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Unregistered 04:26 PM 10-03-2009
My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I had a death of a baby girl in my daycare last year. She was 4 months and 1 day old when it happened. I'm sure every one reacts differently and no one will know for sure how they will react until it happens to them. But I'd like to tell you about my story.

I went to wake her from her nap as I always did and found her unresponsive, it literally took my breath away for a moment. It was my worst nightmare come true. I quickly carried her into the next room and called 911 (in hind site I should have started CPR for 1 min first then called). The ambulance was there within one and a half minutes. I was in the middle of CPR when they arrived and took her to the hospital.

The investigators were there within minutes. Everyone helped make sure the rest of the daycare kids were taken care of. I was such a mess I couldn't think, or speak. I was scared for her, her family, and myself. What will her parents do without her I thought. How will they ever make it through this.

Then the investigators started to ask me questions and reality set in. I didn't do what I was supposed to do as a daycare provider. Instead I cared for her like she was my own. That was my first mistake. I laid her on her side because I thought it would help her congestion. I laid her with her favorite blanket (folded at her feet so it wouldn't go over her head) because her parents did the same thing and I wanted her to be comfortable. In a non-daycare setting, no one would have called me a bad parent. But because it was a daycare setting the state was all over me. I feel guilty everyday of my life, not for treating her like I've treated all other babies I've cared for, with love and compassion, but for not doing what the state told me to do.

Before the investigators left they asked if they could take the pack & play and her blanket to the lab to analyze it. I told them to take whatever they needed. They also took photos of the room and used a doll in place of the baby so I could show them how she was lying when I found her. They continued to ask questions. Did anyone else go upstairs? When did I last check on her? Did I hear her cry at all? What was the temperature of the room? Did she have a blanket? Were the shades open or closed? Was anyone else in the room with her? Was the fan on in the room? When did she last eat? When was she last changed? I can't remember anymore but you get the idea. I was questioned 3 different times I think.

People told me I should have lied so they wouldn't take away my license. They were right, if I had lied, I would have my license right now. But it wouldn't have been the right thing to do, morally or legally.

On the county side of things my county licensor was no help at all. If anything she made it worse. She had no idea what she was doing. She read what I told her had happened. After reading it she said it doesn't look like you did anything wrong so you can go ahead and keep doing daycare. My families were all excited their kids could still come to my house and I decided to open my daycare back up a couple weeks later. A week later she comes to my house with a police officer and tells me the state is suspending my license and that I should find another line of work because they'll probably revoke it. I asked her why in the world didn't she tell us that in the first place. Why did she have to go and get our hopes and the hopes of my daycare families up. That was just the first of many screw ups that took place over this 4 month process. I know all of this is nothing compared to what the baby's family went through but it still upset me because the state made me feel like such a bad mom and like I didn't care for my kids. Those kids were my life. I would do anything for them.

The state did revoked my license for not following SIDS state of MN guidelines. I have mixed feelings on this but it doesn't change the fact that she is gone and her parents will never be able to tuck her into bed and kiss her good night again.

I wasn't there the day your baby went to heaven. I don't know what happened. Maybe the daycare mom panicked. Maybe she was like me and didn't do what the state told her to do as a daycare provider. Maybe the state had her so afraid of losing her license she did what she thought she had to do to save her daycare. That doesn't excuse what she did one bit. But I am hopeful that morally, she did everything she could to take care of your baby before she died and that the provider's heart was in the right place.

I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you, but I hope it will.

Only God has all the answers you are looking for. Trust that he will take care of your baby in Heaven as well as you here on Earth. GOD'S GRACE is the best feeling in the world and I pray for it to come to you and heal your pain.

May God bless you and your angel in Heaven.
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