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  #1  
Old 06-19-2012, 11:34 AM
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EntropyControlSpecialist EntropyControlSpecialist is offline
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Default Nearly 4-year-old

I have a child who is about to turn 4. This child has been coming here for a short period of time. DCK hits (either flat handed or with a fist) and pushes other children quite aggressively. Sometimes, DCK does this because someone has a toy that DCK wants. Other times, DCK does it for no obvious reason. This happens about 20 times per day.
Only 1 other child in our group hits, and that child just turned 2. It's age appropriate and infrequent.

We have attempted various methods to curb this behavior, but nothing has been successful.

Is there any advice you can give? Please?
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  #2  
Old 06-19-2012, 11:41 AM
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He needs to be your shadow for a few days until he learns to appropriately handle his frustrations and use his words. I am betting he hits because it is easiest and probably nets him the results he is looking for. I would not allow him to be away from my side until he got a better handle on his impulse control. After a day of shadowing, I would attempt small increments of playtime wihtout you to see if he is making better choices and not hitting. If he is still hitting, then back to being your shadow again.

Rinse and repeat.

What do his parents say about his behavior? I would not allow this to continue without some sort of progress as one child should never be allowed to put the other children at risk...kwim? So unless you see some good support from parents and positive results from child, I would put that star on the calendar and be ready to term if there is no improvement after a specified amount of days.

He isnt develpmentally delayed in anyway is he? Is he a normal 4 year old just add the hitting rather than being able to voice his frustrations? Just wanna make sure he is on par with his speech and other areas of development.
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Old 06-19-2012, 11:45 AM
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I second what Cat says, and would like to add, that this sort of behavior seems to be "catching".

Honestly, since I termed my fearsome foursome, and enrolled new kids, everyone here is doing fantastic, EXCEPT the one kid left from the old group! He used to be a dream, but after a year of being with the fab four, he has a lot to unlearn! He is 2, so that doesn't help, but we have some work cut out for us...sigh...

I see the new kids comming here already are shunning him a bit because THEY don't like his behavior. I have talked to them about how the kids that used to come here were mean to him, and now we all have to be good friends and help him learn to be kind. I hope it works, because I love this little man and I love his family!
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Old 06-19-2012, 11:59 AM
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Lilbutterflie Lilbutterflie is offline
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This child needs a good lesson on personal space and keeping hands to self. Do you have a small hoola hoop? I would do a couple days of making dck stay in their own space by giving dck a small hoola hoop to carry around. Dck will have to carry it around, and when he/she stops to play; they must set it down and play inside the hoola hoop. No one else is allowed inside, but he/she is not allowed outside either. It gives him/her a physical barrier to learn about personal space and keeping hands to self. During this time, make sure you are giving him/her the words needed to express any frustrations that come up like sharing, needing help, etc... After a day or two with this, go back to normal and see how it goes. Rinse and repeat!
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Old 06-19-2012, 02:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilbutterflie View Post
This child needs a good lesson on personal space and keeping hands to self. Do you have a small hoola hoop? I would do a couple days of making dck stay in their own space by giving dck a small hoola hoop to carry around. Dck will have to carry it around, and when he/she stops to play; they must set it down and play inside the hoola hoop. No one else is allowed inside, but he/she is not allowed outside either. It gives him/her a physical barrier to learn about personal space and keeping hands to self. During this time, make sure you are giving him/her the words needed to express any frustrations that come up like sharing, needing help, etc... After a day or two with this, go back to normal and see how it goes. Rinse and repeat!
Cool Idea!
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  #6  
Old 06-19-2012, 02:36 PM
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I don't have any advice as my kids are all young toddlers. I just wanted to tell OP that I love your username!
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  #7  
Old 06-19-2012, 03:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
He needs to be your shadow for a few days until he learns to appropriately handle his frustrations and use his words. I am betting he hits because it is easiest and probably nets him the results he is looking for. I would not allow him to be away from my side until he got a better handle on his impulse control. After a day of shadowing, I would attempt small increments of playtime wihtout you to see if he is making better choices and not hitting. If he is still hitting, then back to being your shadow again.

Rinse and repeat.

What do his parents say about his behavior? I would not allow this to continue without some sort of progress as one child should never be allowed to put the other children at risk...kwim? So unless you see some good support from parents and positive results from child, I would put that star on the calendar and be ready to term if there is no improvement after a specified amount of days.

He isnt develpmentally delayed in anyway is he? Is he a normal 4 year old just add the hitting rather than being able to voice his frustrations? Just wanna make sure he is on par with his speech and other areas of development.
There was another issue today (unrelated to the child). When we called, Mom was very apologetic about everything that has been occurring and said, "I know my kids are bad. I'm so sorry." The child acts completely out of control when Mom is here. So much so that we have had to be the enforcers because the child will not listen to Mom.

My husband said that if this continues for the remainder of this week, we will be setting up a conference with his parents (which I completely agree with). This has to stop or we have to stop providing care.

The child is a bright, typical 4-year-old. The child knows how to use words. We frequently say, "Hands are for hugging, not hitting." We feed the child the words to say when we feel that hitting might be in the near future. However, sometimes there is hitting/pushing for no reason. How do you have a child use words when there simply is nothing to say??? "Hey, friend, I really want to be violent right now so let me hit you!"

