First I am so sorry for your loss and everything you are now having to go through. (((HUGS)))
As far as your questions, I think you are just fishing for a reason to term a mom you really should have termed before any of this happened.
I would term her as soon as you are financially able to and just tell her that you don't feel like your program is the right fit for her and leave it at that. It sounds like that is the case considering everything you listed.
I wouldn't be too upset with her not offering any sympathies to you. The venting thread on this forum board is evident enough that many parents/clients are unable to see anything from someone else's perspective and see things only from the viewpoint of how it affects them.
In regards to the dad and the pick up/drop off during the day, what is the reasons for the DCB's doctor visit? Most times when kids see a doctor, they are sick. I exclude for imms too so any child in my care seeing a doctor would not be allowed in care that day. I also only allow one drop off and one pick up per child per day. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If he is seeing a doctor for something not related to illness, I would simply do what others suggested and state your policies about no pick ups at that time and stand your ground. Anytime someone tries to argue, I simply let them know they need to turn in their notice if they are planning to leave. Then smile big and let them decide what they want to do.
