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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>What Would You Do?
MamaBear 01:04 PM 07-19-2011
Okay... Heres my situation:
I have a 13 month old DCB that left my daycare about 2.5 months ago. His mom is a teacher & right before the summer break they moved about 40 minutes away but she still works close to my home. So she made the decision to put him in a daycare next to her home and gave her 2 week notice back in May. All was fine and they were gone.
About a month ago she contacts me to tell me that he was having an awful time at the new daycare. He had been with me from when he was 3 months old till they left me when he was about 10 or 11 months. He was always fine here. Basically the mom was upset that every time she'd pick him up he was having a crying fit at his new daycare. So she asks me if she could bring him back to my daycare.
She apologized up & down for taking him out just for their "convenience" and really wanted him back here because he was so comfortable here & she never worried about him, etc etc... So I said ok.
She told me during that conversation how easy he is now... that hes walking now, napping for 3 hour naps each day and so easy going. THEN he comes back and it was NOT what she said.
He has MAJOR separation anxiety since he returned (last week). He has a HUGE fit when the mom leaves, a full on tantrum and cries so hard he barfs on himself. Then he calms down about 30 minutes later but EVERY time someone arrives or leaves at the door, he does the same routine all over again.
I started a new girl today and it was so embarrassing. He was having a fit and I was trying to listen to the new mom talk to me. It was awful.
Oh and he only naps 30 minutes a day... ALL day. So after the first awful day (which was last week) I told the mom how it was. THEN she tells me... "oh yeah - I cant even go to throw stuff out in the trash outside & leave him with his dad without him having a huge fit! He has total separation anxiety" WHAT??? What the heck happened to the easy going boy she bragged about last month??? The one who naps 3 hours a day and is so easy and happy??
So now its been a week and a half and he is getting worse. Every morning its the same thing. Big huge fit for 30 minutes to the point of puking... then starts up again every time someone arrives and leaves. And my only time to get a break from him is nap time and he wont sleep more than 30 minutes.
Hes 13 months old now... and he should be comfortable with me since he was with me for so long before... although I understand being gone from me for a couple months is like starting all over to him in his baby mind. Now I'm thinking the other daycare he was at was fine... its just him! I'm mad that the mom lied to me about how easy he is. I would never have taken him in if I knew all this about him. Especially since I had already taken another 13 month old and took in a 7 month old too. Its crazy here when hes having a fit... It triggers my 7 month old to wail even louder!
So should I term him? Give him more time? It's really wearing me out and I need to consider my sanity too.
I have a 13 month old DCB that left my daycare about 2.5 months ago. His mom is a teacher & right before the summer break they moved about 40 minutes away but she still works close to my home. So she made the decision to put him in a daycare next to her home and gave her 2 week notice back in May. All was fine and they were gone.
About a month ago she contacts me to tell me that he was having an awful time at the new daycare. He had been with me from when he was 3 months old till they left me when he was about 10 or 11 months. He was always fine here. Basically the mom was upset that every time she'd pick him up he was having a crying fit at his new daycare. So she asks me if she could bring him back to my daycare.
She apologized up & down for taking him out just for their "convenience" and really wanted him back here because he was so comfortable here & she never worried about him, etc etc... So I said ok.
She told me during that conversation how easy he is now... that hes walking now, napping for 3 hour naps each day and so easy going. THEN he comes back and it was NOT what she said.
He has MAJOR separation anxiety since he returned (last week). He has a HUGE fit when the mom leaves, a full on tantrum and cries so hard he barfs on himself. Then he calms down about 30 minutes later but EVERY time someone arrives or leaves at the door, he does the same routine all over again.
I started a new girl today and it was so embarrassing. He was having a fit and I was trying to listen to the new mom talk to me. It was awful.
Oh and he only naps 30 minutes a day... ALL day. So after the first awful day (which was last week) I told the mom how it was. THEN she tells me... "oh yeah - I cant even go to throw stuff out in the trash outside & leave him with his dad without him having a huge fit! He has total separation anxiety" WHAT??? What the heck happened to the easy going boy she bragged about last month??? The one who naps 3 hours a day and is so easy and happy??
So now its been a week and a half and he is getting worse. Every morning its the same thing. Big huge fit for 30 minutes to the point of puking... then starts up again every time someone arrives and leaves. And my only time to get a break from him is nap time and he wont sleep more than 30 minutes.
