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Old 12-11-2013, 01:24 PM
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Default Need an Opinion

I don't really need advise, but I need your opinions. I myself have an 18 month old lil girl I am also having a lil girl sometime this month. I have a DCG that is 11 months but is bigger then my 18 month old. For the past month, the mom has come in asking If I had any spare baby food or If I can spare any baby rice. She says that they are on WIC but since her daughter is so big, WIC isn't enough to feed her, and they don't have the money to get food. She also at least once a week brings up the fact that DCG doesn't have any clothes that fit. She doesn't ask for them, but there have been times where I have had to send her home in my daughters clothes (due to accidents) and don't get them back. Right now, they bring her in the same outfit every time she is here.( she is part time and only come about 1-3 days a week) Here is where I need your opinion. I have thought about getting a bag together and giving it to them just to help them out. However, they have the nice fancy cell phones (the new galaxies). They smoke, drink, and go out all weekend (from what I can see on FB). I have no problems with any of those things. Heck I used to smoke. But when I couldn't affored to feed my kids, or get them the things they needed, I quit! So am I wrong for not wanting to help them out? I think if they can afford those things then they should be able to afford to dress there child. Im having a hard time deciding on what to do.( I will add that they are taking care of her. I don't want to sound like they aren't or anything like that. She is a very clean happy health baby. And they always send her with food and everything she needs. ) I just don't know If I should give them the help and extra stuff they are hinting and asking about knowing what I know.Thanks
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Old 12-11-2013, 01:54 PM
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Blackcat31 Blackcat31 is offline
 
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Originally Posted by cara041083 View Post
I don't really need advise, but I need your opinions. I myself have an 18 month old lil girl I am also having a lil girl sometime this month. I have a DCG that is 11 months but is bigger then my 18 month old. For the past month, the mom has come in asking If I had any spare baby food or If I can spare any baby rice. She says that they are on WIC but since her daughter is so big, WIC isn't enough to feed her, and they don't have the money to get food. She also at least once a week brings up the fact that DCG doesn't have any clothes that fit. She doesn't ask for them, but there have been times where I have had to send her home in my daughters clothes (due to accidents) and don't get them back. Right now, they bring her in the same outfit every time she is here.( she is part time and only come about 1-3 days a week) Here is where I need your opinion. I have thought about getting a bag together and giving it to them just to help them out. However, they have the nice fancy cell phones (the new galaxies). They smoke, drink, and go out all weekend (from what I can see on FB). I have no problems with any of those things. Heck I used to smoke. But when I couldn't affored to feed my kids, or get them the things they needed, I quit! So am I wrong for not wanting to help them out? I think if they can afford those things then they should be able to afford to dress there child. Im having a hard time deciding on what to do.( I will add that they are taking care of her. I don't want to sound like they aren't or anything like that. She is a very clean happy health baby. And they always send her with food and everything she needs. ) I just don't know If I should give them the help and extra stuff they are hinting and asking about knowing what I know.Thanks
I think you would be doing yourself AND the dcm a favor by simply referring her to agencies and programs in your area that can help.

There are usually loads of places that can help with those things.

I try not to get too personally involved in DCF's lives because I don't want to be judgmental (nor be judged) for my choices and how I spend my money/time etc.

I think since this mom outright asked you, she maybe thinking you are kind and generous and care enough about her child to give her something or some of what you have.

I am NOT saying that you wouldn't be kind and generous by not giving...I am just saying she may be banking on that fact and soliciting you because of that....kwim?

If your gut tells you that they are simply making poor financial decisions and not really NEEDING the help, then I wouldn't necessarily "give" her anything...other than the referrals that you know of that CAN assist her.

HTH
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Old 12-11-2013, 02:08 PM
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I agree with giving her referrals of places that can help.

I understand you wanting to be generous and help. However, if they are just making poor decisions, helping them could become an enabling thing.

I would also worry that they would just always expect you to help. Their child will grow out of the clothes you give and they will expect more,...

As for food, I would not give any for them to take home, but again give a referral of a place that could help. I would make sure that while she is in your care, she has quality and appropriate quantity of food.
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Old 12-11-2013, 04:23 PM
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Is she state funded?
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Old 12-11-2013, 05:54 PM
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Is she state funded?

No she isn't. I think she is on other state services, but not for daycare.
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Old 12-11-2013, 07:18 PM
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I would not provide food, that is not my job. I also would not provide clothing. I do not care for children that do not have a set of spare clothes with them so she would be turned away from the door if she did not have spare clothes. There is no way this kid has only one outfit of clothing....especially when the parents have all this money to blow. I would insist on spare clothing.

In the very, very rare case that I send kids home in something from my house, it is the oldest, stained, shabby, mismatched item I can find....never my kids good stuff. I am not worried at all by a parent complaining about loner clothing because it is their fault their child is wearing that, not mine. I would also suggest writing DAYCARE down the arms and legs and back in black marker. Even if they keep it, you can bet they wont be using it again

Every now and then I will hit yard sales or thrift stores for extras but if I can, I will send a kid home naked if need be. Like if they have a blanket with them, I will just wrap them up and sent them out the door with that and make sure the parents know, I am doing this because YOU are not providing for your child. I have sent kids home in a diaper, kids home with a jacket on but no shirts, etc, etc. It almost always only happens once.

You can very easily solve this issue this week.

