I am logged out for privacy. I currently have a DCG who has ASD. It is mild and my own diagnosis is aspbergers. The mom is still waiting for evaluation as it takes months and I only brought up my suspicions a month or so ago.

Meanwhile this child is driving me bonkers. I have worked with ASD children before but as you may know, no two are alike. She is constantly asking me "whats that" or telling me what objects are. She asks or tells me what objects are hundreds of times a day. She will bring me the same red car 50 times and say "its a red car". You cannot have a conversation with her obviously and she has no idea how to get her needs met. Language is simply to name objects and ocassional babbling during play. Developmentally she is very far behind, even physically. I only have her 2 days a week so I suffer through it but each and every week I am stressed. She is not a social partner for my daughter and it is pretty clear she doesn't like her. She will ask me "why doesn't XXX talk mommy?" Meanwhile this child is only 6 months younger than my DD who is 3.

I am just really having a hard time dealing with my frustration. I don't want to term until I find a suitable replacement which I have been looking for since she started with me Any ideas? I usually try ignoring or just leaving the play area but it's hard because my daughter is in there too. I really have no idea why I get sooooo frustrated. It's not like me at all. Feeling a bit depressed about the fact that I can't handle it for just 2 days.

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Do you want my honest advice? I would term now if it is that hard on you. You will have a harder time doing it if/when there is a diagnosis because the child will be in a protected disability class. And if you are that frustrated, it will affect your care for the child in some ways regardless of if you mean for it to or not.

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If you don't have the patience to provide the support this child needs, you need to be honest with mom and terminate care. Ignoring her would make it worse. What she is doing is not a behavior; that is the only way she knows how to communicate.

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Term.

This child is not a good fit for you and you are not a good fit for her. It's an unfair situation for both of you.

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I agree with PP's. This little girl needs care under someone who deals with disabilities. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to tolerate it. It is difficult. You want the best for her and it is not working out. I would be honest with dcm and tell her that she needs to find care that is more specialized to dcg's needs.

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My DS has aspergers.

People have "tolerated" him his whole life.

It broke my heart and I believe it had a profound effect on who he is as a person and how he sees himself today as an adult.

I understand your desire to "just deal" but look at things as a parent and not a provider. What would you want your provider do?

Like Spedmommy said, this is who she is.

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I appreciate the honest replies. I KNOW I have to terminate but I don't know why I cannot handle this for just 2 days. I think it is because of moms denial and the fact that I do not have a clear plan on HOW to deal with this. For example what do I do when she asks me the same question 50X? Do I just answer it? is that a realistic expectation for anyone? I have worked with ASD children in the past but always with a clear plan on what to work on and I have only worked with lower functioning children. I wish I could just speed up the diagnosis process so I can get some tools. I never know if anything I am doing is right. When mom talks about her at home it is as if she is a completely normal child.

Blackcat31 perhaps you can help me. What advice can you give as to how to deal with this. I am afraid of terming and having her end up with someone less qualified and possibly abusive. I am her second care provider as the first one termed. Any insight that you can offer as a parent would be wonderful. Right now the mom seems to be in denial about it and tells me things about the child that I find absolutely unbelievable. Is it possible for a child to be completely different at home than at daycare? The mom is also not sure if the child is on the spectrum or not at this point which in and of itself is frustrating.

I am desperately looking for help in how to deal with all of this. I am not just venting. I need help. I don't feel that terming her is the right course of action. She knows me and loves it here, is always excited to see us etc. I think that terming would be the worst idea for her.

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This is not your issue. This is mom's issue. Don't take on a responsibility that isn't yours, it will backfire on you. Until mom decides to do something, there is nothing you can do.

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If you are committed to helping her, (for a long period of time) here are some things that may help:

* offer choices throughout the day to expand her vocabulary. For example, dcg- dolls or cars
* narrate her play using short simple sentences. For example, "you are driving. The car says vroom."
* when she identifies an object, expand slightly on it. For example, she says- it's a car. You reply, it's a purple car. Or, wow, it's fast!!
* she asks for you to identify an object- Reply with the wrong answer or hmm, I don't know. Change it up each time.

She will need speech therapy to expand her vocabulary and work on her social speech with others. However, these strategies should improve things at your place. (In time)

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Is she getting early intervention services? I would try to treat it like I would a toddler just discovering language. You don't get upset at a 15 month old learning to talk and repeat things, right? Maybe use the same mindset. And remember, she isn't doing it to push your buttons, she is doing her level best to cope.

As for your daughter not liking her or understanding her speech issues, it's a perfect way to start explaining that people are different and sometimes need different things from us. She can help her by accepting her just as she is.

Maybe a book can help? I can't think of one off the top of my head, but I know there are many. Could you call someone in your supervisory office for guidance!