Hes 13 months old now... and he should be comfortable with me since he was with me for so long before... although I understand being gone from me for a couple months is like starting all over to him in his baby mind. Now I'm thinking the other daycare he was at was fine... its just him! I'm mad that the mom lied to me about how easy he is. I would never have taken him in if I knew all this about him. Especially since I had already taken another 13 month old and took in a 7 month old too. Its crazy here when hes having a fit... It triggers my 7 month old to wail even louder!
So should I term him? Give him more time? It's really wearing me out and I need to consider my sanity too.
Blackcat31 01:07 PM 07-19-2011
I think you already know the answer to your question. 
You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm. 
You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm.
laundrymom 01:11 PM 07-19-2011
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I think you already know the answer to your question. You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm.
Very good answerI think you already know the answer to your question.
You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm.
MamaBear 01:16 PM 07-19-2011
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I think you already know the answer to your question. You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm.
Your so right. I think I just feel bad since I had him before. But this is just not working out. I hate situations like this.I think you already know the answer to your question.
You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm.
Blackcat31 01:18 PM 07-19-2011
Originally Posted by MamaBear:
Your so right. I think I just feel bad since I had him before. But this is just not working out. I hate situations like this.
I hate them too but I have come to learn that the feeling of euphoria I have when that one stressful kid is gone is so liberating that I do not hesitate to do what I need to do anymore. Your so right. I think I just feel bad since I had him before. But this is just not working out. I hate situations like this.
It is hard but like, I said...good lesson for the daycare mom. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions just like we teach our dck's. You didn't do it so you shouldn't be the one stressing.
sharlan 01:29 PM 07-19-2011
What was he like before?
If he was a pleasant baby, I would give him some more time to readjust. You have no idea what he went through in the other daycare. One day he was with you, next day somebody else. He was too young to undestand what was happening.
In his little brain, he has no idea as to whether or not he will be at your house or somewhere else tomorrow.
Parents really need to stop and think about what they are doing.
If he was a pleasant baby, I would give him some more time to readjust. You have no idea what he went through in the other daycare. One day he was with you, next day somebody else. He was too young to undestand what was happening.
In his little brain, he has no idea as to whether or not he will be at your house or somewhere else tomorrow.
Parents really need to stop and think about what they are doing.
Michelle 05:47 PM 07-19-2011
Originally Posted by sharlan:
What was he like before?
If he was a pleasant baby, I would give him some more time to readjust. You have no idea what he went through in the other daycare. One day he was with you, next day somebody else. He was too young to undestand what was happening.
In his little brain, he has no idea as to whether or not he will be at your house or somewhere else tomorrow.
Parents really need to stop and think about what they are doing.
Exactly what i was thinking... Parents need to keep kids in one place.What was he like before?
If he was a pleasant baby, I would give him some more time to readjust. You have no idea what he went through in the other daycare. One day he was with you, next day somebody else. He was too young to undestand what was happening.
In his little brain, he has no idea as to whether or not he will be at your house or somewhere else tomorrow.
Parents really need to stop and think about what they are doing.
wdmmom 01:41 PM 07-19-2011
What time does he come in in the morning? Is there any way to lay him down right when he gets there or keep him away from the door to see if the door is a trigger?
Unfortunately the DCM blew smoke up your rear just to get him back in your care. Now it's up to you whether you want to continue care or not. Is she doing anything to help alleviate problem or is it out of sight, out of mind? Do you offer a trial period? If so, I would be honest with the mom and tell her that the trial period is ending soon and if these issues continue, she may need to find alternative care.
Unfortunately the DCM blew smoke up your rear just to get him back in your care. Now it's up to you whether you want to continue care or not. Is she doing anything to help alleviate problem or is it out of sight, out of mind? Do you offer a trial period? If so, I would be honest with the mom and tell her that the trial period is ending soon and if these issues continue, she may need to find alternative care.
cheerfuldom 01:49 PM 07-19-2011
I would not keep him. JMO but I don't think it is completely separation anxiety. He is like this at home WITH his mom. 30 minute fits multiple times a day are just too much.
SandeeAR 07:37 AM 07-20-2011
If he was a good baby for you before, I would give it some time. I'm with the others, sounds like something happened to him, or around him at the other daycare.
