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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>How Would You Have Handled This?
tenderhearts 05:00 PM 09-20-2010
Ok I have a dcg who is 4 1/2, she as been with me for 4 years so I know her and her dad obviously quite well. Great parents, one of the best and easiest I've ever had. She is a good child for the most part, can be kind of a whiner at times and difficult on pickups (she doesn't want to leave) but for the most part she's been a very easy child. Well today at pickup she threw one of her tantrums because she didn't want to leave, her and the other dcg were playing and setting up the kitchen. Her dad told her she needed to leave and her behaviour wasn't acceptable, as he picked her up to leave he said you'll be back in a couple days, the other daycare girl said something like you wont be here tomorrow, not being mean or anything which threw the other one into more of a fi and she said I don't want no one to play with the kitchen, after she said that the other dcg started taking everything off the kitchen and basically putting it way or to the other child "ruining" what they did. Now I think she did it on purpose to be mean and spiteful, this made her even more mad. Her dad told her that the kitchen is for everyone to play with and I said he's right, and it's not going to stay the way you put it until Wednesday. Was the other child wrong for doing that? Should I have said something to her because I know she did it to be mean? or just leave it the way I did, I didn't say anything to her. but I've had things like that in the past where as soon as someone is getting picked up another child wants to wreck or play with whatever they were playing with, and the child will say dont' ruin. Does that child just need to learn that when they leave it's up for grabs? I know this dkg dad knew she did it to be mean but I also know he knows kids will be kids and knows his daughter is far from being an angel and can be just as mean.
After they left I just wasnt' sure I handled it right. I did tell the other dcg that it wasn't very nice to ruin it when she knew it would make her mad but she just turned 4 and I'm not sure she totally understands. thanks
missnikki 05:11 PM 09-20-2010
I always reset everything everyday. That way, nothing gets left over.
If I read that right, the girl who was leaving ruined it for the girl who was staying?
I would have reminded her in front of dad, "if you would like to play with the kitchen toy, you need to share it. You will have to say you are sorry for not sharing. I will ask dad on Wednesday if you were a good sharer at home, and we will see what toys you can play with next time."
That way, the dad (who seems to be on top of it) will know you saw that and won't let it happen, and she will see that you and dad are on the same page too.
As far as the other girl, I can't quite tell what she did wrong. Did she say something mean other than "You aren't coming till Wednesday?" Did she put the toys away? If so, she should get the same speech, and learn a lesson about sharing.
tenderhearts 08:13 PM 09-20-2010
Sorry it was hard to ready. It was the girl who was staying that ruined it. The girl who was throwing a tantrum kept saying " I don't want to go, I want to stay and play, I don't want anyone to mess it up". While dad was picking her up telling her behaviour wasn't acceptable he said you'll be back in a couple days, then the other girl said you wont be here tomorrow (which I didn't see anything wrong with her stating that) BUT when the other girl again said I dnt' want anyone to play with it and mess it up the other girl went over there and started taking everything down. I know she did that to make the other girl mad because she did it right after she said it. Dad told his daughter the one who was throwing the tantrum that she needs to share it, it's for everyone to play with ect. I know though that he knows the other girl took it down to make her mad. I didn't say anything because yes I know she did it to be mean, BUT we would have had to put it away anyways.
sorry I hope this wasn't hard to read too. sorry
MyAngels 08:47 PM 09-20-2010
I have two little girls who do this same type of thing. One minute they're the best of friends, the next they're trying to aggravate each other to no end! Sort of a love-hate thing, I guess. It's tough to talk to the one who is having a tantrum while on the way out the door, but would talk to the one who is staying and explain why it was not nice to begin putting the dishes away when it so obviously upset the little girl who was leaving. It's never too early to start teaching about empathy for someone else's feelings.

For my kids that have a difficult time leaving at the end of the day, I usually starting talking about it a bit before - how it's getting close to time for mom and dad to come, and how we will be so excited to see them, and how we'll be sure to put our toys away and give mom and dad a hug when they come. It seems to help make the transition a little easier when I do this.
DancingQueen 02:36 AM 09-21-2010
I've had one kid that had issues leaving. I had mom text me when she was 5 minutes away. I then had the girl by the door ready to leave. It was easier for me to do it than for her to be interrupted by mom. When mom showed up and she was deep in play it was tantrum time. But when I came over to her and had a chance to explain that everything would be here tomorrow - it is time to stop playing -blah blah blah - it was a calm atmosphere and she was ready by the door for mom. Mom got in the habbit of making it a super fast pick up so there wasn't any time for her to wonder back to the play area. A few times I even opened the front door as mom was heading up the walk and sent her down the walk way..LOL
It made ALL the difference!

That being said - I would have handled it the same way you did. I'd have let the girl know that (after tantrum girl left) that it wasn't nice and it hurt her feelings. But I wouldn't give a consequence or do too much about it. My daughter is 4 years old and I can talk to her (not in the heat of the moment) and explain how somethng she did made someone feel and she gets it. doesn't mean she won't do it again - but like the above poster said .. it is never too early to start teaching empathy.
tenderhearts 07:16 AM 09-21-2010
Thanks, I did tell the other girl it wasn't nice of her to do that when she knew she was upset about it. But then the other girl needs to learn that others are going to play with all the toys when she's gone. I just didn't know exactly how to handle it since it technically is "ok" for the others to play with the stuff or since I knew she did it to be spiteful to say something. I mean in a way if I tell the kids if doing this is going to make so and so upset leave the toy alone until they leave, isnt it kind of giving the other child wrong information like you're catering to her whining since they need to know that others will play with the stuff?
MyAngels 07:29 AM 09-21-2010
This is a play-it-by-ear situation normally. If the girl who was staying simply continued to play as she had been before the tantrum I would not have said anything to her at all, but it sounds like she deliberately did something that she knew would upset the girl who was leaving, in which case I would simply explain why that was not the right thing to do. Unless you want to try to calm the girl who was leaving down enough to explain that the toys will still be there next time (which I would not, I'd just be happy when she was out the door lol), then the chance for a lesson in sharing for her really is lost, as she won't likely remember why she was so upset in two days when she comes back, though it couldn't hurt to talk to her about how to behave when it's time to go home, in order to try to prevent another meltdown in the future.
tenderhearts 08:37 AM 09-21-2010
We've been talking about it for a long time. Her dad talks with her which I know because when he gets her to the car you can tell he's having a talk with her and then she does fine for the next week and that's with me reminding her to that she needs to cooperate when her dad gets here. She comes & wont throw a tantrum but sometimes then she'll just drop to the floor and lay there. So irritating. So now I feel that I did the right thing with the other girl thanks
Preschool/daycare teacher 02:25 PM 09-21-2010
Since I wasn't there and didn't see it happen, I don't know, but to give the girl who was staying credit, after she started taking the stuff down and putting it away, did she continue to put it away and clean up the kitchen area after the other girl left? If she did I would think maybe she just knew it was time to clean up, or saw that the other girl wouldn't be there for them to finish, so she thought "what's the use, I'll clean it up now since I won't have anyone to play with". But, on the other hand, if she continued playing after the other girl left, then yes I'd think she did it to be mean. But I wouldn't know how to explain why it wasn't okay to clean up when the other girl was leaving, but she has to clean up after she leaves. I'm not sure a 4 yr old would understand why she shouldn't clean up then, but wait instead until other girl leaves.
So, yes, I think how you handled it was okay.
Tags:behavior problems, bullying, what to do
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