Having said all that, if you can't work through your negative feelings, it would probably be best to let her go. I mean no disrespect, but if you are having this level of frustration, you aren't "qualified" or doing her any favors. Please don't take that wrong. Not everyone, no matter their training or experience, can be qualified to help all children. You can't be everything to everyone, and that's OK. Just as an example, I had a child with a rage disorder. I've had kids with extreme behavior, and I've dealt, with help from ECI and play therapy. But for some reason, this child defeated me. I had to let him go. He is in a new place. He still has rages, but this woman deals with no problem. I felt bad for a while, but it was pointed out to me what I just told you-you can't be everything to everyone, and that's OK.

I hope you can work this out in some way that benefits you both.

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I like this book

Motivate to Communicate!: 300 Games and Activities for Your Child with Autism https://www.amazon.com/dp/1849050414..._mLCLwbS7CV2AG

And, It takes two to talk. This one is pricey but by library had it so I just checked out a copy.

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Thanks! I am already doing some of these things. She has a tendency to repeat phrases so if I say "wow it's fast" she will begin saying it throughout the day for every car. I have also responded with the wrong answer and she will simply take on that answer. Once I called a toy fish a mailbox and she simply accepted it and called it a mailbox the rest of the day. If I say "I don't know" she will simply tell me what it is.

Any more advice about her pragmatic language? Or does she need a therapist for that? Whenever I try and get her to talk to other children she lowers her eyes and will not do it. Her mom forces her to do it and she complies for mom (mom will make her look into faces and say "bye" or "thank you") but it is always awkward and forced. Is this just the way it will be for her? Should I also get her to do it even if I feel it's making her uncomfortable? Today I could not get her to ask for a balloon. No matter how many times I asked her to ask for it she just wouldn't. I simply said "what is it you want?" "Do you want the balloon?" She also will not ask for help and I'm not sure how to encourage her in this way. She gets extremely shy/withdrawn when I am speaking directly to her or when I am requesting her to say something...which makes me back off.

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awesome!!!!!!

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I don't think my frustration is even necessarily with the child, it's not knowing what to do or how to work with her. mom is in denial it seems and gives me no help whatsoever. I also don't think we need to term over every child who is frustrating. This child is a great kid but can grate on my nerves a bit which I feel is normal.

The child unfortunately is not receiving any services just yet. The wait list to see a developmental pediatrician is months long if they pay themselves and 2 years long if they want the government to pay. It is very frustrating!

I do explain to my daughter that people are different but she just turned 3 so I'm not sure she quite gets it. I also know this child is not doing this to push my buttons but nevertheless it is frustrating.

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I was an early interventionist for years and have some communication tip worksheets that may help. If you pm your email, I will send you the PDFs.

I would not force communication with peers. It's genuinely hard for her and probably makes her uncomfortable. In therapy, first kids practice with adults through play then learn to use them with their peers. And she will need to build up her overall vocabulary before working on pragmatics.

At childcare, she can practice communication through play. You don't want her to shut down with you.

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My gut instinct is not to force her. I am glad that was the right thing to do. I do set up small cooperative games for her with peers like passing a ball back and forth so there is some shared play but little communication. Her vocabulary is great and she is very intelligent. I also feel that she wants to interact with others but has no idea how to do it. She will sometimes watch them from far away but her only way to communicate is to go up and name an object and she will only do this with the older kids, never kids her age.

I will PM you about those sheets. I appreciate all of your help as I was really floundering. I am already feeling better about the whole situation. I think the sheer uncertainty of what to do to help was weighing heavily on me. THANK YOU!!

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In response to the bolded text, Can you elaborate on the phrase she is repeating? Try to build on it. WHen she shows you her car and says "Wow it is fast!", try adding more to her sentence, such as it's so fast it could be a race car! Or, try to start a thought provoking conversation, by asking her open ended questions, such as "Where is your fast car driving to?"

The same can be said for her responding by telling you what an item is over and over. Try to elaborate on your answer, and to relate the answers back to ways she can understand and see the world. If she is asking about every day objects, such as a mailbox, you can respond by saying "This is a mailbox. When the mail man comes, he puts our letters in the mailbox." It is a break from the mundane response you are tired of giving, and it helps her to build an understanding of how her world works.

In response to the second paragraph of your post, I would suggest simple conversation modeling. If another child approaches and she becomes uncomfortable, help her to converse with the other child by modeling the conversation. It will be a slow start, with you doing most of the talking. The hope is that as she progresses and begins to have a better definition of her world, and also develops a better sense of self, she will be equipped with the skill she needs.

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A bit off topic - forcing a child to look at someone's eyes can be painful for them.

My dd taught my grandson to look at people's noses. People think he's looking them in the eyes, which he isn't and can't do. Even the psychiatrist that he saw last month didn't realize it until my dd pointed it out to her.

