Originally Posted by professionalmom:
No one ever said that being a working mom = bad mom. 
You are just taking other people’s words and twisting them. My guess is that, subconsciously, you feel guilty, so you take offense to anyone saying that children need to be with their parents as much as possible. As I have said over and over, if the child needs to be in daycare for the parents to WORK, then it’s a situation of “you have to do what you have to do.” That is why we are here as daycare providers, to support those who need it. There is a BIG difference between that and using daycare as a backup when the parent just doesn’t feel like being a parent that day or week, turn around and go home to “rest” or take a vacation.
That is exactly the situation that I completely support. As you said, they were with you EXCEPT when you were at work. That’s what I like to hear – parents who spend as much time as possible, outside of work, with their children. Therefore, I do not understand why you are so defensive. Nothing I ever said was directed at parents like you.
Once a week? Seriously. After spending 50+ hours away from your kids? How about a date night with your kids to “reconnect” with them too? Sure everyone needs a night away from the kids – but once a week? And most of the parents I know in my personal life (not the daycare families) have date nights once every 6-8 weeks (if they’re lucky) and take those after the kids are in bed and never take a vacation without the kids until the kids are at least 5 years old. So, it’s not an either / or situation. The ones who take date nights once a week are also the ones who take week long vacations away from their kids.
You left your son in the care of his FATHER. That’s not the same as pawning him off to a family member or stranger. He was still with one of his parents. Again, you’re comparing apples to oranges.
Really, where’s your research to back that up. I had my mom the entire time during my formative years and on my first day of kindergarten, I was excited and thrilled to go and learn and meet new friends. I never shed a tear. My DD, who will be 2 tomorrow, has never cried when I had to leave her with her dad, grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt, or cousin. Although I have never taught her how to be gentle and kind to animals, she is and has always been. She pets them gently and lovingly. She has never been violent toward any of the daycare kids in my care, even though THEY have hit her and bit her. She walks right up to other people and tries to hand them a toy as an offer of friendship. She is the sweetest child I have ever seen. She sees time away from mom and dad as an adventure, not a traumatic event. It does not evoke fear of permanent loss, like it did in so many of my past daycare kids. Separation anxiety has never been an issue with my DD. I guess that’s what you call being “unable to adjust in the real world.”
My goal is to also raise strong independent children. But I also know that the foundation of that is to provider a solid, secure sense of security and attachment to others, starting with the first relationship they have ever, or will ever encounter, the parent / child relationship. If you are only taking a vacation every 5 years, then you are not the type of parent any of us were talking about. We were talking about the ones that always use their vacations as “get-aways” from their kids after spending very little time with them in the first place.
When did anyone every say that parents should be with their kids 365 days a year for 18 years? All I ever said was “as much as possible” during the formative years and that once the children are school-age separate vacations are more acceptable (because they can go to camp, grandma’s, friends’, etc.). How does THAT translate into 365 days a year for 18 years? Oddly, I have found that when people overexaggerate, it's usually for the same reason that other people resort to using derogatory language.
And here’s a question, especially for QualiTcare: since when did it become a BAD thing to spend as much time as possible taking care of your own children and being an at-home mom during their FORMATIVE YEARS? From the way you are talking, a child who is NOT in daycare is less of a person and less prepared for the “real world” than children in daycare? Please, please, please show me the studies, statistics, and/or research on this! Because every piece of research I have seen says the EXACT OPPOSITE. I never said you, or parents like you are bad parents. But you are definitely getting hostile toward parents who are parenting their children themselves and staying home to do it. You made it sound like parents like me (at-home moms) are hindering our children in some way.
If that’s what you must tell yourself so you feel better, then go ahead and live in that self-imposed world of delusions.
first of all, i don't need to tell myself anything in order to "feel better." i already said my kids went to daycare as infants and i don't feel bad nor apologize for it. i CHOOSE to work. i stopped doing daycare so i could go back to work in the "real world."
i guess i'm a bad parent because i choose to go to work away from home when my bills don't depend on it. people will say, "oh, no, that's not what i meant," but in other threads and repeatedly, it has been said, "i understand when both parents HAVE to work." which implies that if they don't absolutely HAVE to then it's wrong! i've also said before - why is a man that works 50,60,70 hours a week a "good man" and a "hard worker" but if the mother wants to work full time then she's "missing out" and "doesn't realize what she's missing."
the working v. stay at home mom debate is nothing new. it's been going on forever. there's nothing WRONG with staying at home with your kids if you WANT to just like there's nothing wrong with NOT staying at home if you DONT want to. neither side needs to justify themselves.
you'll notice though that a lot of stay at home moms are still stay at home moms when their kids are teenagers and are in school all day or even have jobs themselves. that does make me wonder about the "not wanting to miss any time" excuse. i DO think there are a lot of women that just don't want to work and it makes them look better to say they want to be there for the kids.