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Old 08-23-2011, 04:26 PM
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Unhappy Looking For Advice Please!!

hello all! I'm new to the forum, but I'm at a dead end of what I should do and just need advice or was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. My son is 2 years 3 months. He has been at the same home daycare provider since he was 3 months old. She is the wife of a guy I work with (not closely, but at the same company), and lives right around the corner. At first she was awsome! She would have certain time set aside to learn with the kids and always feed them really good and organic foods. She was really loving and caring and my son never wanted to leave when I went to pick him up because he loved it, and I loved that. I raved to everyone about how great she was. Now things have taken a drastic turn.

I had become friendly with her because she was so great with the kids and a really nice person, and I also became close with one of the other mothers (who I used to work with and hers son is the same age as my son). The mother that I became close with was laid off about 8 months ago and ever since she has not taken her son out of the day care and the day care provider has now assumed the resposbility of being his mother. The boy has not left her home in months. He sleeps there, she buys him clothes, food, etc. All while his mother goes out on dates, goes to the gym, and does her own thing. Because the child is living there, he is now bullying all the kids because he thinks all the toys and things in the day care/house belong to him. It has been 3 seperate occasions within the last 8 months that my son has come home with scrathes on his face. Among other bumps and bruises, but I am mostly concerned with those on his face. It happened again yesterday and I'm sure the day care provider lied to me and told me that he was rubbing his eye and that's how he got scratches under his eye. My son (who is very advanced in speaking and thinking skills for his age) told me that the little boy grabbed his faced (he showed me what he did), and scratched his eye. But the day care provider is now telling me that there was no way he could have done it because he was in the kitchen with her. I know that he did not get scratches from rubbing his eye...but the provider is sucked so far into thinking this is her child that she won't see anyone elses side. As we were talking this morning, the little boy walked over to the 1 year old girl that was sitting on the floor playing with a doll and just pushed her over for no reason. When i pointed to it she told me "he's just aggressive." She says she will keep an eye on the boys more, but I don't think she thinks it's a big deal. I asked her if she thought that maybe because he's living there he thinks everything is his and she got defensive right away and said "no, he's always been agressive." My biggest fear is he is going to push my son or one of the other kids down the stairs one day. Instead of blaming on this child, she acts like they are all pushing and hitting each other, but it's really that the kids have gotten upset with the boy bullying them that they have begun to push and hit him back...but then she blames both parties and not just the little boy.

I tried talking to his mother today this afternoon and she just didn't think it was a big deal telling me that "both of them leave marks on each other" even though no one has ever brought to my attention that my son has left a mark on her son (other than 1 bite mark I was shown over 6 months ago)

I'm not sure what I should do. He only has 1 more year before preschool and he loves it at this place, he's comfortable and I don't want to traumatize him by taking him out and putting him somewhere else just yet.

Is what she's doing even legal? can you have a child of the daycare (that is not yours or in any way related) living at your house?

can you anonymously report a day care, so the company that regulates her will do a pop up visit and check it out?

any advice would be great!
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Old 08-23-2011, 04:31 PM
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Welcome to the forum! The other members should have some advice.

Last edited by Michael; 08-23-2011 at 04:34 PM.
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:02 PM
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Is what she's doing even legal? can you have a child of the daycare (that is not yours or in any way related) living at your house?

can you anonymously report a day care, so the company that regulates her will do a pop up visit and check it out?

any advice would be great!
Every state is different. What state are you in?

Last edited by Michael; 08-26-2011 at 12:36 AM.
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:12 PM
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I do have a few things off the top of my head, but I don't have time right now...

I will be back bright and early, though...
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:13 PM
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Every state is different. What state are you in?
I'm in Massachusetts. I've been looking everywhere and cannot find anything stating laws on stuff like that in MA.
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:14 PM
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I do have a few things off the top of my head, but I don't have time right now...

