Would You Say Anything to This Family?

i have a unique situation here.
i provide daycare for our nephew (husband's brother and his wife). i have had several issues with them in the past - basically they expect special treatment and are upset when i enforce my policies. well, one of my dcm works with my SIL's mom. she informs me of all the complaining and bad-mouthing that SIL's mom says about me and my daycare. before i elaborate on what she says, our son started preschool 2 days a week. i drop him off before 8, I take 2 kids with me (that's all i have room for) and ask SIL to drop off after 8:15 on tuesdays and thursdays. She doesn't really have a schedule (she works for her dad) and is usually dropping off around 8-8:10 anyhow, so didn't think it was a big deal. Oh, it was a big deal.
Things she told me other dcm:
"did you get the memo that you can't drop off until 8:15 on T and TH?"
"she makes it so hard for (dcm) to work."
"she's going to be forced to find another daycare"
"daycare is so expensive for her" (she pays $75/week for 3 days)
"now dcd can only drop him off on wednesdays since she can't drop off until later on T and Th. That makes it so hard for dcm."
It is so frustrating and I would really like to confront BIL and SIL and tell them that communication is very important in a daycare, and it has been brought to my attention that they are unhappy with several things. if they have any concerns I would prefer if they discuss it with me.
I'm hesitant to say anything at all because i don't want to get other dcm in trouble with anything, i of course wouldn't mention her name, but they could probably guess where it came from.

Any advice?

Oh, and this is a family who, in the beginning, i was giving a discount, only charging them on days dcb was here, allowing them to pay late, holding a spot for them everyday without having to pay for it. i changed all my policies in may and took away their discount and required them to abide by my policies like everyone else. didn't even get a "thank you" for how generous i was. this makes it even more frustrating for me when i hear them complaining.

Family or no family, I would terminate care, You never mix business and family together.

[Cat Herder]

Working with family is a bad idea, IMHO.

The toxic family drama triangle is something I'd shut down quickly. Those don't get better. You must cut the supply.

The informant is suspect, too. She enjoys it or she would not keep participating in it.

What are you getting out of it? (rhet)

[rosieteddy]

I would say nothing.I would also shut down the "tattletale".Maybe when she starts to give you the scoop say something like'hey please stop telling me these things,it just makes me feel bad and they are family".Maybe add this is a business and I have to treat everyone the same.Change the subject every time she will get the message.What good does the tattletale think will come from this?If your SIL says something to you then I would address it.Other than that let it go.Who of us has not vented right or wrong to someone else?Keep everything business like and you'll be fine.

I would focus on following and enforcing policy with them the exact same as you would with anyone else. If it hits the point you would let another client go then do so, as it means they do not value or respect you.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by rosieteddy

I would say nothing.I would also shut down the "tattletale".Maybe when she starts to give you the scoop say something like'hey please stop telling me these things,it just makes me feel bad and they are family".Maybe add this is a business and I have to treat everyone the same.Change the subject every time she will get the message.What good does the tattletale think will come from this?If your SIL says something to you then I would address it.Other than that let it go.Who of us has not vented right or wrong to someone else?Keep everything business like and you'll be fine.

I agree with this ^

I'm more concerned about your willingness to listen to the other DCM. This really isn't her place to get involved and come back to you with all the things supposedly said about you. Stop allowing her and ANYTHING said or done at work according to her to be repeated to you.

Who cares what anyone said? As long as they follow your policies. If they can't drop off until 8:15 and complain to the bank teller, the cashier at the grocery store, the postman, the next door neighbor..... it's their right to complain....as long as they are following the policy.

A good rule of thumb in any type of service industry is to simply do your job (including following and enforcing your policies to ALL clients) and not allow he said/she said stuff to be part of it. When you do that, you are allowing yourself to be part of the problem too.

[Indoorvoice]

I had the exact same situation with my nephew (also dh's brother and his wife). It was absolutely awful. I gave them special most of the time and once in a while when I couldn't, they would lash out. No appreciation. I didn't have the tattle tale scenario, but bil and sil would always make little snide comments at social gatherings to other people loud enough so I would hear. It was really bad for our working relationship and for my relationship with my nephew. I ultimately had to term. I waited until they made a comment again at one of our social gatherings and called them out and terminated on the spot. Best decision I ever made. I will never ever take on family or friends again.

