for both of you. She cant change everything to accommodate just your child, you would need a nanny for that. But you also have to make sure that you are communicating well on your daughters eating and sleeping patterns. If the daycare has a routine that the baby is put on, perhaps it is you that will compromise and revamp things at home to match the daycare and keep continuity for your child.

This is just a start but again, I personally would not want a parent here hanging around for hours, especially with a infant. The strategy may be more effective with toddlers or preschoolers but again, not all kids are helped by having moms around. For many kids, quick goodbyes are best as is giving time for the provider and child to work out their relationship.

No matter what you do, if you are using daycare, your baby WILL miss you. It is perfectly normal AND healthy for her to cling to you at home and become more needy with the extended absence. That is what babies do and again, it is healthy. I would be very worried if she did not care when you left and was not upset by prolonged absences, you know? So it is possible this whole deal is just the adjustment period and I personally think that is what it is, provided she is eating and sleeping well there.

I believe this to be a troll, 4 month olds do not have anxiety about separation from their parent, and you wanting to stay 4 hours is ridiculous.

Now, just in case... You need to, as a parent, read some child development material. Your 4 month old is NOT concerned about you leaving her and she would NOT express this by crying in the car on the way home. A four month old has these concerns: food, sleep, gas, warm, wet/poopy. If she is crying, she is hungry or the food isn't working for her (gas.) She is tired. Or she is hot/cold. Or she needs a new diaper.
I am probably one of the most accommodating providers here. There is so much I really don't care about as far as parent stuff. After 30 plus years, I still do part time, do not charge when you are not here, and do not have paid vacations. I am also open to 24 hour care. And even with all that, I would NEVER allow you to hang out for four hours a day for even one day, much less several.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I should have been more clear. She doesn't cry when I leave. She's fine for the first couple of hours. I do just give her a quick kiss and I'm gone. It's the second couple of hours that she cries hysterically. And on the car ride home she started crying, screaming, so I pulled over and held her for a little while until she calmed down then put her back in her car seat and she was fine. She never does this at home. She almost never cries. If she wants something she kind of babbles in a very loud, whinny voice.

She could be crying because her routine was off..i.e. nap, eating habits...this all is part of the adjustment process..... Take a deep breath, be open with your provider....remember the child can sense your stress as well. :)

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I should have been more clear. She doesn't cry when I leave. She's fine for the first couple of hours. I do just give her a quick kiss and I'm gone. It's the second couple of hours that she cries hysterically. And on the car ride home she started crying, screaming, so I pulled over and held her for a little while until she calmed down then put her back in her car seat and she was fine. She never does this at home. She almost never cries. If she wants something she kind of babbles in a very loud, whinny voice.

You can't compare home behavior to daycare behavior.

My big recommendation is to be schedule consistent. Find out what the providers schedule is and try to adjust yours and work together.

also, will add....are you a first time mother? there could be a lot of anxiety just coming from that. it is stressful to figure all this out and your child is right in the first set of milestones so her change in behavior could be change in sleep habits/regression, beginning of teething, change in diet, beginning of milestones such as staying up for longer periods, having a lot of floor play at daycare versus being held....the list goes on and on. Please dont stress yourself out comparing daycare to home behavior. It is two polar opposite places and there is so much going on in her world right now, a change in behavior could be one of a million things. Being a parent is hard work! we understand! i would just recommend not to be too hasty to throw off any changes as the daycares fault....that is slippery slope that will make you unhappy with your daycare situation faster than about anything else. if she was crying on the way home one day and you were able to soothe her quickly then it really isnt that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. babies cry, especially during big changes so I wouldnt necessarily read too much into that or feel like every thing she does "means" something. you are going to exhaust yourself trying to figure it all out. if over the whole picture of the week, things worked well and you have a comfort level with the provider then that sounds pretty good to me.