I will be back bright and early, though...
Thank you! Please do...I just need someone elses advice.
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:18 PM
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I am confused about your post....first you detail scratches and incidents and the fact that you are really alarmed about the care he is receiving and then later you say that he loves it there and is comfortable. Which is it? Are you worried enough to switch daycares or not? The inspections vary by state and if she is even licensed or not. The bottom line is that you have already talked to the other mother and the provider and no one cares about this as much as you do. I think you can safely assume that nothing is going to change and in fact, things might get worse. I would be alarmed if one child shoved a baby in front of me and the provider did nothing. If thats what she does when you are there, what is going on when you aren't, you know? I really think you need to go with your gut and move onto another daycare. This time, keep it professional. Friendships make these situations even more complicated. A year is a long time in your son's life and the possibility of him being bullied on a daily basis in not okay. Yes things like bites/pushing/etc do happen at daycare but the fact that the provider is not taking your concerns seriously would be enough for me to move on. Saying a child is aggressive with an "oh well" attitude pretty much proves that she doesn't have a problem with the situation and isn't planning to do anything about it. I would imagine that either the provider and the other mom are super close or the other mom is paying quite a bit to have the child in daycare so much and for those reasons, the provider is siding with this other child because she doesn't want to lose him.
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:33 PM
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I am confused about your post....first you detail scratches and incidents and the fact that you are really alarmed about the care he is receiving and then later you say that he loves it there and is comfortable. Which is it? Are you worried enough to switch daycares or not? The inspections vary by state and if she is even licensed or not. The bottom line is that you have already talked to the other mother and the provider and no one cares about this as much as you do. I think you can safely assume that nothing is going to change and in fact, things might get worse. I would be alarmed if one child shoved a baby in front of me and the provider did nothing. If thats what she does when you are there, what is going on when you aren't, you know? I really think you need to go with your gut and move onto another daycare. This time, keep it professional. Friendships make these situations even more complicated. A year is a long time in your son's life and the possibility of him being bullied on a daily basis in not okay. Yes things like bites/pushing/etc do happen at daycare but the fact that the provider is not taking your concerns seriously would be enough for me to move on. Saying a child is aggressive with an "oh well" attitude pretty much proves that she doesn't have a problem with the situation and isn't planning to do anything about it. I would imagine that either the provider and the other mom are super close or the other mom is paying quite a bit to have the child in daycare so much and for those reasons, the provider is siding with this other child because she doesn't want to lose him.
Although he's being bullied by this kid, he still loves it there. He loves the daycare provider and just being around the kids. He even still is "friends" with the little boy that bullies him. He does it at the drop of a hat, where they'll be playing nicely and then he'll just push my son (or the other kids) because they picked up a ball, or even sometimes for no reason at all. I know the child has issues (like the fact his father isn't in his life, and his mother has left him with the daycare provider and doesn't ever spend time with him...and i honestly don't think that anyone in his whole life has told him they love him). His mother is not paying the daycare provider AT ALL. She spends her own money on his food and clothes and everything...and is now uping the daycare cost for new kids (although she hasn't gotten any in over a year) because she now has more expenses taking care of this kid that is not hers.
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Old 08-23-2011, 06:11 PM
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I'm in Massachusetts. I've been looking everywhere and cannot find anything stating laws on stuff like that in MA.
I am in CA so can not help much

Last edited by Michael; 08-26-2011 at 12:36 AM.
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Old 08-23-2011, 06:28 PM
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I really doubt that there is any law against her taking over the responsibility of this child.

You have to make a decision based on your child's best interest, not your friendships. Do you want your child to turn into a bully? If he's being bullied everyday, that's a possibility.

IMHO, it's time for you to move on.
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Old 08-23-2011, 06:38 PM
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another question for everyone...if I do take him out, do I tell the other parents left behind what is happening? They don't know because their children havn't had marks like mine, and she doesn't tell them. Being closer to her I see more than the other parents who are just in and out. She also has her husbands father from guatamala now living there...and because her assistant went home to the dominican republic for the summer she basically has her 19 year old step-son (who is mentally the age of a 12 year old...not exaggerating, he does have a problem) as her assistant for the summer. I've made sure to let her know I don't want him changing my sons diapers, but I can't be sure it's not going on when no one is there. The other parents don't know about the husbands father because she "hides" him upstairs and they don't know the extent that the step-son is helping in the daycare.

actually typing all this out and reading it...makes me realize how crazy this situation is. I think I know what I need to do...
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Old 08-23-2011, 07:11 PM
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actually typing all this out and reading it...makes me realize how crazy this situation is. I think I know what I need to do...
It's amazing how that works, isn't it? A long time ago, it was suggested to me when I had to make a tough decision, to write out both sides of the argument truly and honestly. That is kind of what has been done here.

I wish you the best of luck as you move on. You will feel so much better for it in the long run.
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Old 08-24-2011, 05:33 AM
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My son is 2 years 3 months. He has been at the same home daycare provider since he was 3 months old. lives right around the corner. I had become friendly with her because she was so great with the kids and a really nice person, and I also became close with one of the other mothers (who I used to work with and hers son is the same age as my son).

This tells me that she is probably a "YES" kind of provider who is emotionally bound to her clients (tenderhearted). Although that makes for a great friend, as a Childcare Provider it can go badly quickly. We are women, too..

