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Old 10-22-2013, 04:54 AM
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VirginiaMom VirginiaMom is offline
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Unhappy Question For In-Home Providers Regarding Hitting & Pushing

Background:
My daughter is 2.5 and has been attending the same home daycare since she was 3 months old. The owner and her two assistants love her, my husband and I love them, and our dd has thrived there and loves going to 'school'. She was the first infant at the daycare and I know was spoiled rotten (in a good way!) with lots of attention and love and care.

Now that she's 2.5, she obviously doesn't have the same needs as a 9 month old or even a 1 year old...she's bigger and can do more on her own, but I think she's really struggling with it.

A few new younger kids have started at the daycare over the past few months and my daughter has been hitting and pushing them. It has gotten worse over the last week. She only pushes/hits the younger ones and I really believe it's because they get the attention that she used to get. Please don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming the daycare because like I said, she doesn't require the same amount of hands-on as the little ones - but I don't know of any other explanation as to why she would only hit the younger (and new) kids. She plays great with her other friends and when we take her to play areas or playgrounds, she plays well with kids she doesn't know. She takes turns, doesn't push, doesn't get angry...it's only at daycare and only with the younger/new kids. She doesn't push or hit me or my husband and we have never hit her or spanked her. She was also nearly potty trained and when the newest little one year old started, she regressed and will barely use the potty now.

I'm also pregnant and baby 2 is coming at the end of the month. I don't know if my daughter senses that changes are coming at this age or if it is coincidence. She does not ever hit my belly or say anything mean about the baby coming. She talks about her baby sister coming soon but that's about it. Others have pointed out that the new baby could be the source of her frustration and aggression but I am not sure.

I don't take any of this lightly and have been worried sick since it started. I am working with daycare to have some consequences at home for her behavior and not being nice to her friends, but I'm not sure how effective it is/will be. Does a 2.5 year old really understand that she can't have or play with XYY at 5pm because she hit her friend at 9am?

So...all of that being said - here are my questions:

1. Is hitting/pushing enough to kick a toddler out of daycare? When is it a 'phase' and when is it too much? I understand it will vary by provider but am just looking for some opinions.

2. What are some other ways daycare and I can work together to encourage her to be nice to all of her friends at school?

3. If you have any ideas or insight and advice, please feel free to share with me. I am learning as I go since she is my first child. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this daycare and my worst fear is that she'll get kicked out

Thank you for reading!
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:39 AM
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Cat Herder Cat Herder is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VirginiaMom View Post
1. Is hitting/pushing enough to kick a toddler out of daycare? When is it a 'phase' and when is it too much? I understand it will vary by provider but am just looking for some opinions.

2. What are some other ways daycare and I can work together to encourage her to be nice to all of her friends at school?

3. If you have any ideas or insight and advice, please feel free to share with me. I am learning as I go since she is my first child. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this daycare and my worst fear is that she'll get kicked out

Thank you for reading!
1. A. Yes, physical violence is enough to terminate a childcare contract. It is generally the biggest cause.

1. B. It is age appropriate and expected behavior (at 2.5 WITH extreme life changes) BUT if the provider has no *legal* way of separating a violent child from the group (when she cannot directly shadow) it can quickly become too large an issue to manage in group care.

2. Your provider (or you) should schedule a conference to work out a mutually agreed upon *written* behavior modification plan (sticker charts, color wheels, privilege loss, etc.). This should come with a deadline for improvement. (this solves the issue about 99% of the time, IMHO ) Teamwork + Consistency moves mountains.

3. See #2 and http://www.buzzle.com/articles/behavior-charts/ (behavior charts for ideas)
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Old 10-22-2013, 10:07 AM
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littleblossoms littleblossoms is offline
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Your child is just jealous and is acting out. Your provider needs to include your child withbwhat sheis doing with little ones so your child could be the helper. You as a parent neefs to tell your child she is a big girl, praise her, stickers and talking to her. The provider also neds to still she your child that she is lved their, doing crafts set up activities for her to do, may be she is bored.

I have a child that is going to be three soon and she does the same thing. She is also the oldest child here, i find what i recommend helps the child
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Old 10-22-2013, 10:50 AM
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BrooklynM BrooklynM is offline
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I think a couple of things could be going on.The younger ones could be irritating her,she probably senses the new baby and she is 2 1/2. Welcome to the terrible twos!

First of all, realize your child is completely normal and it is not a reflection of your parenting. Just the fact that you are reaching out shows how much you care. My daughter went through this same thing at the same age (and I was also pregnant at the time). One of the things that helped was showing her how to touch nicely or not at all. Also, if she ever hits you at home, overreact! Act like it hurts so bad and even fake cry. She may not understand how she is effecting others.

Hang in there and just work with your provider. I'm sure that this can all be worked out and in no time this will be something of the past. Hang in there!
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Old 10-22-2013, 11:27 AM
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melilley melilley is offline
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I have a dcb who is 2 and is constantly hitting, pushing, etc... I think that for some, it's normal for the age. (Plus my dcb is going through some things right now so it's kinda expected). I choose to keep him here and work with him because I know mom is also doing the same at home-I've seen her in action. We are constantly showing him nice touches, telling him it hurts, shadowing, etc.. If she wasn't working with me to curb the behavior, I wouldn't keep him here.

I agree with Brooklynm, it sounds like you care, it's not a reflection of you.
It sounds like your dd is doing it for attention/is jealous, she is not the baby anymore. She goes after the littles because they are smaller. And they are the ones getting more attention (maybe not more attention, but have more needs that need to be met).
Totally normal. Hang in there and do talk to your provider so you are both on the same page and are doing the same things at daycare and at home.
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Old 10-22-2013, 11:54 AM
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Last week in church nursery, I was holding a little 8 week old baby and my 2 1/2 walked up to me and said to him, "That's my mommy, I'm going to poke you in the eye!"

No advice, just wanted to commiserate. 2 year olds are mean, jealous little buggers and it's not a reflection on your parenting. (or at least I hope not, cause then I'm doing something wrong too!)
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Old 10-28-2013, 01:24 PM
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Thank you all so much for the reassuring words and advice. I'm happy to report that she's had quite a few good days in a row and we're making a lot of progress. It seems that the key was a "red, yellow, green" card at daycare - red has a sad face, yellow is neutral, and green is happy. If she gets the happy face at the end of each day, she gets a (very small) reward at the end of the day. And it's not actually a reward like a toy - it's just stuff she LOVES (like watching Barney on the iPad) that she is allowed to do. We tried to make it seem like a reward vs. a punishment and that has helped. I also made the same red, yellow, and green faces at home and have had great success with getting her to listen better!

I'm due in 4 days with baby 2 so we'll see how it goes but I'm happy there has been progress and so thankful that her daycare has been so amazing and patient - they've taught me a lot too!
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Old 10-28-2013, 03:24 PM
Willow Willow is offline
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I don't have anything to add as it sounds like you and your provider have come up with a great solution for her, I just wanted to applaud your awareness and efforts.

Most of the time terming is the only option when parents refuse to acknowledge there is a problem and refuse to work on the issue together. You really seem to value your provider and cherish your child in a healthy way. By that I mean you don't see her as a perfect angel. Kids come with lumps, you're realistic about that and have been proactive in helping her and your provider work through that.

I wish all cared as much as you do! I'm sure your provider recognizes your efforts and is hoping to salvage the relationship as much as you do. Expect a few flare ups once baby arrives but just keep working together and you'll all make it through just fine I'm sure.

Best of luck with the new addition, they are lucky to have you!!!
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