I'm getting a lot of responses that this couldn't be separation anxiety since she's too young. Please allow me to explain in a little more detail what led me to think that it is separation anxiety and then I would like to hear what you all think. I think the brevity of my first post might have led to some confusion due to over-simplification. It might be a little long so I appreciate whomever gets through it! I'd love to know what is really going on because if she doesn't get better I'm not going to do my Ph.D.

This is the second daycare that I am trying out. The first daycare started out similar to this one; she did fine the first couple of days. She only goes twice a week for four hours each time. I have no particular nap schedule for her at home. She falls asleep in her swing when she's tired.

I stayed with her for the first day, which was for four hours.

Day two: Provider said she did great. She was eating when I arrived so I sat and waited for her to finish eating. Shortly after she started crying hysterically. I picked her up and she stopped crying. The Provider said it's because she could hear my voice and wanted me.

Day three: Provider said she cried a lot but thought she was just tired.

Day four: I called mid morning to hear her screaming hysterically in the background. Provider said she didn't know why she was crying. When I picked her up, hours later, provider was feeding her and she was crying (not hysterically, though). I picked her up and she stopped crying. In the car she was a little bizarre. She would scream and cry, then laugh, then babble, then scream and cry. It was really pretty scary actually. Seemed like some kind of anxiety attack. The rest of the day her movements were very erratic and hyper. She wouldn't really make eye contact with me.

She started crying more at home.

Day five: There was an assistant there while the Provider was at an appt. After handing her to the assistant she started screaming, wailing. The assistant put her in a seat and she scream even louder. I picked her up, she stopped crying and we went home.

I didn't go back to that daycare. Unfortunately the Provider and the assistant speak very little english so I had no way of really communicating with them.

On to daycare number 2.

The first day I stayed for two hours. When the Provider took her she got teary eyed but I smiled at her and told her she was fine. She teared up a couple of other times when Provider had her but she would look at me and I'd smile at her and she would be better. After I left she was fine the rest of the day.

Day two: Provider sends me pictures about every hour and she did great. All smiles.

She stopped crying at home and started her babbling/whinny voice again (So CUTE!!)

Day three: Around mid-afternoon, two hours into her time there, I hadn't gotten any pictures from Provider in awhile so I knew she must be freaking out. I drove there early to pick her up. When I held her she stopped crying. Provider took her again and she started crying again. I took her back, she stopped crying. Provider said she tried to give her a bottle but she didn't want it.

Provider told me that my lo is starting to realize that I'm not coming back to pick her up.

THE END! So you see, it's not just my observations, I was told by both Providers that she missed me/needed me. The first provider has been in the field for 15 years. Through my own observations as well it seems as though she misses me, or at least feels very insecure where she is. Her napping and eating times at these daycares was not significantly different then what we do on an average day at home.

If after reading this you feel it is something else I would love to hear it! I was also in tears all day today!

I mean this in the niecest way possible but how do you expect your child to get used to anyone if you move her every time she cries.

Ime new children often act similar to a stray cat. It may take several days of putting your hand out, sometimes with food before the cat wil allow you to briefly touch them for a second and then run away again. They may hide in a bush and shake out of fear and display signs of stress.



You might leave food to intice them to come back, they may or may not. Over time they learn to trust you and know where to get the food from. They learn your behaviors, understand that thy can trust you and that you are safe. Eventually with time the stray cat will begin to come up to you. With more time and patience they will one day sit in your lap.


While this may sound a little crazy. In my experience children are no different

Basically you need to drop and go and give it time .

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I have no particular nap schedule for her at home. She falls asleep in her swing when she's tired.

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Originally Posted by daycare:
I mean this in the niecest way possible but how do you expect your child to get used to anyone if you move her every time she cries.

I didn't move her because she was crying; i moved her because the Provider didn't speak english well and I couldn't ask what was going on. the assistant spoke no english at all. She couldn't even call me in an emergency. I couldn't communicate with her. I'm just not comfortable with that.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I didn't move her because she was crying; i moved her because the Provider didn't speak english well and I couldn't ask what was going on. the assistant spoke no english at all. She couldn't even call me in an emergency. I couldn't communicate with her. I'm just not comfortable with that.

