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  #1  
Old 10-21-2019, 08:20 AM
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Default Tell Me if I'm Being Unreasonable

Dcb3.5 has never told me has to use the potty. Mom swears that he uses it at home, and she knows he does not use it here. She tried sending him in underwear a few months ago and he had an accident. She stopped mentioning it up until recently. I should add that I have caught her in several lies, so I never believed that he was trained at home.

Everyday it's "you better uses the potty", "you have to use the potty today or you don't get a treat", etc.

He will only use it, and maybe only 75% of the time, if I tell him to sit. He has never told me he has to go. Every diaper change, he is wet.

Dcm shows up this morning and said he was in underwear all weekend. She sent him in underwear today. I'm not very optimistic, but we'll see. Dcm said "I figured if I don't put him in underwear it's never going to happen because he's being stubborn about it here."

My policy is very clear on potty training that he must be trained at home first with parents, then I will assist here. It also says the child must stay in pull-ups until he/she has shown to be potty trained at daycare. I should've spoke up, but I figured I should believe her when she said he was in underwear all weekend.

She told me she packed extra underwear and 2 pairs of pants. But, of course, if he has even 1 accident, he will be going in pull-ups.

Should I wait to see if he has an accident then send her a reminder of my policy? How should I handle this?
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:30 AM
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You should always enforce your own policies. If they are not important enough to have, then don't have them. It undermines your professionalism.

Second, he is pretty old to not be potty trained so I understand the frustration for both of you. How many times per day is he being taken to the potty as part of the daily schedule? Is he behind in other milestones? Has she told you of her plans for preschool attendance, yet?

Pull-ups over his cloth is not an unreasonable compromise.
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:38 AM
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You should always enforce your own policies. If they are not important enough to have, then don't have them.

Second, he is pretty old to not be potty trained so I understand the frustration for both of you. How many times per day is he being taken to the potty as part of the daily schedule? Is he behind in other milestones? Has she told you of her plans for preschool attendance, yet?

Every diaper change I ask him if he needs to go potty. So, around 9:30, 11:45, after nap (around 2:30), and before he goes home (5:00). He is wet every time. I don't think he is behind on any milestones. We just had a 3 day weekend last weekend, and I really hoped she would work on it with him. But, instead she sent him to his grandma's house. I don't have an answer for why he would be "100% trained at home" (mom's words) but not trained at all here. He's been with me since he was 6 weeks old.

She has mentioned preschool. She told him that if he goes potty he can go to school every once in a while (it's for 3 hours a day, 2 days a week.)
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:40 AM
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Any time you waive, disregard or bend your policies you are telling parents your policies are negotiable.

If you don't want to continue having to defend your policies you need to stand behind them.

This child might very well be trained at home but not at daycare. Totally common. However, being trained in daycare is YOUR goal and if he simply wets because he's wearing a Pull-up, then he isn't trained. A fully trained child does not pee in a Pull up just because he's wearing it.

I have a couple of DCK's who wear Pull ups and neither of them pees in them. It's just an excuse that throws most providers off.
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Old 10-21-2019, 11:46 AM
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Any time you waive, disregard or bend your policies you are telling parents your policies are negotiable.

If you don't want to continue having to defend your policies you need to stand behind them.

This child might very well be trained at home but not at daycare. Totally common. However, being trained in daycare is YOUR goal and if he simply wets because he's wearing a Pull-up, then he isn't trained. A fully trained child does not pee in a Pull up just because he's wearing it.

I have a couple of DCK's who wear Pull ups and neither of them pees in them. It's just an excuse that throws most providers off.
I have a foster boy that just started, DCM says he was potty trained by the other foster family. Other family trained him to strip and sit on the toilet backwards. He can't hold his pee well enough and starts before he hops on the toilet. My rug, and his clothes get wet everytime. Cw (caseworker) makes him wear a pull up to visit, sometimes it dry when he removes it but not always. The more I send him to the be bathroom, the more he wets things.

DCM says sometimes he puts his under and pants on backwards. He did it because backwards because no one took the time to show him how to do it right. Now that I showed him, he gets it right.

But my question is how do I or should I change the way he sits on the toilet?

I feel he would wet less on my rug and his clothes if he sat properly. (He is 3 and we use the toilet with built in potty ring only, no stool to get on with but could add one. Potty chair is also optional to add if needed.)
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Old 10-21-2019, 11:58 AM
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But my question is how do I or should I change the way he sits on the toilet?
Many of the boys I've had in care sit the same way.
WHEN they switch to forward sitting and/or standing is individual for each one of them.

