Originally Posted by unregistered:
My son is 2 years 3 months. He has been at the same home daycare provider since he was 3 months old. lives right around the corner. I had become friendly with her because she was so great with the kids and a really nice person, and I also became close with one of the other mothers (who I used to work with and hers son is the same age as my son).
This tells me that she is probably a "YES" kind of provider who is emotionally bound to her clients (tenderhearted). Although that makes for a great friend, as a Childcare Provider it can go badly quickly. 
We are women, too..
A "YES" provider will say yes when they don't want to and tend to keep a running tally of everything extra (outside of the normal hours/contract) they do for each parent. A lot of times it is extra stuff they chose to do themselves, without being asked, that go unnoticed. 
The parent just see's it as "included in service" because the provider seemed to not mind at all. It builds and builds until one negative/critical comment brings up years worth of resentment from all the unwanted "Yes's".
I have a feeling that is the land mine you stepped on, hun. 
provider has now assumed the responsibility of being his mother. The boy has not left her home in months. He sleeps there, she buys him clothes, food, etc.
This is classic "I can save this child"... I admit I have been guilty of it.
It feels like you will have failed your mission in life if you can't... It can take getting bitten (so to speak) by this a couple times to realize you are not saving anyone, you are being taken advantage of.
The other Mother will most likely also step on the same "landmine" as you since this provider will be building up resentment at a much faster pace with all that extra.
3 separate occasions within the last 8 months that my son has come home with scratches on his face. Among other bumps and bruises, but I am mostly concerned with those on his face. It happened again yesterday and I'm sure the day care provider lied to me and told me that he was rubbing his eye and that's how he got scratches under his eye.
If you no longer trust her and feel your son is in danger please don't take him back. That kind of tension is not good for anyone.
...but the provider is sucked so far into thinking this is her child that she won't see anyone else's side. As we were talking this morning, the little boy walked over to the 1 year old girl that was sitting on the floor playing with a doll and just pushed her over for no reason. When i pointed to it she told me "he's just aggressive." She says she will keep an eye on the boys more, but I don't think she thinks it's a big deal. I asked her if she thought that maybe because he's living there he thinks everything is his and she got defensive right away and said "no, he's always been aggressive."
I feel pretty strongly she is dreading your pulling up in the driveway and is just trying to say anything that will please you to get you out the door. It is a stress response from the tension and living on eggshells.
She is hurt, you are hurt and the other mother is most likely hurt (from when you confronted her). Hurt translates to anger under stress...add a little PMS and you have lifetime movie of the month.
Again this is coming from a place of resentment and hurt. I am willing to bet this whole issue is MUCH more about the adults than the kids.
I tried talking to his mother today this afternoon and she just didn't think it was a big deal telling me that "both of them leave marks on each other" even though no one has ever brought to my attention that my son has left a mark on her son (other than 1 bite mark I was shown over 6 months ago)
This is why it is illegal for us to tell you which kid did what. (at least in my State) Here, if you had confronted another parent you would have been terminated immediately. This is COMMON procedure...and a HUGE no-no. I am sure you did not know that, but I thought you should know it for the future.
I'm not sure what I should do. He only has 1 more year before preschool and he loves it at this place, he's comfortable and I don't want to traumatize him by taking him out and putting him somewhere else just yet.
This is why I feel this whole thing is an adult issue, not a child issue.
I have two 2.5 years old boys. I also have two 12 year old son's and what you are describing is pretty much sibling behaviors in boys. When they spend 50 hours a week of mostly waking time, they become very much sibling-like.
Yes, you can teach them not to act that way by enforcing a no violence zone (that is my policy) but it is a learned behavior that requires constant supervision, enforcement and redirection.
Is what she's doing even legal? can you have a child of the daycare (that is not yours or in any way related) living at your house?
Yes, I have done it a few times myself for premature infants and post-op kids whose parents need more help than their families could give. We still have our civil rights. I know it is frustrating, but her personal choices are really none of you business. I don't say that to be ugly.. The problem came in by her TELLING you all her personal business. Bad business decision, IMHO.
can you anonymously report a day care, so the company that regulates her will do a pop up visit and check it out?
Yes, but you can also be hit with a libel or slander suit so be sure it is worth it. Going after someones livelihood tends to bring out the ugly in them, IYKWIM? I don't know ANY provider who did not know who called them in. It is a pretty tight knit community and the other providers in your area will know before your feet hit the pavement looking for care. Tread lightly.
any advice would be great! 
Originally Posted by unregistered:
His mother is not paying the daycare provider AT ALL. She spends her own money on his food and clothes and everything...and is now uping the daycare cost for new kids (although she hasn't gotten any in over a year) because she now has more expenses taking care of this kid that is not hers.
This has NOTHING to do with you or your son. You should never have been given this information. By mentioning it I have to ask... Is this why you resent this other child so much suddenly after 2 years? It is sounding that way.
You can't compare the "special" she does for one family against what she does for you. That is not fair. It seems that is where your resentment stems from.
Originally Posted by unregistered:
another question for everyone...if I do take him out, do I tell the other parents left behind what is happening?
That is slander and I, myself, would take you to court. Again, messing with someones livelihood tends to bring out the worst in them. Unless you sincerely suspect ABUSE is going on, I'd recommend keeping to your own personal business. Tread lightly.
She also has her husbands father from Guatemala now living there...and because her assistant went home to the Dominican republic for the summer she basically has her 19 year old step-son (who is mentally the age of a 12 year old...not exaggerating, he does have a problem) as her assistant for the summer.
Again, this is none of you business. If she is operating within her States rules and regs...then it really does not concern you. I know it is hard to keep personal and business separate, that is why she should NOT have treated you like a friend to begin with.
I've made sure to let her know I don't want him changing my sons diapers, but I can't be sure it's not going on when no one is there.
This is a LOADED statement and I would have terminated your care on the spot for it. I want you to understand how this would have felt. If I said to you.. "Now, I don't want your nasty pervert son/husband/brother/father/uncle anywhere around my child." how would you react?
That was hurtful. If you don't trust her to care for your child after two years of wonderful service (your words), then don't leave him there PERIOD.
IMHO, your 3+ year old should not be in diapers...but to say that to her was just bullying. You are already unhappy (for 8 months according to you)...so instead of continuing this passive aggressive battle of wills, PLEASE just take your son somewhere else. You are not doing yourself or your son any good like this.
actually typing all this out and reading it...makes me realize how crazy this situation is. I think I know what I need to do...
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE move your son to another daycare. This relationship has gone sour and cannot be repaired.
Both your provider AND you have behaved badly, here. I hope you can see it. I am not telling you that to be ugly.. I want you to see it so you can prevent in from happening again, OK??
It will be a HUGE weight off both yours, your providers AND your son's shoulder for this to be in the past as soon as possible.