Just curious why you started with their program in the first place?

I think staying an hour isn't much to ask, although it could be awkward. I've done this. I did this for a day or two once. The girl was 17mo, she cried for the first few days on and off, then she was fine.

It is hard though, because a provider has to try to balance it between caring for your/her child, and you.

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
if she was crying on the way home one day and you were able to soothe her quickly then it really isnt that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. babies cry, especially during big changes so I wouldnt necessarily read too much into that or feel like every thing she does "means" something. you are going to exhaust yourself trying to figure it all out. if over the whole picture of the week, things worked well and you have a comfort level with the provider then that sounds pretty good to me.

It wasn't just a cry, though. She was screaming hysterically. I'm no stranger to a crying baby. She was VERY colicky when she was little. I listened to nothing but crying for months and I know every kind of cry she makes. I know the difference between fussy and in duress, and I know my own limitations when trying to meet her needs. If she had just been fussy, whinny, crying, even heavy crying, I could accept that she's adjusting to feeding/sleeping, or whatever. I do feel like this particular cry is very serious and will be a big deal in the grand scheme of things if I ignore it.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
It wasn't just a cry, though. She was screaming hysterically. I'm no stranger to a crying baby. She was VERY colicky when she was little. I listened to nothing but crying for months and I know every kind of cry she makes. I know the difference between fussy and in duress, and I know my own limitations when trying to meet her needs. If she had just been fussy, whinny, crying, even heavy crying, I could accept that she's adjusting to feeding/sleeping, or whatever. I do feel like this particular cry is very serious and will be a big deal in the grand scheme of things if I ignore it.

Is she only doing this cry at daycare or at home too?

Maybe she is getting an ear infection or other issue ??? Maybe a call to the doc ??

Originally Posted by Lucy:
Just curious why you started with their program in the first place?

I know, right!! Because she was so highly recommended. She often gets siblings for generations and the parents love her. They consider her the grandma. And the kids learn her language. Some kids know three languages (mom/dad speaks two) by the time they are five. Our LG would have known three languages by the time she was five and that would have been awesome. Plus we might have picked it up as well.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I'm getting a lot of responses that this couldn't be separation anxiety since she's too young. Please allow me to explain in a little more detail what led me to think that it is separation anxiety and then I would like to hear what you all think. I think the brevity of my first post might have led to some confusion due to over-simplification. It might be a little long so I appreciate whomever gets through it! I'd love to know what is really going on because if she doesn't get better I'm not going to do my Ph.D.

This is the second daycare that I am trying out. The first daycare started out similar to this one; she did fine the first couple of days. She only goes twice a week for four hours each time. I have no particular nap schedule for her at home. She falls asleep in her swing when she's tired.

I stayed with her for the first day, which was for four hours.

Day two: Provider said she did great. She was eating when I arrived so I sat and waited for her to finish eating. Shortly after she started crying hysterically. I picked her up and she stopped crying. The Provider said it's because she could hear my voice and wanted me.

Day three: Provider said she cried a lot but thought she was just tired.

Day four: I called mid morning to hear her screaming hysterically in the background. Provider said she didn't know why she was crying. When I picked her up, hours later, provider was feeding her and she was crying (not hysterically, though). I picked her up and she stopped crying. In the car she was a little bizarre. She would scream and cry, then laugh, then babble, then scream and cry. It was really pretty scary actually. Seemed like some kind of anxiety attack. The rest of the day her movements were very erratic and hyper. She wouldn't really make eye contact with me.

She started crying more at home.

Day five: There was an assistant there while the Provider was at an appt. After handing her to the assistant she started screaming, wailing. The assistant put her in a seat and she scream even louder. I picked her up, she stopped crying and we went home.

I didn't go back to that daycare. Unfortunately the Provider and the assistant speak very little english so I had no way of really communicating with them.

On to daycare number 2.