We live in a small town, so I know all of my families on a personal level. I think this is why she tells me what's going on. it's not in a gossipy way, she just thinks i should know. and no, dcm does not feed into it. she doesn't like SIL mom, so i know she defends me. I actually appreciate it when she tells me, i probably wouldn't know they were bad mouthing me otherwise. like i said, we live in a small town, so i don't know who else they have complained about me to. it just comes down to the fact that if they have any concerns, it should be discussed with me, not others.

And yes, I realize now mixing business and family is not a good idea, but I was very excited to watch my nephew and obviously didn't anticipate any problems.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

We live in a small town, so I know all of my families on a personal level. I think this is why she tells me what's going on. it's not in a gossipy way, she just thinks i should know. and no, dcm does not feed into it. she doesn't like SIL mom, so i know she defends me. I actually appreciate it when she tells me, i probably wouldn't know they were bad mouthing me otherwise. like i said, we live in a small town, so i don't know who else they have complained about me to. it just comes down to the fact that if they have any concerns, it should be discussed with me, not others.

This goes both ways.... if you have issues with your family then you should be discussing it with them.
NOT the DCM. This includes listening to her.

When you listen to the info she gives, YOU are participating in the drama...

Living in a small town has nothing to do with this.
It's just an excuse as to why someone thinks others shouldn't talk bad about them etc.

It's no different than DC client's that use the "single parent" excuse.
Small town, big town..... stop allowing DCM to feed you info period.

Address business issues with the client you have issues with and leave others out of it.

Family and friends can be great clients if you don't allow the family or friend part to be a priority over them being clients FIRST (regarding business).

I will think on it and do what I think is best for this situation.
Thanks for the input!

Originally Posted by Blackcat31

This goes both ways.... if you have issues with your family then you should be discussing it with them.
NOT the DCM. This includes listening to her.

When you listen to the info she gives, YOU are participating in the drama...

Living in a small town has nothing to do with this.
It's just an excuse as to why someone thinks others shouldn't talk bad about them etc.

It's no different than DC client's that use the "single parent" excuse.
Small town, big town..... stop allowing DCM to feed you info period.

Address business issues with the client you have issues with and leave others out of it.

Family and friends can be great clients if you don't allow the family or friend part to be a priority over them being clients FIRST (regarding business).

I guess we are just different in that way. I would prefer to know if someone is bad mouthing myself and/or my business - especially when it is someone I provide a much needed service for.
I also do not discuss it with dcm - never said I did. Just because I listen, does not mean I respond to her.
Thank you for your input, though!

[Snowmom]

Anytime you give anyone "special" they expect special as the norm for them. They will often push for MORE special.

Family or not, do not give anyone special. Every one of your clients should get the same treatment across the board. This makes it much easier for you to enforce rules as well because you are being fair.

If it were me, I'd be getting tougher on them. I'd raise their rate to what others are paying and give them contracted hours that they can not go outside of. They shouldn't know what you're doing outside of those hours because it's none of their business- family or not.
Their hours and their pay is all they get a say in. They take it or leave it.

Originally Posted by Snowmom

Anytime you give anyone "special" they expect special as the norm for them. They will often push for MORE special.

Family or not, do not give anyone special. Every one of your clients should get the same treatment across the board. This makes it much easier for you to enforce rules as well because you are being fair.

If it were me, I'd be getting tougher on them. I'd raise their rate to what others are paying and give them contracted hours that they can not go outside of. They shouldn't know what you're doing outside of those hours because it's none of their business- family or not.
Their hours and their pay is all they get a say in. They take it or leave it.

They are paying what everyone else pays now, and have contracted days. I changed that for them in May. These are new conplaints

Be careful that you are not expecting special of them as well. Are they the only clients not permitted to drop off after 8:15?

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I would prefer to know if someone is bad mouthing myself and/or my business - especially when it is someone I provide a much needed service for.

I can understand wanting to know if someone is badmouthing you/your business but they aren't doing that. They're venting about how they are having trouble following your policies. That's not bad mouthing you or your business.

Things she told me other dcm:
"did you get the memo that you can't drop off until 8:15 on T and TH?"
"she makes it so hard for (dcm) to work."
"she's going to be forced to find another daycare"
"daycare is so expensive for her" (she pays $75/week for 3 days)
"now dcd can only drop him off on wednesdays since she can't drop off until later on T and Th. That makes it so hard for dcm."

All of those things are super common vents that parents say/share with others. I'd say it's probably normal conversation (in regards to daycare) that all parents participate in during their work days.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I also do not discuss it with dcm - never said I did. Just because I listen, does not mean I respond to her.
Thank you for your input, though!