A "YES" provider will say yes when they don't want to and tend to keep a running tally of everything extra (outside of the normal hours/contract) they do for each parent. A lot of times it is extra stuff they chose to do themselves, without being asked, that go unnoticed.

The parent just see's it as "included in service" because the provider seemed to not mind at all. It builds and builds until one negative/critical comment brings up years worth of resentment from all the unwanted "Yes's".

I have a feeling that is the land mine you stepped on, hun.


provider has now assumed the responsibility of being his mother. The boy has not left her home in months. He sleeps there, she buys him clothes, food, etc.

This is classic "I can save this child"... I admit I have been guilty of it.

It feels like you will have failed your mission in life if you can't... It can take getting bitten (so to speak) by this a couple times to realize you are not saving anyone, you are being taken advantage of.

The other Mother will most likely also step on the same "landmine" as you since this provider will be building up resentment at a much faster pace with all that extra.

3 separate occasions within the last 8 months that my son has come home with scratches on his face. Among other bumps and bruises, but I am mostly concerned with those on his face. It happened again yesterday and I'm sure the day care provider lied to me and told me that he was rubbing his eye and that's how he got scratches under his eye.

If you no longer trust her and feel your son is in danger please don't take him back. That kind of tension is not good for anyone.


...but the provider is sucked so far into thinking this is her child that she won't see anyone else's side. As we were talking this morning, the little boy walked over to the 1 year old girl that was sitting on the floor playing with a doll and just pushed her over for no reason. When i pointed to it she told me "he's just aggressive." She says she will keep an eye on the boys more, but I don't think she thinks it's a big deal. I asked her if she thought that maybe because he's living there he thinks everything is his and she got defensive right away and said "no, he's always been aggressive."

I feel pretty strongly she is dreading your pulling up in the driveway and is just trying to say anything that will please you to get you out the door. It is a stress response from the tension and living on eggshells.

She is hurt, you are hurt and the other mother is most likely hurt (from when you confronted her). Hurt translates to anger under stress...add a little PMS and you have lifetime movie of the month.

Again this is coming from a place of resentment and hurt. I am willing to bet this whole issue is MUCH more about the adults than the kids.


I tried talking to his mother today this afternoon and she just didn't think it was a big deal telling me that "both of them leave marks on each other" even though no one has ever brought to my attention that my son has left a mark on her son (other than 1 bite mark I was shown over 6 months ago)

This is why it is illegal for us to tell you which kid did what. (at least in my State) Here, if you had confronted another parent you would have been terminated immediately. This is COMMON procedure...and a HUGE no-no. I am sure you did not know that, but I thought you should know it for the future.

I'm not sure what I should do. He only has 1 more year before preschool and he loves it at this place, he's comfortable and I don't want to traumatize him by taking him out and putting him somewhere else just yet.

This is why I feel this whole thing is an adult issue, not a child issue.

I have two 2.5 years old boys. I also have two 12 year old son's and what you are describing is pretty much sibling behaviors in boys. When they spend 50 hours a week of mostly waking time, they become very much sibling-like.

Yes, you can teach them not to act that way by enforcing a no violence zone (that is my policy) but it is a learned behavior that requires constant supervision, enforcement and redirection.

Is what she's doing even legal? can you have a child of the daycare (that is not yours or in any way related) living at your house?

Yes, I have done it a few times myself for premature infants and post-op kids whose parents need more help than their families could give. We still have our civil rights. I know it is frustrating, but her personal choices are really none of you business. I don't say that to be ugly.. The problem came in by her TELLING you all her personal business. Bad business decision, IMHO.

can you anonymously report a day care, so the company that regulates her will do a pop up visit and check it out?

Yes, but you can also be hit with a libel or slander suit so be sure it is worth it. Going after someones livelihood tends to bring out the ugly in them, IYKWIM? I don't know ANY provider who did not know who called them in. It is a pretty tight knit community and the other providers in your area will know before your feet hit the pavement looking for care. Tread lightly.

any advice would be great!

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His mother is not paying the daycare provider AT ALL. She spends her own money on his food and clothes and everything...and is now uping the daycare cost for new kids (although she hasn't gotten any in over a year) because she now has more expenses taking care of this kid that is not hers.
This has NOTHING to do with you or your son. You should never have been given this information. By mentioning it I have to ask... Is this why you resent this other child so much suddenly after 2 years? It is sounding that way.

You can't compare the "special" she does for one family against what she does for you. That is not fair. It seems that is where your resentment stems from.

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another question for everyone...if I do take him out, do I tell the other parents left behind what is happening?

