Wow. You should write it all down in a heartfelt letter to your dh (so he can read it when he is alone, and re-read it again!) and include everything you've told us and more, in a loving but sincere way. Don't come across like his mother because he'll rebel. Toward the end, tell him that if necessary, the two of you may need to see a marriage counselor just so you have a neutral party to help sort this out because it is THAT SERIOUS.
You can't (and shouldn't) expect the kids to pick up the slack, but you sure the hell can expect your PARTNER in life to do it. If he is able but not willing, then maybe it's time for professional intervention just to get him to take this seriously.