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It might make her uncomfortable when you speak directly to her. Sometimes it makes them feel "on the spot" or "pop quizzed" and since they have trouble reading social cues, facial expressions and comprehending tones, that kind of attention can be painful and extremely uncomfortable. It can also simply be beyond her abilities to understand conversation (that its a two way thing) or that you are talking TO her (she may not automatically grasp that you are expecting something from her in return...a reply, compliance to a request, etc....)
Avoidance of eye contact is a HUGE Asperger sign.

Mom may very well be telling the truth when she says it's not like that at home. Home is home. Most parents create a world at home to meet the child's needs and not one that encourages or promotes change and growth. If she cant do X, then mom or dad more or likely does it for her or speaks for her. This is very common in kids with ASP and ADD......parents dont "see" it at home because they create an environment that is easily navigated for the child. How many times have you heard a parent say "Oh my child can't do X" when you know they can. It's human nature to not want to see your off spring struggle so we make sure to not let that happen at home. See where I am going with this?

Mom may also be in denial because she may truthfully not see it at all. I just figured my kid was a little "different" or "unique"....it never occurred to me that the shy, awkward behaviors were anything to be concerned about. I didn't "see" my child within the context of his peers. I didn't actually ever observe his social skills because I was never in the classroom or at daycare with him and because kids always act different when their parent is present so I doubt his behavior would have been true to him.

I think for parents acknowledging that something is wrong or "off" with their child is harder than actually dealing with it. Our kids are perfect in our eyes.

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This is all great info and Blackcat thanks for sharing your experience. The explanation about what it can be like for a parent and what might be going on at home is very eye opening and explains a lot for me. Mom definitely directs her a lot and does a lot for her. When I asked mom if she asks for help at home mom wasn't sure which indicates that there is little opportunity to even ask for help. The only thing I really know about Aspbergers is what I am reading and it is just so much different than being with that person as you all know. Every child is unique. This particular child makes great eye contact which is what is/was throwing mom for a loop I think. But she has issues making eye contact with other kids, although it is improving. I am also noticing "odd" eye contact. Like staring too intently or for too long which is also normal for Aspies I am learning. Sometimes she gets a 'dazed' look on her face.

a.lenz.girl thanks for the tips. I already do a lot of this so I'm just happy that what I am doing is the right thing. Since I am not seeing any improvements I started to assume what I was doing was wrong so it's good to know it's helping in some way.

Some other behaviors that perhaps you can speak to. Over the top excitement on occasion with lots of jumping and stomping and wagging of hands. She will also wag her finger in front of her eyes and say "sticky finger" but only does this when very stressed. This is stimming I assume? I just allow her to do this of course.

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This is not something you can learn from people on the internet. This is something for which you need training. If you are committed to her, get the training. Ask your licensor about training classes for kids with ASD. Take CE credits on these kids. Get the training.
Even if she isn't on the spectrum, and from what you are saying, she likely is, the training will help you learn ways to not only cope with her behaviors but also how to help her grow, socially and developmentally.

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That could be for several reasons...
My child was great at memorizing what he was expected to do and then doing. He may not have understood it, just that is was what he should do.

Like the difference between singing the ABC's and "knowing" the ABC's...kwim? Kids can remember things via repetitious actions but there is still no understanding or comprehension. It's basically a performance.

For my child it was very "Rainman"ish....

My child has an above average IQ.
He is extremely intelligent and knowledgeable about things but those things are only those things that interest him. He can tell you to the millimeter the thickness of each layer of the earth but he couldn't remember where he set his English book just hours after using it.

I agree with AngelsJ too..... I would really look into some specialized trainings. I think it would help a lot. I can share my experiences as a parent but like anything everyone's journey is different and although certain disabilities etc have commonalities among those that are inflicted the rest is really individualized.

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I have actually looked into doing the specialized program. They offer it as a graduate diploma from the college I went to. Unfortunately they require placements and running a daycare is getting in the way. I am thinking about doing it when I stop running the daycare in the next 2 years when my daughter starts school. I may look into completing some courses though.

Blackcat it sounds like your DS is very similar to this child. I also know for sure that she is responding by expectation. For example before I told mom of my suspicions she would never look up when I entered the room. When I completed the ASD questionnaire this was one of the areas I gave a "fail" for. Since that time the mom has clearly started "forcing" her to say hi whenever anyone enters the room. It is even interrupting her play. She will drop everything walk towards you with a big fake smile and say "Hi" repeatedly until you say it back. Even my husband started to notice this.

I just think it is such a shame that this child and family has to wait such a long time to even get services or even a diagnosis. The mom was referred to a play group/drop in service for children diagnosed with ASD but I am not sure what has come of it and it seems like mom doesn't really want t talk about it. When she picks her up at the end of the day she doesn't even ask me how her day was

I think going forward I just need to provide her with a comfortable place to be. I can only do so much myself and supporting her as best I can which I do for all my kids is what i need to focus on. I think understanding her mind a bit more has already helped. We had a great morning playing with blocks and dinosaurs and I felt like I had a bit more knowledge of what to be doing. That is really what I needed and I appreciate all of your input so so much

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