That is slander and I, myself, would take you to court. Again, messing with someones livelihood tends to bring out the worst in them. Unless you sincerely suspect ABUSE is going on, I'd recommend keeping to your own personal business. Tread lightly.

She also has her husbands father from Guatemala now living there...and because her assistant went home to the Dominican republic for the summer she basically has her 19 year old step-son (who is mentally the age of a 12 year old...not exaggerating, he does have a problem) as her assistant for the summer.

Again, this is none of you business. If she is operating within her States rules and regs...then it really does not concern you. I know it is hard to keep personal and business separate, that is why she should NOT have treated you like a friend to begin with.

I've made sure to let her know I don't want him changing my sons diapers, but I can't be sure it's not going on when no one is there.

This is a LOADED statement and I would have terminated your care on the spot for it. I want you to understand how this would have felt. If I said to you.. "Now, I don't want your nasty pervert son/husband/brother/father/uncle anywhere around my child." how would you react?

That was hurtful. If you don't trust her to care for your child after two years of wonderful service (your words), then don't leave him there PERIOD.

IMHO, your 3+ year old should not be in diapers...but to say that to her was just bullying. You are already unhappy (for 8 months according to you)...so instead of continuing this passive aggressive battle of wills, PLEASE just take your son somewhere else. You are not doing yourself or your son any good like this.


actually typing all this out and reading it...makes me realize how crazy this situation is. I think I know what I need to do...
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE move your son to another daycare. This relationship has gone sour and cannot be repaired.

Both your provider AND you have behaved badly, here. I hope you can see it. I am not telling you that to be ugly.. I want you to see it so you can prevent in from happening again, OK??

It will be a HUGE weight off both yours, your providers AND your son's shoulder for this to be in the past as soon as possible.
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Last edited by Michael; 08-26-2011 at 12:37 AM.
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:09 AM
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hello all! I'm new to the forum, but I'm at a dead end of what I should do and just need advice or was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. My son is 2 years 3 months. He has been at the same home daycare provider since he was 3 months old. She is the wife of a guy I work with (not closely, but at the same company), and lives right around the corner. At first she was awsome! She would have certain time set aside to learn with the kids and always feed them really good and organic foods. She was really loving and caring and my son never wanted to leave when I went to pick him up because he loved it, and I loved that. I raved to everyone about how great she was. Now things have taken a drastic turn.

I had become friendly with her because she was so great with the kids and a really nice person, and I also became close with one of the other mothers (who I used to work with and hers son is the same age as my son). The mother that I became close with was laid off about 8 months ago and ever since she has not taken her son out of the day care and the day care provider has now assumed the resposbility of being his mother. The boy has not left her home in months. He sleeps there, she buys him clothes, food, etc. All while his mother goes out on dates, goes to the gym, and does her own thing. Because the child is living there, he is now bullying all the kids because he thinks all the toys and things in the day care/house belong to him. It has been 3 seperate occasions within the last 8 months that my son has come home with scrathes on his face. Among other bumps and bruises, but I am mostly concerned with those on his face. It happened again yesterday and I'm sure the day care provider lied to me and told me that he was rubbing his eye and that's how he got scratches under his eye. My son (who is very advanced in speaking and thinking skills for his age) told me that the little boy grabbed his faced (he showed me what he did), and scratched his eye. But the day care provider is now telling me that there was no way he could have done it because he was in the kitchen with her. I know that he did not get scratches from rubbing his eye...but the provider is sucked so far into thinking this is her child that she won't see anyone elses side. As we were talking this morning, the little boy walked over to the 1 year old girl that was sitting on the floor playing with a doll and just pushed her over for no reason. When i pointed to it she told me "he's just aggressive." She says she will keep an eye on the boys more, but I don't think she thinks it's a big deal. I asked her if she thought that maybe because he's living there he thinks everything is his and she got defensive right away and said "no, he's always been agressive." My biggest fear is he is going to push my son or one of the other kids down the stairs one day. Instead of blaming on this child, she acts like they are all pushing and hitting each other, but it's really that the kids have gotten upset with the boy bullying them that they have begun to push and hit him back...but then she blames both parties and not just the little boy.

I tried talking to his mother today this afternoon and she just didn't think it was a big deal telling me that "both of them leave marks on each other" even though no one has ever brought to my attention that my son has left a mark on her son (other than 1 bite mark I was shown over 6 months ago)

I'm not sure what I should do. He only has 1 more year before preschool and he loves it at this place, he's comfortable and I don't want to traumatize him by taking him out and putting him somewhere else just yet.

