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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>My Own Mother Being Competitive Over My Children...What To Do?
Unregistered 08:33 AM 11-18-2013
I am 30 yrs old and I have a 3 yo son and 5 yo daughter. I am extremely close with my mom, but ever since I had my children, she seems to compete with me for their attention/affection.
It has always bothered me a bit, but I just chalked it up to the fact that she doesn't get to see them as often as I do (I am a stay at home mom). Although, she only lives 15 mins away and could potentially see them whenever she wanted, but she works a lot. Anyway ...
Well, this past weekend, the kids slept over her house. When she dropped them off, she stayed for a bit. EVERY SINGLE TIME my kids would come to me (or anyone else), sit on my lap, kiss me, - she would say "Oh Don't you want to come to/sit with/kiss with Grandma instead?"
I have no problem with my mom being close with my children. I love that and strongly encourage it, but I don't like my kids being taken away everytime she is around. I feel like she is creating favoritism.
How do I tell her to let everyone enjoy the kids and not to be so selfish with them?
It has always bothered me a bit, but I just chalked it up to the fact that she doesn't get to see them as often as I do (I am a stay at home mom). Although, she only lives 15 mins away and could potentially see them whenever she wanted, but she works a lot. Anyway ...
Well, this past weekend, the kids slept over her house. When she dropped them off, she stayed for a bit. EVERY SINGLE TIME my kids would come to me (or anyone else), sit on my lap, kiss me, - she would say "Oh Don't you want to come to/sit with/kiss with Grandma instead?"
I have no problem with my mom being close with my children. I love that and strongly encourage it, but I don't like my kids being taken away everytime she is around. I feel like she is creating favoritism.
How do I tell her to let everyone enjoy the kids and not to be so selfish with them?
Unregistered 08:36 AM 11-18-2013
Sorry I realize this is a bit off topic, but any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!
Blackcat31 08:37 AM 11-18-2013
If you and your mom are close, why not just tell her what you've noticed and ask/see if she ahs a reason for it.
If she doesn't tell her how much it bothers you and that you don't want to compete with her for your children's affections.
It might also be a great time to let her know that if push should ever come to shove you will always do what's best for your kids and she needs to respect that as you are their mother.
Plus when she does that, she is essentially forcing your children to choose between you and her and that puts your kids in an uncomfortable position.
Perhaps if she sees this from their view or your perspective, she will see the error on her ways.
If she doesn't tell her how much it bothers you and that you don't want to compete with her for your children's affections.
It might also be a great time to let her know that if push should ever come to shove you will always do what's best for your kids and she needs to respect that as you are their mother.
Plus when she does that, she is essentially forcing your children to choose between you and her and that puts your kids in an uncomfortable position.
Perhaps if she sees this from their view or your perspective, she will see the error on her ways.
Cat Herder 08:57 AM 11-18-2013
Check out http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com
The article links are on the left in drop down boxes. The forum is shut down, but the info still available is worth your time.
I'd bet you will find a plethora of info on this topic.
The article links are on the left in drop down boxes. The forum is shut down, but the info still available is worth your time.
I'd bet you will find a plethora of info on this topic.
DaycareMom 09:10 AM 11-18-2013
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
If you and your mom are close, why not just tell her what you've noticed and ask/see if she ahs a reason for it.
If she doesn't tell her how much it bothers you and that you don't want to compete with her for your children's affections.
It might also be a great time to let her know that if push should ever come to shove you will always do what's best for your kids and she needs to respect that as you are their mother.
Plus when she does that, she is essentially forcing your children to choose between you and her and that puts your kids in an uncomfortable position.
Perhaps if she sees this from their view or your perspective, she will see the error on her ways.
If you and your mom are close, why not just tell her what you've noticed and ask/see if she ahs a reason for it.
If she doesn't tell her how much it bothers you and that you don't want to compete with her for your children's affections.
It might also be a great time to let her know that if push should ever come to shove you will always do what's best for your kids and she needs to respect that as you are their mother.