I would also refer to local assistance and not at all feel that I have to provide clothing and food for someone elses kid. Not my job.
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:30 PM
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I would not provide either. I agree wit PP that I'd refer her to community resources. If you have clothes to change the DCG into, change into at DO and change out of before PU. If DCM comes when she's still in clothes make sure she is changed back into her own clothes before leaving. That way you are giving her what she needs without enabling the mom and letting her use you. OR, I'd make a new policy and state that children in ill-fitting clothes would not be accepted into care as it is not safe (she could cut off circulation, fall due to not having good range of motion for walking, ect). I don't mind helping when really needed, but I'd say that is someone expecting you to help her DD so she can enjoy her own personal expenses.
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Mama2Bella View Post
I would not provide either. I agree wit PP that I'd refer her to community resources. If you have clothes to change the DCG into, change into at DO and change out of before PU. If DCM comes when she's still in clothes make sure she is changed back into her own clothes before leaving. That way you are giving her what she needs without enabling the mom and letting her use you. OR, I'd make a new policy and state that children in ill-fitting clothes would not be accepted into care as it is not safe (she could cut off circulation, fall due to not having good range of motion for walking, ect). I don't mind helping when really needed, but I'd say that is someone expecting you to help her DD so she can enjoy her own personal expenses.
this is another good idea. if this child is always unprepared, you could just put her in loner clothes at drop off every day so her home clothes are clean and ready to go later. change her again before pickup. yes it is more work for you but it is a solution that does not involve trying to get the parents to do anything different. you have to wash extra clothes but you can have a few random sets for her use only but never to go home in.
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:28 PM
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I like to be generous, but honestly, I hate to be asked for things, it just rubs me the wrong way. It comes off... especially if more than once... as greedy. I love to give, but not to be asked.

I would consider getting a bag together, and leaving it discreetly on her doorstep.

However, I wouldn't just hand it to her, she might come to expect handouts. Also, if she is going out and doing blingy things, that would bother me a lot too. I mean... I understand doing some things once in a while, but yet, I get a little judgy about it... because although I have enough money now, I HAVE been very poor. It is NOT out of my realm of experience.

I would have given her a look, the first time she asked, and probably given her some, but the implication would be to not do it again. Also, I would have asked about the clothes, or put the child back in the other clothes. Really, I expect an extra set or two of clothes. If the child runs out, or only has one set, and I even SUSPECT the child may go through those... I call the parent, and they need to either bring me another 1-2sets, or come and take the child home with them. I'm not going to risk getting poo on things, or them being cold. Yes, I have loaned out my 4 year olds jacket or shoes to a girl here on the rare times that her mom forgot, but I also collected them as soon as we came inside.
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Old 12-12-2013, 12:01 AM
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I have a hard time believing WIC doesn't give enough food. I had too much food! So much I had to give it away and let my older kids eat some (they loved those squeeze pouches!) and even baked with it! Our local for sale page for moms had banned the sale of formula and baby food because people are selling their WIC foods and formula for cash! Ugh!
Anyway, I wouldn't... It's only going to be irritating when they have more new stuff and she suffers. I mean, if it's extra you're going to toss or donate anyway like clothes you would t want to pass down to a new baby that would be ok but otherwise it's too personal I think.
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:19 AM
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I have a hard time believing WIC doesn't give enough food. I had too much food! So much I had to give it away and let my older kids eat some (they loved those squeeze pouches!) and even baked with it! Our local for sale page for moms had banned the sale of formula and baby food because people are selling their WIC foods and formula for cash! Ugh!
Anyway, I wouldn't... It's only going to be irritating when they have more new stuff and she suffers. I mean, if it's extra you're going to toss or donate anyway like clothes you would t want to pass down to a new baby that would be ok but otherwise it's too personal I think.
Our WIC here doesn't give nearly enough food. To any age group. It's explained it's only supposed to be supplemental, not provide all nutrition. If yu are on food stamps, it still doesn't give you enough to actually feed the number of people it's supposed to here. Again, it's supplemental.

With that being said, while I have no problems helping out a dcf that REALLY needs it. I have one family now in that condition. Mom doesn't have a nice phone or clothes or car or anything else. Matter of fact, her phone is so obsolete it's not recognizable and so is her car and clothes. She's never asked for a thing from me though. So I do everything in my power to help her.
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Old 12-12-2013, 08:57 AM
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Matter of fact, her phone is so obsolete it's not recognizable and so is her car and clothes. She's never asked for a thing from me though. So I do everything in my power to help her.
That's exactly how I'd do it- if they truly need it and are trying their best, I'd help whenever possible. If they are selfish and putting their own needs ahead of their child's- sorry, figure out a way to stop smoking/drinking/having fun when you can't afford it (on a regular basis, that it.) Your children ALWAYS come first!

Last edited by Blackcat31; 12-12-2013 at 09:27 AM.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:49 AM
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I have parents who will give each other extra clothes. I am happy to serve as the middle man. Maybe if you have an older child...."hey Suzy, if you have any size 2T that little Jane has outgrown, little Katie could use them."
Personally, I would buy that little girl a nice (used) outfit for Christmas. I don't really care about the parents or what they do for fun. If there is a need, I'd fill it. But that's me.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:59 AM
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Thanks ladies. I do think Im going to refer her to a place. Im not so sure she is just taking advantage because she knows I have these things. If she truly needed it, I would give it. I always help others. I think if my gut tells me not to then there is a reason for that.
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Old 12-12-2013, 10:34 AM
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For me, I'd think about the child. WHat if the parents were gifted the things they have?? Who knows??

I couldn't not help someone. There was a time when I wished I could catch a break.

I try and pay it forward as often as I can. I have bought bags of winter clothing off of craigslist for a few kids in care now. It makes me feel good knowing I helped someone else out.
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