Some ready before others so I guess that's not much help but there is definitely no one size fits all in this area of development.

I hear you though on the amount that doesn't get INTO the toilet.
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Old 10-21-2019, 12:31 PM
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I have a foster boy that just started, DCM says he was potty trained by the other foster family. Other family trained him to strip and sit on the toilet backwards. He can't hold his pee well enough and starts before he hops on the toilet. My rug, and his clothes get wet everytime. Cw (caseworker) makes him wear a pull up to visit, sometimes it dry when he removes it but not always. The more I send him to the be bathroom, the more he wets things.

DCM says sometimes he puts his under and pants on backwards. He did it because backwards because no one took the time to show him how to do it right. Now that I showed him, he gets it right.

But my question is how do I or should I change the way he sits on the toilet?

I feel he would wet less on my rug and his clothes if he sat properly. (He is 3 and we use the toilet with built in potty ring only, no stool to get on with but could add one. Potty chair is also optional to add if needed.)
I taught my DS to sit backwards too. 1. They feel more secure and don't feel like they are going to fall in. 2. He didn't understand how to push his penis down and would pee out of the toilet.

After 1.5 years (3
5 years old) , he realized that he could stand up to pee I might have cried a little... because his aim is usually off some.
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Old 10-21-2019, 12:52 PM
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Dear daycare providers, is it really a big deal to remind a kid to use the potty?
Any skill doesn't appear from nowhere. So, for the start, it is necessary to remind, a little later, the kid will start doing that without your reminding.
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Old 10-21-2019, 01:12 PM
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Dear daycare providers, is it really a big deal to remind a kid to use the potty?
Any skill doesn't appear from nowhere. So, for the start, it is necessary to remind, a little later, the kid will start doing that without your reminding.
I donít know that sassiness is really needed for this. I donít think sheís saying that reminding is the problem.
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Old 10-21-2019, 02:33 PM
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Dear daycare providers, is it really a big deal to remind a kid to use the potty?
Any skill doesn't appear from nowhere. So, for the start, it is necessary to remind, a little later, the kid will start doing that without your reminding.
Dear parents, is it really a big deal to just be honest with the person that spends more awake time with your child than you? GROUP care isn't the same thing as parenting ONE child.

Reminding a child to use the potty isn't usually the issue or even where the issue starts. It starts with the parents who put their own needs ahead of their child's.

But what do we know, we're just babysitters.
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Old 10-21-2019, 04:34 PM
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Dear parents, is it really a big deal to just be honest with the person that spends more awake time with your child than you? GROUP care isn't the same thing as parenting ONE child.

Reminding a child to use the potty isn't usually the issue or even where the issue starts. It starts with the parents who put their own needs ahead of their child's.

But what do we know, we're just babysitters.
I am a daycare provider too (just forgot my password) )))
There are 12 kids here. No diapers. The three youngest ones just turned 2yo. Every two hours I just say Ray, Sebie, Jack it's time for potty. That's it. They go and do it.
I am too lazy and do not want to change the diapers of 3.5yo kids. Because of that, I start potty training as soon as possible.
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Old 10-21-2019, 06:30 PM
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I am too lazy and do not want to change the diapers of 3.5yo kids. Because of that, I start potty training as soon as possible.
This is where we differ then
For me it’s not about me and making my life easier.
It’s about the kids and teaching them independence.
A gift that gives all through adulthood.
It’s why I prefer tie shoes and not Velcro etc..
I remind newly trained kids to use the potty but once fully trained I’m out.
It becomes their responsibility.
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:24 PM
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This is where we differ then
For me itís not about me and making my life easier.
Itís about the kids and teaching them independence.
A gift that gives all through adulthood.
Itís why I prefer tie shoes and not Velcro etc..
I remind newly trained kids to use the potty but once fully trained Iím out.
It becomes their responsibility.
when I do my life easier I also do kids' and parents' life easier. And yes, when a kid is fully trained Iím out, but if a kid is a newly trained I remind. It doesn't matter how old he is: 2yo or 3.5yo.
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Old 10-21-2019, 10:05 PM
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when I do my life easier I also do kids' and parents' life easier. And yes, when a kid is fully trained Iím out, but if a kid is a newly trained I remind. It doesn't matter how old he is: 2yo or 3.5yo.
Clearly we agree
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Old 10-22-2019, 04:13 AM
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Potty training is such a dilemma. First of all, who has the ultimate control? The kid, of course. If you push too hard they push back. If you don't push enough they usually do nothing. And every single kid is different with their personality; do they try to please the adults in their life, do they want to be a big kid like the others, do they want to act like a baby, are they handling fears or changes in their life by regressing, are they testing each adult differently. Consistency is so important in this matter. I've had dcks slowly train, then they come in on a Monday in underwear because magically they did great over the weekend. I secretly roll my eyes and go yeh, okay, we'll see how *this* goes. Sometimes it goes great, other times not so much.
As providers we all know the signs to keep watch for to indicate they're ready. But we also need to help guide them and keep them on task because we also know how distracting life can be for them. And as far as telling us they need to go, some kids just never do. How many times have you smelled something funky and you ask a dck if they pooped, no is their answer when clearly the evidence is in their diaper. It's just a kid thing.
I also had in my policies that the parent has to make the initiative at home with good results, for a couple of weeks. But no underwear until they can go with no accidents. I think going back and forth with pull-ups and underwear confuses them so you need to be sure they can accomplish dryness the majority of the time. And I also think they need to be led to the potty if they're showing signs of needing it.
As I said some dcks are so good at it and some need to be helped along the way. I think it's difficult to have the consistency between home and dc that's needed to make the smooth transition.
Good luck with this child. It was one of the things I loathed about dc.
I visited with a former dcm last night and she now has a dc of her own. She said she's got a dck who's learning to use the potty and 3x last Thursday he went in by himself, used it to poop, and made a complete mess of the bathroom. An experience like that can completely ruin your whole day. Yikes. She's learning as she goes but I'm sure we've all had days like that.
And just remember our need germ warfare is #1 with this issue.
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Old 10-22-2019, 08:28 AM
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He did good yesterday. He would try and nothing happened. He held it all day until pick up.