The first day I stayed for two hours. When the Provider took her she got teary eyed but I smiled at her and told her she was fine. She teared up a couple of other times when Provider had her but she would look at me and I'd smile at her and she would be better. After I left she was fine the rest of the day.

Day two: Provider sends me pictures about every hour and she did great. All smiles.

She stopped crying at home and started her babbling/whinny voice again (So CUTE!!)

Day three: Around mid-afternoon, two hours into her time there, I hadn't gotten any pictures from Provider in awhile so I knew she must be freaking out. I drove there early to pick her up. When I held her she stopped crying. Provider took her again and she started crying again. I took her back, she stopped crying. Provider said she tried to give her a bottle but she didn't want it.

Provider told me that my lo is starting to realize that I'm not coming back to pick her up.

THE END! So you see, it's not just my observations, I was told by both Providers that she missed me/needed me. The first provider has been in the field for 15 years. Through my own observations as well it seems as though she misses me, or at least feels very insecure where she is. Her napping and eating times at these daycares was not significantly different then what we do on an average day at home.

If after reading this you feel it is something else I would love to hear it! I was also in tears all day today!

I would give it more time, really honestly. I have had several infants who have acted similarly to this, and after some adjustment time they were happy,thriving, children. Some wouldn't take bottles for up to two weeks, and would scream when we tried to feed them. If you feel confident in the care giver's abilities, and level of care she is receiving (which it appears that you do), then I would just allow her to adjust to being there. Adjustment isn't always easy for the parent or child, but it sounds as if an adjustment period to being away from you is going to happen no matter where she is, so your best bet is to choose a daycare that you are comfortable with and just give her the time to adjust. I personally, say 1 month for your average child to adjust, and up to 2 months for some. If you just give it time, she will get used to and get into a groove with her new provider.

Now, I will say because her current provider is a new provider, she might not be used to the adjustment periods. I would just keep an open communication with her about it. Talk to the provider, and keep things consistent from daycare to home. Does the provider have a swing ? Is she allowed to let her sleep in it ? A lot of daycare providers legally can't let a child sleep in a swing, so if that's an issue for her - I would stop it at home. Having no major differences between the way things are done at daycare and at home, is the absolute easiest way to help her adjust. If she is allowed to let her fall asleep in a swing, then it might be worth it to bring your swing back and forth every day. Personally, I would not travel with the swing, and just switch to a new way of putting her to sleep that works for you both.

Even though she is 4 months, and cannot have actual separation anxiety - she is aware that things are different (different smells, different noises, different environment as a whole). It is going to take some adjustment on her part.

Originally Posted by daycare:
Is she only doing this cry at daycare or at home too?

Maybe she is getting an ear infection or other issue ??? Maybe a call to the doc ??

I would think that as well but no, she doesn't do this at home at all. She has cried like this once or twice when she was younger due to her reflux (i think) but that is about it. Of course now that she's older it sounds a little different but it's about the same kind of urgency. Oh wait, she cried like this recently after she got her vaccine shots, too. she had a nasty reaction with fever, inflammation, whole leg turned red :(

I don't think it's a physical need since she stops whenever I pick her up and she doesn't start up again until the next time she's at daycare.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I would think that as well but no, she doesn't do this at home at all. She has cried like this once or twice when she was younger due to her reflux (i think) but that is about it. Of course now that she's older it sounds a little different but it's about the same kind of urgency. Oh wait, she cried like this recently after she got her vaccine shots, too. she had a nasty reaction with fever, inflammation, whole leg turned red :(

I don't think it's a physical need since she stops whenever I pick her up and she doesn't start up again until the next time she's at daycare.

If she is stopping whenever you pick her up, then I would take her crying with a grain of salt. As a mom, I know it is tough to hear, but if the crying stops on a dime after being picked up, then she wasn't too emotionally distressed to being with.

Also, again, I know it's tough to handle - but her crying isn't fatal - and as long as her basic needs are being met - she might just need to work through the crying. Does she stop crying when the daycare provider picks her up ?

