Originally Posted by HipUsername:
Hi I just registered here. I hope this is the right place to post this, sorry if it isn't... I really am desperate to figure out what to do about a child I've been looking after.
I've only been watching kids in my home for a little over 3 months now, but I've watched many children over the years through babysitting, daycare, nannying, nursery teacher, so I've seen my fair share of personalities, and I love kids. I'm watching a 2 year old who is extremely difficult, and after just 3 months I feel burned-out by him and his mother. I've seen a lot of people mentioning they're licensed, I'm not. Honestly I can't afford it, I'm going through a separation and need money so I just put up an ad on craigslist and got responses. I didn't establish contracts, I didn't set boundaries, and I was flexible with hours. I actually don't even know one of the kid's last name! Wow I am pathetic. 
I have a 2 1/2 yo daughter and I watch a 4 yo boy along with the 2 1/2 yo boy that I'm having trouble with. Three kids would normally be very easy for me, but the 2 yo requires constant supervision. I don't know if this is necessary or if I'm just venting but this bullet list will paint the image of how insane and miserable this has been and why I'm feeling like ramming my head against a wall. I've dealt with most of these issues with kids, they would have one or a few of these but not all of them. So if anything he's quite unique! So much so that I want to ram my head against a wall. Did I already say that? 
-hysterical laughter that makes everyone uncomfortable- Anyway, list:
- He doesn't want to/isn't able to participate in the activities that I prepare. I've tried a lot of different things, but his attention span is incredibly short and he eats/destroys everything, so the schedule revolves around him and the others are suffering.
- He's violent, and not usually when he's angry but when he's playing. He tries to bite and has bitten the 4 yo and bit me this morning. He also throws toys and hits, he puts his feet on the other kids when they're not looking (and his feet are usually dirty because they let him walk outside barefoot into my house so if I don't wipe his feet they're black, that's another bullet). He's doing this as a way of playing, I've warned and used timeout and he still does it every day.
- He has poor hygiene. He's one of the worst smelling kids I've ever encountered, his clothes smell like mildew and his feet are filthy and his fingernails/toenails are always long and dirty. I've suggested that he use bug spray to his mom because he always has mosquito bites and he scratches them with his long dirty fingernails until they bleed. He developed impetigo a couple months ago, around that time I very passively/politely suggested cutting his fingernails to his mom, but she didn't cut them.
- He constantly has his fingers in his nose and mouth, he drools down his arm putting his entire hand into his mouth lol. His nose is almost always runny, I think because he licks and puts everything in his mouth. He's potty training now and so his fingers are now going into his butt. I've told him not to because it's germy and I wipe his hands, but he cries and throws a fit if I wash his hands, plus it is literally constant, his finger is always in an orafice of his body. His mom does nothing about it, she watched him chew on my daughter's sandal until I noticed and told him to stop, she watches him lick my screen door, she doesn't care.
- He is destructive. He has broken so many toys, he's ripped books and torn the other kids art by biting it apart, he threw a hairbrush at my TV in front of his mom and her reaction was to gasp and laugh. He bleeds on blankets and sheets too because he scratches bug bites and cuts the inside of his nose with his fingernails and gets nose bleeds.
- He eats like a 1 year old, he won't stay sitting down to eat and even when he is the food gets everywhere, he spits things out even if he likes it, he'll take his plate when I'm not looking and throw the entire plate in the garbage. He also eats crayons and markers and chalk and anything else that a 2 yo would typically have grown out of sampling by now.
- The mom and the dad show up whenever they feel like to drop him off and pick him up, it's literally a different time every day. she has an alternate schedule for each day at work but it's the same schedule every week, but the dad works at night so sometimes he brings him instead. But I never know what they're going to do they never tell me. And she'll tell me she needs to bring him early and then they show up later with no apologies.
- When the mom drops him off or picks him up, she doesn't leave, she sits down and will take as long as half an hour to leave my house. She also walks through my house, like follows me into my kitchen and has followed me into the bathroom before. She usually is venting about personal problems, so I never feel comfortable telling her about issues her kid is having. In fact I usually don't get a chance.