This morning, dcm brings him in and he peed his pants. She changes him and put underwear back on him. I would've put a pull up on. Curious as to how many accidents you allow or is reasonable until you put a pull up back on?
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Old 10-22-2019, 08:33 AM
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He did good yesterday. He would try and nothing happened. He held it all day until pick up.

This morning, dcm brings him in and he peed his pants. She changes him and put underwear back on him. I would've put a pull up on. Curious as to how many accidents you allow or is reasonable until you put a pull up back on?
One. Why should he be allowed to pee at your house without it being contained?

ONE accident and back in Pull-ups until two full weeks dry.
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Old 10-22-2019, 08:38 AM
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One. Why should he be allowed to pee at your house without it being contained?

ONE accident and back in Pull-ups until two full weeks dry.
Agree! One.

I control the environment here. Parents DO NOT GET A SAY in my policies. Ever. The child has not demonstrated they are ready (by the lack of readiness signs), so they are not ready in this environment. I don't care what is done or shown at home. I care about here.
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Old 10-22-2019, 09:03 AM
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One. Why should he be allowed to pee at your house without it being contained?

ONE accident and back in Pull-ups until two full weeks dry.
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Agree! One.

I control the environment here. Parents DO NOT GET A SAY in my policies. Ever. The child has not demonstrated they are ready (by the lack of readiness signs), so they are not ready in this environment. I don't care what is done or shown at home. I care about here.
That's what I was thinking.

Do they not understand that it's unsanitary to have a child pee his pants in daycare? That there are other kids around? That I don't want to throw away a cot bed because a child peed in it? That it's unfair to expect me to clean up your child's pee over and over?

I think she's embarrassed because he's not trained yet and is trying to force it. I don't know if this affects anything, but she always makes threats to him. This morning it was "you're not going to get to see grandpa if you don't use the potty." I know she doesn't do anything with him at home about it. There was a 3 day weekend last week and I really hoped she would've worked with it on him if she really thinks he's ready. But instead she sent him to grandma's house. She told me that last night he went poop in the potty and she was so proud of him and she thinks he's finally getting it. But...she's been telling me for weeks that he is 100% trained at home Hence why I have a hard time believing her. I think I'm going to have to be blunt and tell her that he cannot come in underwear until he can verbally tell me he has to go here and consistently uses the potty as it's a sanitation issue.

Sorry about the rambling, but this has become a very frustrating situation.
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Old 10-22-2019, 09:58 AM
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That's what I was thinking.

Do they not understand that it's unsanitary to have a child pee his pants in daycare? That there are other kids around? That I don't want to throw away a cot bed because a child peed in it? That it's unfair to expect me to clean up your child's pee over and over?