We highly suspect that the child was termed because of the negative behavior in the past.
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Old 06-19-2012, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist View Post
There was another issue today (unrelated to the child). When we called, Mom was very apologetic about everything that has been occurring and said, "I know my kids are bad. I'm so sorry." The child acts completely out of control when Mom is here. So much so that we have had to be the enforcers because the child will not listen to Mom.

My husband said that if this continues for the remainder of this week, we will be setting up a conference with his parents (which I completely agree with). This has to stop or we have to stop providing care.

The child is a bright, typical 4-year-old. The child knows how to use words. We frequently say, "Hands are for hugging, not hitting." We feed the child the words to say when we feel that hitting might be in the near future. However, sometimes there is hitting/pushing for no reason. How do you have a child use words when there simply is nothing to say??? "Hey, friend, I really want to be violent right now so let me hit you!"

We highly suspect that the child was termed because of the negative behavior in the past.
Boy, oh boy! That sounds a lot like an excuse for not making enough effort. She needs to stop apologizing (although that was polite), and DO something.

You have nothing to loose by laying your cards on the table. Come up with a consistent plan together, and she needs to follow through and set up some expectations at home as well. You sound like a kind, gentle person. Mom is probably a kind, gentle person. But she needs to be a kind, gentle, yet firm person.

If you are using tons of positive reinforcement at home, and she or dad are yelling or spanking or reacting, then everything you do is undone at home. You call need to use the same discipline style (and your the professional!). Then you may see results, and she wont be having the same conversation with the Kindy teacher, the 2nd grade teacher, and the high school principle!
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  #9  
Old 06-19-2012, 03:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi View Post
Boy, oh boy! That sounds a lot like an excuse for not making enough effort. She needs to stop apologizing (although that was polite), and DO something.

You have nothing to loose by laying your cards on the table. Come up with a consistent plan together, and she needs to follow through and set up some expectations at home as well. You sound like a kind, gentle person. Mom is probably a kind, gentle person. But she needs to be a kind, gentle, yet firm person.

If you are using tons of positive reinforcement at home, and she or dad are yelling or spanking or reacting, then everything you do is undone at home. You call need to use the same discipline style (and your the professional!). Then you may see results, and she wont be having the same conversation with the Kindy teacher, the 2nd grade teacher, and the high school principle!
Isn't that funny how that works?
We had such a good day last week. Minimal pushing/hitting. It was a day where the child was my "special helper" and there was an abundance of positive reinforcement. We made sure to compliment every nice thing the child did.
The child comes back the next day and is out of control again.

We have been having DCK shadow, but not 100% of the time. Time to start it 100% of the time. Mom sees how we correct negative behavior here often, since the child likes to attempt to run into the street/hit/punch/kick Mom. Mom seems to be very firm, but the child does not listen to her.
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  #10  
Old 06-19-2012, 03:27 PM
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Lilbutterflie Lilbutterflie is offline
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Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist View Post
How do you have a child use words when there simply is nothing to say??? "Hey, friend, I really want to be violent right now so let me hit you!"
That's too funny! Maybe he needs an energy outlet like an indoor trampoline or something like a bean bag chair that he is allowed to punch? When he does hit out of the blue, teach him instead to use his energy on something else? "Hey friend, I really want to hit you but instead I am going to hit the bean bag chair!" LOL It sounds funny, but I really am being serious. My own DS has anger management issues and I have to do things like that with him on occasion.

I totally understand what you are going through though. I lost 3 dck's (siblings) once because one of them out of the blue became violent and nothing either his mom or I did changed anything. So we parted ways & his two sibs went with.

A conference is definitely in order. Tell DCM if it continues past such & such date, you will no longer be able to provide service.
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  #11  
Old 06-19-2012, 05:18 PM
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EntropyControlSpecialist EntropyControlSpecialist is offline
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Originally Posted by Lilbutterflie View Post
That's too funny! Maybe he needs an energy outlet like an indoor trampoline or something like a bean bag chair that he is allowed to punch? When he does hit out of the blue, teach him instead to use his energy on something else? "Hey friend, I really want to hit you but instead I am going to hit the bean bag chair!" LOL It sounds funny, but I really am being serious. My own DS has anger management issues and I have to do things like that with him on occasion.

I totally understand what you are going through though. I lost 3 dck's (siblings) once because one of them out of the blue became violent and nothing either his mom or I did changed anything. So we parted ways & his two sibs went with.

A conference is definitely in order. Tell DCM if it continues past such & such date, you will no longer be able to provide service.
Not your DS!!! I don't believe that for one minute, he is way too sweet.

You already know some of my other issues that are playing out with this family. We'll be watching for the next month and then deciding!
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  #12  
Old 06-19-2012, 06:06 PM
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Lilbutterflie Lilbutterflie is offline
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Not your DS!!! I don't believe that for one minute, he is way too sweet.
Well, he doesn't hit others or me; but he definitely YELLS at others very loudly & treats them really badly when he is angry. So I have to give him other ways to release the angry energy!
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