Plus when she does that, she is essentially forcing your children to choose between you and her and that puts your kids in an uncomfortable position.
Perhaps if she sees this from their view or your perspective, she will see the error on her ways.
I agree with BC. Be honest and open with her. Perhaps she is unaware she is even doing it.
My3cents 11:11 AM 11-18-2013
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I am 30 yrs old and I have a 3 yo son and 5 yo daughter. I am extremely close with my mom, but ever since I had my children, she seems to compete with me for their attention/affection.
It has always bothered me a bit, but I just chalked it up to the fact that she doesn't get to see them as often as I do (I am a stay at home mom). Although, she only lives 15 mins away and could potentially see them whenever she wanted, but she works a lot. Anyway ...
Well, this past weekend, the kids slept over her house. When she dropped them off, she stayed for a bit. EVERY SINGLE TIME my kids would come to me (or anyone else), sit on my lap, kiss me, - she would say "Oh Don't you want to come to/sit with/kiss with Grandma instead?"
I have no problem with my mom being close with my children. I love that and strongly encourage it, but I don't like my kids being taken away everytime she is around. I feel like she is creating favoritism.
How do I tell her to let everyone enjoy the kids and not to be so selfish with them?
Doesn't sound like she is around very much. When she is there I would let her do her thing. She is your mother. She loves her grandkids. I would however step in and kindly say to her, just one minute I want some love from my cutie first. Win win, the kids feel the love from you and the grandmother. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Your lucky, your Mom wants to be involved, so many GP are not. Sad. You are with them most of the time and can get that cozy time. GM has guilt and is just trying to make sure that you know that she loves the kids-I am 30 yrs old and I have a 3 yo son and 5 yo daughter. I am extremely close with my mom, but ever since I had my children, she seems to compete with me for their attention/affection.
It has always bothered me a bit, but I just chalked it up to the fact that she doesn't get to see them as often as I do (I am a stay at home mom). Although, she only lives 15 mins away and could potentially see them whenever she wanted, but she works a lot. Anyway ...
Well, this past weekend, the kids slept over her house. When she dropped them off, she stayed for a bit. EVERY SINGLE TIME my kids would come to me (or anyone else), sit on my lap, kiss me, - she would say "Oh Don't you want to come to/sit with/kiss with Grandma instead?"
I have no problem with my mom being close with my children. I love that and strongly encourage it, but I don't like my kids being taken away everytime she is around. I feel like she is creating favoritism.
How do I tell her to let everyone enjoy the kids and not to be so selfish with them?
I might be way off but this is what I see~
Unregistered 11:30 AM 11-18-2013
I think you may have misunderstood. I love my mom and I want her to be close with my kids. I have no problem with my mom holding/kissing/cuddling with them the whole time she is around them.
My problem is the way she does it. Why not ask to have Jane sit with you when she is not on Auntie Susie's lap?
It doesn't matter who it is, as soon as the kids are loving to someone else, she is asking, "Oh don't you want to that with GRAMMY?" It just seems like she doesn't want anyone else to be close to them. It feels like she wants to make sure she is their favorite - and she is so she really has nothing to worry about. Hahaha
My problem is the way she does it. Why not ask to have Jane sit with you when she is not on Auntie Susie's lap?
It doesn't matter who it is, as soon as the kids are loving to someone else, she is asking, "Oh don't you want to that with GRAMMY?" It just seems like she doesn't want anyone else to be close to them. It feels like she wants to make sure she is their favorite - and she is so she really has nothing to worry about. Hahaha
Meeko 01:15 PM 11-18-2013
My mother lives on the other side of the world and we only see her about every other year. I would LOVE to have her close. I adore her and so do my husband and kids.
However, we nearly all came to blows one day many years ago.
My husband enlisted in the Air Force, but with a 9 month delay before he was due to go to boot camp. My parents suggested we go back to the UK and live with them for that time so they could enjoy us etc. It sounded great and off we went.