Listening IS participating. Even if you don't reply, listening still makes you part of the conversation.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, I'm simply providing you with a different perspective.

Changing the way you see things can help make a difference in how you manage/handle things.

Hoping you are able to address this situation and find a good solution for your nephews sake. I'm sure he loves all of the adults in his life.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Be careful that you are not expecting special of them as well. Are they the only clients not permitted to drop off after 8:15?

Nope, one other family. They aren't here until about 8:30 anyhow, though.
I did just think of a solution...
maybe if dcd (my BIL) drops off dcb, he could take our son to preschool. It would be the right timing.
Hmm..not a bad idea! I would give them a little cash each month to do it, too.

[Ariana]

I agree with some of the other thoughts mentioned. Knowing this info creates animosity. If this mom hasn’t told you this you would have no idea and carried on as usual so the information is not serving you. It sucks, absolutely but in the long run they are following your policies, paying for services and haven’t terminated.

It’s also possible that she might not have said things the way you think, we often jump to negative conclusions. Daycare IS expensive but that has nothing to do with you. I feel like worrying about this is just causing undue stress and creating animosity.

[NeedaVaca]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Nope, one other family. They aren't here until about 8:30 anyhow, though.
I did just think of a solution...
maybe if dcd (my BIL) drops off dcb, he could take our son to preschool. It would be the right timing.
Hmm..not a bad idea! I would give them a little cash each month to do it, too.

This could be a solution or it could make the waters even murkier...They may feel this will be doing YOU a favor, regardless of you paying them. It could backfire just as easily IMO Personally I would keep the schedule as it is, I wouldn't want to pay money to one of my daycare families or have them take on a responsibility of mine, I just see trouble...

[Jiminycrickets]

Yeah, I would keep the schedule as is too.
Similar to your situation, my 3 year old is in preschool 2 days a week, and if I have will have too many kids to bring along, I ask a parent who I know has a flexible schedule to drop off a few minutes later (and, yes, in turn I am a little more flexible with her schedule.) It works just fine.
I would not ask BIL to take your son to school, that is just asking for stress over whether he will be on time, and possibly even passive-aggressive games if they are the sort. The money would just be confusing and another point of contention, and additionally you would be out money for a situation that is easily solved by her bringing her kids 10 minutes later a few times a week. Nope, nope, nope.
If DCM isn't happy with the drop-off times you can offer, she can find other care. Sometimes you have to make your own life work, too.

Originally Posted by Jiminycrickets

Yeah, I would keep the schedule as is too.
Similar to your situation, my 3 year old is in preschool 2 days a week, and if I have will have too many kids to bring along, I ask a parent who I know has a flexible schedule to drop off a few minutes later (and, yes, in turn I am a little more flexible with her schedule.) It works just fine.
I would not ask BIL to take your son to school, that is just asking for stress over whether he will be on time, and possibly even passive-aggressive games if they are the sort. The money would just be confusing and another point of contention, and additionally you would be out money for a situation that is easily solved by her bringing her kids 10 minutes later a few times a week. Nope, nope, nope.
If DCM isn't happy with the drop-off times you can offer, she can find other care. Sometimes you have to make your own life work, too.

Yeah, you're right. It could definitely just cause more problems. I try to explain that I also have a family, I already miss out on so much with our 9 year old as far as school functions go. It's so difficult to please everybody.
And that thought crossed my mind several times, why not find care elsewhere if you're unhappy instead of complaining about everything? Oh well, at least she's decent when she's at daycare.

[Rainbow]

Do you think your inlaws are actually really upset about these things or do you think they may have mentioned it to their mother in passing and she is just overly upset on their behalf?

Originally Posted by Rainbow

Do you think your inlaws are actually really upset about these things or do you think they may have mentioned it to their mother in passing and she is just overly upset on their behalf?

You know, I'm not sure. I know SIL was upset, we went through a couple weeks where she wouldn't even acknowledge I existed when dropping off dcb. Wouldn't speak to me or look at me. Then all of a sudden, she started talking to me a little bit. Her and her mom are close, so I'm sure she vented to her mom and then her mom is upset about it, as well.
It's just frustrating that SIL's mom is complaining about me/my daycare to a mom whose child I care for. I only asked them to drop off later because her schedule is very flexible - it's only like 10 minutes later than she usually drops off - but it seems to be a big problem. I can't control what is said I guess. :/