Is what she's doing even legal? can you have a child of the daycare (that is not yours or in any way related) living at your house?

can you anonymously report a day care, so the company that regulates her will do a pop up visit and check it out?

any advice would be great!
I recommend you find another daycare and leave the situation as it is. If you get involved, you really might do more harm to your family than good - the others have a point that the provider could sue you for slander or terminate you on the spot or provide you with bad references to other providers. Remember that you have a slander suit against her if you can prove she's bad mouthing you to other providers - so the slander works both ways. She can't legally black list you. Her being a business, she should tread lightly because while what she's doing may not be illegal, it's not good business practice overall and definately not ethical. Just feel good that you became close friends with her to have the insider's knowledge - those poor other parents have not idea the drama going on.

To have a secret person living there without notifying the daycare parents is probably against licensing, and that is worthy of notifying licensing over - I can't imagine why she is hiding the person's presence from the other daycare parents unless there is something not right there. It's my understanding that anyone that is present during daycare hours in the home that is an adult needs to have a back ground check. (For example, you can't open a daycare if your husband is a registered sex offender.) And as for the other person caring for your chilld, if there is a mental problem, then that person shouldn't be caring for children and the children's safety is in question - again probably worthy notifying licensing over. Call licensing confidentially from a pay phone, not your cell or home phone, our state licensing agency has caller ID, don't give your name and file a report after you have established care elsewhere. When she asks why you're leaving, tell her the truth, that you don't feel your son is safe there due to the bullying situation and you want to get away from all the drama that's going on. Then stop talking to her and end the friendship by just not communicating anymore - if she calls, your kid is suddenly crying, etc - it's VERY easy to cut off ties in a quick fashion and she'll get the hint.

Overall, because of the way your provider is acting, it's better for your entire family to move your son to another daycare. I personally recommend a center because of home daycare situations like this that happen. Did you see how the home providers reacted here in this forum? You were told that if you'd discussed the situation with other parents, that you'd be terminated. Pretty much anything that was reasonable for you to do as a parent, a home provider would terminate you over. It's highly doubtful that you'd have that fear at a center. You have the right as a prent to discuss any concerns you have with whomever you choose without the fear of retaliation. Any discussions held outside of daycare are non of their business and is considered hearsay. They would have to prove through recordings or from emails (etc) that you actually spoke with other parents outside of daycare.

I recommend choosing a center that has 2 teacher classrooms and a good licensing record - some states have started posting the licensing visits online for parents for public record. This is helpful in choosing good centers. And definately get to know your providers really well. It's your responsibility as a parent to find out who the teachers really are - would you want someone who had many drunk driving convictions caring for your child? Wouldn't that red flag you that that person had an alcohol addiction problem and probably not suitable to be caring for children? I've never allowed my child to be cared for any teacher without first knowing their full name, birth date and where they live. Then I check their facebook pages, their legal history (if your state has an online system), Google, etc. That's responsible parenting.

Last edited by Michael; 08-26-2011 at 12:37 AM.
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Old 08-24-2011, 08:45 AM
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I had a similar situation (institutional childcare though) in which the ratio was 1 provider to 12 toddlers. My poor son had been there less than a month and was coming home with deep scratches on his face and neck...he ended up with scarring on his neck that took over a year to go away. Ofcourse the provider never saw anything! A week later I pulled my son out of there and never wanted to even look at it again. This is your baby, he is being assaulted on a daily basis? It is like you having to go to work where you are terrorized everyday. How long could you continue like that? It sounds like the said provider is close with the perpetrator and the mother, I would just look for care elsewhere for the safety of your child and call it a day.
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Old 08-24-2011, 09:04 AM
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Did you see how the home providers reacted here in this forum? You were told that if you'd discussed the situation with other parents, that you'd be terminated.
That actually goes for large centers, too.

My job was overseeing several large centers in the region on a Risk Management / Training Coordinating (big words for watching for and retraining teachers acting badly) level before I opened my own.

Talking to other clients of the center about the behavior of their child is a terminable offense.

The teachers can be fired for telling you which child hurt who. It is about protecting that family's/child's privacy. It is a BIG DEAL. Check out your own State regs about it. It should be on your BOE website, too.

The correct route would be to go to the Director. If no help then to the State Resource and Referral Agency. All of that is publicly available information.

I agree that providers blackballing parents is against business ethics, but that does not mean this parent should not be aware it exists. I just want her to know the risks. I am a Mother, too, you know.

The bottom line was this is a bad situation for everyone involved. It needs to end fast.