I would give the Mom a 30 day written notice, that you must see a great deal of improvement in that time. Then you will re-evaluate the situation. If there is enough improvement for you, then you will extend to another 30 days. If not enough improvement, you will term immediately.
Tell her she has to do her part to improve the situation. She has to work on things at home too, if she wants him to be able to stay.
Just remember, she has already lied to you once. A big lie! So be sure you want to continue to deal with her in the future, before you make this offer. If not, then term now. Reason, you were lied to.
I would give the Mom a 30 day written notice, that you must see a great deal of improvement in that time. Then you will re-evaluate the situation. If there is enough improvement for you, then you will extend to another 30 days. If not enough improvement, you will term immediately.
Tell her she has to do her part to improve the situation. She has to work on things at home too, if she wants him to be able to stay.
Just remember, she has already lied to you once. A big lie! So be sure you want to continue to deal with her in the future, before you make this offer. If not, then term now. Reason, you were lied to.
MamaBear 07:53 AM 07-20-2011
Thanks all so much for your advice. I talked to the mom yesterday and told her again how bad the separation anxiety is and how disruptive it is through the day. She pretty much acted like it was no big deal until I said that if it doesn't improve during my trial period then it wouldn't work out. That perked up her ears. She was surprised that he'd have do a new trial period... but its a new contract so duhhhh. I have a 2 week trial period. He's been coming about a week now... started last Thursday but I'm closed today for my 2 son's first day of school... so I would let it roll into next week to make it fair.
She said she would bring a "comfort" toy for him and hopes that will work to soothe him. I know it wont. He still will cry. But I agreed to try it to be fair.
He was a somewhat easy baby before he left here. He didnt cry like this at drop offs and when others came. He was just a goofy silly boy who'd either play, sleep or eat. But he also had his older sister here back then too. Shes since gone off to preschool and so that might be another part of his freaking out. No mom and no sister and so hes all crazed.
I think I'm more frustrated that she lied about how he is than anything. Even when I told her that he only sleeps 30 minutes a day, she says "oh yea thats what hes doing lately". So I was like "I thought you said he was a great napper now"... she looked all confused like she forgot her lie. So that bugs me more than anything and I feel the need to end it.
We'll see how it goes in the next week. I'll let you guys know!
She said she would bring a "comfort" toy for him and hopes that will work to soothe him. I know it wont. He still will cry. But I agreed to try it to be fair.
He was a somewhat easy baby before he left here. He didnt cry like this at drop offs and when others came. He was just a goofy silly boy who'd either play, sleep or eat. But he also had his older sister here back then too. Shes since gone off to preschool and so that might be another part of his freaking out. No mom and no sister and so hes all crazed.
I think I'm more frustrated that she lied about how he is than anything. Even when I told her that he only sleeps 30 minutes a day, she says "oh yea thats what hes doing lately". So I was like "I thought you said he was a great napper now"... she looked all confused like she forgot her lie. So that bugs me more than anything and I feel the need to end it.
We'll see how it goes in the next week. I'll let you guys know!
Zoe 08:34 AM 07-20-2011
Funny how she doesn't even remember her own lie. I'm glad you confronted her about that. Hopefully the child will calm down for you!
MamaBear 11:48 AM 07-20-2011
Originally Posted by Zoe:
Funny how she doesn't even remember her own lie. I'm glad you confronted her about that. Hopefully the child will calm down for you!
Yeah this mom was infamous for lying to me about itty bitty things and big things and then not remembering her lie. Why or why did I even take her back. Blech!Funny how she doesn't even remember her own lie. I'm glad you confronted her about that. Hopefully the child will calm down for you!
Blackcat31 11:56 AM 07-20-2011
Originally Posted by MamaBear:
Yeah this mom was infamous for lying to me about itty bitty things and big things and then not remembering her lie. Why or why did I even take her back. Blech!
I don't normally advise people to just term, but in this scenario, I could sense that you had already decided that was the best option and needed someone to say it was okay to do so without feeling guilty about not sticking it out longer etc as others have suggested. I still think that is what you wanna do and still think that is what you should do. Your sanity is the most important thing. Yeah this mom was infamous for lying to me about itty bitty things and big things and then not remembering her lie. Why or why did I even take her back. Blech!