Originally Posted by Unregistered:
To Denack - I am truly sorry that I hurt and/or offended you with my post. I stand by what I have said (and don't think I said anything different from the others) but make one large clarification that I was not referring to you or your situation specifically. I was speaking generally and broadly about things ALL PARENTS should not do/do with a child that they intend to attend group daycare. I did not say or mean that you did these things at all . . . . The main message I wanted to send was that PARENTS SHOULD BE EDUCATED about how to prepare a child for daycare and that I feel so strongly for the children that are not "prepped" for daycare as they SUFFER, I have seen it too many times and it is horrible to me.
Please let me elaborate: I am not a provider but I can definitely say that I work in conjunction with the business of childcare and I have met hundreds of daycare providers (Nannies, home daycare providers and center providers alike). I have seen too many children TRYING to adjust to day care, too many frustrated, desensitized providers and too many parents with completely unrealistic expectations of what a group day care situation is able to provide for their child. No matter which of the 3 we are talking about, the final consequence is always the baby/toddler! He could be crying all day, not sleeping all day, sleeping all day, going hungry (since he refuses to drink from a bottle), "transitioning" to group care or the worst ultimate possibility, end up a a mal-adjusted, non-trusting, emotionally tramatized young child.
I have three children of my own. (Two of them were in group daycare situations at some point between 18 months and 4 years old). I will be the first one to say that I made some pretty BIG mistakes while learning how to parent. I also unintentionally (put myself first before my children) on more than one occasion and wound up hurting them in the process. Luckily, I don't have too many regrets, learned A LOT, didn't seem to do any permanant damage to them (or myself) and am proud to say I have three really great kids that I KNOW I did the best I could do with with the resources that I had.
My post was a result of my work and what I see is the current climate of childcare and parenting (education and skills). Let me give you an example of what I mean: I was at XX Day Care on Thursday of last week. This is a home day care run by a respected and admired provider that has had this business for 21 years. She has one part-time college attending assistant that works for her 3 days per week. She is always full and always has a waiting list (even in this economy). I have known her for 17 years and consider her to be the "cream of the crop" of providers that is fortunate to work with a high socio-economic population. She is a genuine lovely lady, with an ideal disposition, that truly cares for children and does her best when she is with them. She is very tolerant but also very honest when dealing with her daycare parents. She currently has 8 children in her care (M-TH, 6 on Friday) of which only 1 child is an infant and the other 7 are between 18 months and 4 years of age. While I was there, I observed her with the new infant that was 8 months of age. To say he was inconsolable would be putting it mildly. He would not stop crying no matter what she did. The things she did were change him, TRY to feed him, put him down for a nap, put him in a swing, put him in an entertaining excersaucer, carry him while atttending to the others, rock him, put him down to play with toys. Let me tell you what he did (besides the crying): if he was on a flat surface (whether laying or sitting) he immediately flipped onto his belly, tucked his legs under and put his bum in the air, changing him was next to impossible as he kept flipping. He was SO Strong and determined to be in this position that even when placed in the exersaucer he tucked his legs up, pulled his hands and arms into himself and just remained leaned forward in a vertical tucked position. The swing just made him scream! as he was strapped and unable to flip and he had no interest in the gadgets on the saucer, swing or toys on the floor. The feeding attempt was the worst as he was so hungry
The only thing he did with that bottle was lick it oddly, "gum it" (for lack of a better term) until some of the milk made it into his mouth (only to fall right out of both sides). This poor 7 month old was searching and searching for that breast that was never to be found, In all these situations the crying/screaming continued and escalated. Why? Because no matter the situation that child was so hungry and the constant searching for that breast that did not exist increasingly frustrated and aggravated him. The provider shared with me that this was week 2 with this baby, that the Mom likde to sleep with him on her chest, breastfeed on demand when she could. When asked about the pumping milk and feeding from a bottle she told the daycare lady that she had "practiced" with him the prior weekend but preferred to give him the real thing if she was present. After a dissasterous 1st week in day care, she promised she would work on his independence by using a bottle, not sleeping with him etc.. When asked how it was going, the Mom would respond that she tried but decided, it was cruel of her to deny him what he wanted most and why should he be away from her in the evening if she did not get to be with him all day? When the provider tried to speak with her about how this was affecting the baby, the daycare as a whole and the provider herself as a result, Mom would try to make more suggestions of how to console her baby, spend more time holding him, try feeding him every half hour to see if he was interested . . . THIS IS THE ONE ON ONE CARE EXPECTATIONS THAT I WAS REFERRING TO. Think about all the other kids!! How would she do it? This situiation is very common and, (to me) the equivalent of torture for an infant! Also, this provider is TRYING by actually consoling and holding the baby (and I may get shot down for this) which in my observations of childcare providers for many years is hardly the norm.
