Wow yeah, I read the thread by msmiranda on that other forum also and it does seem like it's your DCM (you wouldn't happen to have 4yo also would you?) Seems like a hard position to be in. I'm one of those that also believes that you as a parent can spank if you want to as long as it is your own children and your not "beating" your child. Be thankful that you don't live in CA where spanking even your own children is illegal
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I think you should let them go. Do you really need that kind of drama? I mean like you said, she can wail about how she doesn't want her son to exposed to the word "spank" but she'll allow her son to be physically violent against her? C'mon, really?