This is straight from Mass. website:

POLICY STATEMENT: Confidentiality of Family Information(

102 CMR 3.10(4)(b)1 Information contained in a resident's record is privileged and confidential.
102 CMR 5.13(1)(e) Information contained in children's, birth parent's, foster and adoptive parent's records shall be privileged and confidential.
606 CMR 7.04(12) Information pertaining to children and their families is privileged and confidential. No licensee or educator may distribute or release information about a child or his/her family to any unauthorized person, or discuss with any unauthorized person information about a child or his/her family without the written consent of the child’s parent.
All EEC child care and placement licensing regulations contain provisions that protect the information contained in children’s records from unauthorized use and from disclosure to anyone not directly involved in implementing the child’s program without written consent of the child’s parents. The intent of these regulations is to protect the privacy of children and families.

Therefore, early education and care and child placement programs and their staff may not distribute, share or discuss information (including photographs or other images) about children and families in their care by any means, whether written or verbal, using any medium, including but not limited to telephone, e-mail or electronic text, without the expressed written permission of the child’s parents or pursuant to a court order. Images of children, whether or not they are identified by name, as well as personal information related to children and their families, may not be posted on the publicly accessible portions of "Face Book", "My Space", or any other similar online directory, social utility or networking website under any circumstances. However, images of children and personal information related to children and families may be shared on the restricted, private portions of such websites only with the express written permission of the child’s parents


Early education and care and child placement program staff may not discuss children and families in their care with anyone not directly involved in implementing the child’s program, including but not limited to other parents in the program, and may not distribute copies of information in a child’s record without the expressed written permission of the parents or pursuant to a court order.
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  #17  
Old 08-25-2011, 02:04 PM
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I haven't been able to get on this site for a few days, but I'm a littler hurt of how some of the providers responded. As a parent I know I have the right to tell someone who can and can't change my childs diapers. I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to tell the provider that someone other than her and her assistance should not be changing my sons diapers. My child is 2 by the way and not 3+...so I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to be in diapers still. I brought up the other mother not paying because someone asked me if she is paying extra...and all of the information I've told you about I didn't go digging to find...the provider herself has told me all of it. Your talking about messing with someones livily hood, but I dont have to do that. She is messing with her own livily hood by keeping a child there that is harming all the other kids only because she thinks she can save him (which will eventually come back to bit her when his mother finally wakes up). By the way, as i mentioned I am very close with the other mother (we go out together alot and bring the kids to do stuff together...so how could I be terminated for talking to a friend?)

We decided to find a new place for my son, however I also think I should find a new place for support. Appearently the daycare community is very close knitt if this is how you treat others who are just coming looking for advice.

Thanks for all the people who were understanding and helped!
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  #18  
Old 08-25-2011, 02:30 PM
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sharlan sharlan is offline
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I am glad that you are looking for another daycare situation for your son. I'm sorry that you didn't find the reassurance here that you wanted.

You came here asking for advice. You got honest, factual answers from the providers here. When you ask for advice from strangers, you get THEIR opinion. You did not ask for someone to hold your hand and pat you on the back.

You post concerns that you have for your son's safety, but say you don't want to traumatize him by switching providers. Being bullied by another child everyday can be traumatizing.

IMHO, you seemed more concerned about YOUR friendships with the provider and other moms than you did about your son's safety.
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  #19  
Old 08-25-2011, 05:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilbit View Post
I haven't been able to get on this site for a few days, but I'm a littler hurt of how some of the providers responded. As a parent I know I have the right to tell someone who can and can't change my childs diapers. I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to tell the provider that someone other than her and her assistance should not be changing my sons diapers. My child is 2 by the way and not 3+...so I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to be in diapers still. I brought up the other mother not paying because someone asked me if she is paying extra...and all of the information I've told you about I didn't go digging to find...the provider herself has told me all of it. Your talking about messing with someones livily hood, but I dont have to do that. She is messing with her own livily hood by keeping a child there that is harming all the other kids only because she thinks she can save him (which will eventually come back to bit her when his mother finally wakes up). By the way, as i mentioned I am very close with the other mother (we go out together alot and bring the kids to do stuff together...so how could I be terminated for talking to a friend?)

We decided to find a new place for my son, however I also think I should find a new place for support. Appearently the daycare community is very close knitt if this is how you treat others who are just coming looking for advice.

Thanks for all the people who were understanding and helped!
When I first read your post and felt it was pretty straight forward. I also wondered how it would be taken in a forum that is mostly dominated by providers. My first thought was; will she be offended by the opinions offered. While the comments here were straight foward and helpful I figured that another parent would not find the support they were looking for amongst other parents.

You did post in the "Parents and Guardians Forum" and most that answered you were provider members. I still can't figure out how to either cross the Provider vs Parents divide or separate the two completely.