My mother drove me crazy within a few weeks of being there. She tried to completely take over our son's care. She would decide when he needed feeding and what. She would voice her opinion on EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL.
My husband had a the biggest problem. Every time he would pick up his son, it seemed as though she was watching and would take him from him with a "Come to Grandma!" comment.
I remember actually crying to my father one day while she was at work. He told me he had noticed it too, but that I was the one who needed to talk to her.
She came home from work that day, dropped her bag and demanded to know when the baby had last eaten, been changed, what had he eaten the rest of the day etc etc.
I lost it and we had a HUGE fight. I told her I was sick of being treated like his babysitter instead of his mother. I actually started to pack our bags before my husband calmed me down.
We ended up talking through it and things got MUCH better. She's now the coolest Grandma ever and the best mom I could ever wish for. I miss her dreadfully and now WISH we were in the same house! She's mellowed in her old age and I'm not so easy to anger any more.
But we nearly fell our for good because I was scared to make waves and say anything. I waited until tempers were involved. Never a good thing!
Talk calmly to your mom and explain softly, gently....but firmly...that YOU are the mom and she needs to take a step back and let others in.
However, we nearly all came to blows one day many years ago.
My husband enlisted in the Air Force, but with a 9 month delay before he was due to go to boot camp. My parents suggested we go back to the UK and live with them for that time so they could enjoy us etc. It sounded great and off we went.
My mother drove me crazy within a few weeks of being there. She tried to completely take over our son's care. She would decide when he needed feeding and what. She would voice her opinion on EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL.
My husband had a the biggest problem. Every time he would pick up his son, it seemed as though she was watching and would take him from him with a "Come to Grandma!" comment.
I remember actually crying to my father one day while she was at work. He told me he had noticed it too, but that I was the one who needed to talk to her.
She came home from work that day, dropped her bag and demanded to know when the baby had last eaten, been changed, what had he eaten the rest of the day etc etc.
I lost it and we had a HUGE fight. I told her I was sick of being treated like his babysitter instead of his mother. I actually started to pack our bags before my husband calmed me down.
We ended up talking through it and things got MUCH better. She's now the coolest Grandma ever and the best mom I could ever wish for. I miss her dreadfully and now WISH we were in the same house! She's mellowed in her old age and I'm not so easy to anger any more.
But we nearly fell our for good because I was scared to make waves and say anything. I waited until tempers were involved. Never a good thing!
Talk calmly to your mom and explain softly, gently....but firmly...that YOU are the mom and she needs to take a step back and let others in.
Unregistered 02:02 PM 11-18-2013
Originally Posted by Meeko:
My mother lives on the other side of the world and we only see her about every other year. I would LOVE to have her close. I adore her and so do my husband and kids.
However, we nearly all came to blows one day many years ago.
My husband enlisted in the Air Force, but with a 9 month delay before he was due to go to boot camp. My parents suggested we go back to the UK and live with them for that time so they could enjoy us etc. It sounded great and off we went.
My mother drove me crazy within a few weeks of being there. She tried to completely take over our son's care. She would decide when he needed feeding and what. She would voice her opinion on EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL.
My husband had a the biggest problem. Every time he would pick up his son, it seemed as though she was watching and would take him from him with a "Come to Grandma!" comment.
I remember actually crying to my father one day while she was at work. He told me he had noticed it too, but that I was the one who needed to talk to her.
She came home from work that day, dropped her bag and demanded to know when the baby had last eaten, been changed, what had he eaten the rest of the day etc etc.
I lost it and we had a HUGE fight. I told her I was sick of being treated like his babysitter instead of his mother. I actually started to pack our bags before my husband calmed me down.
We ended up talking through it and things got MUCH better. She's now the coolest Grandma ever and the best mom I could ever wish for. I miss her dreadfully and now WISH we were in the same house! She's mellowed in her old age and I'm not so easy to anger any more.
But we nearly fell our for good because I was scared to make waves and say anything. I waited until tempers were involved. Never a good thing!