- The dad found my personal instagram and started following me, and it feels really awkward. I don't think the mom knows. He commented and liked photos on my instagram late at night, I never responded. He also sent a few weird texts, I took a day to respond and just answered with one word answers to keep it professional.
So basically this is the worst experience I have ever had with a kid and family. I'm sure you're reading this and thinking "what is wrong with you why are you still watching this kid?" or maybe "did you really have to type all this out this is way too long," I understand both. My problem is that I'm pretty shy, I'm not good at saying no, I tend to let people walk all over me. So I really have no idea how to tell someone who I've never established boundaries with that I don't want to watch their kid without it being messy.
Yesterday I meant to ask 2 yo's mom again if she could cut his nails, because he scratched my 2 yo across her nose a couple weeks ago and scratched me last week, and bled on something again. She came late and I was filling the tub for my 2 yo because it was almost bedtime, I didn't hear her knock and she didn't call, she was mad and left quickly. I sent a text asking nicely but casually if she could cut his nails, and I got no response. Today he showed up with long nails and his dad dropped him off and picked him up which isn't normal, so I think she's being passive aggressive.
So I can't sleep, I feel sick and anxious at the thought of a confrontation. I'm really scared things are going to get ugly, and I'm afraid I still won't have the courage to stand up for myself. I really need help with this, as much advice as humanly possible with plenty of detail, because I have no idea how to start this kind of conversation much less execute it. Any advice on how to set boundaries and rules would be great too (like how to tell someone to scram after I've watched their kid for 10 hours, but nicely. Or ask for their last name).
PS, I am really sorry this is so long, it's as long as a Dan Brown novel. I just need to make the font bigger and add tons of page breaks and conspiracy theories and you will have read a Dan Brown novel.
Due to your personality, I don’t think my normal advice would work. So I will just suggest you set up a conference with the parents. If I were you I’d have my spouse, parent or strong personality out of sight but in ear shot. When they arrive they would see the other adult. The other adult could go to another area within ear shot but out of sight. This is so they know you’re not alone.
All of the bullet points you’ve shared with us is what I’d share with them. I would say the following:
I’d let to share with you some observations I’ve noticed caring for _________. I also would like to discuss some boundaries.
First I offer group care, _________ requires a lot of one on one care. During group projects he doesn’t appear interested in participating. We were painting flowers. ________ proceeded to tear up his paper as he ran around the room. I stopped him and guided him back to the table. He then started chewing and eating on the paper. While all these examples may be common development stages for a child exploring his environment. _________ needs for constant redirection and guidance results on the other children in care oftentimes missing out on group crafts or activities.
When ________ doesn’t want to participate. I encourage him to play with blocks, trucks or look at a book. _________ will play or engage in an activity for a minute or two. Then he will take the truck, block or book and hit a child or me during our activity. He has also bitten. Violence is unacceptable in group care. It’s a safety issue.
Another safety and health issue is _________ Johnny comes in without shoes in the morning. His feet are often black on the bottom. That dirt is transferred to my floor, myself and other children in my care because he often kicks or rubs his feet on us. Other health and safety concerns are due to his excessive insect bites, he scratches he is constantly bleeding. From this point forward all his bug bites must be covered by bandaids and/or clothing or I cannot accept him into care that day. His body odor is also quite strong. He equally must arrive bathed, fingernails cut wearing clean clothes.
I would like us to work as a team in guiding ______ in appropriate behaviors. One of the important steps we can start immediately working together on is creating a routine of appropriate behavior at drop-off and pick-up. When he arrives clean and with shoes on, he is not allowed to lick windows. We all say our good mornings for the day and our goodbyes. At pick up it’s the same thing, once you arrive we greet one another and then parents promptly take him home to start an evening of family time.
Also, I would be documenting all your interactions with them AND I would’ve made a call to CPS and my licensor regarding suspicion of child neglect.
You deserve to sleep at night. You work hard during the day. Lack of sleep, leads to stress and stress leads to lack of patience. And I firmly believe this business requires a ton of patience. Don’t allow this family to ruin your business, you have the control in this business relationship. You just need to pick up the reins.