Any suggestions or ideas would be helpful.
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  #20  
Old 08-25-2011, 07:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael View Post
When I first read your post and felt it was pretty straight forward. I also wondered how it would be taken in a forum that is mostly dominated by providers. My first thought was; will she be offended by the opinions offered. While the comments here were straight foward and helpful I figured that another parent would not find the support they were looking for amongst other parents.

You did post in the "Parents and Guardians Forum" and most that answered you were provider members. I still can't figure out how to either cross the Provider vs Parents divide or separate the two completely.

Any suggestions or ideas would be helpful.
I thought posting in the Parents and Guardians forum I would get responses from other parents who had been in similar situations or could just give me advice. If I knew this was going to happen and be called a bad mom and threatened with slander law suits and termination by providers I would have never joined this site. What is this site for? It looks like for providers to gang up on parents who are just looking for advice in the situation they are in. I never talked bad or slandered my provider...I was simply stating the situation and asking for advice from other parents. I wish there was a way to delete my account and thread as I will never post anything on here again. Thank you to the mothers that posted.

Last edited by Michael; 08-26-2011 at 12:38 AM.
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  #21  
Old 08-26-2011, 12:34 AM
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There is nothing from what I read in this thread that could make you libel since you are not using the provider's name and location. Actually what the providers are giving you is sound advice if you do file a complaint.

I will delete your account as requested. Sorry you did not find the support you were looking for.

Last edited by Michael; 08-26-2011 at 10:17 AM.
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  #22  
Old 08-26-2011, 09:35 AM
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youretooloud youretooloud is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by new unregistered View Post
We decided to find a new place for my son, however I also think I should find a new place for support. Appearently the daycare community is very close knitt if this is how you treat others who are just coming looking for advice.

Thanks for all the people who were understanding and helped!
First.. there are some really good parenting sites where you will find mostly parents, not providers online. The occasional provider will chime in. Check out Mothering.com's forums. They have all sorts of boards, and a working parents board. You could ask this same question and get totally different opinions from different forums. But, be open minded.

Second, no matter where you put him, he'll run into a bully. I feel bad for the other kid who's mom clearly doesn't want him. If you turn in the provider, most likely it's the parent who will be charged. So, if you like this mom, I wouldn't make any reports.
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  #23  
Old 08-26-2011, 10:13 AM
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cheerfuldom cheerfuldom is offline
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OP if you ever come back to see this thread, I think you are doing the right thing in moving your son. If I was a parent and I really felt that the children were in danger then yes I would tell other parents. However, in this case, all the things you mentioned are things that you are uncomfortable with (like the family members at the house and assisting with the daycare, etc) and those are things that other parents may not care about. Let them decide for themselves if they are comfortable with the kids being there. I'm sorry you didn't feel very supported here but you also have to keep in mind that when you post online, you are opening your situation up to opinions and you cannot control what others say. Just take what you can from the posts and disregard the rest. Just because someone posted something does not make them right (or wrong) and also, we don't know you and every single detail about the situation so you have to decide on your own what to do. Don't be too sensitive about what strangers are saying. That type of thing is going to happen in every forum no matter the topic.
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  #24  
Old 08-28-2011, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by new unregistered View Post
I haven't been able to get on this site for a few days, but I'm a littler hurt of how some of the providers responded. As a parent I know I have the right to tell someone who can and can't change my childs diapers. I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to tell the provider that someone other than her and her assistance should not be changing my sons diapers. My child is 2 by the way and not 3+...so I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to be in diapers still. I brought up the other mother not paying because someone asked me if she is paying extra...and all of the information I've told you about I didn't go digging to find...the provider herself has told me all of it. Your talking about messing with someones livily hood, but I dont have to do that. She is messing with her own livily hood by keeping a child there that is harming all the other kids only because she thinks she can save him (which will eventually come back to bit her when his mother finally wakes up). By the way, as i mentioned I am very close with the other mother (we go out together alot and bring the kids to do stuff together...so how could I be terminated for talking to a friend?)

We decided to find a new place for my son, however I also think I should find a new place for support. Appearently the daycare community is very close knitt if this is how you treat others who are just coming looking for advice.