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I would think that as well but no, she doesn't do this at home at all. She has cried like this once or twice when she was younger due to her reflux (i think) but that is about it. Of course now that she's older it sounds a little different but it's about the same kind of urgency. Oh wait, she cried like this recently after she got her vaccine shots, too. she had a nasty reaction with fever, inflammation, whole leg turned red :(

I don't think it's a physical need since she stops whenever I pick her up and she doesn't start up again until the next time she's at daycare.

I could just be that she's is afraid of the new provider because she has not gotten to now her and trust her yet.

At this age translations to daycare is always harder for the parents than the child. Trust us that when we say give it time, we promise you it will happen.

However , if you are not comfortable with the provider, which will take time for you too, then pull her.

Like my story about the stray cat. It all takes time.

I had a little one that was fine if I let him be, but if I picked him up he screamed like I was pinching him. He was very part time and it took about 3 months before he finally got to fully trust me and know me. He stayed with me for 3 years.

Take a deep breath at drop off and as hard as it is, just give one hug one kiss I love you and leave. Again this is if you feel your baby is safe with the provider, which sounds like she is.

Originally Posted by blandino:
I would give it more time, really honestly. I have had several infants who have acted similarly to this, and after some adjustment time they were happy,thriving, children. Some wouldn't take bottles for up to two weeks, and would scream when we tried to feed them. If you feel confident in the care giver's abilities, and level of care she is receiving (which it appears that you do), then I would just allow her to adjust to being there. Adjustment isn't always easy for the parent or child, but it sounds as if an adjustment period to being away from you is going to happen no matter where she is, so your best bet is to choose a daycare that you are comfortable with and just give her the time to adjust. I personally, say 1 month for your average child to adjust, and up to 2 months for some. If you just give it time, she will get used to and get into a groove with her new provider.

Now, I will say because her current provider is a new provider, she might not be used to the adjustment periods. I would just keep an open communication with her about it. Talk to the provider, and keep things consistent from daycare to home. Does the provider have a swing ? Is she allowed to let her sleep in it ? A lot of daycare providers legally can't let a child sleep in a swing, so if that's an issue for her - I would stop it at home. Having no major differences between the way things are done at daycare and at home, is the absolute easiest way to help her adjust. If she is allowed to let her fall asleep in a swing, then it might be worth it to bring your swing back and forth every day. Personally, I would not travel with the swing, and just switch to a new way of putting her to sleep that works for you both.

Even though she is 4 months, and cannot have actual separation anxiety - she is aware that things are different (different smells, different noises, different environment as a whole). It is going to take some adjustment on her part.

thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

Originally Posted by blandino:
If she is stopping whenever you pick her up, then I would take her crying with a grain of salt. As a mom, I know it is tough to hear, but if the crying stops on a dime after being picked up, then she wasn't too emotionally distressed to being with.

Also, again, I know it's tough to handle - but her crying isn't fatal - and as long as her basic needs are being met - she might just need to work through the crying. Does she stop crying when the daycare provider picks her up ?

her crying starts again when the provider picks her up. i'm concerned for her emotional needs. i'm worried that she'll have abandonment issues or something. the one day after daycare that she wouldn't make eye contact with me the rest of the day was alarming. she regularly stares at me all the time.

Originally Posted by dingledine:
I think staying an hour isn't much to ask, although it could be awkward. I've done this. I did this for a day or two once. The girl was 17mo, she cried for the first few days on and off, then she was fine.

It is hard though, because a provider has to try to balance it between caring for your/her child, and you.

i understand that it is awkward and complicated having me there. i would feel bad but this provider has no other kids. and i feel that my lg must feel this same awkwardness with a new person trying to care for her. i think it would help her immensely to have an adult to communicate for her.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

I would truly give it more time, from the bottom of my heart. I really think that time will settle everything.

In my personal opinion, at 4 months, if all of her needs are met and there is nothing that the provider can do to make her stop - then it won't be detrimental for her to cry. In my honest opinion, if all her basic needs are met, then there is little risk of emotional issues. I think the emotional/abandonment issues would exist if all of her needs weren't being met, and a child is left to cry.

