Originally Posted by FrustratedMommy:
My 4 year old daughter is like that. She has been kicked out of daycare twice in the last year. The first daycare kicked her for not napping. She would lay on her mat for 2 hours awake as long as the daycare lady was in the room, but would get up and wake the other kids if she left the room. She switched to a new daycare that would let her stay up and watch TV during nap time. She was perfect until I finally got her baby sister in the new daycare. I was picking them up at two different daycares for months. Then the ratio of older kids to babies changed, she was again one of the oldest, and the daycare lady changed assistants. All of a sudden she became defiant at daycare. She has always been very stubborn, but now she just refuses to listen. At home we punish her if she doesn't listen. I admit we were a bit lax in giving too many chances but as soon as the daycare lady brought it to our attention, now we have a clear set of rules and conscequences and there are no warnings. If she throws a toy it is taken away immediately for the rest of the day. If she doesn't listen, we take away her lamp as she doesn't like being in the dark at night (not afraid, just doesn't like it). This seems to work at home, however, our daycare lady does not punish. If a kid hits another kids she will say firmly, we don't hit, and redirect. She will do this multiple times until after 5 or 6 times hitting, she will finally attempt a time-out. I guess with most of her kids she has never needed more than this and is not prepared to offer more discipline. Unfortunately she kept a lot of my daughter's difficulties minimized until she was completely fed up with her and gave us two weeks notice. Now that we are in our two weeks trying to find another daycare she tells me my daughter is so bad she will just get kicked out of another daycare so there is no point in my trying to find another daycare. She says her assistant hates my daughter. She tells me all this in front of my daughter.
I have explained to my daughter that she can't go and play at that daycare anymore because she misbehaved. I punish her anytime I pick her up after she has had a bad day, and reward and praise her when she has a good day. I always back up the daycare provider. I am not sure what else to do.
We have made an appointment with the pediatrician in the hopes of getting some behavioural therapy. She is a very loving girl that loves attention but is very stubborn and won't nap. Am I doomed to daycare hop until she starts school?
I understand the daycare lady's frustration, but at the same time, I do need daycare. I am trying a private daycare this time since the subsidized daycares are in very high demand here.
I really feel for parents who, like you, try their best and have consequences at home for child's misbehavior, and it doesn't get better at daycare. Sometimes I think the daycare environment just does that to children...I really want the best for the children I care for, and hate for their sakes the amount of misbehavior going on, even from the other children, because that makes for a negative environment for everyone. We had a 4 yr old in our care who was pretty much what daycare providers would call "the perfect child", but then about 6 months before he'd be going to Kindergarten, his behavior dramtatically changed. Like a complete turn around...the same thing happend at home and at his other preschool (he attended another preschool besides our's, more academic based and only 2 hours long).
One of the main reasons we really hate to terminate children in our care is that we love the children and feel so bad that the parents will have such a hard time finding care for them somewhere else. It's not good for the children to be at one daycare, then have to be switched to another one, then another, etc. and in our area there aren't very many daycares close by. So if we terminate one for behavior, they pretty much won't have another place to bring them. For one thing, the other daycares wouldn't keep them any longer than the first two weeks trial period (that's for the worst cases, like one we had in our care for months with constant communication with parents, who were not supportive, then finally started enforcing the "3 strikes" policy, letting parents know each time they earned another strike, before finally accepting that we couldn't change the behavior and there was nothing more we could do and gave our two weeks notice). I really hope things improve for you and your little girl. The 3 yr old I started this thread talking about has improved a LOT, and we hardly have any issues with her refusal to listen anymore. So I pray that's the case for your little one at your next daycare. Would it be possible to hire someone to babysit her so she gets one on one care? The daycare environment may just be too overwhelming for her, and she may just need more one on one attention without so much other stuff going on around her. I'm afraid I would have had issues as a child if I had been in daycare. I really get overwhelmed in crowds and lots of noise
By the way, is your current provider allowed to use time outs? I know the government is trying to take away daycare providers use of time-outs, and it is highly discouraged even now. We use time-outs (which only work for certain children), but we're discouraged from it all the time by childcare experts and told to use redirection instead. So our time outs are only used for hitting (so they can regain control of their emotions) or direct out and out defiance.