Thanks for all the people who were understanding and helped!
To the OP: I'm the unregistered that posted the actual nice, helpful answer and I'm actually a mom posting in the parents forum as it should be. I won't apologize for the way providers behave and react in this forum. If you read their threads, they attack any and all unregistered and parents posting here. Yet if you read theirs, they actually support each other in finding ways to cover up their own children bullying and physically attacking their daycare kids. It's unbelievable - it's not a support forum, it's more of a cult, because the same issues you'd attack a parent over, you are 100% supportive of a provider covering up, even if it's not right or they could get written up by the state for it. I'm glad you deleted your account - don't doubt that at least one member of this daycare forum figured out who you were and reported and copied everything to your previous provider. They've already said they blacklist people. I can't actually believe that Michael says the providers were straight forward and helpful - read the threads, very few nice, respectful posts, mostly rude and mean.
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  #25  
Old 08-30-2011, 06:55 PM
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sahm1225 sahm1225 is online now
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I am joining in a little bit late, but figured I would throw in my .02 cents anyway. I had my son in daycare before becoming a daycare provider, so I will answer to you as a parent first and then a daycare provider:

parent - This does not seem like a safe environment for your child. It would really bug me that when you brought up the fact that the other child was being a bit aggressive that it was blown off. That would be red flag number one. Even if it's just one year before preschool, that just seems like too long of a time for him to be in a situation that you don't feel safe with. Your little boy probably still loves the daycare, but that is because that is all he is used to. Changing daycares I think is more traumatic for the parents than the child (but that doesn't mean I agree with changing every few months either!). I would schedule a meeting with the provider and go over your concerns BUT I would also be looking for new daycare. The one thing that bugs me is that your friend has pretty much abandoned her child at the daycare.

as a provider - I would be upset if a parent felt the need to report me and didn't talk to me first. This provider is telling you WAY too much of her personal information, but I'm sure she is not only going to be hurt but also pissed off that you are telling everyone her busines..

I wish you the best of luck - as a parent and provider, I think the best thing to do is remove your child. It's not a safe environment for him at this point nad he will adjust at a new location just fine.


Quote:
Originally Posted by new unregistered View Post
hello all! I'm new to the forum, but I'm at a dead end of what I should do and just need advice or was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. My son is 2 years 3 months. He has been at the same home daycare provider since he was 3 months old. She is the wife of a guy I work with (not closely, but at the same company), and lives right around the corner. At first she was awsome! She would have certain time set aside to learn with the kids and always feed them really good and organic foods. She was really loving and caring and my son never wanted to leave when I went to pick him up because he loved it, and I loved that. I raved to everyone about how great she was. Now things have taken a drastic turn.

I had become friendly with her because she was so great with the kids and a really nice person, and I also became close with one of the other mothers (who I used to work with and hers son is the same age as my son). The mother that I became close with was laid off about 8 months ago and ever since she has not taken her son out of the day care and the day care provider has now assumed the resposbility of being his mother. The boy has not left her home in months. He sleeps there, she buys him clothes, food, etc. All while his mother goes out on dates, goes to the gym, and does her own thing. Because the child is living there, he is now bullying all the kids because he thinks all the toys and things in the day care/house belong to him. It has been 3 seperate occasions within the last 8 months that my son has come home with scrathes on his face. Among other bumps and bruises, but I am mostly concerned with those on his face. It happened again yesterday and I'm sure the day care provider lied to me and told me that he was rubbing his eye and that's how he got scratches under his eye. My son (who is very advanced in speaking and thinking skills for his age) told me that the little boy grabbed his faced (he showed me what he did), and scratched his eye. But the day care provider is now telling me that there was no way he could have done it because he was in the kitchen with her. I know that he did not get scratches from rubbing his eye...but the provider is sucked so far into thinking this is her child that she won't see anyone elses side. As we were talking this morning, the little boy walked over to the 1 year old girl that was sitting on the floor playing with a doll and just pushed her over for no reason. When i pointed to it she told me "he's just aggressive." She says she will keep an eye on the boys more, but I don't think she thinks it's a big deal. I asked her if she thought that maybe because he's living there he thinks everything is his and she got defensive right away and said "no, he's always been agressive." My biggest fear is he is going to push my son or one of the other kids down the stairs one day. Instead of blaming on this child, she acts like they are all pushing and hitting each other, but it's really that the kids have gotten upset with the boy bullying them that they have begun to push and hit him back...but then she blames both parties and not just the little boy.

I tried talking to his mother today this afternoon and she just didn't think it was a big deal telling me that "both of them leave marks on each other" even though no one has ever brought to my attention that my son has left a mark on her son (other than 1 bite mark I was shown over 6 months ago)

I'm not sure what I should do. He only has 1 more year before preschool and he loves it at this place, he's comfortable and I don't want to traumatize him by taking him out and putting him somewhere else just yet.

Is what she's doing even legal? can you have a child of the daycare (that is not yours or in any way related) living at your house?

can you anonymously report a day care, so the company that regulates her will do a pop up visit and check it out?

any advice would be great!
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