Thank you so much for posting this and being honest. I feel exactly the same way, except, to be honest, I've fallen a little more out of control.

I used to be a classroom teacher dealing with 28 kids at a time, but I had breaks, specials like art, music, recess, lunch, prep time. I had co-workers and I had accountability.

Now I'm alone with these kids all day everyday. I find myself struggling with anger, for no reason. On days when I'm not even that busy. I don't like it, I'm worried I might not be safe with them and maybe I shouldn't be doing this job, but I can't tell anyone. I find myself being too rough with them, and yes, I have spanked some on occasion. Not hard, just a swat or two. I find myself grabbing by the arm too rougly and clenching my jaw and being mad in my head.

I can't tell anyone because like you said, shame and losing my whole family, business, life. I don't know what to do either. I keep trying to pray about it, but then not much longer I lose my cool.

I'm so embarrassed to post this, I don't want people to think I'm a monster and I haven't had the guts to post it, thank you OP for posting how you're really handling it.

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