I have had a few children that age refuse bottles for the first week. It was solely because it was a new environment, with a new person, and it just wasn't the way the child had had taken bottles for the past 4 months (his entire life). If you think about it, the last 4 months is the only thing she knows and now things have all changed. Luckily, both parents had a "when they are hungry, they will drink" attitude, and surely enough - when they got hungry enough they drank. I wouldn't worry to much about her starting to refuse bottles, if she didn't do it on day 1.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

Honestly, in my experience - the older an infant is the harder a time they have adjusting to a new place. A 6/7 month old is SO much more aware of their surroundings, and much more aware that you aren't there. So I would think that it would only get worse if she were older.

I would give a yourself an ultimatum, and tell yourself that you will continue on your current path for a month, and wait out that month, and then reevaluate. I really think things will be easier/better sooner than a month.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
i understand that it is awkward and complicated having me there. i would feel bad but this provider has no other kids. and i feel that my lg must feel this same awkwardness with a new person trying to care for her. i think it would help her immensely to have an adult to communicate for her.

Yes, but you also need to let the provider and your child figure out their relationship. Left alone with your baby, the provider will learn what she want's and is expecting. You have to let them figure things out between the two of them. That is how they will bond and build trust.

They have to get into a groove, and let them communicate and get into a routine together. The provider will figure out your baby's cues without help, I promise, Plus, with your little girl behaving so differently at home and at daycare, it probably won't take the same actions it takes at home to soothe her. Plus, the daycare provider needs to do things the way it works for her - not the way you would do it.

Give it time. Give it time. Give it time. :hug:

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
...you may come across as a demanding mom who does not trust a provider when the provider has already started caring for the child without your presence.

I feel like this is definitely an underlying issue at the heart of complicating my request. I've lurked around the forums for awhile and have noticed that this is a big issue between providers and parents. Providers are often insulted at the lack of trust parents give and aggravated at the over-bearing that follows due to this lack of trust. I suppose in a way I can understand but mostly I don't understand, particularly when the child is new. I know my asking to stay after the provider has had her a couple of times could be interpreted like a demotion in a way, but that is not what it is at all! It has nothing to do with whether I trust her or not. I want to make this transition as easy for my lg as possible and abruptly leaving her alone with a total stranger for long periods of time seems like it would be much more difficult for her then if I were there for awhile to acclimate her to the new environment. I also think it would help my lg to see me interact with the provider. This seems to me a difference of philosophy, not one of trust. But I think inevitably it would feel like a slight.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I feel like this is definitely an underlying issue at the heart of complicating my request. I've lurked around the forums for awhile and have noticed that this is a big issue between providers and parents. Providers are often insulted at the lack of trust parents give and aggravated at the over-bearing that follows due to this lack of trust. I suppose in a way I can understand but mostly I don't understand, particularly when the child is new. I know my asking to stay after the provider has had her a couple of times could be interpreted like a demotion in a way, but that is not what it is at all! It has nothing to do with whether I trust her or not. I want to make this transition as easy for my lg as possible and abruptly leaving her alone with a total stranger for long periods of time seems like it would be much more difficult for her then if I were there for awhile to acclimate her to the new environment. I also think it would help my lg to see me interact with the provider. This seems to me a difference of philosophy, not one of trust. But I think inevitably it would feel like a slight.

Honestly, I can tell you from my experience, It has never once made it easier when a parent tries and stays to help acclimate their child. For me it isn't even an issue of trust. Also, I don't think your DD is old enough to care/notice whether you are interacting with the provider. Her crying is because she is reacting to a new environment that is completely different than your home, and will continue to be different even if you were to stay for an hour and then leave. As soon as you leave, she is going to be in that new environment.

