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Old 08-09-2012, 09:56 AM
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Default Advice needed for a 3.5 year old bully

Not too sure that I should label this child a bully, but was not sure what other title to use.

I have a dck that is 3.5, very verbal. by nature, this child is sometimes very sweet and loving, but lately this has not been the case.

Little history on the child. 3.5 comes from a great family, however, there have been a lot of changes going on at home. Moved, family member passed, lots of stress, parents argue a lot.

Well lately the child has been very mean with his words, sometimes will get aggressive with his hands and push other kids out of his way or smack their hands out of his way so that he can have an object or get to something.

The child will say something like, I am going to the zoo and you cant come because I don't like you. Or will Just say things out of no where that are mean. He often screams in the other kids faces and is a constant tattle teller. Also, it is not to one child in particular, it's to every child here.

The parent says that it is an attention thing. I am not too sure what to think about this. I don't really understand why the child does it, or how to stop it or even why it has started. I can make several assumptions about why he does it, but I'd rather not.


We do talk/role play and create many moments throughout our day that show kindness, respect, sharing, being responsible,compassion and on and on. No matter what I do, this child still says and does things that are very mean.

Any advice on why this is happening and how to get it to stop.
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Old 08-09-2012, 11:25 AM
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sorry I wanted to add that I am a regular on this site, but have logged out for privacy...

I am at a loss with how to get control of this child, maybe I did not explain well, as no one responded.....
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Old 08-09-2012, 12:00 PM
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I do think it is part attention but I think it is more of a control issue. He cannot control the stressors inhis life right now (parents, moving, death etc) so he is going to "control" the things he can. Who he likes, who he plays with, leaving out "friends", shoving, pushing etc. Those are all things he can control and he seems to be doing so with a bit of anger attached since his actions are so rough and mean spirited.

I think you need to have a discussion with him about things he is and isn't allowed to do. Involve him in coming up with a consequence for when ever he acts rough or mean toward another child. Talk with him about feelings and how it is ok to be sad, scared, feel anxious or unsure or just downright mad. Play games with him about feelings and the appropriate actions we take to address these feelings so he can learn how to manage his frustrations and emotions.

Kids don't have good emotional management skills and need to be taught how to cope with frustration and anxiety.

I would talk with the parents as well and have them start open conversations with this child about how he is feeling.

The most important thing though is the child should never be made to feel that what he is feeling is wrong. What he feels is ok no matter what it is. It is HOW he shows those feelings that needs to be worked on. HTH.
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Old 08-09-2012, 12:13 PM
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thank you for the advice and responding. After thinking more about this, I know where the issue lies and it lies at home. the child is in an environment where there is always a lot of yelling and arguing going on. So it carries on over here with the child... How do I address this with the parents? I have always assumed that this was the case. The grandmother threw mom and dad under the buss the other day and pretty much confirmed my assumptions. I cant tell the DCP hey stop fighting in front of your child, it's affecting them in a negative way???

I am all for validating a child's feelings, but when a child is just saying things to be mean for no reason, I don't know how to handle it. Of course I tell the child, that is not ok to say mean things to our friends or to anyone. The mean things are constant and again out of no where. Everything could be super relaxed and just great conversation and then child will just randomly say something extremely mean that usually always puts someone down.
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Old 08-09-2012, 12:34 PM
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I would suggest teaching him about his emotions and acceptable ways to express them. Kids sometimes feel emotions and express emotions with their whole bodies. Get him to channel that anger and agression in a more constructive way by saying he's angry and saying why he's angry (even if it's a stupid reason).
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Old 08-09-2012, 12:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
thank you for the advice and responding. After thinking more about this, I know where the issue lies and it lies at home. the child is in an environment where there is always a lot of yelling and arguing going on. So it carries on over here with the child... How do I address this with the parents? I have always assumed that this was the case. The grandmother threw mom and dad under the buss the other day and pretty much confirmed my assumptions. I cant tell the DCP hey stop fighting in front of your child, it's affecting them in a negative way???

You can talk to the parents without giving anything away by simply addressing the DCB's issues. I would say something like "Billy has been having some aggressive behaviors at daycare and I am not sure if it is caused by anything in particular but I wanted to bring it to your attention so we can work on it together."

Then I would share with the parents the games and acitivites you are trying at child care to help the boy own his feelings and control his actions. They don't have to hear you say the words tha tyou know what is going on to know that you probably already know or suspect that something is happening. Most parents know their behaviors/fighting affects their child.


I am all for validating a child's feelings, but when a child is just saying things to be mean for no reason,

There IS a reason though. He is saying things because it is how he is expressing the anger and confusing he is feeling inside. You don't see the reason but he does....kwim? Like a toothache, if you have a tooth ache, you are snippy and short with those around you because you are in pain.

This child is snippy, mean and short with those around him because of how he is feeling inside. It has NOTHING to do with the kids he is being mean to as they are simply in the right place for him to target.



I don't know how to handle it. Of course I tell the child, that is not ok to say mean things to our friends or to anyone. The mean things are constant and again out of no where. Everything could be super relaxed and just great conversation and then child will just randomly say something extremely mean that usually always puts someone down.

Because he is sensing a moment where he can take charge or ocntrol and exert his power. It doesn't have to make sense to us, but as a child, he needs have control over thing she can control because the bad stuff at home happening isn't within his control.

He may also be re-enacting the meanness he sees at home. Dad may say mean things to mom that are degrading and rude so he is doing it too. Mom might may threats about not being able to get to go here or there or not allowing him to do something due to her stress levels too so he is doing the same ot the other kids. He is acting out what he sees.

I answered in bold.

Help him learn emotional control, how to properly identify and vent his feelings and emotions, how to be positive in the face of negativity and how to think perspectively about how it makes others feel when he is mean to them.
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