I think she's embarrassed because he's not trained yet and is trying to force it. I don't know if this affects anything, but she always makes threats to him. This morning it was "you're not going to get to see grandpa if you don't use the potty." I know she doesn't do anything with him at home about it. There was a 3 day weekend last week and I really hoped she would've worked with it on him if she really thinks he's ready. But instead she sent him to grandma's house. She told me that last night he went poop in the potty and she was so proud of him and she thinks he's finally getting it. But...she's been telling me for weeks that he is 100% trained at home Hence why I have a hard time believing her. I think I'm going to have to be blunt and tell her that he cannot come in underwear until he can verbally tell me he has to go here and consistently uses the potty as it's a sanitation issue.

Sorry about the rambling, but this has become a very frustrating situation.
She knows all of those things (bolded above) but they are YOUR problem not hers... kwim?

You can resort to using the $300 deposit policy if necessary. It really really really works.

It goes like this:

DCM: "He is fully trained and ready to wear underwear"

You: "Sounds good! I'll just need a $300 deposit first."

DCM: "For what?"

You: "I will use it for professional carpet cleaning if he has an accident on my carpet/furniture/rugs etc and if he is trained like you say and uses the toilet when prompted, necessary and/or reminded for two full weeks, I'll return the money."

DCM: "Well, he better stay in Pull-ups or atleast have plastic coverings over them as maybe he isn't as fully there yet."

I've never had a parent take me up on it and every parent has back peddled and agreed to have their child wear Pull ups and/or plastic coverings until I say they're free to come in underwear only. Parents start taking my lead and stop sending them in underwear without discussing it with me first.
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Old 10-23-2019, 09:25 AM
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DCM came in with pull ups today for just turned 2 year old DCB. He peed 5 times at Grandma's and once at home in the potty. She wants to making into a big boy before she delivers in January. She cold turkeyed his pacifier away for his bday, he was addicted to that thing and it took him weeks of screaming to get over it.

He will be my first, they either come trained or get trained at home then leave for preschool.

Anyways, when ever a parent starts talking potty training, I pull out the potty training check list with my policy attached, someone gave me here. They normally can not mark enough boxes to say that there child is ready.

This one can't pull his pants on and off. He doesn't speak clearly enough to tell me he has to pee. So I made sure she knew that he may train faster at home then her and that's normal.
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Old 10-25-2019, 06:16 AM
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This is where we differ then
For me itís not about me and making my life easier.
Itís about the kids and teaching them independence.
A gift that gives all through adulthood.
Itís why I prefer tie shoes and not Velcro etc..
I remind newly trained kids to use the potty but once fully trained Iím out.
It becomes their responsibility.

This^
Teaching children self- help skills is just as important as academic skills. Iíd much rather have a 3.5 year old who can blow his own nose and wipe his own bottom rather than name all the dinosaurs.
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Old 10-25-2019, 08:01 AM
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If a provider (or parent) is constantly having to TELL a child to go pee...they are not potty trained. You may not have accidents on the floor, but you are training the child that is the adult's responsibility to make sure a potty visit happens.

I do not consider a child potty trained until they have gone two full weeks dry and clean with NO prompting from me. Until then...pull ups.
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Old 11-04-2019, 06:02 PM
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so, it just means that your facility is not participating in kids' potty training.
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Old 11-04-2019, 07:05 PM
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so, it just means that your facility is not participating in kids' potty training.
Why? Supporting and assisting is my role as a provider.
This happens AFTER a parent does 75% of the work.
Most parents feel itís a providerís responsibility.
Most parents are incorrect in that area.
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Old 11-04-2019, 07:10 PM
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so, it just means that your facility is not participating in kids' potty training.
If you feel as a provider you want to take on the responsibility of this task thatís fine... thereís a right and wrong fit for everyone.
But those providers that donít/wonít arenít wrong.
I wish parents understood that.
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Old 11-05-2019, 07:14 AM
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so, it just means that your facility is not participating in kids' potty training.
By doing all the parental duties so the parent doesn't have to?
By refusing to contaminate our home and childcare environment in feces and urine?
By not supporting a parent's unreasonable demands?
By pushing a child into a milestone they are not ready for?
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Old 11-06-2019, 08:32 PM
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Dear daycare providers, is it really a big deal to remind a kid to use the potty?
Any skill doesn't appear from nowhere. So, for the start, it is necessary to remind, a little later, the kid will start doing that without your reminding.
It can be a big deal when there are 11 other kids who need you and you can't be worried about catering to a parent who has a fantasy that her kid is potty trained. Potty trained kids need ZERO reminders to use the toilet. Kids who need reminders are not ready to train, IMO. I have never had a kid who was potty trained need to be told to use the toilet.