This provider is the best case scenario for a child like this and but is a rarity in general . . . the reality is that what MOST other group care providers would do is simply you to say they "could not deal with the non-stop crying" and to please pick up your child. Then there is the possible over-frustration and borderline abuse/neglect that can occur . . . but I won't even get into that. Almost all providers, will tell a parent what they want to hear . . . that they hold children, console them, teach them, respond to their requests, etc. Again, I will stand by the statement, that most (not all as there are exceptions) will not do these things and the child is left to cry, until they learn (over weeks, days, whatever) they will not be responded to. Unless it is that chuild's 20 minute increment to be fed or 5 min increment for a diaper change, the child is accounted for and generally kept safe. Nuture and love are not commonplace in group day care. Too many kids, not enough time . . .
I do not believe that this ignorance of infant needs is not intentional and is not to hurt or neglect the child. I do believe it is simply a result of 1 provider having to work 10 -12 hour days and divide their attention between too many children. Most provider's choose to "act" the part at pick up and drop off in order, to perpetuate the myth that "they treat your children as they would treat their own". The poor parents are often tired, overwhelmed and choose to believe what they are told because often it is just easier to do just so. No one wants to hear and/or believe: Your baby was inconsolable and cried, screamed all day. Instead they like to hear, "He had a pretty good day Mommy, he didn't eat that well as he wasn't particularly hungry . . . I don't know why but he just got fussy about 5 minutes ago!
Please understand that these are direct observations over a 20 year period and not assumptions or generalizations.
So this is why I wish parents would be educated on what it takes for a child to be successful in a group care environment. My original post said not to "attachment parent", "co-sleep" etc IF YOUR CHOICE OF CARE IS GROUP DAY CARE because the child WILL SUFFER unneccissarily adjusting to the care. I realize that this type of parenting seems like a great way to maximize the time you are with your child . . . but it "unintentionally" is damaging to the group care child. The one it pacifies and comforts is the parent. The parent is not a witness the next day, as the child is forced to withdrawal at daycare when his needs CAN NOT be met and the provider has 7 other kids to tend to. By the way, I am a strong advocate of the above practices and any style of parenting as long as it first and foremost benefits the child and can be administered consistently.
I should have ended my post by actually commending you for turning to this website like this to seek help with your situation, ask questions, listen to what the providers and parents were telling you and putting the advice they gave to use. You are doing the right thing for your child and being a responsible parent.
For all parents that use or intend to use group day care for their child . . . don't count on being the exception, prepare your child, read the studies on daycare and children, listen to the provider, adopt a "group" mentality, choose quality care (and cut something else out if you must) and read your child's cues. There is a website that speaks volumes about the realities of ratios in group care and has hundreds of providers share their honest experiences. I don't like the name of the site as it is a bit sensationalistic (daycaresdontcare.org . . . but for those that can see past that and remain objective as they gather information, in can be a valuable resource (the section "Do the Math for DayCare" is invaluable for a parent to know). There are great daycares, providers and parents out there. Thank you for all the participate in this site to inform and educate. You can and are making a difference.
Rock Star post!!!! I also love that site.... Most going in think it would be bashing Childcare, but the truth is we
all have our part to play in providing the best possible outcome for children. Sadly adults needs and childrens needs do not always meet as they should....