I can see where a parent would think that them staying would help acclimate a child. In my experience the only thing it does is set up a false expectation that mom is going to stay at that new place with me. So the child gets used to the idea that the parent is going to stay in this new environment with them, and then once the parent leaves you are back at square one. Staying to help acclimate her, just creates a crutch, which then eventually has to be removed, and will result in the same crying as before.

Honestly, I just re-read and you are only on day 3 at your current daycare ? As much as you are worried, you really just need to give it time. If I took a catalog of all my kids, most would have still been crying on their third day as we are still trying to understand what they want/are expecting. Think about the relationship you had when your first brought your baby home from the hospital. You spent time listening to her cries and trying to decipher what she wanted and needed. You have to let the daycare provider and the baby develop the same relationship. It really isn't abnormal. I sound like a broken record, but you have to give it time and patience and let the caregiver and the baby develop a relationship.

Like you described on day 3, how you came to get the baby because you knew she was crying. You need to let the provider meet the child's needs so that your child learns to trust her and bond with her. If you intervene, this won't happen.

I agree... They need more time. And you need to stop meddling. I get that it's your baby but she'll never acclimate if you always come to the rescue. The provider will be anxious, you'll be anxious, baby will be anxious. Maybe try being happy and positive and talking about his fun daycare is and how happy you are and she'll see you're happy and she should be too! And once she gets the routine and the idea that you leave and come back than she'll be much happier. I had an 18 month old who cried for like 3wks and mom and Nana were so afraid to leave but an 8 month old who never cried and mom was very happy and not nervous. Babies feel your anxiety and unhappiness from you too.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

In my experience, it is harder for a toddler to adjust than an infant.....My mentor tells me that if a child hasn't adjusted in 12 weeks, they will not adjust....use that as a guideline.....give it some time and trust your provider. :)

Wow. I have heard of parents asking to do this when transitioning a toddler after a move, but a new baby?

I have two things that I'd recommend you to research and consider....

You need to give it time. It takes time for a child of any age to feel comfortable in a new environment. And if you are apprehensive, as it certainly sounds like from your posts, they will pick up on that as well. I tell new parents that the first day is the easiest for the child and the hardest for the parent. The second and third days are often the hardest for the child. After that it will slowly get better. On average I tell parents it take 2 weeks for a child to settle into a new routine and feel comfortable. BUT that 2 weeks is if they are full time. Part time can take much longer.

I wouldn't be able to provide services for your infant. I would be scared off because of your perception of her crying and your attribution as to why. The words you attach to it are subjective but, as you have learned in the few months you have been a parent, your perception becomes fact whether it is really true or not. Your perception leads you to believe she is one extreme to another... hysterical when with or been with others and perfectly calm and content with mama.

The stories you already have in your brief experience with child care are enough to ruin a provider if retold in an online review or recounted to the DHS via you or any person who hears your story and decides the provider needs DHS involvement.

I wouldn't touch this gig. I wouldn't allow a four hour interview for as many days as you deem necessary. Your hanging out to transition the baby is really you interviewing the provider. You call it transition but the provider will think it is you interviewing and you (the newbie parent) assessing the providers ability to do no cry care.

I keep thinking how in the heck did my granny who had eleven kids over twenty years produce such great and healthy kids. She not only had kid after kid but she worked a farm and supported them with her hands and back. She didn't spend a minute worrying about brain damage because of crying. Her worries were enough food to go around, laundry, money for a car, and clothing her brood. She had it way easier than you though. You spend your worry on one kids crying. She had tangible worry of basic survival.

I agree with the others- it takes time. Staying for 4 hours would not help, in my opinion, as at 4 months she doesn't have a sense of time. You leaving right away versus after 4 hours would not make a difference to her. Give the provider time- I have a new DCG that is 13 months and never been in daycare before. She cried straight for almost a month. Wouldn't let my girls (who are very sweet natured and quiet) come near her or touch her (my DD who is 15 months would try to hug her when she cried). Fast forward 1 1/2 months, now she does great! Give it time :). It's hard, but she will get used to it and form a bond with her provider if you let her!