Hmm, I'm starting to see that part of the problem is me. No one specifically said it, I just see what I'm not doing, or can't do all the time. There's times when she gets by with not listening because so much other stuff is going on, or one child is hitting another one, or a toddler is biting someone, or someone potty training just had an accident and left a puddle... you know all those things that come up at the worst times lol
So by the time that madness is over, she's already gotten by with not listening. Most of the time we do make her go to the potty and at least try. But she's so stubborn, she'll sit there for a minute (while chaos is going on in the other room of course) and then say she can't, and refuse to sit any longer. Then two minutes later, she has an "accident". But there are sometimes when I tell her to go, she says she doesn't need to, gets mad...and then something comes up and I have to run and take care of that. So when I go back to have her at least try, she says she already went (in her pants of course!). She's even wet her pants before just barely enough that they're too wet to leave them on her, but not enough to actually be an accident all because she wanted to change clothes and I wouldn't let her. I wish I could just let her sit in her wet pants for a little while for doing that kind of thing, but I'd never do that. I could get into too much trouble for one thing. I am careful to not give her any more attention than necessary when she does "have an accident". She changes her own clothes and puts them in the plastic bag herself.
I have heard before that you should just tell a child once and then turn your back and walk away, like some of you all were saying, and I would
like to just ignore it when she doesn't listen, but it seems to me that she's getting her way then. The toys eventually just get picked up by me or someone else, she still gets to run (which then makes the others continue it too, because that's what kids do. All it takes is one to break the rules), and she still gets to look at the book or play with the toy she's not supposed to have (while all the other kids yell "no fair" at that, and then do it themself and use the excuse, "but you let x do it!"). Do you think it would eventually work, or what should I do in those cases? She's not the only one we have trouble with on not listening, but she's just gotten worse and SO much more defiant over things.
Thanks for the continued advice!