Originally Posted by Pestle:
You've used the words "I tell her X" a bunch of times. I can feel your frustration. Loss of control is the worst experience for me, for sure. But in your situation, listening is ABSOLUTELY a choice, because she isn't experiencing consequences in the right way.
She is not changing her behavior when you tell her things. She responds by doing what she thinks will get you off her case, and then carries on with what she wants.
The more you tell her, the more your instructions are becoming a drone she can easily tune out.
Pick 2--absolutely no more than 3--behaviors that you feel are the most crucial ones to curb immediately. Figure out what consequence is appropriate for each one. And the next time she arrives, don't give warnings--for anything. Let the other behaviors slide, because saying "don't do X" is just watering down your message. When she does those 2 or 3 behaviors, immediately implement the consequence, with minimal talking from you--just say "We do not do X" and make the consequence occur.
Notice the difference? It's not a command--"Stop doing X." It's a statement--"X is not going to be done." And you are the one who follows through to make sure X is not done. Don't explain, don't negotiate, don't gloat. Just do it. And do it consistently, and in a few weeks she'll hopefully have changed her behavior and you'll be able to move on to the next-most-critical items.
"Don't touch the baby" should be number one. I absolutely do not permit kids to touch infants. And I do not expect the kids to police their own behavior! Ensuring the safety of the infants is my job, not the job of the toddlers. So when a child gets grabby, I say "Oh, bummer. We don't touch the baby," and I pop that kid right over the gate into the other side of the playroom. (You need some way to keep the kids physically separated if they are picking on each other.)
She may have a disorder, but ignoring verbal instructions, having monstrous tantrums, and goading other kids into wild behavior are all expected behaviors at age 3. This is an opportunity for you to build new habits of responding to those behaviors, so when you encounter them in other kids you'll have a playbook.
Thank you Im going to try this.
For the dont touch the baby, she touches the baby while im holding the baby. She will come up to me and start pulling at the legs. Idk why!