Originally Posted by NoMoreJuice!:
Thanks for that dose of tough love advice you knew I needed. I can always count on you for that. 
I would say compared to many providers on here, I get a little too involved in my families' lives. All providers have to find a balance of personal/professional interactions, and I'm comfortable being a major part of the family in most cases. Most of the time, I'm the only one these parents have to turn to for advice or support, and I truly love being able to help them.
That is really a good thing. Good for you that you do that.
Its not something I am comfortable with but I definitely see the value in it for many reasons. 
The insurance thing I totally get that it sounds personal, but she told me a while back that the counselor they'd been seeing with the older boy stopped taking her insurance, so they had to find a new counselor that they didn't like as much. That was around the time CPS came and talked to my DCB because of what the older brother told the school counselor.
With the added info, it makes sense... before I read as if you just out of the blue said that to mom and I was like 
Again, it really is nice that you are able to be close enough to mom that you can talk openly and freely about this.
The dad, who I've only seen about 5 times in the last few years, gives me such a bad feeling. He works in a chop shop and has illegal firearms (he's a felon). So I don't really want him around my house, and if he has to leave work to get the boy I'm afraid he'll do more damage (emotionally and possibly physically). Of course if he showed up, I know the law, I wouldn't deny him access to his son. But the mom and I both agree that he shouldn't be around dcb when emotions are so high.
Yikes! Now I can understand..
He may very well be angry with DCB for being aggressive and having to be picked up that it is more of a protection (for DCB's well being/and your home itself) than a decision based on your interpretation of the family dynamics. Again the reasons behind your actions are now a bit more clear.
I need a game plan. When dcb gets violent, he gets sent home immediately (and I just need to suck it up and not care who picks him up). But I do understand you not wanting dad to come and why. Maybe ask mom if there is another relative or family friend that can pick up when she cant...
But for when he's just frustrated and not really lashing out, is there a good calming activity he could do? What has worked for everyone in the past, a calming jar? Coloring? Grinding crayons into a piece of paper may relieve some tension. Today I turned on some Brahms and tried to let that soothe him, but it didn't work since the others were running around dancing and making a dance party out of it!
I answered in red above.
YES! The calming jars are wonderful and are actually pretty mesmerizing and they definitely can have that calming affect for those times in which a child is seeing red.
I think your best bet is to talk with him only when he is calm. When he is feeling stressed or having a tantrum, I think it's best to give him a safe place to do so...a large floor cushion or just a place he can be alone for a minute or two. Maybe involve him in planning something so he knows what to expect before you do it...kwim?
My son suffered some anger issues, mostly out of anxiety due to not being able to express himself clearly and it always helped when he and I could talk about it after and prepare for better more positive choices afterwards.
I am betting you could find some books about feeling angry and what kids can do to learn more positive approaches to feeling angry.
I think it's great that you are so willing to be a stable resource for not only the child but the family as a whole.