I work on potty training with kids when I feel that they are ready. When they are ready, training happens quickly. With my own child, I threw away his overnight diaper and told him that we weren't using diapers anymore and that he would be using the toilet from now on. He never had an accident and never had to be told to use the toilet after that. Most of my daycare kids trained the same way. I have a 3.5 year old boy with delays who would cry when we talked about using the potty. We worked on self help skills and dressing himself and things like that that have to be mastered before potty training. Today, I took him to the bathroom and he cried that he wanted to go home. I asked him to sit on the toilet to see if he knew how. He peed. He celebrated. He left here with dry pants all day. He used the toilet all day. I didn't remind him once.
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Old 11-07-2019, 10:37 PM
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After taking a "mostly" potty trained 21 month old dcb, I realized that the whole "if you have to remind they aren't really potty trained" is pretty dang true. Several pee pee accidents a week, sometimes several per day, and even poop ones occasionally! (And one poop during naptime about once per week. -But, he wears a diaper at nap so no biggie.)
He never tells me he needs to go potty. I have to remind. He has his good days about 50 percent of the time with zero accidents. But I just dont consider him potty trained. He STILL isnt at 2.5! And he still doesnt ask to go even though he is so verbal now.

With my daughter I trained her in literally one or two days - she had one accident the second day and since then - she is trained. I didn't start her until she was 34 months.

With my small daycare I really dont mind catering to parents a bit. But if I had any more kids than five....no way.
And, personally, I wouldnt have the patience for it as a parent either! Soo many accidents! I tried training my daughter around 2.5 and she had a couple accidents and just didnt get it and I was like "forget this!"
But I just had a feeling at almost 3 she was definitely ready -and she was.
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Old 11-09-2019, 08:39 AM
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if you would wait till her 48mo, she would take her diaper off by herself and get trained in one minute without your involving. Even easier to start potty training when kid is 5yo.
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Old 11-10-2019, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Lux View Post
After taking a "mostly" potty trained 21 month old dcb, I realized that the whole "if you have to remind they aren't really potty trained" is pretty dang true. Several pee pee accidents a week, sometimes several per day, and even poop ones occasionally! (And one poop during naptime about once per week. -But, he wears a diaper at nap so no biggie.)
He never tells me he needs to go potty. I have to remind. He has his good days about 50 percent of the time with zero accidents. But I just dont consider him potty trained. He STILL isnt at 2.5! And he still doesnt ask to go even though he is so verbal now.

With my daughter I trained her in literally one or two days - she had one accident the second day and since then - she is trained. I didn't start her until she was 34 months.

With my small daycare I really dont mind catering to parents a bit. But if I had any more kids than five....no way.
And, personally, I wouldnt have the patience for it as a parent either! Soo many accidents! I tried training my daughter around 2.5 and she had a couple accidents and just didnt get it and I was like "forget this!"
But I just had a feeling at almost 3 she was definitely ready -and she was.
I have a 2.5 yr old DCG and her parents did elimination communication with her from birth. When she started with me she was massively constipated and had blood in her stool. She would hold her poop constantly and at some points I felt so bad for her that I would put her on the toilet to eliminate which worked. Then of course way too early potty training at 18 months. Kid still does not go to the toilet unless prompted. Every nap she SOAKS her pullup because she is holding her pee all day if I donít tell her to go. She is obsessed with watching the other kids get their diapers changed, especially looking at poop. All of this to say early toilet training is NOT healthy! This child will likely have irreparable damage to her bladder and colon from holding.

Thankfully with their second kid I think they have learned that their methods are not good. No elimination communication at all, no constipation either.
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  #32  
Old 11-15-2019, 01:41 PM
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"100% potty trained at home" means the child gets reminded all day long...goes....and there are therefore no wet pants.

But the child isn't potty trained. The child is taking no responsibility at all. It has learned to rely on a reminder from an adult.

No reminder = wet pants. A child is not trained until they are always going on their own with no reminders.
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  #33  
Old Yesterday, 10:28 AM
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so, it just means that your facility is not participating in kids' potty training.
Think about this perspective:
Are you saying that you can get a drivers license even though you need constant reminders on how to do it?

You have to be able to do it on your own or you're not the one doing it.
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Old Yesterday, 04:41 PM
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Think about this perspective:
Are you saying that you can get a drivers license even though you need constant reminders on how to do it?

You have to be able to do it on your own or you're not the one doing it.
yes, you are right, an inspector doesn't teach you to drive. He just checks can you do it or not. If you can, the inspector allows you to drive alone. It is as an example of a daycare, that isn't participating to potty training but only checking from time to time is a kid potty trained or not.
An instructor teaches you how to drive. It is as an example of a daycare, that is participating to potty training from the start of the process to the end.
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