I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Sadly, I understand. My youngest son had issues at daycare, esp. with listening and following directions. Luckily for me, the day care owner was very intuitive and she notified me and asked for my permission to call in her friends at the bd. of ed. in the area where we lived. Long story short, my son was exp.'ing sensory overload, he has asperbergers. So my situation was a call or cry for help. I am not implying anything about your son, just trying to broaden the spectrum of options. As far as your daughter is concerned, if you google "age of defiance" you will come across a lot of interesting articles that may be of some assistance for you. Another issue that doesn't bode well with me is, if your daughter is 2 years old and being defiant, why is it such a problem for them to deal with. Its not called "terrible two's" for nothing
The providers should be very well versed in dealing with this stage of development.
Good luck to ya.