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Old 08-17-2011, 07:26 PM
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Default 4yr Old Threw a Chair at Another

Ok, so one of my dcb threw a chair at another 4yr old. One of those plastic step 2 type chairs. I caught it out of the corner of my eye as we are getting ready to close for the day. I told the boy that we do NOT throw things in the house, not to mention at one of our friends. I placed him in time out. The victim was beside himself in tears. After I calmed him down, I said to the the thrower, Throwing things is dangerous. I know X is your friend, and now he is hurt because you broke the rules. (At this point, I saw his mom coming up the drive way and figured I'd try to wrap this all up as quickly as possible) I'd like you to apologize to X and then you can help us finish cleaning up". Normally, this would work just fine, but he saw his mom and made a bee line to the gate. (He also had started tearing up, whether he was feeling bad for hurting his buddy, or being mad because he had gotten in trouble, I'm not sure)

So, of course I had to tell his mom what was happening. She agreed with me "go apologize to your friend and then we can go home." Well, long and short, now it is a power struggle. He keeps saying no. Growling and yelling at her, because she's saying, "we can't go home until you apologize. Now you're not going to get a treat when we get home." ETC. So he comes over to us like he's going to say sorry, stands there for a few seconds, goes back to his mom asking if he can call a family member, and she'll get him a treat. And mom says "we'll see, go say sorry"he screams no and starts peeling the paint off the wall. She keeps saying ":don't do that, it's not polite" Moves his hand away and he does it again and again. ARG! She keeps threatening to not let him do this or have this if he doesn't apologize. I gave up. Other boys mom texted me saying she's on her way, my day is officially over 5 mins ago. This has been going on 20 minutes, and I saw I lost control of the situation as soon as mom walked in the door!

I say, "k, that's enough. It's time for you to go home. Your mom wants to leave" I told her "this has become a power struggle. You made some promises, and because he isn't listening, you have to follow through." She looked so upset for making these threats she couldn't keep. I said to her "I know you feel bad cuz you got him a special treat, but you have to stick to your guns."and she says how she feels bad for denying him for....and she couldn't think of why she was denying him!!! I supplied "because he's not listening to you and he broke several rules!! "" She nodded, but I don't know if she will give in cuz he was screaming and crying how he wants his popsicle or something. I felt bad for her having to struggle with her natural inclination to make her child happy, but geez! I don't want her yanking her kid cuz daycare lady is mean and unyeilding on the rules. He gives me plenty of attitude through out the day, but it's half hearted, as he knows it don't work here.

Big question - How do I tell mom to stop being such a push over and take control of her kid?? (without sounding like a bully?)

Last edited by Michael; 08-18-2011 at 12:49 AM.
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Old 08-17-2011, 07:34 PM
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sharlan sharlan is online now
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You can't. You have a situation where the child's in control of the home.
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Old 08-17-2011, 08:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleD View Post
Ok, so one of my dcb threw a chair at another 4yr old. One of those plastic step 2 type chairs. I caught it out of the corner of my eye as we are getting ready to close for the day. I told the boy that we do NOT throw things in the house, not to mention at one of our friends. I placed him in time out. The victim was beside himself in tears. After I calmed him down, I said to the the thrower, Throwing things is dangerous. I know X is your friend, and now he is hurt because you broke the rules. (At this point, I saw his mom coming up the drive way and figured I'd try to wrap this all up as quickly as possible) I'd like you to apologize to X and then you can help us finish cleaning up". Normally, this would work just fine, but he saw his mom and made a bee line to the gate. (He also had started tearing up, whether he was feeling bad for hurting his buddy, or being mad because he had gotten in trouble, I'm not sure)
So, of course I had to tell his mom what was happening. She agreed with me "go apologize to your friend and then we can go home." Well, long and short, now it is a power struggle. He keeps saying no. Growling and yelling at her, because she's saying, "we can't go home until you apologize. Now you're not going to get a treat when we get home." ETC. So he comes over to us like he's going to say sorry, stands there for a few seconds, goes back to his mom asking if he can call a family member, and she'll get him a treat. And mom says "we'll see, go say sorry"he screams no and starts peeling the paint off the wall. She keeps saying ":don't do that, it's not polite" Moves his hand away and he does it again and again. ARG! She keeps threatening to not let him do this or have this if he doesn't apologize. I gave up. Other boys mom texted me saying she's on her way, my day is officially over 5 mins ago. This has been going on 20 minutes, and I saw I lost control of the situation as soon as mom walked in the door!
I say, "k, that's enough. It's time for you to go home. Your mom wants to leave" I told her "this has become a power struggle. You made some promises, and because he isn't listening, you have to follow through." She looked so upset for making these threats she couldn't keep. I said to her "I know you feel bad cuz you got him a special treat, but you have to stick to your guns."and she says how she feels bad for denying him for....and she couldn't think of why she was denying him!!! I supplied "because he's not listening to you and he broke several rules!! "" She nodded, but I don't know if she will give in cuz he was screaming and crying how he wants his popsicle or something. I felt bad for her having to struggle with her natural inclination to make her child happy, but geez! I don't want her yanking her kid cuz daycare lady is mean and unyeilding on the rules. He gives me plenty of attitude through out the day, but it's half hearted, as he knows it don't work here.

Big question - How do I tell mom to stop being such a push over and take control of her kid?? (without sounding like a bully?)
Pretty much impossible because he is in control of her and his home. Been there done that, finally said bye bye. Now he is someone elses problem and being shipped around to dif providers because no one puts up with it as long as I did. She has to be on board and has to be worked as a team or it will fail. Good luck!
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Old 08-18-2011, 12:07 AM
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Some parents just don't get how manipulative their child can be and allow them to run all over them. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do...
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Old 08-18-2011, 03:57 AM
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I think maybe next time completing the process (finish time-out and apology) despite Mom being there. I've had to do that with one of my more "energetic" DCB's. Once Mom or Dad entered and I turned it over to them, I had the same situation you had. I learned fast to have him complete the process with Mom or Dad standing right there. I think it shows them that it doesn't matter if they are there or not, the rules are the rules (for child and parents).

It is frustrating for sure!
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Old 08-18-2011, 04:28 AM
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http://daycare.com/nannyde/should-we...-are-sorry.htm
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Old 08-18-2011, 05:59 AM
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I wouldn't have insisted on him saying sorry. A natural consequence of losing chair privileges the next day or something to that effect would have been better because you know you would "win" that battle. ask mom what happened yesterday evening, k?
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom View Post
I wouldn't have insisted on him saying sorry. A natural consequence of losing chair privileges the next day or something to that effect would have been better because you know you would "win" that battle. ask mom what happened yesterday evening, k?
She said when dad came home he told him that he had been bad at daycare. That he threw a chair, but shouldn't have to say sorry because it was an accident.

NannyDe- I have read that article. This is a 4 yr old, who knows remorse and empathy, and Know why they are saying sorry. Normally it isn't an issue. My kids are (on a good day) naturally intuitive towards each others feelings, and do display empathy and remorse. This was simply a power struggle.
My 6 yr old son has tried the but I said I'm sorry, I quickly put the notion out of his head that it will get him out of time outs. Now, I don't have to ask him to say sorry. He says it on his own when he has done something wrong. And he feels the remorse. "'m sorry I broke my sisters toy. It was an accident and I don't want her to be sad!"
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