Talk calmly to your mom and explain softly, gently....but firmly...that YOU are the mom and she needs to take a step back and let others in.
My mother lives on the other side of the world and we only see her about every other year. I would LOVE to have her close. I adore her and so do my husband and kids.
However, we nearly all came to blows one day many years ago.
My husband enlisted in the Air Force, but with a 9 month delay before he was due to go to boot camp. My parents suggested we go back to the UK and live with them for that time so they could enjoy us etc. It sounded great and off we went.
My mother drove me crazy within a few weeks of being there. She tried to completely take over our son's care. She would decide when he needed feeding and what. She would voice her opinion on EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL.
My husband had a the biggest problem. Every time he would pick up his son, it seemed as though she was watching and would take him from him with a "Come to Grandma!" comment.
I remember actually crying to my father one day while she was at work. He told me he had noticed it too, but that I was the one who needed to talk to her.
She came home from work that day, dropped her bag and demanded to know when the baby had last eaten, been changed, what had he eaten the rest of the day etc etc.
I lost it and we had a HUGE fight. I told her I was sick of being treated like his babysitter instead of his mother. I actually started to pack our bags before my husband calmed me down.
We ended up talking through it and things got MUCH better. She's now the coolest Grandma ever and the best mom I could ever wish for. I miss her dreadfully and now WISH we were in the same house! She's mellowed in her old age and I'm not so easy to anger any more.
But we nearly fell our for good because I was scared to make waves and say anything. I waited until tempers were involved. Never a good thing!
Talk calmly to your mom and explain softly, gently....but firmly...that YOU are the mom and she needs to take a step back and let others in.
Yea I think I just need to speak to her and be direct! Thank you for understanding what I am trying to say. I think I may have been misunderstood. I am so grateful to have my mom!
My3cents 10:50 AM 11-19-2013
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I think you may have misunderstood. I love my mom and I want her to be close with my kids. I have no problem with my mom holding/kissing/cuddling with them the whole time she is around them.
My problem is the way she does it. Why not ask to have Jane sit with you when she is not on Auntie Susie's lap?
It doesn't matter who it is, as soon as the kids are loving to someone else, she is asking, "Oh don't you want to that with GRAMMY?" It just seems like she doesn't want anyone else to be close to them. It feels like she wants to make sure she is their favorite - and she is so she really has nothing to worry about. Hahaha
I got this the first time........I would just talk with her or when she says something like that kindly give her the stink eye and say yeap one minute Mom gotta love the Aunti Susie first. It does sound like your mom wants to make sure everyone knows she loves the grands. Give that to her. Don't let it bother you and if it does talk with her about it, it is your Mom, she loves those GK, she is bound to love you too and will have understanding of where you are coming from. I would prob just let this roll off my shoulders because eventually your kids are going to tell her NO if it bothers them. No Grammy I am playing yada yada.....maybe later. Don't try to compete with your mom, your kids know your mommy and you will never regret giving her that time even if it was a bit out there and done her way. Not dismissing your feelings either. I am guessing your mom is very proud of her GK and wants the world to know it. They are a big part of her life. Best-I think you may have misunderstood. I love my mom and I want her to be close with my kids. I have no problem with my mom holding/kissing/cuddling with them the whole time she is around them.
My problem is the way she does it. Why not ask to have Jane sit with you when she is not on Auntie Susie's lap?
It doesn't matter who it is, as soon as the kids are loving to someone else, she is asking, "Oh don't you want to that with GRAMMY?" It just seems like she doesn't want anyone else to be close to them. It feels like she wants to make sure she is their favorite - and she is so she really has nothing to worry about. Hahaha
another thought is that she thinks of her role when she see's others doing what she feels she should be but has not for whatever reason. She can initiate her role as Gram when she see's someone else modeling it.......just a thought. She loves them all the time but its kind of like we know we have to wash the dishes but then we realize we have not one more minute to put it off because the thought comes into our heads that so and so is coming over- It's like Bingo goes off in our brains and we relate to what we know we should do through something or someone else.